When Sinners Kneel (Blackest Gold World)

by R. Scarlett

  But it did nothing to prevent the heavy blow.

  I knew—I knew his soul was dark, but he wasn’t destroying me.

  His soul, the soul that I loved.

  “He—”

  “Beau’s soul was too intense, too toxic. It was poisoning you from within, Lex,” Molly continued as I began to shake. I couldn’t lose Beau. I couldn’t give him up. I loved him. I loved him.

  “Where is he?” I snapped, growing anxious and restless. “I need to see him.” I needed to tell him to ignore what they were saying. That I was fine. That he didn’t cause this. That we were fine.

  He would withdraw from me. He would think he did this. He would blame himself. He would crumble back into his own self. Everything we had had for the last few months would disappear. The man I had found beneath the beast would vanish, back into the darkness.

  Molly gripped my shoulders, preventing me from standing up. “Beau—Beau left, Lex. To give you the chance to move on. To heal.”

  It felt like someone had ripped my heart out and I gripped my t-shirt, unable to breathe.

  “No. No, no, no!” I pulled at my t-shirt, feeling suffocated, feeling dizzy and sick.

  “Lex, I know you care for him, but he doesn’t want to hurt you. He’s trying to save you,” she whispered, holding my arms.

  “If he wanted to save me, he would’ve stayed here with me. He’d…” I shook my head, my eyes pleading with her. “I just want to see him. I won’t ask him to stay, I just want to say goodbye, please,” I begged, choking on my words.

  Tears fell down Molly’s cheeks at my desperation. “He’s already left, sweetheart.” She sniffled, combing my hair back.

  “But he marked me,” I murmured, my shaky fingers touching the collar tight around my neck. Molly’s eyes clung to my throat and her mouth parted, unsure of what to say. “He said he wanted to protect me.”

  Warmth blurred my vision and tears soaked my cheeks, the saltiness dripping into my mouth.

  Molly hugged my shaking body and tried to calm me, but nothing could.

  My heart was broken.

  My heart had been ripped out and taken away with Beau.

  People always left me. I should have known that he would too, but I still hoped he would stay. That I could save his soul.

  I had been terribly wrong.

  After hours, I finally fell asleep with Molly holding me, my body beyond exhaustion after shedding so many tears. Each night after this first one, I woke screaming for him.

  With each day, my body got better, healthier, but the ache in my chest never faded.

  Little baby Illya’s laughter filled the kitchen as I scooped him up and wiped the baby food from his tiny hands. He looked so much like his father, Tensley, but had his mother’s violent blue eyes. His dark unruly curls framed his chubby face and I couldn’t resist kissing his cheeks over and over again.

  “Hi birthday boy,” Molly said, walking into the white kitchen, her eyes lighting up as soon as she saw her son. I handed him over and she gushed at him, kissing his temple adoringly.

  It had been a year since Molly had given birth and just a little under a year since I’d last seen Beau.

  Just the thought of him made my chest ache and I pushed the thought away as soon as it appeared. I tried my best to focus on the present. I had been doing better. Tensley and Molly were kind enough to let me stay with them and I helped out with the baby and chores when I could. I had been taking some classes at NYC but it was more to pass the time and I continued to tell Tensley I’d pay him back. He only smiled and shrugged it off.

  I pulled out my container of pills and popped one in my mouth. It wasn’t the same as drinking someone’s soul, but it kept me alive and it did the job. It didn’t have much of a taste, but I could feel it feed me. When I had been given the opportunity to feed from someone at a club Dolores took me to one day, to feed off their soul, I couldn’t do it. So I chose pills. It felt wrong to taste someone’s soul from their lips. The act was too sacred to me now.

  “The food just arrived,” I told her, gesturing to the china plates of delicious gourmet food gathered on the dining room table.

  Molly glanced over at it, still swaying with Illya in her arms. “Perfect.”

