Kiss Kill

by Mawter, Jeni

  You’re such a dragon. So f*^#ing jealous. You’re vicious. What’s this ‘I Only Hurt You Cause I love You’ shit? You dike. Know what? You’re not f*^#ing worth it. The more I care, the more f*^#ing effort I put in, the worse it f*^#ing is. Thanks to you I’ve come up with Mat’s Theory of Relationship Destruction. As love and effort increase, the probability of destruction reaches 1.

  See? I’m over my f*^#ing love blindedness. I don’t bloody well care about you. You’re nothing but trash. I’m gonna walk away and not give a damn if I’m with you or not. Think of you as an ex-fuck buddy and that’s all. Call it f*^#ing survival.

  I can’t f*^#ing believe I let it come to this. I can’t believe I didn’t see it. How could I be so stupid? I could f*^#ing kill you right now. A prison sentence is heaps better than a f*^#ing life sentence with you. I HATE YOU. You f*^#ing devil-woman. Ice maiden! Think you’re such f*^#ing player. Being with you is like being with a f*^#ing raging inferno. You’re like some firestorm that keeps on growing. Can’t wait for burnout.

  Think you’re so f*^#ing good but you’re really so lame. Pathetic. A goddamn whore. But let me tell you. I know where you’re f*^#ing coming from. You act like you’re all hopeless so people will tell you how wonderful you are. Always saying ‘I’m ugly’ when all you’re doing is fishing for f*^#ing compliments. ‘I’m so fat. I’ve got cellulite.’ Grow up. Stop whingeing. Stop the backstabbing and the gossip. Get a life.

  You’re seriously wacko. A total bitch. F*^#ing cruel and nasty. Saying things with no f*^#ing thought to someone else’s feelings. But the slightest f*^#ing comment back, the slightest retaliation, and you’re mortally f*^#ing wounded. You dish it out in spades but you sure as hell can’t take it. Then you lash out like The Annihilator. Feels like I’m being disembowelled, disembowelled then decapitated. So f*^#ing vicious.

  You’re such a f*^#ing hypocrite. Worse than a fraud. At least a fraud admits they’re a f*^#ing fraud, that their deceit is intentional. You f*^#ing don’t. You admit nothing. Take no responsibility. Blame others. It’s always someone else’s fault!

  I can’t believe I let you f*^#ing do this to me. I can’t believe you’d want to do this to me. You’re some sort of megalomaniac. A f*^#ing female Hitler. Do you get off on fear? Or is it power? Such a f*^#ing lunatic. So full of it.

  I used to think you’d look back and feel sorry you f*^#ed up our relationship. Regret dumping all that bloody crap on me. How f*^#ing dumb was I? ‘Cause that would have meant saying we even had a relationship, and we had no such thing. We had no f*^#ing relationship. We had f*^#ing ‘My Way or the Highway’, that’s what we had. A load of shit-talking. ‘Do what I say. Say what I say. Live how I say.’ Elle’s f*^#ing philosophy of life. Some f*^#ing philosophy. Philosophy’s meant to help us work out our place in the world, how we fit in. But for you, there’s nothing to work out. You’re so f*^#ing perfect.

  I want to bloody shake you. To open your eyes to reality. But then I think I don’t f*^#ing have to. You know your own reality, don’t you? And that’s what f*^#ing scares you. It’s the reason behind the rage. Your f*^#ing smokescreen. To hide the true person. You hate that true person, don’t you, Elle? And you’ll do anything to hide her.

  I should f*^#ing well feel sorry for you. Maybe one day I f*^#ing will. But not today. Today I’m trying to sew my guts back in and reattach my head. There’ll be scars. Massive ones. But at least they’ll serve as a f*^#ing warning …

  Masochists Anonymous

  The Fellowship of Recovering Teenage Masochists

  Hello. My name is Mat and I am a recovering teenage masochist.

  The only requirement for membership to the Fellowship of Recovering Teenage Masochists is the desire to disentangle from a relationship and to raise your self-esteem and to stop setting yourself up for pain.

