[Measure of Devotion 01.0 - 03.0] Box Set

by Caethes Faron

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  The drive back to the ranch was as peaceful as Kale could have hoped for. It was quiet, or at least if Jason had spoken, Kale didn’t hear him. He was too focused on the road ahead. In a world devoid of purpose or sense, he had been given a goal. As long as he kept driving, he would complete it. All his energy focused on getting them to the ranch, getting Jason to his father. These were simple objectives with measurable results. Each kilometer that passed was proof of his success. It was a small victory, but he needed the triumph.

  All too soon, he pulled the car up the drive to Robert’s house. Time to focus on another goal. He took their solitary bag upstairs and unpacked, putting everything in its place. The clothes would need ironing. No need to ask a slave to do it. Kale had ironed thousands of shirts in his life. He relished the idea of smoothing out wrinkles, seeing the pristine fabric after he had ironed it. Such a visible sign of accomplishment.

  “Kale, what are you doing?”

  He was opening the door of their room to go in search of an iron when Jason’s voice stopped him. “I need to iron our clothes.”

  “We can have someone else do that.”

  “I can do it.” Kale stayed resolutely turned away from Jason.

  “I know you can, love, but you don’t need to.”

  Kale felt Jason near. “Yes, I do.” He needed to keep doing, to keep moving. If he stopped, he didn’t know what would happen.

  “No.” Jason’s hand covered Kale’s where it rested on the doorknob. “I’ll not have you spend the rest of your life outrunning your grief. I understand you want to stay busy, but we need to go eat with my father. He held dinner for us. Since he sleeps most of the day, time’s pretty relative to him right now. After we eat, we’re going to bed. If you need to focus on anything, focus on those two things: eating and then sleeping.”

  Kale adjusted his mind, replacing ironing with the task of eating. Sleeping seemed too tall an order. One thing at a time. Eating he could manage. When Kale nodded his understanding, Jason released his hand, and they walked down to dinner.

  Robert was paler than he had been before. Or maybe it was just that everything seemed less vivid to Kale. He took his seat, placed his napkin in his lap, and eagerly awaited the soup. When it arrived, he focused on one spoonful at a time. As long as he had something to do, he could get through this. The emptiness inside would abate sometime, or maybe he would simply learn to live with it.

  “I was sorry to hear about your mother, Kale.”

  Robert’s voice interrupted Kale’s steady rhythm of one spoonful after the next. He looked up at the older man’s eyes and was relieved to see concern there, not pity. “Thank you, sir.”

  “It’s a shame. Losing a parent is always difficult. I imagine it must have been even worse, given your circumstances.”

  Kale nodded. He didn’t want to talk about it. He couldn’t. Not if he wanted to make it through dinner.

  The soup warmed him. He hadn’t realized how cold he had felt inside. Instead of sating his hunger, the soup had only ignited his appetite. The steak and potatoes tasted heavenly. No other meat tasted as good as Robert’s fresh beef. The food not only energized his body, but it cleared his mind. His thoughts went to Thomas and what he needed to do to get his brother.

  “Sir?” Kale broke the peaceful silence.

  Robert looked up from his plate. His steak sat untouched, but the mashed potatoes were nearly gone. “Yes?”

  “We found out where my brother is, and I intend to buy him. When I do, I was wondering if he’d be welcome here or if I should make other arrangements.” Kale was returning with Thomas one way or another, even if he had to steal him. It was not only polite to ask Robert’s permission, but Kale also wouldn’t tolerate Thomas being mistreated. If Robert was going to treat him as just another slave instead of as Kale’s brother, it would be better for all involved for Kale to get a hotel room for them.

  “Of course he’ll be welcome here. He’s your brother. He’s welcome to all my hospitality for as long as he would like it.”

  “Thank you, sir.”

  “Thank you for showing me the courtesy of asking, though it was hardly necessary.”

  “Just the same, I appreciate your support.”

