Arsenic for the Soul

by Nathan Wilson

  Vivian felt guilty under his gaze, wondering what doubts and suspicions were worming their way through his thoughts. Was he repulsed by what he saw? Had she been reduced to a carrier of a sexual disease in his eyes? Was he wondering if she infected him with HIV during the intimate night they spent in each other’s arms?

  If he did, he didn’t speak a word. He held her hostage with silence and a lengthy stare. His eyes were like glass, no longer beaming with love and charm.

  “Please help me,” Vivian said. “I love you. Don’t let me go through this by myself.”

  “Sure.”

  He broke off his gaze and turned his back on her.

  The door to the blood lab shut behind Milo as he retreated to his cold den.

  Vivian remembered the words he spoke not so long ago in the park.

  I’m not leaving you, Vivian. I won’t break your heart. I promise.

  As the door latched shut, Vivian wondered if she had departed from her lover’s heart. She almost forgot how to breathe.

  EIGHTEEN

  For the next twelve hours, Vivian struggled to distract herself from her diagnosis. She pored over her favorite novels late at night and listened to dark psytrance until nearly 2 a.m. She could get lost in the cranking, melodious loop if she tried hard enough to disengage from the material world. Still, the specter of HIV haunted her no matter how loud she tuned up her music or lost herself between the pages of a book.

  When the panic threatened to strangle her life, she choked it down and never let anyone see her tears. She would find the strength to persevere one way or another.

  Returning to clinicals the next day felt like the hardest thing she had ever done. She longed to see Milo but she hadn’t the faintest idea what they would say to each other. She wanted assurance from him. She needed to know she wasn’t cut off from his life.

  Vivian sighed and picked up her clipboard at the nursing station. In twenty more minutes, she could hang up her scrubs and head back to a home-cooked meal with her mother.

  Suddenly, she saw Crenshaw marching down the hall and her heart stumbled over several beats. He was bearing down on her with a grimace that never failed to portend disaster. She walked in the opposite direction and ducked into the women’s locker room before he could zero in on her. Rumors were already going around that Crenshaw wanted to discuss something with her in private. She knew this secretive matter probably concerned her HIV diagnosis.

  Why else would he need to see her?

  He would most likely try to oust her from the nursing program for some conveniently-devised reason. Vivian slumped against the wall. She wasn’t ready to face that penalty yet. Maybe she could sneak out of the hospital before he confronted her. Vivian rummaged through her locker and pulled on her winter coat. As she gathered the rest of her belongings, she noticed a letter lying at the bottom of her locker.

  “Milo?” she whispered as wishful thoughts flooded her. She tore open the envelope. Her jaw dropped and her brain stalled in the throes of disbelief. She felt like sinking into the cracks in the floor.

  The letter informed her that she was required to take a leave of absence for health reasons. Adding insult, it was signed by the interim director of the program, Crenshaw. So he was making good on his promise to eject her from the University Hospital. The one-two punch of an HIV diagnosis and termination from her program just about reduced the last of her sanity. She wasn’t going to sit idly by and take it anymore. Vivian stormed out of the locker room and saw Crenshaw creeping toward the elevator.

  Propelled by rage, she slammed her foot in the door before it could shut.

  “What is this?” she spat, brandishing the letter. To his credit, he didn’t break into a sneer.

  “Vivian, I’m so sorry it’s come to this.”

  “That’s funny because the sympathy sounds notably absent from your apology. Is this because of my diagnosis?”

  Crenshaw looked agitated at the sight of her blocking the door, but nothing short of a catastrophe would move her. He sighed and settled back in the corner of the empty elevator.

  “HIV is a serious concern. This leave of absence is as much for your own health as it is for everyone else. You should clear your head and look into treatment and prevention. We have options here if you need more information—”

  “I already have this disease! What’s to prevent? You can’t even get a handle on a tuberculosis outbreak and you’re worried about me spreading HIV?”

  “The truth is more complicated than you think. We have a right to be worried about the risk you could pose to patients.”

  “How?! I’m not going to bleed on them if that’s what you’re getting at!”

  “Staff members have also shared concerns about the possibility of infection.”

  For the second time Vivian’s knees buckled.

  “How is this public knowledge to the staff? Did someone from the blood lab send out a damn memo?”

  Was it possible that Milo’s tongue slipped and spread the news around? Was he trying to retaliate against her at her for exposing him to HIV?

  She vowed to kill Milo if he did it out of spite.

  Crenshaw’s stare bore callously into her.

  “You understand what this means. You need to take a leave of absence.”

  “I understand perfectly,” she said through gritted teeth. “You’re frightened of me, aren’t you? But not because you think I’m going to make anyone sick. You’re frightened of a woman who refuses to bow down to you and grovel. And that wound to your pride terrifies you more than anything.”

  Crenshaw’s eyes danced dangerously as though he might attack Vivian. She noticed the fist trembling at his side and readied herself for blood.

  “You can finish your last day,” he growled. “Once you’re through, collect your things and turn in your name badge. Don’t stay a second longer.”

