False Perceptions

by Michelle Heard

For a moment, I can hear my brothers’ bantering fill the air around me.

  The sound of the front door opening, shatters the painful moment, yanking me back into the unbearable now.

  “Daddy!” Evie shrieks with excitement, but as I turn to look at her, the smile on her face quickly fades away. “Daddy,” she breathes as her eyes sweep over me. Shock registers on her face as fear creeps into her eyes.

  Rhett comes in behind her, and the second he sees me, he reaches for Evie’s shoulder. He’ll need to be the strong one now. I don’t have a slither of strength to offer them.

  I open my mouth to say something as Evie takes a cautious step toward me, but I can’t get the words out.

  Before Rhett can stop Evie, she darts forward. My daughter wraps her arms gently around me, holding me until my body gives in and I sink to my knees. She goes down with me, never loosening her grip on me.

  “I’m here,” she whispers as my shoulders start to jerk under the goddamn sorrow eating its way through what’s left of me.

  “I failed.” The words rumble up my throat from deep in my chest. It’s the truth. I failed my brothers.

  Evie brings her hands to my face, her fingers moving tentatively over the wounds as her eyes drink in every inch of me.

  Choking on grief, I whisper, “I’m sorry. I didn’t…” I shake my head and then force the ungodly words out, “Mike, Dave, and Axel didn’t make it. I failed my brothers.”

  Evie’s face contorts in pain. Tears spill silently over her cheeks, but she never takes her eyes away from me.

  “Max?” she whispers.

  “He’s nearby. He’s still in the hospital.”

  “Why didn’t anyone call me?” she asks. “I could’ve been there for you.”

  I shake my head again and dropping my eyes from hers, I admit, “I didn’t want you there. I didn’t want you to see me like that.”

  She nods, but I can see that my words hurt her.

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper again, not knowing what else to say.

  There is nothing else to say. There’s no way to describe moments like these. Losing your brothers isa loss so insurmountable which cannot be spoken in a few words. It can’t be diminished with tears or forgotten with time.

  In a world filled with pain words have no meaning. A devastating moment like this becomes a live tattoo embedded under your skin. It becomes the air you breathe. It makes all light blinding. Every dark shadow is filled with the soul-shattering silence of words that will never be spoken.

  The only safe place is in your memories where you can live one more moment with them even though it’s a borrowed moment from the past.

  “Daddy, you have nothing to be sorry for. I’m the one who’s sorry. Even though my heart is breaking, and I can’t believe they’re gone, I’m sorry because I’m so thankful that you made it back to me.”

  Her words rip through me with fresh claws of grief.

  I made it back without my brothers.

  I should’ve held onto Mike.

  I should’ve ran faster with Dave.

  I should’ve held out longer and gotten Axel deeper into the jungle.

  I should’ve ran faster and fought harder.

  I should’ve…

  CHAPTER 20

  EMILIE

  I’ve never done anything so impulsive in my entire life. I know people will think that I’m running away from what happened to me. I’m fine with that, and maybe they’re right, but right now running feels a whole lot better than dealing with the memories.

  After leaving Father’s, my first stop was at the apartment where I packed as fast as I could. I rented a U-Haul, loading it with as many of my belongings as possible. Whatever I couldn’t fit in my car and the trailer was left behind.

  I just drove through Virginia with no destination in mind. That’s until I stumbled across Moneta, a small mountain town.

  Actually, I got a flat right across from a property which was for sale.

  I called the nearest towing services, and after explaining that I had a flat tire, they said they would send out someone to tow me into town.

  While waiting, I walked around the property. All the open space, huge yard, and access to the lake was enough to convince me that it would be perfect for me.

  For the past few weeks, I’ve been living in a motel while getting all the paperwork for the sale sorted out. The seller has agreed to my paying occupational rent until the title deed is transferred to my name.

  Mrs. Walsh couldn’t manage the property on her own anymore, so I was in luck.

  It’s given me time to get to know the town. Moneta is small, convenient, and quiet. Not having many people around me is exactly what I’m looking for.

  I just want to be alone.

  Call it living in denial or whatever. It’s better than the alternative of sifting through the nightmare hidden in the darkest corner of my mind.

  I have zero faith in humanity. Except for my five Navy SEALs, I’ll never trust another human being again.

  “Welcome home,” I whisper as I walk toward the front door. Father is going to have my head when he finds out that I bought a property without consulting him first. That’s when he finds out which hopefully won’t be anytime soon.

  I unlock the door and stepping inside, I take a deep breath. The air smells of new beginnings.

  I leave the front door open and walk through to the kitchen, opening the back door so the cool breeze can flow through the house.

  Walking back to the car, I let my eyes drink in the beautiful sight around me. Everything is green. Where there are old trees all around the right side of the property, the left is acres of green grass stretching all the way to the lake.

  At the spur of the moment, I stop and kick off my sandals. I wiggle my toes in the grass, lifting my face to the sun.

  Emotion wells in my chest until my eyes start to burn, but I swallow the tears back.

  “Don’t think about it. It’s in your past. You’re a survivor. Survivors don’t cry, they celebrate.”