  The silence resumed. When the meal was finished, Kale and Jason bade Robert goodnight and retired.

  “Was it just me, or did my father look worse than when we left him?” Jason undressed while Kale put away his clothes.

  “No, I noticed it too.”

  “I know the doctors say it’s terminal, but I didn’t really expect him to get worse.”

  Kale settled into bed and opened his arms. Jason snuggled close, making everything in the world seem a little better. “I understand. There’s nothing wrong with hoping that the doctors aren’t right. At least you have this chance to be with him.”

  “What time do you want to leave tomorrow?”

  “I want to call first. If Mr. Conroy paid twenty-one thousand for my brother, I’m sure he has a telephone. I want to try to negotiate a deal before I get there. I don’t trust myself to do it in person. I’ll give too much away. With your father in the condition he’s in, I don’t want to leave without a deal and then end up having to be away for days the way we were this time.”

  “That sounds reasonable. I can call him if you want.”

  Kale ran his finger up and down Jason’s arm. “No, I want to do it, but you’re sweet for offering.”

  “If you change your mind, let me know.”

  There was one matter left to be discussed that Jason had clearly not thought about. “I was wondering if you would be all right with me offering to pay twice what Conroy paid for Thomas.” The thought of haggling over his brother was sickening. “I know it’s more than we need to pay, but I don’t want Thomas thinking we were only willing to buy him if it was a good deal.”

  Jason looked up into Kale’s eyes. Their warmth did more to melt Kale’s muscles than a massage could have. “Of course. You don’t even need to ask. It’s your money as much as mine.”

  “Well, I felt I needed to because I don’t want your name on the title. I intend to purchase him using the same corporation that holds my title.”

  Jason ducked his head, but Kale saw the hurt in his eyes. “It’s not that I don’t trust you, Jason. You have to know nothing is further from the truth. I don’t want Thomas to feel scared of you or worry about you wielding any power over him. I know you would never give him cause to fear, but he won’t know that. It will just make things simpler.”

  “I understand. You still don’t have to ask to spend the money. You know it’s yours to spend however you’d like.”

  Kale snorted. “I barely make enough to cover our expenses.”

  “And you’re the one who arranged the marriage to Renee so I’d inherit Arlington Steel. We’re even.”

  Kale marveled that Jason saw it that way. Instead of dwelling on the fact that Kale had almost destroyed their lives by insisting Jason marry Renee, Jason focused on the good that came from it.

  Jason yawned and settled in closer, content to cuddle. Kale was grateful. As much as he loved Jason, his physical passion was nowhere to be found. There was only hollowness inside of him. During his years of hard labor after Jason sold him, the sheer exhaustion of his body and the hopelessness of his life had chased away his sexual desire. Jason had been the one to coax it back. Kale was frightened that he no longer responded to the call of Jason’s body.

  Kale’s fingers traced Jason’s spine in the darkness. Blindfolded with nothing but a lump of clay, Kale knew he could shape it perfectly into the form of his lover. Each curve, every plane, dip, and angle of Jason’s body was permanently etched in his muscle memory. The fire that the mere thought of Jason usually lit was extinguished, leaving not so much as a warm coal in its wake.

  Kale wanted the comfort of their lovemaking. He yearned for it. His body refused, as if there was no hope for happiness. His body betrayed him, a
nd he cursed it, feeling out of place in his own skin. In his mind, he knew he didn’t deserve the comfort—that he had failed in so many ways—yet he still craved it, and his body refused to give it to him. A part of him had died with the news of his mother. He could only hope that once their lives returned to normal, Jason could bring it back to life.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Jason choked on the smoke from his father’s cigar. “How can you smoke those things when you’re coughing every few minutes?”

  “They’re one of my last pleasures in life. I’m not about to give them up now.”

  Robert reclined on the sofa in his office. He could no longer sit all the way up. Jason sat in a chair next to him. After breakfast, Kale had called Mr. Conroy and set an appointment with his secretary to call back later. Kale had insisted Jason not worry about him and spend time with Robert. The sight of Kale collapsed at his mother’s grave had shaken Jason. It seemed more important than ever to make an effort with his father. “I’ve never liked them.”