  Molly had begun working part-time at a museum and with her busy schedule, I had spent more afternoons with Illya. He was such a curious little boy. I had to keep my eye on him at all times because he could be a handful when he thought nobody was watching. But Illya was precious. I took him outside most of the time on walks in the park. I was thankful for Molly, Tensley, and baby Illya. For taking me in and making me part of their family. Just as Tensley chose to protect me and let me join Scorpios when I was a kid.

  Dolores came around a lot. To just talk, watch movies or bake awful cookies Tensley threw out with a disgusted frown. I had surrounded myself with positive, caring people and I felt balanced, but there was always going to be that one thing missing. This space inside me that felt empty and ached to be filled by the only person who could.

  I hadn’t been easy to be around the first few months after Beau’s departure. I’d cried myself to sleep more times than I could count. But, eventually, the pain had started to ease. I’d started to breathe again. I’d started smiling again…and laughing.

  And baby Illya had been a big help on my path back to some kind of happiness. That boy could light up an entire room full of somber, grumpy demons.

  On some days, he’d been the only reason why I’d gotten up and out of my room. So that I could play with him. Feel his joy and innocence. And love. So much love.

  He lifted up my soul.

  He had saved me from tumbling back into a dark place I didn’t want to go to again.

  “You want me to take him while you go get ready?” I asked.

  Molly shook her head. “You go get ready. I left a dress on the bed for you.”

  I frowned at her, but she only laughed it off. I didn’t like them spending money on me. I paid rent and my own groceries, but both of them, especially Molly, would often return home with things for me. Like new shoes or dresses or jewelry. She always played it off as nothing, saying she’d seen it in a shop window and thought it would fit me perfectly.

  Tonight was a little bit different though. All of the soldiers of Scorpios would be attending, including Wesley. He was a guy I had just begun to date. Not seriously, but he was good looking and seemed nice enough. Tensley approved because of his family of soldiers for Scorpios, but only after Molly told him to stop acting like he had any say in my intimate life.

  I laughed to myself, remembering last week’s family dinner conversation and Wesley trying not to choke in front of Tensley.

  I wasn’t sure if I was fully ready for a relationship. What Beau and I had…it was something else entirely. Our souls had become attached to one another.

  Dependent.

  He left me so easily and without saying goodbye.

  As if whatever we had shared hadn’t meant anything to him.

  I shook off thoughts of him once more and walked upstairs to my bedroom. My room was in another wing of the townhouse, separating me from Molly and Tensley and Illya. Which frankly, I was thankful for. When I woke up to go to the bathroom at night, I could often hear Molly’s moans and Tensley’s grunts.

  I didn’t need it right beside me when I was trying to sleep.

  I opened the door to my bedroom and gazed at the dark red dress laid out on my bed. The room was simple, but Molly had decorated it with a touch of her upper East side past. A large comfy bed and silk sheets, along with an antique dresser. A large window lets in all the natural light, overlooking the backyard.

  Pulling my t-shirt over my head and yanking off my jeans, I slipped the sheer dress over my body.

  It was snug, tight, which made my breasts look like they were on the brink of spilling out. I moved to the mirror and stared back at myself.

  My frame had filled out to a healthier, curvy figure, and the slit of the dress en
ded dangerously high on my thigh.

  I sighed, moving to my dresser and plugging in my curling iron. Please let the night be over with quickly.

  BEAU

  The sight of Scorpios’ townhouse made my heart clench. It still stood tall and proud, as if nothing had changed but myself.

  I stepped out of the car and fixed my jacket, taking a deep breath before marching up to the French glass doors.

  When I entered, the soldiers paused, lifting their gaze to take me in.

  For a moment, it appeared no one recognized me.

  Until one after the other, their gazes dropped back to their shoes, becoming stiff statues in front of me.

  I clenched my jaw and walked down the hallway, my shoes the only sound as they clicked across the black and white tiled floor.

  I stopped right outside of my father’s office—now Tensley’s office. I steeled myself before entering, seeing him working at his desk, reading what looked to be a report.

  His eyes lifted and his features softened. “You’re back.”

