Dare to Breathe

by M. Homer

  “Um, hi,” is all I can get out. Even though he’s sitting down, I notice he is tall. He wears jeans and a white shirt that shows off all his muscles. He looks fit, as if he works out, and I understand why Carrie gave me the heads up on him. I also notice the edge of a tattoo peeking out from the sleeve of his shirt. I have an instant desire for a closer look.

  One of the girls gently pushes my shoulder, reminding me I am in a room full of people. Carrie’s words come back to haunt me and I get my shit together.

  Chick magnet indeed!

  “This place looks great,” I say to them all. “Do you guys have any rules or anything I need to know about?”

  Carrie, Mandy, Ben and Nathan all get themselves comfortable on stools or the kitchen counter, while I lean against the fridge placing a little distance between us.

  “Well,” says Ben, “we all put money into the pot for food, which we take turns cooking and buying.” He points to a roster stuck onto the fridge. My heart drops, cooking! Oh, shit!

  “Ben is our resident chef so we try and let him cook as much as possible,” Nathan chips in with a smile.

  Ben continues. “Showers here need to be like, five minutes long as there is obviously only one bathroom, which we all share. If you bring someone home at night, make sure that they a) don’t eat all our food and b) that they don’t piss any of us off. I am the only one here who smokes and I only do that outside so if you smoke, then same rule applies.” He looks over at the others. “Anything else?”

  Carrie laughs out loud and I notice Mandy and Nathan smiling at me.

  “Nope,” someone says, “that about sums it up.”

  “Well, that’s all good with me as a) I don’t smoke, b) five minute showers suit me fine, c) I don’t really have any friends yet and d) so long as you all like toasted sandwiches to eat whenever it’s my turn, we’re good to go,” I say.

  They all look at me and laugh.

  “Don’t worry about food with us,” Nathan says, standing and stretching. “I think you’ll find we’re all pretty laid back about what we eat.”

  I notice his toned flat stomach as his shirt lifts a little. Towering in front of me, he smiles again and says softly, “It was nice to meet you. Welcome to our home.” He then turns towards the others and says, “I’m heading out. See you all later.”

  They all wave goodbye and I watch him go, disappointed that he won’t be here tonight. Even his walk is sleek and graceful, like a panther, I think as I watch him leave the kitchen.

  “Who wants pizza?” Mandy says, jumping up and heading to the phone. “Tonight’s my turn to cook,” she says, smiling and winking at me.

  The rest of the evening is spent in comfortable companionship. I unload my car and find a home for all my belongings. The room starts to take shape and look like mine and I feel pleased with myself. I hang up my special photo that accompanies me everywhere and touch it gently as all my memories threaten to surface. At ten, I head into the small lounge where my new roommates (expect Nathan) are all sitting together watching TV and eating popcorn.

  “So, Sam,” Ben says, looking up at me, “what do you like to do when you aren’t working or studying?”

  “Not much,” I say honesty. “Mostly I just like hanging with friends, finding a good book or enjoying the beach.”

  “Shit! Well, you are in for a tough ride here, since we are nowhere near a beach and are pretty shit company,” Ben laughs.

  Mandy smiles at me. “Don’t listen to this douche bag. We have been friends awhile now and been living together since we started college. Ben is probably the most boring guy you will ever meet, but we’re pretty cool,” she says, hitting him over the head with the remote.

  “Ouch,” Ben says, rubbing his head. “Don’t blow my chances here,” he jokes.

  Carrie scoffs. “Like you even had a chance, loser,” she tells him. She grabs a handful of popcorn which she shoves into her mouth.

  “Well, you wanted me that one time, remember?” He nudges her shoulder. Carrie rolls her eyes while Mandy giggles.

  “Jesus, Ben. I was like sixteen and rip-roaring drunk. I would have been interested in a tree if it was as close to me as you were.”

  Ben grips his heart as if she hurt him and rolls around the floor dramatically. Mandy laughs and Carrie just goes back to watching her show.