  I carry my bags into the house and leave them in the empty living room before I go back for the groceries I bought in town. I only got the necessities for now, and of course a bottle of wine, ice cream, and a pizza.

  It takes me all afternoon to unload everything. Tomorrow morning the furniture I purchased will be delivered. Tonight, I’ll be sleeping on the floor.

  I could’ve stayed at the motel one more night, but I don’t want to. I need to be in my own space now. Besides, sleeping on the floor for one night won’t be so bad. I’ll make a huge bed with all my blankets in the living room and have a little housewarming party on my own.

  I open the box marked kitchen stuff and grab a mug. Who cares about wine glasses. I pour some wine in the mug, grab the pizza box, and walk out the back door. Sitting on the bottom step, I place the mug next to me. Opening the box, I grab a slice of pizza and take a huge bite.

  I moan as the greasy goodness fills my mouth. Damn, now this is what I call living. With the sun setting over the lake, I eat two more slices before I go back inside to get some more wine.

  “Take the bottle,” I say, doing just that.

  Making myself at home on the step again, I sip on the wine as I think about my new home.

  “I hope you like this place,” I whisper to my men.

  Call me insane, but I find comfort in talking to the five Navy SEALs who rescued me, or at least, my memory of them.

  I still draw strength from them.

  Without my men, I wouldn’t have survived the past few weeks. They’ve become more than just my saviors. They’ve become a voice deep inside my heart, encouraging me to face each day.

  My men. I’ll forever think of them like that.

  I’ve just refilled my cup again when a shadow moves close by my feet. Shrieking, I jump up. The cup of wine sails into the night as a dog inches closer to the pizza box by my feet. He gives me the saddest look I’ve ever seen as he sniffs at the box.

  Slowly, I
crouch down, not wanting to scare him away. I lift the lid on the box and then inch back a few feet. Sitting flat on my butt I watch as the dog licks at a slice of pizza and then as quick as a flash, he grabs the slice, dragging his prize back into the shadows.

  I sit and watch as he keeps coming back until the box is empty.

  “Wait right there. I’m going to bring you some water,” I whisper.

  Not making any sudden movements I walk inside, grab the first bowl I can find and fill it to the brim. When I place the bowl next to the empty box, there’s no sign of the dog. As soon as I take a few steps back, he appears from the shadows again. I smile as a warm feeling settles in my chest for the first time in a long while.

  “You know, I could use the company if you’d like to stay. I’m willing to exchange food, water, and a warm bed for kisses and snuggles.”

  The dog tilts his head as if he’s considering my proposal.

  “Do we have a deal?”

  He barks once, his tail wagging with excitement.

  “Great,” I laugh. “I’ll go grab you a blanket. Until I’ve washed you, you aren’t allowed inside.”

  He barks again, and not caring about my rules, the dog follows me inside.

  CHAPTER 21

  EMILIE

  “How about Shadow?” I ask the dog, while I move the couch to the right spot, so it’s not too close to the fireplace.

  Looking over my shoulder, the dog is still laying in the same spot by the window.

  “I’ll take that as another no,” I grumble as I give the couch one more shove. “There we go,” I say, standing with my hands on my hips. “That looks nice doesn’t it, Scruffy?”

  He just watches me, looking bored out of his mind.

  “Okay, not Scruffy.” As I walk to the kitchen, I say, “You could help a little, you know. It’s your name we’re trying to decide on. I can’t just keep calling you dog.”

  I make myself a quick cup of coffee, savoring it while I try to decide what I should have for lunch. Not in the mood for something big, I grab a box of crackers and the jar of peanut butter. Not bothering with a plate, I dip a cracker into the jar. Popping it into my mouth, I glance down at the dog.

  “You want one?”

  His ears perk up in answer. I dip a cracker into the peanut butter for him and slowly hold it out to him, hoping he’ll take it from my hand.

  He first sniffs at it before he takes it, but then drops the damn thing to the floor. As I reach for a paper towel, he starts to lick up all the peanut butter, leaving the cracker in a slobbery mess at my feet.

  “So you like peanut butter?” I quickly wipe up the mess, and as I throw it in the trash, I ask, “What about Peanut?”

  He gives me a sharp bark which makes me laugh.

  “Okay then. Peanut it is.” Scooping a spoonful of peanut butter onto a spoon, I crouch down and let him lick it all up. Taking a chance, I rub behind his ear, and a feeling of acceptance wells up in me when Peanut doesn’t pull away.

  “I like you too, Peanut. Thanks for sticking around.”

  Getting all the necessities for my new home has taken a huge chunk out of my savings, but it was worth it.

  As I walk around the property, I make a list of things I need to do. Peanut follows me like a shadow, which I really don’t mind. I love his company.

  I’ll need to get a lawnmower. Correction, I’ll need something much bigger, or it will take me ages to mow all the grass.

  I reach the barn and pull the door open. It creeks, and I quickly make a note of getting some grease or oil. When I walk inside, I’m pleased to see how much space there is. I didn’t bother much with looking at it when I viewed the property. I was mainly focused on the house and the amazing view of the lake.

