Suffer The Little Children

by Frances Reilly

  ‘I’ll be out in a minute,’ I shouted, jumping up and quickly returning the dressing gown to its hook. It was much lighter outside now. I smoothed down my hair and flushed the toilet.

  ‘Is that ye in there, Frances?’ Siobhan said.

  I unlocked the door and was relieved to see her standing outside.

  ‘Wait in the kitchen and I’ll be there in a minute,’ she said, stepping inside.

  I moved as quietly as I could through the living room into the kitchen. No one else was up, which suited me. I wasn’t ready to face the rest of the family yet. Careful not to make any noise, I sat on one of the chairs at the big kitchen table. I still felt very tired and fought to keep my eyes open and hold back my yawns. Lifting my arm onto the table, I used it as a pillow for my head, thinking that I would just rest for a few minutes until Siobhan came back. But by the time she returned, I was sound asleep.

  ‘Come on now, wake up, Frances,’ she said, gently shaking me.

  I rubbed my eyes and tried to focus.

  ‘Have ye had any sleep at all?’ she asked, but I was too tired to respond.

  She guided me into the living room and lay me on the couch. ‘I’ll get ye a cover and ye can lie here for a wee while.’

  A few minutes later she tucked a blanket tightly around me.

  When I woke up again, almost everyone was up. I heard voices in the kitchen – it sounded like Siobhan, Edward and Barry–and the younger boys were playing in the back bedroom. The gorgeous but unfamiliar smell of sizzling bacon wafted in from the kitchen. Silently raising my head, I surveyed the room. A fire had been lit, but thankfully I was alone. I snuggled back under the blanket, not wanting anyone to know I was awake yet. I definitely didn’t want to face Tom. I felt dirty, used and guilty after what had happened in the night. I was also fairly certain that it was my fault it had happened because I was a Reilly. How was I going to get through the day? I didn’t feel I could say anything to the family. It would be really embarrassing, and they probably wouldn’t believe me. They might even call the nuns, and then I’d be in big trouble. And, anyway, for the moment it was nice where I was. I felt cosy and warm all snuggled up under the blanket.

  It was almost lunchtime when I felt Siobhan shaking me again.

  ‘Wake up now, Frances, there’s some food for you in the kitchen.’

  She’d prepared a proper full Irish breakfast of potato bread, soda bread, eggs, beans, sausages and bacon, with a big mug of tea to wash it all down. There didn’t seem to be anyone else about. Siobhan explained that Edward was at work, Maggie had gone into town, and the others were working on the farm. I got tucked into my food, feeling sure that Siobhan must be the best cook ever.

  ‘Did you have a problem sleeping in a strange house?’ she asked, sitting down next to me.

  ‘Yes, I did.’

  I carried on eating, unable to look her in the eye. I felt my ears burning and huddled over my breakfast, hoping that my face hadn’t turned bright red – or that if it had, Siobhan wouldn’t be able to see it. She didn’t seem to notice and asked me what I’d like to do later.

  Suddenly, she came up with the idea that I could go into town with Tom.

  I smiled, struggling to hide my horror. ‘Couldn’t I stay here and help you?’ I said.

  But she insisted that I wouldn’t want to be hanging about the house all day and that I should get some fresh air and exercise, which would help me sleep better. I hated the idea. I didn’t ever want to see Tom again, but I couldn’t get out of it. Siobhan had decided. Instantly losing my appetite, I put my knife and fork down on the table. I sipped my tea, hoping that it would stop me throwing up.

  The back door opened, and Tom and Barry walked in, stopping to pull off their wellies.

  ‘So you’ve decided to get up, then, lazybones,’ said Tom in a jovial voice.

  Excusing myself from the table, I rushed to the bathroom and locked the door behind me. I felt awful. My stomach churned, beads of sweat broke out on my face, and very soon I threw up my breakfast. Siobhan knocked at the door asking if I was OK. I called out that I was fine and heard her walking back to the kitchen. I cleaned the splashes from around the toilet seat and tried to make myself look more presentable, brushing my teeth and hair and rinsing my face with cold water. I felt a little better now, but seeing Tom in the kitchen had filled me with disgust, and I couldn’t shake the feeling off. Someone tried the door.