  “Okay then, I am off to bed. Good night,” I say, and give them a wave from the doorway. They look up, give me a quick smile and carry on watching.

  I climb into my new, warm bed and fall asleep instantly, exhausted after my physically and emotionally busy day.

  Chapter Three

  “Well, hello there, pretty girl,” he says with eyes narrowing. His breath smells like beer and I know I am in trouble.

  “Please let me go,” I whisper to him.

  “I’m not doing anything sweetheart,” he says, rubbing my arms up and down…up and down.

  I start to shake. I know what is coming next and I wish I could run away but his hands hold me down firmly. Why oh why didn’t I sleep under my bed like I did last time he went out.

  “Please…” I try and say but he covers my mouth with his hand and his dark face blocks out all the light from the hallway.

  “Nooooo!” I wake up gasping for breath. I quickly turn on the light and look around the room. Everything is there; all in its place sitting innocently. My eyes turn to where I hung my photo. It is curled at the edges and slightly crumpled but I can still see Alex, Fred and me when we were young. We all sit together outside our apartment. Our little faces are close together and we are smiling. It is the only picture I have of the three of us and I treasure it more than anything else in my room. I picture our old neighbor who gave this to me after my life was ripped away from me and I whisper a quick thanks to her for this one keepsake. I get out of bed to rub my hands over it. I feel tears threaten but I blink them away. I thought I had no tears left over this. My throat burns so I tiptoe to the kitchen. The microwave tells me that it is 2:00 a.m. I sigh and fill a glass with water, downing it in one go and soothing my dry throat. I hear soft noises coming from the living room and walk over to investigate. In the living room I spot Nathan. On his lap is a girl with short brown hair and a killer body. She has her top off and he is rubbing her breasts, his eyes closed. My body freezes and I start to shake. I don’t want to be here. With the nightmare fresh in my mind, I start to fall apart.

  I try and walk away but my feet are glued. Suddenly I feel eyes burning into mine. I look up and see Nathan watching me, hands frozen to the girl’s chest. She is still moaning with pleasure. He scowls and I suddenly find the strength and hurry away into my room. I climb into bed and try counting to one hundred, anything to get the images out of my head. I hear the stairs creak and then suddenly voices above me. I realize then that Nathan’s room is directly above mine as giggling joins a low murmur. I know it will be a long night as I shove my pillow over my head to block out the sounds.

  The alarm wakes me up at seven. I climb out of bed wearily after listening to soft giggly noises all night. Stupid giggly bitch.

  I grab my clean clothes and trudge up the stairs hoping the bathroom is free. To my utter delight it is and I have my allocated five minute shower, brush my teeth and put on my yellow summer dress as quickly as I can. I tie up my hair in a bun and apply a touch of mascara and some lip gloss.

  In the kitchen I see Nathan sitting at the counter drinking coffee. I know I need to say something, apologize somehow. I shift from leg to leg and decide to just come out and say it.

  “Nathan…I…um, well I am sorry about last night. I didn’t know you had company,” I blurt out, feeling my damn cheeks heat up.

  Nathan puts the coffee down. “Yeah, well…I can’t say it was the best thing to open my eyes and see you standing there watching,” he says and looks at me curiously. “Why did you stand there and watch?” he asks suddenly.

  “What? I…um no, it was just a shock! It’s not every night I walk into a sex scene! I w
asn’t standing there long!”

  I hear Nathan chuckle and sneak another glance at him.

  “No, actually I’m the one who is sorry,” he says, looking at me seriously with those soulful eyes. “I forgot someone was in the room down here. It’s sort of been a while. I swear I will be careful in the future.” He gets up, takes his cup to the sink and walks out the room.

  I stand there a moment longer wondering what the hell he must think of me. I finally snap out of it, shrug and go into my room to finish getting ready for the day.

  Chapter Four

  “Theory tells us children are embedded into their family, therefore as teachers we have a responsibility to ensure that we include and welcome families into our work with children,” my lecturer says, walking around the class.

