“Fine. I promise I won’t let you hurt me either.”
“Good.” Jason moved to get up, but Kale restrained him.
“Where are you going?”
“I need to pee, if that’s all right with you.” If he waited much longer, he’d have to walk to the toilet with his legs crossed.
Kale released Jason’s legs. “Yes, you have my permission.”
Jason smiled, but it went no further than his lips. It felt like a lie. Nothing inside of him—no emotion—supported the smile, but he wanted to at least pretend he could be normal again. In the bathroom, he didn’t have to feign his relief at relieving his bladder. It was the most positive thing he had felt since his father died.
“I called Martin. He’s on his way.”
Jason rummaged around the wardrobe for a change of clothes. The ones he had on were wrinkled beyond recognition. “You didn’t have to bother him.”
“He wasn’t bothered, Jason. We need him here, and he’s happy to help. He would have been offended if we hadn’t called him.”
“I suppose you’re right.” Martin would be invaluable. This was precisely the type of situation in which he shone. Jason’s only objection was that he didn’t want to make his problems someone else’s. Martin had shouldered enough of Jason’s problems over the years.
“What are you doing?”
Jason unbuttoned his shirt. “Are you monitoring my every movement now?”
“Yes. Get used to it.”
“I’m getting dressed so I can go downstairs.”
“And then?”
“Then I will eat, if it pleases you.”
“I can have a tray brought up. You don’t have to go anywhere.”
“I know.” Jason was about to say he wanted to, but it wasn’t true. “It seems like the prudent thing to do.”
“I don’t want you thinking you need to do anything for anybody. If you want to go downstairs, that’s great, but don’t do it because you think you owe it to anyone to make an appearance.”
Jason shrugged into his new shirt and began buttoning. “I just want a little normalcy before I break down again.” It was coming. Jason could sense it on the edges of his mind. Once the fog rolled away, there would be nothing numbing his grief, and it would assault him again. The only uncertainty was whether it would be as powerful as before.
Kale joined Jason in dressing. “Good. There’s a beef stew in the kitchen that’ll make you want to take Darlene home with us.”
Darlene. What would happen to her now that his father was dead? Jason supposed she belonged to him. He could take her home if he wanted, cart her off like a memento. It was impossible to imagine the ranch without her. She was as much a part of it in his mind as the house itself. There couldn’t be one without the other. “That sounds good.”
Jason went through the motions. He finished dressing, went downstairs, navigated to the dining room without thinking, and ate what was put before him. He wanted to taste it, but he couldn’t. The stew seeped warmth into his body, but little else. The meat and potatoes sat heavy in his stomach. The cornbread was sawdust in his mouth. Dutifully, he ate until there was nothing left. Stand, walk, climb stairs, open door. His body seemed to move without any input from him.
“What do you want to do now?” Kale was behind him with both hands on Jason’s shoulders.
The fog was almost gone. Grief and pain rushed in. Jason longed for a drink, for the respite of losing himself in the alcohol, for a bottle to carry him away from himself. Those were dangerous thoughts. A drink was out of the question while he was in this state. He wouldn’t put Kale through that again. But there was an alternative. “Sleep. I want whatever it is you gave me earlier.”
“I’ll have to see if there’s anymore. Get undressed and into bed. I’ll be back.” Kale started for the door, stopped, and came back to Jason, giving him a brief kiss. Without another word, he turned and left.
It was always the little gestures that reminded Jason how lucky he was to have Kale. Jason disposed of his clothes in an orderly fashion and took his spot on the bed. The emptiness of the room crowded in. Without Kale to talk to or hold, he was left with only his mind, and it was a place that scared him. He tried to concentrate on the clock on his bedside table. The steady movement of the second hand tormented him with how effortlessly it passed time while he struggled just to stay inside his own head.
He changed his mind. He didn’t want the sedative. He wanted Kale. If only he would come back. The pressure built. He didn’t want to break, not now, not without Kale. If he let enough of a crack form to let the tears flow, he would burrow inside the misery, wrap it around himself like a blanket, and get lost in it.
The door opened. Jason’s head whipped toward the sound, his eyes searching out Kale’s face. They frantically darted around, not able to focus on any one thing. Two hands on the sides of his face, forcing him still. Two pale green eyes locking on his, not letting him see anything else.
“Jason, it’s all right. I’m here.”
Shivers coursed through his body. Their source was a mystery. “Did you get the sedative?”
“Yes. It’s the last dose. Darlene’s going to send it up in a cup of tea like last time.” Kale toed off his shoes and lay with Jason, crushing their bodies together so close that Jason’s shivering ceased. “Try to relax. If you need to cry, do it. You’ll feel better afterward.”
Jason shook his head. “I won’t be able to stop.”
“I doubt that. Go ahead and try.”
Tears already fell from his eyes. Jason held his breath, attempting to constrain them. When the air finally forced its way from his lungs, he couldn’t hold back his cries any longer. He buried his face in Kale’s chest and let it all out.
His father was dead. His father, who had always loved him, who had given him Kale, who he had only just begun to know. He was gone. There would be no more opportunities, no more chances to talk. A lifetime of memories of Jason and his mother had died. There was so much still to learn from his father, so much to share with him.