  ‘Just finished!’ I shouted, flushing the toilet. I opened the door. Barry was outside.

  On my way back to the kitchen, I passed the living room and saw Tom through the doorway sitting in his chair by the fire, a mug of tea in one hand and his pipe in the other. I tried to walk past unnoticed, but he called out to me just as I reached the kitchen door. Reluctantly, I turned around, my head bowed. I peered at him from beneath my fringe, unable to bring myself to look at him directly.

  ‘Come and sit for a minute,’ he said, patting his lap. Feeling helpless, and very alone, I walked slowly towards him, despair and disgust coursing through my body. He leant forward and lifted me onto his knee. ‘So we’re going to town. If you’re a good girl, I’ll buy you something nice, what do you think you would like?’ He bounced me up and down on his lap.

  ‘I don’t know,’ I whispered, without meeting his eye.

  I was hoping that Siobhan would appear when I felt his hand rubbing up and down my leg. I froze. He paused for a second and then slid his hand up under my skirt, pushing up between my legs until his fingers were inside my knickers. He began touching and rubbing me. I wanted to scream out, but instead I sat there paralysed, unable to move a muscle.

  Barry came into the room, and Tom immediately removed his hand and relit his pipe as if nothing had happened. Barry switched on the television to see the news and weather. The younger boys came in from playing outside. Everything seemed happy and normal again.

  The whole family seemed to love and respect Tom. I found the courage to climb down off his knee and sit with the boys, who were planning to make a swing with some rope and an old tractor tyre. They’d picked out a good tree and were really excited about it. Jerome said that I could have a go when I got back from town. It sounded like great fun, and I couldn’t wait. Barry offered to help put it up after lunch.

  Before long, Tom and I set out along the narrow country roads to Moira. Tom held my hand as we kept to the grass verge on the side of the road, even though there was little traffic. I felt awkward and desperately wanted to pull away, but it was impossible. My childish hand was tiny, and he had a very strong grip. Being out in the countryside again should have been wonderful, but being with Tom dampened my spirits, and I felt unable to enjoy the experience. Neither of us said much as we walked along.

  The town was packed with shoppers. Everyone seemed to know Tom, and he stopped to talk to quite a few people. Once again I had to listen to him explaining that I was from Nazareth House Convent. Once again people looked down at me with sympathetic expressions on their faces. It was humiliating. A woman gave me a half-crown and a man gave me sixpence. Tom said that I could hold on to the money while we decided what I should buy.

  First we stopped off at the butcher’s shop. Tom obviously knew the butcher well, and they chatted for some time. As before, Tom began by telling him about me. Meanwhile I inspected the shop. I liked the look of the meat in the trays and the smell of sawdust, which was thickly layered on the floor. I noticed the butcher had given Tom some extra sausages, free with his order.

  ‘God bless ye,’ said Tom as we walked out.

  It was much the same story in every shop we went to. By now I’d stopped listening, instead focusing on the shops and the other shoppers. I was fascinated. This was my first glimpse of how normal people lived, and it was very different to my own reality. These people had so much more than I did, and I envied them that, but most of all I envied them their freedom. No one here was being forced to do anything they really didn’t want to do, and I wished I could be free like the childre
n around me, who were nicely dressed and asking their parents for things I could never dream of having. How well off they all were. It was hard not to be jealous.

  Finally, we came to a clothes shop. Tom added some money to the money I’d been given and I bought two pairs of white ankle socks, one to wear to Mass in the morning. They looked so much better than the socks I had on. Thrilled, I carried them all the way back to the farm.

  Back at the bungalow, Siobhan was in the kitchen with Maggie, who was sitting at the table, her face screwed up, giving me the dirtiest looks she could manage. I couldn’t understand what I’d done wrong. Tom sat down on one of the kitchen chairs and lifted me onto his knee, at which Maggie gave me her worst look yet and stormed out of the kitchen in a really foul mood. Shortly afterwards, Siobhan followed her out.

  I asked Tom if I could see the boys’ swing.

  ‘They’ll be in the field past the pigsties,’ he said, adding that he’d come along in a while to have a look himself.

