Here to Stay

by Adriana Herrera

  My father just scoffed and took another gulp out of his drink. “He’s ungrateful is what he is.”

  I almost stood up then, my heart beating out of my chest, and I could feel the beads of sweat on my back. I knew what this was. I knew it was my old response to my father’s anger. Fear and the need to protect myself, my mother, and my sister from his hateful words.

  He never hit, my father. He didn’t need to—he could cut us all down to shreds without lifting a finger.

  He looked at me, and I could see he wanted me to lose my temper, to lunge at him so he could tell me how much like him I was. Not today.

  The tension in the room was palpable. Even Blue, who until now had seemed oblivious to the tension, started fussing. She was thrashing in her chair as Sofia tried to coax her to eat some of the food on her plate. When Sofia tried to give her a bite of chicken, she kicked hard, knocking a glass of soda off the table. The sound of shattering glass was like a gunshot. For a second we all sat there in silence and then my father stood up roaring.

  “We can’t even have a meal in peace in this house. I have to sit here and let my ‘children’ disrespect me and act like I’m supposed to be proud, of what?” He flung a hand in my direction. “Of this one acting like he’s better than me because he’s making a little money.” Then turned to my sister, who was picking up shards of glass while soothing Blue at the same time. I was about to go help her when he opened his mouth again, sneering. “Or should I have thrown a party for this one when she showed up at my door knocked up by a—”

  I didn’t let him finish. I lunged and backed him up against the wall, a cold rage filling me. “Say it. Open your mouth and say what you were going to say about your granddaughter.”

  Blue let out a wail as I stood there with my shoulder digging into my father’s chest. He gasped, short of breath, and I came back to myself. I stepped back, wiping my mouth, shaking from the adrenaline coursing through my veins. My father was looking at me and he seemed scared. Sofia just soothed Blue wide-eyed, probably shocked by my outburst. I looked around the room, my vision finally clearing, and I let out a horrified breath.

  “I have to go.”

  My mother just sat at the table, her hands trembling as she grabbed her glass. “That’s fine, baby. We can just have the cookies tomorrow. I’m feeling a little tired.”

  My father made a sound of disgust as he walked out of the room, and when he looked back at me his eyes were menacing. “I’m going to my room; you better not be here when I get back.”

  Sofia followed me out to the living room. “I’m just going to get Ma sorted out and I’ll be right behind you.”

  I looked at her, shame coating my insides like sludge. “I keep leaving you here.”

  She shook her head like I was talking nonsense. “Stop. You have my back always. And they’re my parents too.”

  “How did you get this strong?” I asked, as she literally cleaned up my father’s mess.

  She rolled her eyes and poked me in the chest as she grabbed more paper towel. “You, dummy. Who else? Now get out of here, before Billy makes it worse.”

  I went over to where my mother was staring blankly at the TV, kissed her forehead, grabbed my coat, and walked out.

  As soon as the air hit my face, I felt sane again, my head clearing. I walked out onto the sidewalk and ordered a Lyft to take me back to the hotel and looked at the time. It was only two. I’d been at my parents’ for less than an hour and I’d almost punched my father in the face.

  All that therapy, all those years trying to not let him push me like that. In the end, I’d given him what he wanted and had left my sister and my mother in there to fend for themselves, like I always did. My mother would never leave my father. I knew that, but my sister and Blue could get away from this. They could get some distance from this chaos.

  I needed to get her farther away from here, give her a chance to know what it was like to not have them a phone call away. Always needing her to do something for them. Always creating a crisis to lure her back. A thought of her and Blue going shopping at Sturm’s popped into my head. I imagined them in my apartment, sitting on the patio away from here. But she would never go for it. She wouldn’t leave them, not beyond the Tristate area, and so neither could I.

  Even if it meant giving up what I wanted most.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Julia

  What if I showed up at your door in nothing but a parka and a smile?

  I sent the text and sat with my stomach doing back flips. I was desperate to see Rocco. I’d been wanting to text him all day and had resisted, but now it was almost 5:00 p.m. and I figured he’d be done at his parents and up for a visit.

  I sat there waiting for a funny response like I usually got, but after seeing the three dots pop up on the screen and disappear, I started to fear something bad had happened.

  Finally a message appeared and it was not what I expected.

  Hey, muñeca. I might not be the best company tonight.

  I wanted to reach for him through the phone. I could sense the heaviness just from those few words. I was debating whether to call him or not when his number flashed on my screen.

  I took the call after the first ring.

  “Hey, sorry for the dramatic text.” His sigh sounded so weary. He was hurting. I could tell. “I’m just tired.”

  “That’s okay. Are you sure some company wouldn’t help?” I didn’t want to push him, but I also knew how much he craved physical connection, how he clung to me on the nights we spent together. “I have some of Pura and Yolanda’s food to sweeten the deal.”

  He chuckled at that. “I ate with Blue and Sofia here at the hotel and they just went back to my place.” Another exhale. “Things at my parents went—”

  He stopped there, but he didn’t have to say. I knew.

  “Are you just bad company, or do you want to be alone?”

  He sighed and this time it sounded like relief. “I don’t want to be alone.”

  “Then I’m coming over.”

  “Are you sure? I don’t want to put you in an awkward position with your parents.”

  “Fuck that. I’ll be there in thirty. I have the Lyft app open already. The thirst goes both ways here. Text me your room number.”

  He laughed then. “I will. Why don’t I set up a Lyft for you? It’s a long way.”

  I was already up and stuffing clothes into my overnight bag. “Rocco, you’re in Long Island City. It’s a twenty-minute drive.”

  “I’ll be waiting.” The relief and longing in his voice broke something in me. For how tough he was, sharp in business, hungry and ambitious, Rocco in some ways was still a lost boy, never sure if he was enough for people to stick around.