  I think back to my childhood as she speaks. I hope and pray I am not ‘embedded’ into my family. I wish I could remember what is fact and what is fiction but I know either way my early years were not easy.

  The rest of the lecture continues and I write notes to ensure I remember what I learn even if I have stopped really listening. I am not sure why I decided to become a psychologist. I suspect it has everything to do with the foster parents who raised me. Thinking of them brings a smile to my face and I know I need to call them soon.

  “Hey Mom!” I say when she answers the phone. I have been with them since I was six years old. They are the parents I want to remember, the ones that changed my world and made it a better place.

  “Sam? Is that you?” she shrieks back at me. “Dan…Dan!” I hear her call my dad, “I think it’s Sam on the phone!” I laugh. At seventy and seventy-four my parents are losing their hearing and I suspect a little of their minds too. They took me in when they were in their late fifties and I really respect them for that. I was the last child they took in and because of that, I got to spend twelve glorious years with them after they finally adopted me as their own when I turned eight.

  “My little bird!” I hear my dad pick up the extension. “How are you honey?” he asks.

  I feel my heart swell with love for these two. “I am good. I miss you though!” I say.

  My parents live on the East Coast and it takes a good two hours to fly back to see them. I know I will only be going back during the holidays. At their age, I am too far away for them to come to me. This makes me feel sad, but I chose this college because it had one of the best reputations for the course I wanted to study, so I can’t complain.

  “Birdie, we miss you too,” Dad says.

  I have always been his ‘birdie.’ I remember the stories they told me. When they first met me, I opened and closed my mouth like a baby bird and flitted from room to room trying to find safe places to hide. I have almost forgotten those first few days but the feeling of warmth I have for these two people is strong.

  “How is college? How is Jess? What have you been up to?” Dad rattles off to me.

  I tell them about me leaving Jess and moving into my new home but I skim over the reasons why. I suspect they know, but neither says a word. I tell them about my new house and housemates and I hear my mom take a deep breath when I mention it is a co-ed. She doesn’t complain so I continue by telling them all about my studies and what I have been learning. We talk for a good half hour and by the time we finish speaking, I feel whole again, filled up with love. We say goodbye and I promise to call them in a few days’ time.

  “Hi all,” I say, coming into the house later that afternoon. I have been here for a week now and so far, everyone has been amazing, friendly, warm and very welcoming. I haven’t had one nightmare which has meant I haven’t woken up and seen anything else gross outside my bedroom door either.

  I dump my bags onto my bed and head back into the kitchen where everyone is watching Ben cook.

  “What’re you making us tonight?” I ask, looking over Ben’s shoulder and stealing a slice of carrot. Already I am starting to relax around these people.

  “Hey!” he says, trying to grab the carrot back but I just smile and sit on the stool. He glares at me, then says with pride, “Stir fry.”

  “Yum, need any help?”

  He arches one eyebrow and laughs. “After last night’s fiasco of burnt toasted sandwiches? No thanks!”

  “Hey, I warned you I couldn’t cook, and besides, as a chef in the making, you could teach me!” I shoot back.

  “Yeah, when it’s your turn to cook next, remind me to go out that night.” Carrie laughs, folding her legs under the seat and sitting up a little higher.

  “Yeah, who knew you could be such a bad cook?” Mandy adds. “I think we may have to kick you out.”

  I just roll my eyes at her in a ‘whatever’ gesture.

  “Babe, you can only bring a horse to water, you can’t make it drink,” Ben answers me.

  “Ben, I don’t even know what the hell that means.” I laugh.

  Nathan just watches us and I feel his eyes burning a hole into the back of my head. I try and ignore him as best I can. Something about Nathan and his serious eyes makes me feel uncomfortable but I see how the rest of the gang treat him so I try my best to do the same.

  Mandy turns to me and asks, “So, Sam, how is your course going?”

  We chat for a while as Ben continues his meal. Ben is truly an amazing cook and if I could I would get him to cook every meal in exchange for even cleaning up his pigsty of a room.