  Vivian removed her foot from the elevator door. She almost walked away when she heard his voice croon devilishly over her shoulder.

  “Do you have anything else to say, Vivvy?” Vivian spun around and speared her fist through the elevator, only to get her arm stuck in the doors.

  “As a matter of fact, I have many things to say.” She looked positively deranged with a wicked smile on her face.

  “But I think this gets the message across.” Vivian extended her middle finger and punched the button to the basement—sending Crenshaw down to the morgue. She saw his enraged face hopefully for the last time as the doors slid shut.

  Vivian already knew she was making a dire mistake as she made her way to the blood lab. She desperately wanted to know who else knew about her results.

  Is this payback for having sex with you, Milo? Do you resent me because I put you at risk?

  She banged on the door to the blood labs and an icy chill rushed out to greet her.

  “Milo!” she screamed. He never came out to answer. She finally left before she attracted any unwanted attention from security. Riding the elevator down to the first floor felt like an eternity in Purgatory. She scanned the general lobby as she meandered toward the exit. She didn’t deserve this punishment. She hungered for the sound of Milo’s voice to call her name and stop her. Maybe he could explain why this was happening to her.

  “Vivian?”

  The voice didn’t belong to her charming suitor but it was no less welcome. To her surprise, she found herself face to face with Camilla.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “I came to see you,” Camilla said. “Remember the letter from Ezran? Let us end where you left off? I think I figured out what he wants…” She paused at the sight of Vivian’s bloodshot eyes. “You don’t look well. Have you been crying?”

  “This is my last day here. I’ve already been dismissed. My life is over.” She broke down into tears. “I was diagnosed with HIV a few days ago.”

  “Oh, Vivian, I’m so sorry.” Camilla cocooned her in a hug, instantly easing the pain. She possessed an uncanny way of calming others w
hen she couldn’t afford herself the same luxury. Her arms felt like stepping into a warm bath.

  “I wanted to talk to Milo about it but he won’t return my calls,” Vivian said once she stopped shaking. “I think he’s the one who told Crenshaw. He said word is going around that I have HIV. Milo was the only one who knew!”

  White hot anger gripped Vivian. Maybe she couldn’t see Milo at the hospital, but other avenues were open to her.

  “Camilla, I need to ask a favor of you. Will you help me out?”

  “Sure, what do you need?”

  “I’m going to break into the records retention room.” Before Camilla could posit a counterargument, she was dragged away by a desperate and unruly Vivian.

  “I need you to guard the door,” she said when they stopped in front of the archives.

  “Against who? When I agreed to help you, I wasn’t on board for breaking and entering.”

  “I’m going to find out where Milo lives. If he’s too much of a coward to see me in person, I’ll track him down myself.”

  “I know you’re upset but this isn’t the way to handle it! You could end up in court for this!”

  “Damn the laws! I want to know why he told everyone about my diagnosis!”

  Camilla noticed how Vivian couldn’t even say the word “HIV.” Benign terms like “diagnosis” were so much easier to express. “HIV” and “AIDS” rolled over her tongue like a pungent taste, grinding against her teeth whenever she tried to pronounce the words.

  “Just stay here. I promise I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

  With that warning, she plunged into the archives. Nothing felt more surreal to her than this moment as she clawed through the files. Eschewing the medical records, she looked for employment records that might lead her to Milo. All she needed was an address to bring her one step closer to him. Of course she’d spent time at his house before but she was unconscious upon arrival. She didn’t even recall leaving his abode. The painkillers from her gunshot wound had turned that entire affair into a blur. To the best of her memory, his residence was nestled in the Dejvice district.

  Just when Vivian bordered on her wits end, she plucked his file from the shelf.

  I have you now.

  As she skimmed through his information, something peculiar caught her eye. Milo Dušan had undergone a name change.

  Her hands trembled. Stamped under his previous name were two words that sent a fever through her blood: Ezran Vesely.

  She almost retched on her breath. Milo was the nefarious stalker and twin brother to Camilla. Vivian had been sharing a bed with the same man who murdered Bryan Hajek and butchered Sebastian Vesely. Furthermore, he was responsible for the tuberculosis outbreak.

  The door hissed open behind her.

  “What the hell are you doing here?” Vivian pivoted and saw the only person comparably worse than Milo. Crenshaw stood behind her. There was something feral about his expression, as if he was more delighted than infuriated by her presence. “You don’t know when to quit, do you? Who gave you access to the records? I’m calling security—”

  Vivian sprang across the room and seized his throat with terrifying strength.

  “Remember the time you thought you got a free pass at my tits? Something about favors that don’t come for free?” Like a trigger being pulled in her soul, her knee shot out and crushed his groin. “All the morphine in the world can’t save you now.”

  Crenshaw fainted from the trauma as Vivian’s gaze scarred his soul. She stepped over his unconscious body.

  “What happened?” Camilla demanded as her friend emerged from the archives. “That doctor came out of nowhere and followed you inside. I tried to stop him but he pushed me aside and—”

  Vivian was barely listening at this point. Camilla deserved to know the truth about her brother, but she couldn’t bring herself to voice the unthinkable. She needed a moment to herself first as she processed this dreadful revelation.

