All I Need: Hookers and Hand Grenades Book One

by Sammi Starlight

  I entered the small enclave and pulled her with me. I reached for her face, cupping it in my hands and almost moaned when my lips met hers. I wanted to be gentle but breathing in her scent and feeling her against me was too much for my control. I turned and pushed her hard against the wall, pinning her there with my body. I slide a thigh between her legs and assaulted her lips with mine.

  She was stunned at first but soon she was whimpering and melting against me, returning the kiss. Our teeth clashed and my moved down to cup her ass. I was ready to take her right there. I missed burying myself in that sweet pussy.

  She brought her hands up to my chest and gave me a hard shove, ending the kiss. “Get off of me you asshole!” She cried out, her chest heaving. She wiped her mouth off with the back of her hand.

  I stumbled back, almost losing my balance. Her eyes were wild and her cheeks flushed. “I’m sorry,” I said, not sure what else to say.

  “I haven’t seen you in three years, Cane. You can’t just pull me away and kiss me. I have a boyfriend,” she said, wiping a tear from her cheek.

  My heart ached at her pain. I had no right to do that. “I still love you, Lindsey,” I confessed.

  “No,” She stood up straight and shook her head. “You can’t do that. You cannot come back into my life and announce your love for me, Cane. I don’t give a fuck who you think you are. I’ve moved on with a nice guy that loves me and takes care of me. Most of all, he doesn’t hurt me every five minutes.”

  Her words were life a knife to my heart and I slumped down the wall until I was sitting on the floor. I buried my face in my hands. I didn’t deserve her. “I’m sorry for all the pain I caused you, Lindsey.” I looked up at her, my eyes wet with tears. “You deserve so much more.”

  “I have to go,” she said, wiping the tears from her cheek and pulling a mirror from her purse. “Please stay away from me,” she said while she checked her hair and make-up. She snapped it shut and looked down at me. “Take care of yourself, Cane.”

  And then she was gone.

  I don’t know how long I sat in that small room. All I could see was Lindsey’s hurt expression in front of me and it was like a punch in the gut to know I did that to her. I hated the idea of her with another man, but above all, I wanted her to be happy.

  “Cane! Are you back here?”

  I came out of my trance when I heard Diesel’s voice coming from the hallway. I managed to pick myself up and brush off my pants before stepping out where he could see me. “I’m right here,” I said softly, my voice thick with emotion.

  He came over to me. “Are you ok?”

  “Yeah,” I nodded. “But I’m going home.” He started to protest but I held up my hand. “I’ll be ok. I can’t be here anymore though.”

  “Lindsey?” He asked.

  I nodded. I didn’t want to say more. Eventually I would tell him what happened, but not tonight.

  “I ran into her a bit ago and she told me to find you. That’s all she would say,” he said as we walked back to the party.

  “You talked to her? What did she say?” I asked. Even when she was angry with me, she was still taking care of me. That was so like her.

  “Not much really,” he shook his head. “What happened between you two?”

  I scrubbed my face with my hand. “I don’t really want to talk about it right now. I will tell you everything soon, I just can’t now.”

  “Did you fight? Did you approach her? You know she has a boyfriend, right?” He stopped outside the entrance to the party. “I actually met him earlier and he seems really nice. I guess he’s a surgeon in Madison.”

  “She’s dating a doctor?” I said, my voice loud. That had to be her brother’s doing. It was probably one of his friends. I guess she really had moved on completely; she wasn’t even seeing musicians or anyone in the music business anymore.

  “Dude, you don’t have to yell,” he said, looking around. “Do you want me to come home with you? Tracy wouldn’t care.”

  I shook my head. “No, I need to be alone. I know you’re worried I’ll do something dumb, but I’ll be ok. I promise.” I motioned towards the crowd of people. “Stay here and kiss some ass to keep up in business.”

  He laughed. “Ok, but I’m calling you later and you better answer or I’ll hunt you down.”

  “Fine,” I agreed. “Say goodbye to Tracy for me. I’m going to slip out the side door here.”