  For a long time you have been heavily emotionally invested in feelings of anger, fear, rejection and humiliation. Be emotionally honest with yourself. Ask yourself: What’s in it for me? Why don’t I let go? Why do I keep coming back for more (more of what)?

  The Twelve Steps of Recovering Teenage Masochists.

  1. I admit that I am powerless over the psycho bitch ‒ that my life has become unmanageable.

  2. I believe that a Power far greater than myself can hurtle me towards insanity. (Remember, the psycho bitch believes she is God.)

  3. I have made a decision to reclaim my will and put my life together and will no longer be influenced by She Who Thinks She is God.

  4. I have made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself and my relationship with She Who Thinks She is God and concluded I’m a really nice guy.

  5. I admit to myself the exact nature of my wrongs and realise my error lay in the malignant optimism of the abused.

  6. I am entirely ready to remove from my life She Who Thinks She is God and all defects in her character.

  7. I humbly ask myself to forgive myself for the delusional shortcoming that She Who Thinks She is God can change.

  8. I include myself in the list of people that She Who Thinks She is God has intentionally harmed.

  9. I apologise to myself for putting me in a position to be injured.

  10. I continue to search my heart and soul so that when I encounter another person who thinks they are God I will promptly admit it to myself and run.

  11. I pray that I retain this knowledge and have the will and the power to always carry this out.

  12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these Steps, I will try to carry this message to all other masochists caught up in this cycle of pain and to practise these principles in all my relationships.

  Pain can be physical or psychological. Physical pain includes hitting, slapping, punching, shoving, kicking, biting, hair-pulling or that inflicted by the use of a weapon. Psychological pain occurs when someone embarrasses you, puts you down, swears at you, controls or manipulates you, prevents you from seeing your family and friends, spreads rumours or gossip about you, or makes you feel bad about yourself.

  In conclusion, repeat out loud every time you make contact with a psycho bitch: “I have seen the enemy and it is me”. Repeat a thousand times if you have to.

  This site is sponsored by recovered teenage masochists who are no longer PB-magnets or under PB-attack.

  I Have Seen the Enemy

  Mr Amundsen has asked me to speak at this school meeting on bullying. Is he kidding?! He knows I’m in a war zone?! We compromise. I write the speech and Mr Amundsen delivers it from ‘Anonymous’.

  Mrs Constant, Teachers, Fellow Students

  I have been asked to speak to you today as part of Masterson High’s campaign to stop bullying. Why me, you might ask. It’s because I have seen the enemy … and it is me. No, I’m not confessing to the use of playground guerrilla tactics, I’m looking at bullying from another perspective. I speak to all those who feel that they have been bullied, to all those who feel they are being bullied now.

  The enemy is you. Not the bully. The enemy you need to fight lives in your own camp. Are you emotionally invested in the bullying? Do you feed off your feelings of fear and anger? Does it help justify the situation you’re in? By putting up with such pathological feelings you in effect emotionally invest in the pathology. Don’t do it. Your mental state is your best friend. Your mental condition is what will get you through.

  Now, I’m not denying how horrible it is to be abused. I know it can be a shocker of an experience. What I’m asking, is that you ask yourself ‘How emotionally honest are you?’ Ask yourself: Is there anything in this for me? Why don’t I walk away? Why do I keep coming back for more? This isn’t about intelligence. This isn’t about how cleverly you can justify your dreadful situation. This is about honesty. Finding your truth.

  Have you made a commitment to the bully’s way of thinking? And if so, why?

  Maybe you’ve been taught we should all love another, the turn the other cheek stuff. But how can you love another when it’s obvious you
don’t even love yourself? If you loved yourself you’d respect yourself and when you respect someone you don’t allow them to be treated like crap.