Kale’s hand rubbed soothing circles on his back, but it felt so far away. “You’re all right, Jason. I’m here.”
Those simple words were more comforting than Jason would have thought possible. The mere notion that he wasn’t alone was enough to give him some measure of hope, however small. Kale pulled away, and Jason followed, tightening his grip.
“Jason, the tea is here.” He hadn’t heard anyone enter the room—or exit for that matter. “Do you want it now, or do you want to cry some more?”
“Now.” Jason’s abdomen ached. Physically, he was exhausted, but he wouldn’t be able to quiet his mind long enough to sleep without help.
The tea was warm and sweet. The act of drinking it calmed him. Once it was gone, he settled against Kale, allowing the drug to do its work. There was no reason to cry. Soon he would be in a dreamless sleep. When he woke, he would be able to face the day. He had to be.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Something niggled at Kale’s mind. It was too dark to see the clock, but he guessed, given the stillness of the house and how much sleep he felt he’d had, that it was three or four o’clock in the morning. He hadn’t wakened naturally. Something had pulled him from sleep. Jason appeared fine, snoring in Kale’s arms. His grip had relaxed around Kale, his posture no longer revealing deep desperation.
Not able to shake the feeling that something was amiss, Kale went downstairs. Everything appeared normal. In the kitchen, he found what he hadn’t even known he was looking for. Sitting at the table was Martin, eating biscuits and drinking a glass of milk with Darlene across from him.
“I found this one wandering around outside. Will you believe he tried to go to bed without eating anything first? I set him straight on how things work around here. City folk always underestimate the value of a full stomach before bed.”
“Martin! When did you get in?” Kale strode to the table, hand outstretched.
Martin stood
to shake his hand, but as soon as Martin’s hand was in his, Kale pulled the man into a hug. After a pat on the back, he pulled away and sat, gesturing for Martin to do the same.
“Just a few minutes ago. I called and spoke to a man named John before I boarded the train to let him know when I would arrive. He said someone would be waiting for me.”
“I was going to be up soon to start cooking anyway, so I told John I’d get him settled.”
“Thanks, Darlene. Are you normally up this early?”
“No, but with the viewing, there’s going to need to be a lot of food on hand. It’s not too early to start preparing.”
“The viewing. I hadn’t even thought about that.”
“Nor should you.” Martin wiped his mouth with a napkin and took a drink of milk. “That’s what I’m here for. There’s absolutely nothing you need to concern yourself with other than Jason and taking care of yourself. How is he doing?”
“He’s sedated again. I don’t know how he’ll react to seeing his father’s body. He’s so lost in his grief I can assure you he hasn’t thought about the viewing or funeral. When is it all going to happen?”
“I confirmed with this John fellow that the viewing will be tomorrow and the funeral the day after. It’s customary for there to be a private viewing the night before, so Robert’s body will be brought here tonight. It’ll give Jason a chance to pay his respects without the stress of having everyone else around.”
“Just how many people are we planning on having at the viewing?”
“I suppose a couple hundred. They’ll be coming in throughout the day from all over the county.” Darlene pulled bowls down from the cupboards.
“A couple hundred?”
“The master was a well-known and influential man. He didn’t have close friends outside of this ranch, but there’ll be plenty of people who’ll be stopping by.”
Strangers parading through the house and Jason having to stand and greet them all, accept their meaningless condolences. The whole thing was dreadful. “If you’re ready, I can take you up to your room, Martin.”
“I suppose I should get a few hours of sleep before I start. Thank you for the warm welcome, Darlene.”
“My pleasure, sir. Kale, we’ve prepared the room on the other side of Thomas’s for him.”
“Did Thomas come back today?”
“He rode in with the others in time for a late dinner. Looked like he had a good time from the way they all were talking. They found every one of the cows.”
Kale nodded. It was a relief not to have to worry about his brother. “Do you have any luggage, Martin?”
“Just this.” Martin held up a small valise. “I didn’t have time to pack properly. Sophie’s coming later with the rest of my things.”
“Good. Jason’ll be happy to see her.” Kale led the way. Martin’s room was almost identical to Thomas’s except with yellow accents instead of blue. “Thanks again for coming.”
“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be. Go get some sleep. Don’t worry about entertaining me. I’ve got plenty to do and no trouble getting it done myself.”
Jason was still asleep when Kale returned. The sheets were smooth, no signs of distress or fitful sleeping. Encouraged, Kale allowed himself to hope that Jason just might make it through the next few days. With Martin’s help, Jason would only need to show up. Soon, Kale could take Jason home and begin the process of helping him mend.
Chapter Forty
The kitchen bustled with slaves. Jason hadn’t spent much time in there since he’d tried to sneak treats past Darlene as a child. He would tiptoe in, as quiet as a little boy knew how to be, and reach into the cookie jar or sneak a pastry right off the cooling rack. Before the kitchen door even closed behind him, he would run as fast as his little legs would carry him, fist held high, flaunting his victory. Watching Darlene run her kitchen, Jason had no doubt he had never truly gotten away with anything.