  He reached out and shook my hand. “Call if you need me.”

  “I will, I promise.” I meant what I said. Diesel had done so much for me, I couldn’t let him down tonight. “Get back to your sexy wife before some asshole picks her up,” I teased.

  We parted ways and before I walked out the door, something compelled me to turn around one last time. I met Lindsey’s eyes right away. She looked sad, but she didn’t look away. Our gazes locked and we stood that way, like we were communicating with each other with only our eyes. I was sorry I hurt her and from the small smile on her face, she accepted the apology.

  I had to accept we were done. We had some fun and great sex, but it was over and there was no going back.

  The moment ended when a guy came up to her and put his arm around her. I assumed it was the boyfriend Diesel had told me about. He looked out of place here with his nerdy glasses, khakis, and button-down shirt. He probably didn’t even have any tattoos or piercings. After the pain I caused her, I couldn’t blame her for falling for someone that was the total opposite of me. I hoped he treated her well and made her happy. I had failed miserably in that department. She deserved better.

  32

  Lindsey

  “He did what?” Rebecca shrieked over the phone.

  After Cane kissed me, I was so upset. I couldn’t to Zach as he would know something was wrong and I didn’t want to lie to him. I searched the place for Rebecca but I found out from a mutual acquaintance she left the party minutes earlier with her latest boy toy. Figures.

  I ended up going to the bar and getting a shot to calm my nerves. As the warm liquid traveled through my body, I thought about Cane and the kiss. I put a hand to my mouth; my lips were still swollen from the force with which he ravaged them.

  I felt back because I missed that.

  Zach was a great lover but I missed the way Cane kissed me and made love to me like he needed me as much as the air to breath. Pushing him away from me took every ounce of control I had. If I hadn’t ended it when I did, we would have ended up having sex there in the little coat room.

  I had to do another shot before I was able to get back to Zach. On the way, I ran into Diesel. I told him he better find Cane because I wasn’t sure he was in a good place. He started to ask me more questions, but I wasn’t in the mood to explain. I hurried past him, working my way back to Zach.

  When I saw him sitting at the table talking to someone I stopped and watched him. He loved meeting new people and could talk to anyone about anything. He was so smart and sexy and kind. I was a very lucky girl to have him.

  He stopped talking when he saw me and gave me a crooked smile that made my heart skip a beat. He ended his conversation and came over to me. “Are you ok? I was about to send out a search warrant for you.” He put his hand on the small of my back and kissed my temple. His tenderness almost made me cry.

  “I ran into some people I knew,” I said, forcing back the tears. “Let’s go back up to the room.” I was over this party. I wanted to get lost in him for the night and go back home tomorrow.

  “Are you sure?” He asked, looking around. “We haven’t been here that long.”

  I waved him down and stood on my tiptoes. “I’m not wearing any underwear,” I whispered, hoping that would get his attention.

  “Well, why didn’t you say that earlier,” he said with a grin and took my hand. We made it back up to our room in record time and spent the night in each other’s arms.

  I was trying to erase the memory of Cane’s kiss from my mind, but I found myself thinking about his hands on m
e, his mouth kissing me, and his cock inside me. I was the worst girlfriend ever.

  The next morning, I tried to call Rebecca when he was out getting us some decent coffee but she never answered. Our flight back to Madison was mid-morning. Zach had wanted to stick around longer to sight-see, but due to some last-minute schedule changes at the hospital last week, we had to change our plans. After last night, I was glad we were getting the fuck out of LA.

  Our trip home was uneventful and he dropped me off at Dad’s. He had to go in that night already, so I probably wouldn’t see him for a couple of days. As soon as I got inside, I called Rebecca. She freaked out right away when I told her Cane kissed me at the party.

  “Did you tell Zach? Did they meet?” She asked, talking a mile a minute.

  “No, I didn’t tell Zach. We left the party after. I had to get out of there,” I said with a sigh as I sat down on the couch.

  “How did you manage that?”

  “I told him I wasn’t wearing any underwear and I wanted to be alone,” I said wryly.