  Walking through the barn, I notice a door at the back. Pushing it open, I’m surprised when I come face to face with stairs. I take them up to a small balcony, and as I glance over my shoulder, I sigh at the beautiful view. It’s so peaceful out here.

  I try the door but it’s locked, so I quickly run back to the house for my set of keys. When I get back to the barn, and up the stairs, I’m out of breath.

  Peanut seems to love the exercise though.

  I try four keys before I find the right one, and opening the door, my eyes widen.

  “Holy crap, it’s a loft.” Walking inside, there’s an old table pushed into the one corner. The place is stuffy, and it’s clear no one has been up here in awhile.

  I’m sure I’ll find some use for it, but for now, I lock the door behind me. I continue on my stroll around the property noting that I want to get a bench for down by the lake. The house needs some work. A fresh coat of paint and the gutters need to be cleaned out.

  I’ll drive into town tomorrow to get everything I need so I can get to work.

  I just need to stay busy. That way I have no time to dwell on the past.

  When I get back to the house, I hear my cell ringing. By the time I get to it, the call has gone to voicemail. Checking the phone, I’m glad I missed the call. Father. I haven’t spoken to him since I left his house.

  Listening to the voicemail, I already know what to expect.

  “Emilie, this is your father. Stop sending me text messages and answer your goddamn phone when I call. I’m disappointed in you. Stop this madness and come home. You have an obligation to me, as your father, to keep.”

  I shake my head as I delete the voicemail, and bite back the smile, as I reply via text.

  Father, I prefer texting. I won’t be returning any time soon. I need this time to find myself, and I’m taking it. I’m sure you will understand. Love, your daughter.

  I always end the messages with your daughter, hoping he’ll get the message one of these days that I am his daughter. I’m not a chess piece he can move around in his life.

  I need time for myself. I need to get to know the real me I’ve kept buried for so long.

  The failed marriage and kidnapping have destroyed the person I used to be. It feels like she died, and in her place, a stranger was born.

  I need to find out who she is.

  CHAPTER 22

  HAYDEN

  Funeral.

  The word feels wrong. Inhumation. That’s what it means.

  Inhumation.

  Mike, Dave, and Axel have been dehumanized.

  The thought shreds through me, wreaking devastation in every cell of my body.

  My brothers who died for their country have been dehumanized.

  Made to be less.

  Made to be nothing.

  They’ve been deprived of personality and spirit.

  Nothing.

  It’s wrong, so fucking wrong.

  The word is wrong.

  The fact that they are covered in dirt is wrong.

  How am I supposed to accept that the bravest men I’ve ever known are gone?

  How am I supposed to process that these larger than life men have just stopped? Stopped being the axis my entire life was built on?

  How do I go on living in a world which no longer feels their warmth?

  “Daddy?” Evie whispers.

  I didn’t even notice when she walked into the room. I’ve been staring out the window at nothing.

  “I’ve made pasta. It’s your favorite.”

  As if I’m stuck in a trance, I shake my head.

  “You have to eat,” she whispers, and even though I hear the worry in her voice, I can’t make myself respond to her.

  I love my daughter, but she doesn’t understand. I know she suffered a huge loss as well, but it’s not the same.

  There’s only one person who understands.

  “I’m going to check on Max. Don’t wait up for me,” I say as I grab my keys.

  “Daddy,” she calls out before I can close the front door behind me. “I can’t make it better, but I’m here. I’m here, and I love you.”

  I grind my teeth, and for a moment I force the suffocating pain back so I can look at my daughter.

 
; “I love you too, Evie.” I start to close the door but stop. I already feel the pang of guilt before the words leave my mouth. “You should go stay with Rhett. I’ll be spending all my time with Max. He needs me.”

  I close the door before I can see the hurt in her eyes.

  A fresh layer of guilt forms over my heart, thickening the scab that’s already covered it.

  I’ve only had Evie for a year, and already I’m pushing her away. She’s been through so much, and I have to protect her from this thing I’m becoming. This empty shell.

  Rhett will take care of her. She needs to be with him.

  It’s one thing to be thankful for, that she has Rhett. They’ve known each other for nine years now. He saved her once, and right now he needs to save her again. From me.

  CHAPTER 23

  EMILIE

  “Everyone breaks at some point. There’s no shame in that. You might as well just give up.”

  The words slither through me every night, attacking every positive thought I cling to.

  “They’re just words,” I tell myself for the hundredth time as I drag myself from bed.

  The early morning hours are the worst. It’s as if the demons know that I’m at my weakest then. They taunt me with nightmares until I wake up to face the harsh reality that they aren’t just nightmares. They’re memories.

  Memories that were supposed to die with the woman I once was.

  A woman who was degraded one too many times.

  A woman who was broken down with verbal taunts and physical blows.

  A woman. Is that what I am?

  I wasn’t woman enough though. I couldn’t keep the interest of one pathetic man. I wasn’t good enough.

  I wasn’t enough.

  A woman.

  Not strong enough to protect myself. Too weak to keep those monsters from torturing me.

  A woman. Just a fucking woman!

  “I’ve got you now. You’re safe.”