  As I sit with the others, I mostly listen and watch them all. Although I am learning how to be myself with these people, I still struggle to feel normal. Sitting back and watching them makes me feel happy. Their familiarity in each other is amazing and I become conscious of the fact that these guys have known each other a long time.

  “How come you all know each other so well?” I blurt out, interrupting their conversation.

  They stop talking and then look at each other, speaking without words.

  I wonder at the sudden solemn vibe in the room but then Mandy speaks. “We all went to school together. We grew up in the same neighborhood and became firm friends a long, long time ago. My parents actually bought this house for the five…um I mean,” she stops for a second, looking down and then takes a deep breath. “I mean four of us, so we could come here.”

  “Oh,” is all I say. It all sounds a bit extreme but who am I to dig deeper. If Mandy’s parents wanted to buy them a house so they could stay together, they must be pretty tight and Mandy’s family must have a bit of extra cash!

  Nathan sighs and leans towards me. I shift away. His lips thin. “Our families…well they have been through a lot.” He runs his hands through his hair making it stand up in all different angles. “They thought it would be best if we stay together. You know, look out for each other…We haven’t exactly had the easiest couple of years.” He stops there and looks at me hesitantly. I nod. What are they saying without words?

  “Anyway,” Ben breaks the awkward silence that follows, “let’s eat!”

  Everyone comes to life and moves around getting cutlery, plates and finding a space to sit. The food is wonderful and the conversation eases back to normality. I sit quietly smiling at my new friends, nodding when needed and talking when I have to.

  Chapter Five

  The weather cools as we move into autumn. I realize the clothes I brought with me are not going to cut it. I need to go shopping but to do that, I need money, which is a little scarce. I don’t want to ask Mom or Dad, who have done enough for me, so I decide to ask my friends for help.

  “Mandy, do you know of anyone looking at hiring staff outside of college hours?” I ask one day as we walk home together.

  “Um, actually have you tried Joe’s?”

  “Who is that?”

  Mandy smiles, rolling her eyes. “You really don’t go out much do you? Joe’s is a club in town. I have a feeling they are hiring bar staff. Luckily, you won’t need to cook!”

  I laugh along with her but my stomach falls. I know I don’t want to work anywhere that sells rum. It invokes too ma
ny memories and besides the smell alone would make me sick. “Thanks Mandy, but I was sort of hoping for, I dunno, maybe a restaurant, clothing shop or even a coffee shop job?”

  “Well, you could try Sally’s Coffee Shop in town. That is pretty busy and popular too. Maybe they are recruiting and besides, Sally owes me,” she says, looking enthusiastic as this idea hits her. “Come on, I’ll show you where it is.” She grabs my hand and leads me away from our home and into town down a side road that just screams, ‘trendy’. We arrive at a coffee shop swarming with people. I panic, but Mandy just pulls me closer to her. She looks at me closely, ruffles my hair, tucks in my shirt and whips out some lipstick. “Here, slap some of this on.”

  I take it and do what she says. I know her better by now than to try and stop her when she is on a mission. She takes my hand and drags me towards the cafe.

  “Hi Sally!” she yells over the crowds.

  Sally, a middle aged woman with crazy curly hair, rosy cheeks and a full figure, looks up and gives her a huge smile. “Mandy, honey, how are you?” She comes round the counter and wraps her in a giant bear hug, her voice as big as her size.

  Mandy fills her in on why we are here. I see Sally look over at me curiously so I give her a big smile and nervously wipe my hands on my jeans.

  “You ever worked in a café?” she asks me when Mandy finally stops talking.

  “Um, yeah,” I reply. Well, I did work that one day back home.

  “Can you make coffee?” She indicates the massive coffee machine which takes up most of the counter.

  I hesitate for a second and then realize that no matter what, I can’t lie about this. “No, but I am a fast learner!”

  Sally gives me a small smile and starts shaking her head but Mandy jumps in, “Sally, Sam lives with us. This will really help her out and I just know you will love her…please, please, please? Just give her a trial!”