  I shrugged, stepping farther in. “I did what was asked. I kept Boston in line. Now Scorpios has safely spread its control over Ares’ old territory. The transition was a bit rocky, but it’s done.”

  Tensley nodded, staring back at me. “I figured you’d rather stay there. In Boston.”

  I stuffed my hands into my pockets and clenched my jaw. “Things change.”

  Like myself.

  The entire year away, I focused on myself. On bettering me. On cleansing my soul for her.

  Lex. My Lex.

  I wasn’t ready for her yet. I wasn’t ready to see her. I wanted to come to her as the man she needed. The man that would protect her.

  But I knew I wasn’t there yet.

  Every time I felt like giving up, I thought of her.

  And it kept me pushing through the darkness and toward the light.

  “I’ve heard nothing but praise,” Tensley said, nodding at me. “They said they’d never seen a man so vicious.”

  I sucked at my teeth, not sure what to say to that.

  I’d discovered a new side of myself, a man whose soul wasn’t as dark and angry as it had once been. And it wasn’t the man I’d been before Fallen had ripped out my old heart. This was a different version of myself. But in order to rule, control, and oblige my duties to Scorpios, I had to keep part of the Savage alive and thriving. Keeping an iron fist on Boston had certainly done the trick.

  Before, I’d been controlled by my anger in all aspects of my life. It had been what had controlled all my relationships.

  But I was better at controlling it now. Controlling my anger. Controlling the darkness.

  But still, they were there.

  My soul still felt heavy and dark. All the months of aching for it to be cleansed hadn’t changed me enough.

  The sound of laughter from the backyard filled the silence. Tensley paused, glancing at his watch. “Fuck. Molly’s gonna kill me.”

  Nothing new.

  Tensley stood, his gaze going back to me. “Scorpios is celebrating my son’s birthday. If you’d like to join us.”

  I rubbed my thumb along my palm. “I have plans.” I had planned to go straight to the Pit to see Tegan and Steel. I had business to take care of there.

  Tensley nodded again and I stood, moving out into the hallway. The same hallway I once walked as a teenager believing I’d be ruling as Dux after my father retired.

  My fingers twitched, aching to take a drag of belladonna. It didn’t help much, but it made me stop missing Lex.

  As I reached into my pocket, head bowed, I heard another set of shoes clicking against the tiled floor. Softer, faster.

  I glanced up—and my blood ran cold.

  Alexandra, dark hair secured back on one side of her head, the loose waves caressing over her bare shoulder—and a deep dark red dress hugging her every curve. Like a siren. Like a temptress.

  My heart froze. My body stiffened. My beast roared.

  Her red ruby lips parted at the sight of me.

  Those lips I’d kissed so many times.

  And then those small deadly lips morphed into a scowl.

  Seeing him, in the darkness of the hallway, the shadows pooling around his beautiful features made my knees weak. Beau’s chest swelled, a deep breath releasing into the thick air and I saw a muscle feather in his jaw.

  My heart pounded in my chest, in my ribcage, threatening to escape and run to him. Where, even after all these months apart, it knew it still belonged.

  His hands were stuffed into his pockets, his chin held high as he scanned me.

  A worried crease sat between his dark brows, and his pinched mouth didn’t stop my heart from hammering like a hummingbird. Did he feel my anxiety? My desire for him?

  The need, the ache pulsed inside of me. To hold him. To kiss him.

  And then I remembered.

  I remembered he left me. My desire and need turned to anger. Like a whip across my skin and heart and I looked away, down to his hands that once held me and cherished me.

  He didn’t want me.

  His inked fingers held a joint between them and he lowered it, staring back at me.

  His gaze danced across my figure and I felt naked. Like he was soaking me in and I was going to drown under his eyes.

  Another hot flash of anger erupted in my chest and I glared at him, lifting my chin high. My heart was still beating for him, but my head knew better. He wouldn’t get me again. He wouldn’t get to see me kneel at his feet. I wasn’t going to chase him. Not again. I was beyond this. I was beyond him.