  “Works every time,” she snorted and we both giggled. “Are you ok, Lindsey?”

  I bit my lip and fought back tears. “I don’t know honestly.” I brought my hands to my lips, thinking about the way Cane kissed me. “I thought I was over him until he kissed me.”

  “Why?” She asked.

  “It’s hard to explain. Zach is a great kisser and attentive lover. I have no complaints in the bedroom. Or out of the bedroom. But he doesn’t kiss me like Cane. With Cane, there’s such passion; it’s like he’s going to die if he can’t kiss me.”

  “I think I know what you mean. Doesn’t Zach want you to move in with him?”

  “Yes, and he wants an answer soon. Rebecca, my head is telling me to be with Zach – that he’s safe and I have no doubt I can live a happy life with him.”

  “But?” she asked when I paused.

  “I wonder if I’m settling. Then I think about how Cane hurt me and I wonder if a passion like we had could sustain itself for the rest of our lives.” I laid back on the couch in frustration. “I like Zach. I would even say I love him.”

  “Well, I hate what Cane has done to your life. You gave up your dream at Rolling Stone and you live in fucking Wisconsin. I miss my best friend in LA and I blame him for that. I let him know that whenever I see him too. On the other hand, Linds, I want you to be happy. I support whatever you do.”

  “Thanks,” I said. “I won’t see Zach for a few days because he’s busy at the hospital, but I have to figure this out by then.”

  “Good luck. Call me if you need me,” she replied.

  I hung up and headed into the kitchen where my dad was sitting at the table. “Hey, Dad,” I said and grabbed a soda out of the fridge.

  “How was LA?” He asked, not looking up from the newspaper he was reading.

  “Ok,” I replied with a sigh and sat down next to him. I grabbed a section sitting nearby and started reading.

  “Did you see that guy you used to date? What was his name again?”

  I looked up in surprise. Dad and I hadn’t really talked much about Cane and the break up. In fact, I didn’t talk to Dad about my personal life much at all. My focus has always been getting him better.

  “I did,” I said. “And his name is Cane.”

  “That’s right,” he said, nodding his head and turning the page of the newspaper. “It’s a shame you broke up. Your mother thought he was the love of your life.”

  I looked up at him. I opened my mouth to say something, but I wasn’t sure what. “She said that?” I finally managed to ask.

  He closed his paper. “Yes, she told me to watch out for you and that she was sad she wouldn’t be able to see you be with the love of your life.” His eyes filled with tears. “I’m sorry I wasn’t able to tell you that sooner.”

  I hopped up off of my chair and went to him, hugging him from behind. “It’s okay, Daddy. I know you had a hard time losing Mom.”

  He reached up and clasped the arms around his neck. “She wanted you to have what we had. She said she could tell by the way you talked about him that he was your one.”

  “But what about Zach?” I whispered.

  “Do you love him?” Dad asked. I removed my arms from around his neck and went back to sit down.

  “I do, but I don’t know if I’m in love with him.” I looked at my hands on the table in front of me. “I know that I could be very happy with him. He treats me well and loves me. I have no doubt he would give me a good life. He’s been pushing me to move in with him.”

  “But you’re hesitating? That should be a sign right there, Linds,” he said softly.

  He was right. If I wasn’t jumping at the idea of moving in with Zach, something wasn’t right. I was going to have to end it now before things went any further.

  “Do you miss LA?” He asked.

  I hesitated a minute. “I do, Dad. I didn’t realize how much until I went back,” I admitted.

  “You should go back. I’ll be okay here,” he said.

  My editor at Rolling Stone was constantly harassing me to come back. He gave me work, but there was only so much music reporting I could do from Madison. I could stay with Rebecca until I got another place. It was tempting.

  “I don’t know, Dad. Are you sure?” I asked. He was better; I could see that, but I didn’t want to go back to LA only for him to have a relapse.

  He leaned over and clasped my hand with his. “I’m sure. You’re too young to take care of me. You need to go live your dreams in LA.” He let go of my hands and leaned back in the chair. “And be with this Cane fellow you mother told me about.”