  I jumped off his knee and ran out through the back door, past the barns and pigsties towards a tree in the next field, where I could just about make out the boys. It felt fantastic to be running because it was forbidden to run in the convent. For the first time in my life I felt as if I’d been set free. As I got closer to the tree, I saw a big tractor tyre swinging back and forth, with Sean sitting inside it.

  Sean hung onto the rim of the tyre, shouting at his dad to give him another push. Barry obliged as best he could but was soon out of breath. Excusing himself, he huffed and puffed his way back to the house for a drink. I watched him go, wondering if he’d make it, but the boys didn’t seem concerned. They were obviously used to seeing their dad like that, so I relaxed and turned my attention back to the swing.

  ‘Do ye wanna go?’ said Sean, jumping off. ‘We’ll push ye.’

  I inspected the swing. The rope looked strong and was securely attached to a thick branch of the tree. ‘OK, then.’

  The boys helped me up, and I grabbed hold of the tyre, then they gave me a push and I began to swing through the air in great swoops. It was scary at first, but once I’d got used to it, I couldn’t get enough, even though sometimes they pushed so hard that I thought I was going to smash into the tree trunk. Jerome said they weren’t doing it on purpose. It was just that I was so light and easy to push. I laughed and screamed as I sped through the air. It was the most exciting thing I’d ever done, and such fun. For the moment, at least, I wasn’t worried about the convent, Tom, my sisters or anything. I wished that life could be like this all the time.

  Eventually, I got down and sat on the grass to watch the boys have a go. Hearing voices behind me, I turned and saw Edward and Tom, who’d come to see the swing. In his collar and tie, Edward looked as though he’d arrived straight from work. He was impressed with the swing and offered to give anyone who wanted it a push after dinner. The boys replied with an immediate and very excited ‘Yes!’

  ‘Come on now, your dinner is just about ready,’ said Tom, steadying the rope and tyre.

  Edward smiled at me and held out his hand, which I willingly took. I chatted happily to him as we walked back to the house, telling him all about my trip into town, the shops, the people, the money and, most importantly, the socks, which I was very pleased with.

  Edward smiled down at me. ‘Uncle Tom is very fond of you. I’m glad you had a good day.’

  I dropped my gaze, suddenly silent and solemn. I really wanted to say how I felt about Tom but sensed it would mean that Edward and I would no longer be friends – and I didn’t want that to happen.

  ‘Are you OK? You’ve gone really quiet.’

  I nodded.

  When we got to the bungalow, the back door was open, and we went into the kitchen. I could see straight away that Siobhan had been busy. Her face was red, her apron ruffled and stained, and a wonderful smell filled the room. I felt instantly hungry and was delighted when she put my dinner on a tray and told me that I could have it on the couch with Edward. Edward carried my tray into the living room and then went back to fetch his own.

  I inspected the contents of my very full plate – potatoes, vegetables and homemade meat pie with loads of gravy. It looked and smelt delicious.

  ‘Don’t just look at it! Eat it up before it gets cold,’ Edward said, coming back into the room with his own dinner.

  Tom and Barry arrived, followed by Siobhan, who was carrying their trays. Tom turned on the television, and we watched a western while we ate.

  When he’d finished his meal, Edward announced that he was going to look over his flowerbeds.

  ‘Would you like to come with me, Frances? I’ll tell you the names of some of the flowers.’

  I had about as much experience of flowers as I did of animals, but I didn’t hesitate. ‘I’d love to!’

  The flowerbeds were blooming and didn’t look as though they needed any attention, but Edward checked through them carefully, ripping out a weed here and there. He showed me where the weeds were so that I could help. I was thrilled. I was already very fond of Edward, and it was exciting to be allowed to help with something that was obviously very important to him. But my euphoria ended the instant I encountered a worm. Screaming, I jumped backwards out of the flowerbed. Edward laughed when he realised what all the commotion was about. I hadn’t known until then that I hated – in fact positively detested – worms.

  ‘I’ll just watch from here,’ I said, feeling rather embarrassed.