  “I know. Your mother did, though. The smell, that is. She never smoked one.”

  “Really? I didn’t know that.”

  “Your grandfather smoked them, and the smell always made her feel at home. There’s a lot about her you don’t know. Despite what you think, you don’t hold the monopoly on loving her.”

  “I’m not the one who stole her life away. She deserved more.”

  “Don’t you think I know she could have done better? Do you honestly believe there’s a single person in this world who knows better than I that she could have had any man she wanted? I don’t know why she chose me, but she did. Sometimes in life, you learn to just shut up, and be grateful.”

  “She didn’t belong here. She belonged in the city, around culture, the arts.”

  “Yes, and she’s the one who decided to leave it all and live here. I was willing to move to Perdana with her. I was prepared to sell everything and follow her wherever she wanted to take me. She decided to stay here.”

  Jason didn’t even try to keep the shock and incredulity from his voice. “What could she possibly have seen in this place?”

  “She saw that it was a part of me, which is more than you ever have. She thought it would be a good place to raise children. She saw value in building something that we could pass on to the next generation.”

  Jason felt his father’s condemnation. “I’m sorry I wasn’t the son you always wanted, the one who would carry on the family name.”

  “All your mother and I ever wanted was for you to be happy. We wanted the best for you. It’s what we worked for. I’ve never loved anyone else as much as I loved your mother. I would have never allowed her to stay here if I thought it made her unhappy.”

  “You sure have a way of showing it. You acted as if she never existed. I’d just lost the center of my life, and you went on like nothing had happened.”

  Robert paused in lifting his cigar back to his lips and lowered it. “Is that really what you think?”

  “What am I supposed to think? You never talked about her. You put all of her stuff in storage. I didn’t even understand that she had died. Darlene explained it to me.”

  A violent cough racked Robert’s body. Demetri stepped forward, refilled Robert’s water glass, and helped him to drink. When the cough subsided, Demetri retreated back to the corner. “I handled it badly, and I’m sorry, but it’s not because I didn’t love her. When your mother died, I wanted nothing more than to follow her. I didn’t know how I was supposed to continue without her. There were times when I even came close to doing it. One night, I remember sitting right here in this study with a revolver in my hand, just staring at it.”

  A chill filled Jason’s chest. He had never seen this side of his father. “What kept you from doing it?”

  “You. Literally.” Robert chuckled and then coughed. Jason handed him his glass of water. “You came banging on my door, upset that it was locked. It was time for dinner, and Darlene had sent you to come get me.”

  Jason found a vague memory of the event in his mind. Mainly, he remembered being perturbed at his father for locking him out of the normally open study. “I never knew.”

  “Of course not. That was the point. I had to lock away all traces of your mother, or I would have gone insane, and I didn’t have that luxury. I couldn’t be surrounded by her. I had you to think about.”

  “All I ever wanted was to talk to you about her. I thought you didn’t love her or me.” Jason’s world slowly shifted. Everything he had taken as a sign of his father’s apathy had actually been a sign of his love.

  “It would have torn me to pieces to talk to you about her. How was I supposed to talk to my son about the woman I had spent my entire adult life loving? I had no way to relate to you. You had lost a mother, but I had lost a lover, a confidante, a friend, a companion. You couldn’t possibly comprehend at that age the void she left in my life. And I didn’t want you to feel like you had to fill it, because you couldn’t. I thought it was best if I just acted like things were fine. Perhaps if I acted long enough, things really would be fine.” The last words rattled with phlegm, and Robert was overcome by a coughing fit.

  “I suppose I can understand that.”

  “No, you can’t. But thanks for saying it. You were always like your mother. She needed to talk about everything. I was never one to pour my heart out. I was selfish. I should have taken better care of you. I should have realized that you were a scared little boy who needed me to show my love in a way you could understand, no matter how uncomfortable it made me. Except, the person who normally would have pointed that out to me was your mother, and she was gone.”