  Going back to LA I could do but I wasn’t so sure about being with Cane again. There was so much history and pain. “Cane and I have had a rough start. I’m not sure we’re really meant to be together.”

  “Nothing worth having is easy,” he said. “Your mom and I struggled in the beginning. Her parents hated me. They were from old money and I didn’t have any. We had to sneak around to be together. It wasn’t until I got your mother pregnant that they finally let us be together.”

  I always wondered about my parents’ early years. My grandma had made a few comments that made me think they didn’t always approve of my Dad, but this was all news to me, especially that Mom was pregnant with David before they got married.

  “Wow, Dad. I had no idea.”

  “Thankfully I had scholarships to college, but your Mom and I struggled for a long time. We fought and sometimes I wondered if we would make it. When the dust settled and I calmed down, I realized I couldn’t life without your mom. She was the very air I breathed.” A tear escaped, sliding down his cheek. “That’s why it’s so hard to be without her now.”

  I reached for this hand and squeezed it tight. I didn’t say anything, but he didn’t need me to. He was better but he still missed her like crazy and he probably always would. I wasn’t so sure you ever recover from a love like that.

  I got up and got him a tissue from the counter. He blew his nose and smiled at me. “That’s why you have to think long and hard about being with Zach or Cane. Maybe Cane isn’t it, but from what you’re telling me about Zach, he might not be either.”

  “Right.” I had some serious thinking to do. “I’m going to go shower and call Zach. We need to talk.”

  He stood up and wrapped his arms around me in a tight hug. “Good luck, Linds. Remember to follow your heart and you can’t go wrong.”

  “Thanks, Dad,” I said and kissed his cheek before going upstairs. I found my phone and sent Zach a quick text. He was supposed to get off of work soon, so I asked him if I could come over to talk.

  Sometimes I did my best thinking in the shower, so I turned the water on hot and got in. Dad was right; if I had to think about moving in with Zach, he probably wasn’t ‘the one’. After the other night, I knew Cane still loved me; did I owe it to myself to see if we could make things work?

  I was going to deal with one thing
at a time. First, I had to break up with Zach, then get back to LA. I would worry about Cane when I got there.

  I had a voicemail from Zach when I got out of the shower telling me to come over when I was ready. I put on some jeans and T-shirt, throwing my hair up into a messy bun. I was so nervous and felt like I was going to throw up all over. I let Dad know I was going over there and took off for his apartment.

  I parked the car and went to his door. I took a deep breath and was about to knock when he opened the door, greeting me with a big smile. He was wearing sweats and a Wisconsin Badger t-shirt, his hair still wet from his shower.

  “Hey, you,” he said before leaning in to kiss me.

  “Hey,” I replied after the kiss. We went inside and sat on the couch.

  “What’s up, Lindsey?” He asked. “Have you thought more about us living together?”

  I nodded slowly. God, this was so hard.

  “I did.” I looked down at my hands folded in my lap. “Zach,” I started, looking up at him. “You’re great and care a lot about you.”

  The smile disappeared from his face. “I had a feeling this was coming,” he mumbled.

  “What do you mean?” I asked.

  “Lindsey, the fact that you weren’t jumping to move in with me was a clue that you weren’t as into this relationship as I was.” He stood up and ran his hands through his damp hair. “Are you moving back to LA?” He asked.

  “Probably,” I admitted.

  “That’s why I was so nervous about you going to LA and why I wanted to go with you. I was worried you would miss that life and I wouldn’t be enough for you here. Rebecca pointed out Cane to me when you were off talking to someone and I could see him watching you all night. Did you talk to him?”

  I silently cursed Rebecca. Why didn’t she tell me Zach saw Cane? “I did,” I said softly. “He found me by the bathrooms.”

  Silence filled the tiny apartment. I didn’t know what to say and I didn’t think Zach wanted me to touch him right now.

  “What did he say?” He asked quietly. “He still loves you, doesn’t he?”