  Nothing made sense to her except for one insulting notion. Milo used me to reach Camilla.

  * * *

  Vivian drove home in a stupor and walked through the front door without a word. She shut herself inside the bedroom once she was safely alone. Now she was without her nursing program and her future husband. She could barely remember what his silken touch felt like against her skin.

  How keenly failure came after her. Something wondrous finally happened to her only to be cruelly wrenched from her grasp.

  Vivian studied the framed portrait of her and Milo on her dresser. It occupied the same pedestal that her acceptance letter once did. She nearly came undone as she picked up his last love letter.

  Dear Vivian,

  Some people may say that what I feel for you is infatuation, not love. You may wonder if I will remain this sweet and kind, if I will change, or if you deserve this attention. Tell me whenever you have these doubts and I will give you my answer.

  You are the only woman who makes me feel alive and when I look in your eyes, I see a million precious memories waiting to happen. I want to be your best friend and the best lover to you, someone who makes you feel desired, appreciated, warm, and secure.

  I want to make love to you long into the night and give you sanctuary in my arms every day. I can see your soul, your character, and your heart, and it is truly beautiful to me.

  I will never stop falling in love with you. Once you’re comfortably in my arms, you don’t have to fear me letting you go.

  I will always be your Milo.

  Her heart ached with those final words.

  “Fuck you.”

  Tears burned like acid in her eyes. Rage like no other possessed her and she smashed the frame.

  Everything he gave her was destroyed as if it would remove this cancer from her heart.

  The act of destruction didn’t sate her.

  Once she envisioned every detail of how their lives would unfold in fairytale detail. They discussed how many children they would raise, what to name them depending on whether she gave birth to a boy or girl, their religion, and so forth. Milo even hinted at moving somewhere beyond Prague to embark on an exciting chapter in their lives.

  It had only been a few months, but Vivian already imagined when and how she would propose to Milo.

  “It should never have happened this way!” Pain gouged her heart as she slumped to her knees. The glass from the broken frame cut into her flesh. She relished the pain.

  She craved more punishment as inconsolable rage clawed at her soul. She was succumbing to her toxic dependency on Milo, this arsenic ravaging her soul.

  Truly, what could be considered the greater of two evils? The withdrawal from a drug or the withdrawal from a relationship?

  Versed in both, Vivian couldn’t rightfully answer.

  Her eyes glittered as the sunset’s luminance cascaded over her, branding her in its scarlet glow.

  “The whole time… was it all a lie? Did the person I fell in love with even exist? How can you be Ezran Vesely?”

  The tears streaming down her face resembled blood in the corrupted light.

  “You were dating that monster?”

  Every muscle went limp in Vivian. She felt like a puppet snipped from its strings as she turned to face Camilla in the doorway. How long had she been standing there?

  “I… I had no idea until I saw Milo’s employee record. He had a name change on file…” Camilla looked like an apparition as she entered the room doused in hazy red light. “He changed his name to Milo Dušan.”

  “Is this how he was able to track me so closely? Through you?”

  Remorse hung heavy over Vivian as she bowed her head. Perhaps she shouldn’t feel guilty for being a victim of Milo’s deceit, but guilt is rarely a rational mechanism.

  “It wasn’t a coincidence that Milo took me to the forest for our first date. I wouldn’t leave it to chance that his car broke down either. He asked me to call you because he knew you and I were close.”

  “And he counted on u
s following him into the sanitarium? What was the point of it?”

  “I don’t think he intended for the sanitarium stalker to kill you. He was counting on you to survive, but not me. We were just following his trail.”

  Camilla drummed her nails on the window sill as she peered outside.

  “Once you’ve written enough stories about psycho stalkers, it’s easy to get inside their heads and see how they view us. The stalking was only a fragment of Milo’s twisted game to subjugate me. He takes pleasure in every roll of the dice and every move we take. He wants to emotionally isolate me before the killing stroke.”

  “You seem to have him figured out. What do you suppose he has planned for us?”

  “His letter hinted that we should finish where I left off. It only makes sense when you think about my campaign to shut down the asylums. The last one to fall was the Magdalene Midnight Mission, where our mother was confined. It lies at the edge of a town called Náchod. There’s only one choice left to us now. We need to hunt him down and end this nightmare… permanently.”

  Vivian swallowed the taste of sickness in her mouth.

  “I can’t go after him.”

  Camilla gawked at her.

  “What do you mean you can’t? In case you haven’t noticed, he’s hell-bent on killing me! Not to mention he’s taking out the rest of his mental problems on the hospital!”

  “I know,” Vivian said through clenched teeth. She couldn’t wrap her mind around how her lover could be a depraved monster. How could these two aspects belong to the same person?

  Camilla’s eyes popped wide open.

  “You still love him?”

  That question sent tremors of agony through Vivian.

  “I just need to talk to Milo and maybe he’ll realize what he’s doing. I can make him stop. Maybe I can salvage what’s left of him.”

  Camilla pulled Vivian close enough to see the unquenchable fury in her eyes.