  “Thank you for explaining it to me now.” This was the most his father had ever said to Jason privately at one time. Jason realized that, even though Robert had raised him, Jason really had no idea who he was. Robert had always just been his father. It was difficult to picture him with a whole other life outside of him.

  Robert continued as if Jason hadn’t spoken. “When you got older and the pain of her passing wasn’t so fresh, I thought about trying to talk to you, but by that time the rift between us was too large.”

  “I thought you hated me.”

  “No, I could never hate you.” Robert’s face softened as he shook his head.

  “You seemed to despise me for liking the things I did.”

  “Never. They were all the things your mother loved. It was painful to look at you and see her. Every day was a struggle just to keep living, and there you were, a constant reminder of the wife I had lost. I didn’t detest those things in you, I loved them. I just didn’t know how to show it when it caused me so much hurt.”

  Why hadn’t Jason ever been able to look back on his childhood and see his father’s point of view? They had each been wrapped up so tight in their grief that they hadn’t been able to help each other. Jason was too young to have realized it at the time, but as he got older, he could have given his father a chance. Instead, he’d viewed him as the enemy, the antithesis of his sweet mother. “I’m so sorry I ever doubted you.”

  “I didn’t give you a reason not to. I thought I was showing my love for you by providing for you, paying to send you to university even though I felt I was losing the last little bit of Lena when you left. If she had been here, she would have boxed my ears and told me to love my little boy the way he needed to be loved, not the way I wanted to love him. Who’s the adult anyway?” Robert chuckled again. “She liked to use that phrase on me.”

  “I can picture that.” Jason smiled as his mind constructed the image.

  “I noticed you would go into her sewing room as a child. I suppose you found her journals.”

  “Actually, I only just found them the other day.”

  “Really? I couldn’t bear to read them. I didn’t need to. I already knew all there was to know about her. I always assumed you read them.”

  “No, I’m reading them now, though, when I have the time.”

  �
��Good. You should. I know you loved her as your mother, but there was so much more to her, things you would have learned to appreciate about her as you grew older.”

  Jason hesitated to confess his next concern. However, Robert had overcome his fear of judgment and laid himself bare. Jason could do the same. “As I’m reading them, I try to picture her, but I can’t. I don’t remember what she looked like.”

  “Oh, Jason.” Robert patted his son’s hand. The light frailty of the touch astonished Jason. “That’s all right. It’s natural. Memories fade. Do you know, sometimes I’ll be thinking about her and realize I’m remembering something that never happened? I’ll have made up an entire story just because I miss her so much. It’s no wonder you don’t remember her. We don’t have many portraits of her, but what we do have are in the attic.” Robert looked to the corner. “Demetri, when I’m asleep, you should go to the attic and bring down the paintings of Lena. Jason deserves to see them.”

  “Yes, Master.”

  “How could you stand to go so long without seeing a picture of her when they’re right there in the attic?”

  “I cheated.” Robert reached down and pulled out his pocket watch. Flipping open the cover, he revealed a miniature portrait of Jason’s mother. “I see her every day.”

  Jason gasped. For the first time in almost twenty years, he saw his mother’s face. His mind travelled back to his childhood when his father constantly checked his watch. “It wasn’t punctuality you were obsessed with, was it?”

  Robert grinned. “Hell no. Lena could never get me anywhere on time. It was the one thing I allowed myself. I always carried her with me. It helped me keep it together around you. Without it, you would have been in the awkward position of comforting your old man.”

  “I would have been happy to do it.” All Jason had wanted to be was a comfort to his father, but he had never been given the chance.

  “I know you would have, Son, but you shouldn’t have to. I shouldn’t have kept her pictures from you. Feel free to display them. It’s long overdue. Besides, I wouldn’t mind seeing more of her just now.”