“You don’t. But it is the truth. I’ll tell you the truth about anything. Just ask me. I know you have questions and I want to earn your trust. Ask me anything and I’ll answer truthfully.”
“Are you sure you want to do this?”
“Yes.”
Shawna’s fingers stilled on the napkin. “Did you love her?”
“The way I felt about her paled in comparison to the way I felt about you.”
“Answer the question. Were you in love with her when you slept with me?”
“It’s a terrible thing to say, but no, I didn’t love her. I’d had my doubts before, but being with you made me realize that I didn’t love her. I’d gone to Chicago to make a decision about my life and my relationship with Holly, and you helped me make it.” He took a deep breath, as if bracing himself. “What else?”
“You said you broke up, but . . . did you ever sleep with her again?”
“Shawna . . .”
“You said I could ask you anything.”
“Anything but that.”
“Your response is my answer, but I want to hear you say it.”
His eyes looked steadily into hers. “Yes.”
She’d goaded him, yet now that he’d told her, the words tore at her insides. “Of course you did. You have quite the libido.”
“It’s not what you think. It only happened after I thought I’d never see you again, and I—”
“Thank goodness you didn’t get our names mixed up.”
“Shawna, listen to me.”
“After I saw you with her, I kept telling myself it was a nightmare.” She started to shake, could feel her control slipping away.
“Shawna.”
“I didn’t want to believe it had happened.”
“I was young and stupid. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to handle the situation with both of you there.”
“You never even called.”
“I should have, right away, but I didn’t know what to say, and I thought you hated me. I didn’t think you’d accept a call from me.”
“I waited.” The pain-filled words fell between them like a bomb, shutting down the back and forth. Her eyes dodged his. She hadn’t meant to admit that. It came out and she wished she could take it back.
He reached across the table, but she pulled back before he could touch her, placing both hands in her lap. She couldn’t stand it if he touched her. His touch wouldn’t offer comfort—it would simply cause more pain in her emotional state.
His fingers curled into a fist on the tabletop. “I went to the hotel as soon as I could, but you had already left.”
She looked across the table at him. “I never received a single message or a text from you.”
He shook his head. “I gave up too easily.” He leaned forward. “I’m sorry. I left The Haven Hotel and I wandered for a while. I couldn’t face Holly or my brother. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I’d screwed up everything. I never touched her in Chicago because that was our place. You and me. Holly and I argued, and I—”
“I’d rather not know the details, thank you.” She still couldn’t look at him. She had no right to feel envious. She had been the other woman, but for two nights he’d been hers, and the fact that he’d wound up back in Holly’s arms opened a fresh wound.
“You should have never approached me that day on the street and make—” She’d almost admitted it. She’d almost said aloud what she’d hardly been able to say even to herself: make me fall for you, make me need you.
“I know I shouldn’t have approached you, but to be honest, I didn’t expect things to move so fast. Once we had dinner, I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t not spend time with you. Can you understand that at all? Can you comprehend a little bit of what I felt?”
She could. She understood it well because she’d been driven by the same desire to be with him. She didn’t want to feel that way again because she didn’t know herself when she was with him. It scared her.
Time to go. She started putting on her sweater.
“What are you doing?” Ryan asked in an alarmed voice.
“I’m leaving. I did what you asked. I had dinner with you.”
“We haven’t finished talking.”
“There’s nothing else to say.”
“We have a lot of catching up to do. I have questions.”
“I won’t be answering them.”
“What about you? Don’t you have any more questions?”
She set her purse on her lap. “You answered the only one that I cared about.”
“Shawna, I never touched her until we were back in Oklahoma—until I tried and couldn’t reach you.”
“I don’t care. What’s done is done and we can’t go back. Okay? Let it go.”
He shook his head, his jaw hardening with resolve. “I can’t do that. I’m a different man than I was back then. You’re right, I should have never approached you. I should have never lied when you asked me if I had a girlfriend. I was selfish. I was an ass. But everything I did was because I knew you were special and I felt that we could have something special. For a couple of days, I was the happiest I’d ever been in my life.”
“I don’t want to hear this.”
“My life hasn’t been the same since the day I met you.”
Invisible fingers squeezed her heart tight. “Don’t.”
“When I saw you tonight, I realized nothing had changed. Give me another shot, Shawna. I’m not the same man.”
“I’m not the same foolish woman I was, either,” Shawna said.
“We had a connection and you can’t deny that.”
“You’re a liar, Ryan.”
He swallowed. “Yes, but not about my feelings for you. Six years we’ve been apart. I can’t let you walk out of my life again.”
“Watch me.”
“You have to forgive me. Please,” he added with desperation, his eyes pleading.
Shawna rose from her chair, and the waitress picked that moment to come by the table. “Is everything all right over here?” she asked, looking from one to the other.
“We’re fine,” Ryan replied, keeping his gaze pinned on Shawna. He rose from his chair, too.
“My life is perfect, okay? No drama, no problems. I like my life the way it is.”