  Just thinking it made my chest ache violently.

  “Alexandra,” he finally said, the timbre of his voice low and smoky and full of darkness.

  The sound of my name on his full lips punctured my heart and lungs and mind. I paused in the doorway, fingers biting into the wood for support. I would have killed for him to say that months ago, but now—now I just felt empty and exhausted and unsure.

  I didn’t trust his words. He had lied to me. He had whispered promises from that very same mouth and he had broken them.

  Along with my heart.

  His dark chiseled features, his scruffy jaw, his hair a tad bit shorter, but still dark and wild like him.

  All the inked skin, but now hidden underneath a suit. I never would’ve thought he’d look this good in a suit, but seeing him in front of me, the bulges in his arms as he straightened, I liked it.

  I huffed out a breath and fisted my hands.

  With one last icy glare, I turned on my heels and walked out of sight, back to the yard decorated with fairy lights overhead.

  Classical music played in the background, soothing and dreamy, but it did nothing to calm my heart racing deep in my chest.

  “Lex,” a voice called to me and I glanced over to see Wesley walking toward me, two champagne glasses in hand. He handed me one, smiling at me, unaware I was shaking still.

  Shaking from the mere presence of Beau.

  His crooked smile faded. He was tall and muscular and had one tattoo, a compass on the back of his hand. He told me it kept him balanced and reminded him to always go down whatever path destiny put him on. One night, he told me that path was me.

  I had smiled faintly and ignored the tightness in my own chest. I didn’t want to be his destiny. I didn’t want to be anyone’s destiny. I just wanted peace and harmony and safety.

  “You okay?” he asked, raising one brow.

  I nodded. “Yeah, just a little tired.”

  Everyone knew I was a souleater here and Tensley had made it clear I wasn’t a toy to Scorpios. They knew I was getting supplements and I was sure they figured out it wasn’t the same thing as actually tasting someone’s soul.

  “Come meet some of the guys,” he said, pressing a hand to the small of my back. I walked with him, smiling at each soldier and their guests.

  Wesley introduced me to two soldiers and they greeted me warmly.

  It was
then I felt the heavy weight of someone’s gaze on me. Glancing over my shoulder, I saw Beau standing underneath a tree with Tensley. An imposing statue of strength and beauty and determination. He dug deep inside of me and when I didn’t want to feel, when I wanted to hate him, I couldn’t because I still loved him. Even after all this time. A cigarette hung from his mouth, clouds of smoke billowing upward. Even smelling the belladonna in the air reminded me of how he tasted—so bitter and sweet and warm.

  The longer I stared, the more I could taste him on my gums.

  I couldn’t bear to look at him. Not his dark, smoldering glare or the way his jaw was soft and hard, and his full lips looked so damn edible.

  Some taste could never be forgotten. No matter how hard you tried.

  BEAU

  The belladonna did nothing to help ease the need, the ache in my body at the sight of another man touching Lex.

  I didn’t come back for her though. Not yet. But seeing her with another man made me want to march over and haul her over my shoulder and show everyone she was mine and I was hers.

  I stood at the edge of the backyard, watching, soaking in the drug, hoping to calm my beast, but just hearing her laugh amongst a group of Scorpios men made my blood boil.

  I puffed out another breath and let my hand drop, the joint resting between my fingers.

  Her in that tight red dress. I wanted to feel that collar, the mark around her neck, its cool steel against my palm.

  Tensley walked beside me, stuffing his hands in his pant pockets, smirking at something in the distance. I followed his gaze, realizing he was watching Molly kissing their son, giggling at Illya’s laughter.

  “You’re staring,” I said, taking another drag from the belladonna. Both of us stood underneath the giant willow trees, away from the rest of the men.

  “Yes, I am,” he snapped back.

  My eyes focused on Lex again as she moved toward Molly but not before stealing another angry glance at the two of us in the shadows.

  Tensley worked his jaw. “What did you fuck up now?”