This morning had been better. The grief was muted, as if dulled by the profuse crying the previous day. Better was the wrong word. It was more manageable. At least he could function without breaking into tears.
When Kale asked him what he wanted to do, Jason had immediately known he wanted to be in the kitchen. He supposed it was because the kitchen was the one place in the house that held no memories of his mother or father. It was also busy, providing him with plenty to observe in his effort to not retreat into himself. He sat at the kitchen table, an untouched book in front of him, watching Kale knead dough. It was pleasant watching Kale do just about anything. The effort he put into his task, the flex of his muscles, the lines his body formed, it was all the best distraction Jason could ask for. He finally understood why Kale had liked the kitchen all these years.
Kale continually slipped glances in Jason’s direction. Each time, Jason mustered as much of a smile as he could: a little lift of his lips so Kale would know that he was present and aware. There was nothing Kale could do, no action he could take that would chase away the pain. Jason had no doubt in his mind that if there was, Kale would do it, no matter what it entailed. This way, Kale had something he could do, a physical task that yielded a tangible result. Jason could give him that.
The day passed in a blur. Jason only moved to eat or use the bathroom. Kale kept busy in the kitchen, and Jason assured him there was nothing else he’d rather be doing. Martin entered several times to talk to Darlene or Kale. Jason was glad to see Martin. Or at least, he thought he was. He didn’t really feel any different, but he knew logically that having Martin present was a good thing. If the circumstances had been different, he might have pondered why it was that he could feel such intense pain but not the simple pleased feeling he knew must accompany Martin’s arrival. However, it involved too much thinking, and thinking was something best avoided at the moment.
At some point, Sophie had arrived. He’d managed a smile for her as he did for Kale. The slight blonde woman was a welcome sight. She worked well with Darlene, submitting to the slave’s authority in her domain. Kale spoke frequently with Sophie, teasing her about her beau and catching up on lost time. A part of Jason wished he could join in, but what would he say? “How’s your life going, Sophie? I just lost my father and have no idea if I’ll ever be normal again?” His presence in the conversation would only make it awkward.
Jason couldn’t stay in the kitchen forever. All too soon, he had to leave. He didn’t want to. He knew what awaited him. Martin appeared and murmured to Kale, both of them casting worried looks at him. It was time, then. His father’s body had arrived.
Kale approached Jason once Martin had left. Jason stood and spared him having to find the words. “I know.”
“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”
“Nonsense. It’s my duty. I owe him the respect. You know I’d hate myself if I didn’t have this closure. Besides, I won’t be able to avoid it tomorrow, and if I’m going to make a scene, I’d rather it not be with strangers in the house.”
Kale nodded. “Whenever you’re ready.”
Jason had been dreading this all day, steering his thoughts away from it with the distraction of the activity around him. Jason didn’t have the least idea how he’d react to seeing his father. There was slight solace in believing it couldn’t possibly be worse than what had already happened.
Jason reached out for Kale’s hand. Once their fingers were intertwined, Jason took a deep breath and left the kitchen.
The open casket was visible from the parlor doorway. Yellow flowers surrounded it, and Demetri stood behind, his eyes lowered. Custom dictated that the body never be left alone. The body. When Jason reached the casket, he was surprised at how peaceful his father appeared. He was dressed in one of his finest suits. The expression on his face was relaxed and smooth. To see his father before him, so still and serene, was eerie. Without life animating his body, Jason didn’t know what to make of it. How was he supposed to feel? He didn’t know whether seeing his father should console hi
m or upset him. Mostly, it made him long for the last few days, the days when he and his father had been able to talk, to even play cards with Kale, to joke and laugh and reminisce. He longed for the father he had never known as a child. He longed for the man his mother had loved. He longed to reach a place where his father was a happy memory in his heart that he could carry everywhere.
Jason let go of Kale’s hand and placed both of his on the casket. Fine craftsmanship. Whoever had arranged for it had spared no expense. Jason appreciated that. His father deserved the best, even though he would have hated it. “Why spend so much money on a box you’re going to bury?” he’d say. “What use is it to a dead man?” he’d reason. Jason smiled. He could still hear his father’s voice clearly in his mind. He knew from experience that someday it would fade until he could no longer remember it, until all he had was the memory of a memory. He wanted to hold onto it forever, to preserve his father’s image. But it was all destined to fade away.
Jason reached into the casket to hold his father’s hand and touch his forehead. The absence of life beneath his hands was noticeable. He leaned down and placed a kiss on his father’s cheek, the same way he had as a boy when his mother was still alive and his father would come home after a day’s work outside. “I love you. Say hello to Mother for me.” The words were so soft, Jason barely heard them himself. He straightened and looked at Demetri. “Thank you for all you’ve done. I know I’ve been no help.”
“No need, sir. It’s my duty, and Mr. Grimlock has shouldered most of the work.”
“You’ve been a credit to your master.”
“Thank you, sir.”
“You should go get some rest. We have a long day tomorrow.”
“Excuse me, sir, but I’d like the honor of being the one to keep vigil tonight. It should be someone close to him, and you need your rest to greet everyone at the viewing.”
[Measure of Devotion 01.0 - 03.0] Box Set Page 73