“I’m not bringing any drama.”
“Leave me alone, Ryan.” At the hard note in her voice, the waitress eased away. “I never want to see you again. Stay away from me for good this time. Do you understand?”
She turned around and started walking away.
“Shawna, wait!”
She didn’t slow down. She didn’t turn. She kept on moving until she was safely out the door.
Chapter Twelve
Shawna pushed the key into her car’s ignition and turned it. Nothing happened.
“Oh, no,” she groaned. She tried repeatedly and then hit the steering wheel in frustration. Piece of junk car. It had been dependable when she bought it, but it was old now. She’d put off buying a new one, but she really needed a more dependable vehicle. If she didn’t hate car shopping so much, she would’ve done it already.
She popped the hood and went around to the front. She examined the interior of the car, not even knowing what to look for. Of all the rotten times for the car to break down on her, it had to happen now, while she was frustrated and upset after running into the one man who made her feel like an incoherent preteen.
She cursed loudly.
“Need some help?” a voice asked.
Her heart jumped violently. Leaning to the right so she could see around the hood, she saw the last person she wanted to see.
Ryan stood with his hip resting against the driver’s door, his face partially hidden by a shadow cast by the parking lot light.
“Not from you,” she replied.
That didn’t stop him, of course. “I can’t leave you out here to fend for yourself.” He walked to her and rested his hands on the car, leaning in to take a look at
the insides.
Shawna stepped away from him. “I’m a big girl. I’ll be fine.”
“Have you figured out what the problem is?”
“No, I’m not a mechanic.”
“So what are you doing under here?”
“I thought I’d—look, I don’t need your help, okay? I can call Triple A.”
“What’s it doing?”
Annoyed, Shawna quickly explained.
“It could be your battery,” Ryan said.
Shawna frowned. “I bought a new battery less than a month ago.”
“You could have gotten a bad one, or maybe it’s your alternator. That drains the battery.”
“Great.”
“Why don’t you call a tow truck to come get the car, and I’ll give you a ride home?”
Her head snapped up. “I don’t think so. I can easily call a taxi.”
“Or I could give you a ride.”
“I don’t want a ride from you.” Her voice grew firmer, making it clear she didn’t want anything from him and preferred that he walk away.
She couldn’t get rid of him that easily. “I won’t make a move on you if that’s what you’re worried about. You’ve made it more than clear you don’t want to have anything to do with me.”
She eyed him suspiciously. “You’re suddenly going to accept it?”
“Not accept it, but respect it. Let me help you.”
“Don’t do this, Ryan.”
“Do what?”
“Be nice to me.”
“Why?” His eyes mirrored the question. “I don’t know any other way to be with you, Shawna.”
His words tore a thin strip from her defenses. Staring off across the parking lot, she wrapped her arms around herself, pulling her sweater closer around her body.
“We can wait inside the restaurant or out here for the tow truck,” Ryan said. “It’ll probably be at least an hour. Once he gets here, you can decide if you want a lift home or not.”
She didn’t respond, her mind racing.
“I can’t do anything you don’t let me do,” he said into the silence.
Her stomach trembled. Therein lay the problem. Seeing Ryan had awakened a storm of emotion, and she was more afraid of herself than him. She gnawed the inside of her cheek while he patiently waited.
“Fine,” she said, heaving a sigh. “I’ll call a tow truck, and then . . . then we’ll see.”
No emotion displayed on his face. He simply nodded, and she retrieved her purse from the car to make the call.
They stood in silence in the parking lot as they waited, both of them leaning their backs against her car.
Finally Ryan spoke. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I didn’t want to hurt Holly either,” he said. “I couldn’t just spring it on her. She and I had history.”
“Is that the real reason, or were you worried about yourself?”
“A little bit of both.” He looked over at her, but Shawna continued to stare across the parking lot. It gradually emptied as diners left for the night. “I broke things off with her. She didn’t understand, and our families still wanted us together, which made it hard. She kept asking me questions, wanting to know if she’d done something wrong. One day, I admitted everything. And she forgave me.” His laugh was hollow again, like in the restaurant. “Forgave me,” he said quietly in disbelief. “That’s when we slept together again. Because she forgave me and I needed to get you out of my mind. But it wasn’t enough. When I finally ended it for good, she badmouthed me to all of our friends and family. She told everyone what I’d done, but I didn’t care as much as I thought I would. I still felt terrible, but nothing mattered because I’d lost you.” He sighed. “I swear, I never touched her again because she didn’t deserve to be treated like a substitute for you, to help me forget you. I know you don’t understand, but that’s what happened.”
“I do understand,” Shawna said quietly. She’d done something similar when she moved to Atlanta. She’d met someone and used him to try to forget Ryan. It didn’t work, and so she’d thrown herself into building her business. At least that had turned out to be successful.
She watched a couple exit the restaurant arm in arm and walk to a car before driving off.
“You still play pool?” Ryan asked in an effort to make conversation.
“On occasion, although I suck at it.”