  You can search for a truth. A bully cannot. A bully is too busy denying the truth. The truth for them is terrifying. Instead of some tough person there’s a weedy nerd. Teachers and students, sometimes a bully can fool you, pretend to be searching for the truth. Say the right things. Say what they think you want to hear. Don’t be fooled. Actions speak louder than words. And not actions in public. Actions in private. I heard this quote:

  Conscience is what makes people act the same in the dark as they do in the light of day.

  Bullies don’t have a conscience. When they think no one is looking, when they think they’re in the dark, they put the boot in.

  To every one of you out there who feels they’ve been a victim of bullying, I’m sorry. But you don’t need sympathy, you need to take yourself out of the equation.

  Thank you.

  101 Uses for a Psycho Bitch

  1. Target practise for the army reserves

  2. Moon walker

  3. Incentive worker for a terrorist organisation

  4. Contestant for World Wide Wrestling

  5. Crowd control for a Wiggles concert

  6. Speaker at a Deaf and Blind Conference

  7. Night worker at a Narcolepsy Convention

  8. Author of Anger Management for Dummies

  9. Tourist attraction

  10. Recruiter for suicide missions

  11. Synchronised Swimming Coach for a boy’s football team

  12. Research subject for a study on ‘Alien Chromosome-ology’

  13. Tester of insect repellents

  14. Family Court Judge

  15. Sister for a psycho dick

  16. Crowd control at the Gates of Hell

  17. Spruiker for a Sex Metals concert

  18. English soccer supporter

  19. Sales person for a lie detector kit

  20. Tutor at Psychopath’s Charm School

  21. Director of ‘Bonfire of the Vanities’

  22. Rottweiler breeder

  23. Sales rep for Prozac

  24. Owner of Hire-a-Heckle business

  25. Human cannonball

  26. Pincushion

  27. Voodoo doll

  28. Lawn Bowls target

  29. Contestant on The Love Game

  30. Shark bait

  31. Shredding machine

  32. Coordinator for Narcissists Anonymous

  33. Editor of The Idiot’s Guide to Psychopaths

  34. Cuckoo clock.

  35. Brainwashing and mind control specialist

  36. Rattlesnake breeder

  37. Author of How to Torture Friends and Influence people

  38. Gallows fodder

  39. Boxer

  40. Idol to be worshipped

  41. Winner of the Sulking Competition

  42. Plays the role of She Who Must be Adored in a Harry Potter film.

  43. Count Dracula’s cousin

  44. Dictator

  45. Inventor of the ‘It’s All About Me’ slogan

  46. Politician

  47. Head of the ‘Faithful Followers and Mindless Morons’ Church

  48. Visitor greeter with ‘Abandon Hope all Ye Who Enter Here’

  49. Villain in a soap opera

  50. Emotional retard

  51. God impersonator

  52. Relationship counsellor

  53. Thespian

  54. Illusionist

  55. Shape-shifter

  56. Megalomaniac

  57. Window washer on a space shuttle

  58. Soapbox orator at a Hell’s Angels convention

  59. Workshop presenter on ‘How to Tell a Bare-Faced Lie’

  60. Manager of rock band ‘Control Freak’

  61. President of the ‘Save the Supervillain Society’

  62. Flight controller for a Mission Control Centre

  63. Bomb Retention Specialist

  64. Philanthropist for the Charity for the Preservation of Bullies

  65. Inventor of the Ultra-sensitive Men Detector

  66. Head of the ‘Vote for Slavery’ political party

  67. Queen bee

  68. Debater for the Barrister’s Against Bullying organisation

  69. Author of Putdowns for Perfect People

  70. Terrorist trainee

  71. Creator of the self help series ‘Transforming to Total Trust’

  72. Boyzilian waxer

  73. Propeller

  74. Protester at a Buddhist’s convention

  75. Microphone tester

  76. Bride for King Kong

  77. Alarm clock

  78. Puppeteer

  79. Evidence in a crime scene investigation

  80. Haemorrhoid cream

  81. Chef’s Mixmaster

  82. Prop for movie in the Aliens series

  83. Birth Control device (guaranteed to stop any chances of intercourse)

  84. Secret Weapon

  85. Guillotine sharpener

  86. Porn star

  87. Decoy

  88. Disco ball

  89. Peace protester

  90. Worker in a nut factory

  91. Chameleon (but will eventually show her true colours)

  92. Hammer thrower

  93. Corkscrew

  94. Punching bag

  95. Town Crier

  96. Road rage / phone rage / computer rage / desk rage / rail rage / bus line rage / Net rage / trolley rage / TV rage / school rage / empty jar rage / broken eyeliner rage / allergy rage / rager extraordinaire