  Edward carried on weeding, and I looked on from the relative safety of the path. I loved the colours and fragrances of the flowers and enjoyed listening to him talking about them. I thought that he must be really clever to know so much. By the time he’d finished, it was starting to get cold, and I was happy to go back inside. The others were still in the living room watching the western, and apart from gunshots and whoops, the house was quiet. Edward and I stayed in the kitchen. We’d missed most of the film, and he didn’t want to disturb the others with our chatter, so he made a pot of tea and cut us both a big piece of Siobhan’s homemade cake.

  ‘I wish my sisters were with me,’ I said. ‘They would love this cake.’

  ‘Maybe you could take some back for them.’

  I didn’t explain that the nuns would confiscate it and my sisters would never get to eat it.

  ‘No, that’s OK,’ I said, thinking how hard it would be to conceal. It wasn’t like I could put it down my shoe or in my dress; there would be nothing left but crumbs. The thought made me smile, and I took another bite.

  Siobhan came in and said that I should have a bath so that I was clean for Mass in the morning.

  ‘I’ll call you when I’ve run the water. Meanwhile you can find your nightdress,’ she said as she left the kitchen.

  Suddenly, I felt awful. Consumed by the horror of the previous night, all I could think about was bedtime and Tom. How, I wondered, could I avoid another night like that? In my desperation I blurted out, ‘Can I sleep at the bottom of your bed tonight, Edward, please?’

  He looked a bit surprised and explained that his was just a single bed and there wouldn’t be enough room for me, as he took up most of the space.

  ‘Uncle Tom doesn’t mind you sleeping in with him. He has a nice big bed. Anyway, you don’t want to hurt his feelings, do you? He might think you don’t like him any more.’

  My heart sank to the pit of my stomach, but I tried to force a smile.

  Siobhan called me, and I hurried off to find my nightie. In the bathroom, she helped me out of my clothes and lifted me into the water, which was warm and clear, nothing like the dark-brown convent water I was used to. This was the first bath I could remember having where the water hadn’t stung. Cupping it in my small hands, I poured it over my head, trying to wash away the horror of the night before. It helped, but only a little. Siobhan went away saying she’d come back to make sure I’d washed properly.

  I lay back in the water. It felt luxurious to be alone in a hot bath. I moved my feet to cr
eate small waves that washed over my body. Sliding further down, immersing my ears and my eyes, which were tightly shut, I began to relax as the warm water washed away the grime of a day on the farm.

  I didn’t hear Barry letting himself into the bathroom to use the toilet. Alone, so I thought, enjoying the privacy, enjoying the feel of warm water on my body, I was startled and distressed by the touch of a hand between my legs. I shot up into a sitting position, rubbing my eyes. I’d expected to see Tom and was shocked to see Barry’s huge belly above me, his braces hanging down the sides of his legs. His flies were undone, and his left hand was inside his trousers, moving about quite fast. I was horrified.

  ‘Shh!’ he whispered, rubbing me with rough chubby fingers. ‘There now, that’s a good wee girl.’

  As with Tom the previous night, I found myself powerless to react to what was happening. My small body stiffened and tears filled my eyes as Barry continued to touch me and rub himself.

  Someone tried the bathroom door. Panicked, Barry rushed to sort himself out, washing his hands and stuffing his shirt into his trousers. Within seconds he was flushing the toilet. He opened the bathroom door and found Siobhan waiting outside, holding a towel. Explaining that he hadn’t been able to wait for the toilet, he left as if nothing had happened.

  I was so relieved that he’d gone. I splashed water on my face to hide my tears, and again I wondered what I’d done wrong for all this to be happening to me. Now I was going to have to avoid Barry as well as Tom. Much as I hated the convent, it was obviously going to be very hard to come back to the farm if the nuns sent me here again.

  Siobhan helped me out of the bath and wrapped a towel around my body. I dried myself and slipped into my nightie as quickly as possible so that the younger boys could have their baths. We all had to be clean for Mass in the morning. Once I’d brushed my teeth and hair, Siobhan told me that I could go and watch television for a while. I asked if I could sleep on the couch, but she didn’t think it was a good idea and said that I wouldn’t get a good night’s sleep unless I was in a proper bed. So I went off to the living room, where Barry and Tom sat watching television.