“Yeah, you do,” he agreed, his voice sounding amused.
She swung her gaze around to him. “You’re not supposed to agree with me.”
He chuckled, the sound of his laughter way too attractive. “Why not? It’s the truth, and we both know it.”
Shawna straightened to her full height. “I did all right when we played those guys at the bar,” she pointed out. “We beat them and won some money.”
“Poor guys never stood a chance,” Ryan murmured. “You distracted them in that dress.”
That Saturday she’d purposely worn her white sundress dotted with images of red and green foliage on it. She liked the way the dress looked on her. It clipped around her neck, and the neckline dipped low on her breasts, showing off their fullness. The lightweight fabric skimmed her curves, and Ryan had spent the entire day with his hands lingering on some part of her body—her back, her shoulders, her bare arms. The halter top dress had been a distraction to him all day. He couldn’t keep his hands off her, and she had basked in the heat of his constant attention.
That night, they’d gone to play pool and the entire time they were in the pool room, he’d stood guard beside her like a sentry and stared down any man who dared look at her as she bent over the table to take her shots. At the end of the game, they collected their money and his fingers had curled around her wrist. Instead of walking out the front, he led her out a side door into an alley.
With a level of impatience she’d never seen any man exhibit before, he’d held her against the wall and growled in her ear that she’d been making him hard all day. They started slow and graduated to a passionate make-out session. His hands had roughly caressed her body, her fingers had tunneled into his hair, and their mouths had devoured each other with panting, hungry kisses. Soon, he’d been wedged between her thighs and had filled her, right there in the alley, with her knee hoisted above his waist.
The possibility of getting caught only heightened the level of eroticism. Even now, thinking back, she couldn’t believe she’d done such a thing. She’d been into it—with him all the way, partially worried that someone would see them, but knowing they wouldn’t stop even if they were caught.
No one had ever accused her of being spontaneous. She’d never uttered the words go with the flow. Yet with Ryan, none of it had mattered. She had been spontaneous. She had been uninhibited.
He, too, had seemed to learn something new about himself, because when they were done, he’d had a bewildered look on his face.
“Is something wrong?” she’d teased.
But he hadn’t been amused. He’d simply stared at her for a while. So long, in fact, that she began to fidget. “No,” he’d said. “Everything is finally right.”
The words had warmed her. An unfortunately short-lived sensation.
“I had so much fun that weekend,” Ryan said. “Felt like I didn’t have a care in the world.”
Shawna inhaled sharply and closed her eyes. Her heart started beating faster as she recalled the touch of his fingers, his breath on her neck.
Luckily, the flashing lights of the tow truck infiltrated her closed lids and the moment was lost. Beside her, Ryan shifted, and minutes later she gave the driver the address to her mechanic’s shop.
Ryan asked her what she wanted to do, and for the second time that night she hovered in indecision. She could accept the lift from Ryan, but at what cost?
Finally, she decided she could handle him. The ride to her house wouldn’t take long and then she could send him on his way and be done for the night.
“All I need is a lift, Ryan.”
“That’s all I
’m offering.”
Taking a much needed breath, Shawna followed Ryan across the parking lot to his blue pickup truck.
“Ready?” he asked after they put on their seat belts.
She pulled the bottom of her dress down to cover her legs as much as she could. No need to give him any ideas. Being inside the truck filled her with nervous energy. This heightened awareness of him signaled danger. She stayed close to the door so she couldn’t smell him or be tempted to touch.
“Yes,” she replied.
Chapter Thirteen
Neither of them said much as Ryan drove the truck toward Shawna’s home in Buckhead.
She sat with her arms crossed, staring out the side window, when the vehicle began to slow down. To her surprise, Ryan pulled into the parking lot of a Krispy Kreme doughnut shop.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m getting doughnuts.” He got in line behind two other vehicles.
“Is this really necessary?” she asked.
He looked calmly at her. “It won’t take long. This is something I do sometimes after I leave work late. Thanks to you, I’m helplessly drawn to the ‘Hot Now’ sign.” He looked anything but helpless.
The flashing red sign alerted passersby that the glazed doughnuts—the signature item—were hot and freshly made. Shawna stared at it since it was significantly less dangerous than looking at him.
Her stomach tightened as she remembered stopping at the store near Michigan Avenue and insisting he try one. They’d shamelessly gone through the box in the hotel room. When the last doughnut remained, they’d playfully fought over it. He’d been stronger and pinned her to the bed, but he offered to let her have it in exchange for a kiss. They’d then spent the next hour making love, the pastry completely forgotten.
Once Ryan placed the order and paid, he pulled out of the parking lot. Holding out the green and white box, he said, “You’re welcome to have one.”
Shawna could almost taste the sweet confection melting on her tongue. “No, thanks.”
“Come on. You know you want one. You have just as bad of a sweet tooth as I do.”
As if his cajoling tone wasn’t enough, he waved the box under her nose. She smiled despite herself.
The Blind Date Page 6