  97. Search and Destroy Robot

  98. President of a Serial Killers Fan Club

  99. Mirror maker

  100. Dirty-trickster

  101. Gossip monger

  Letter from Elle …

  I know you think the worst of me. I know you think I’m really bad. Psycho, you called me. Evil Bitch. And you’re right. There’s things about me, bad things I’ve told no-one, not even myself. You want to know my secrets? Who I am? How do I explain who I am when I don’t even know myself? How can I tell you the worst parts of me when for so long I’ve hidden those things from myself? I am going to tell you these secrets. I am going to tell you everything. Maybe you’ll hate me. Maybe you’ll think I’m sick. Or maybe, just maybe, it’ll help you understand. So here goes …

  When I say I hate you, it’s not true. Sometimes I think it is, but it isn’t. Don’t worry, I’m not going to call, even though I crave to hear your voice. I won’t respond to your messages, even though I want to. I will not suck you in any more. I will be mad at you. I will want to hurt you, more than hurt you, destroy you, so that you go away. I will do this because I am afraid. I need you too much, so I have to drive you away. I need your constant attention, your smile, your warmth, and I will be totally indifferent. Any attention you give to others fires my jealousy, and I will rant at you for ignoring me. I want you close and want you out of my life all on the same day.

  I am the sweetheart sadist, getting off on your pain. But I avoid all pain myself. Everything you say, everything you do, every event, I’m looking for signs you’ll hurt me. Even if you tell me how much you care, two minutes later I’ll forget, rage at you for yet another misdemeanour. I know I am an inconsistent mess. There are two me’s. One who is happy and loving and one who is an emotional and needy wreck. I never know which one I’ll be. Every time I feel in control and secure, fear and doubt lure the other me back. I’d like to think I can change in the future. I cannot. The evil me always comes back.

  The evil me wants your constant attention, your conversation, even your thoughts. I am consumed with my need to be with you. The loving me knows this isn’t a relationship. This part wants you out of my life because it will be easier for you. The hateful part wants to cling on, to hurt you because it’s convinced you hurt me.

  I know this is hard to understand. But I don’t want you to give up.
Even if I’m mean to you, ignore you and turn away, think of it as hiding. The other me wants you to reach out, to show you care. Then I will push you away. I cannot ask you to put up with this but I will. This is not fair. I know if I cared enough for you I’d walk away, but I can’t. The most I can do is explain. I do not like being needy. I do not like being rude. I do not like the sarcastic me, the angry me, the cruel and taunting me. This is not easy to say. For my whole life I have ignored this part of me. Pretended it wasn’t me. That it was some fake crazy person with a false identity. An impostor. Not the real me. But it is me. Created to protect myself from the world. And with this realisation comes acceptance. I am not going to change. It is who I am. Perhaps you can make sense of me? Understand my defences?

  Perhaps you can accept me for what I am?

  But I don’t want your pity.

  Pity disgusts me.

  You disgust me.

  Final Note:

  I did not receive this letter. This letter is wishful thinking. It was written by me in my head. As much as I long for Elle to write this letter, she never can. It is beyond her.

  Finally, I can accept this.

  Finally, I can move on.

  Mat

  Term 4 Day 1

  I’m sitting in the canteen before school, flicking through this philosophy journal, thinking “What a ride!” So what have I learned? I’ve learned that observation does help in understanding. I’ve learnt it’s one thing to contemplate and question things, but at some point you must act. I’ve learnt the value of being a human being, and the non-value of some human beings.