  As I walked out of my room and went downstairs, I found my parents watching TV in the living room. I knew they would not let me sneak out with an overnight bag without getting at least some kind of explanation. I went to put on my coat and UGGs, trying to think of what to say that wouldn’t prompt an interrogation. But before I could open my mouth, my mother got up, and on her way to the kitchen just said over her shoulder, “Tell Rocco we look forward to having him over tomorrow night.”

  I looked at my dad, and his knowing and sympathetic smile felt like a blessing.

  My parents weren’t perfect and there were years when my mother and I could barely be in the same room without blowing up at each other. But they loved me and my sister and did their best to let us be independent people. We knew they had our backs if we needed it. I opened the door, and before I stepped outside I called after my mom, “I will. See you in the morning.”

  I wasn’t sure where any of this would end up, but one thing was clear. This had stopped being just a fling.

  Rocco

  As soon as I heard the knock on the door, I felt the pieces of me that had been in disarray all day loc
k back into place. As I walked to let Julia in, I remembered something my therapist had told me: that I deserved someone who could be a resting place. I never understood that until now. Just the thought of having Julia in this room, in my space, filled me with an ease that no person had ever brought to my life.

  It was heady and addictive and I was starting to feel anxious about what it would be like to walk away from her.

  “Hey.” She was wearing her long black parka unzipped. Her usual yoga pant and oversized sweatshirt combo with boots. She looked perfect, flushed from the cold, and the only thing that made sense in that moment was to touch her. Hold her.

  I pulled her inside by the hand and as soon as the door was closed, moved in on her. Kissing her hard as we leaned against the door. She clung to me instantly, like she needed this as much as I did. I left weak from the relief I felt from having her here. I heard a thump and pulled away, then saw her bag by our feet.

  “Sorry, I shouldn’t have mauled you as soon as you walked in.”

  She shouldered off her jacket and toed off her shoes, as she looked at me, a small smile on her face. “I like that I get you a little out of control.”

  I kissed her again, this time just a small one. “You make me more than a little out of control.”

  She eyed my naked torso and the gym shorts I’d put on after my shower and shook her head. “I know the feeling.”

  I pushed in for another kiss, then took her coat and her bag and put it on the armchair by the window, while she walked farther into the room and sat on the edge of the king-size bed.

  “I should’ve checked on you earlier, mi cielo.”

  My gut flipped when I heard the endearment.

  My sky.

  I knew it was just an expression for a lover that probably didn’t mean anything, but my chest expanded at the idea that I could be that for her.

  Her sky.

  She was looking at me with concerned eyes, like she didn’t know where to start. But I didn’t want to talk about my fucked-up day or my father’s rage. I wanted to be okay in my own skin again. I wanted the feeling I got when it was just us. The way we fit so perfectly. I walked up to the bed, my eyes locked with hers. I knew she wanted to ask questions, to soothe, but right now all I wanted was her.

  Her eyes widened as realization hit her and she smiled, shaking her head.

  “Talk later, then?”

  I grunted as I held myself back, depriving myself of touching her for a second longer. I let myself feel how much I wanted her. How much her being here had shifted the bitterness of the last few hours and turned everything better, sweeter.

  Just her presence had done that because nothing else had changed. I was still hurting from my father’s words, ashamed of my own actions, angry by the awful things I knew he felt and almost said about my sister and Blue. None of that would ever go away, that would always be a source of pain, but Julia—she was here with me and that felt so fucking big.

  Julia del Mar... Julia of the Sea. Her name, from the first time I’d heard it, had captivated me. I stared at her as she moved, lifting her arms over her head, her brown eyes fixed on me. She felt too far where she was, perched on the edge of the bed. Her body beckoning to me.

  “Ven, mi cielo.”

  I went. How could I not? Her body was the only place I could make sense of this day.

  I got closer and she tightened her arms around my waist and I wrapped mine around her shoulders. She looked up and her lips brushed against my bare flesh, making me shudder. My cock hardening for her. I always wanted her. It never ever got any less consuming.

  “Hi.” Her voice was languid and crisp at the same time, and the puff of breath that came out when she spoke tickled my skin, making me shiver. We usually got right to it with sex, we were always so hungry for each other. Clothes coming off in seconds or fucking without bothering to undress. But now it was as though we were entering new territory, a place where we could not deny that we were long past “a fling” or a “parting gift.” She was here because I’d needed her tonight, and that was not something we could ignore much longer.

  I ran my hand over her cheek as she pulled back a little. “Hi.”

  Her eyes turned molten, hot with desire, as she ran a hand over my hardness.

  She ran a nail over the tip, which was coming out of my shorts, making me gasp, and I had to clench my fists to keep from taking it out and feeding it to her. “Can I have this?”

  “You can have anything you want from me.” I practically growled the words out.

  She scrunched her nose adorably and pushed a kiss to my chest, before answering. “Anything sounds like a lot. How about right now I focus on this.”

  “Okay,” I breathed out eagerly.

  She slowly pulled down the elastic band of my shorts and my erection sprung out, engorged and heavy, and in one swift movement she went down to her knees. I held my breath as she gripped me hard. She stroked me just like she knew drove me crazy, her fingers tightening around the base and lips around the head, the suction exactly right, just for a second, and pulled back. I groaned, feeling all the nerves in my body sizzle as she used her other hand to tug on my balls. Fuck.

  “Mmmm, that feels so good, baby.” My hips pushed forward as if my dick needed to make sure she knew he wanted in.

  She chuckled and then her tongue was lapping at my precome. The contact made my whole body seize. I squeezed my eyes shut trying hard not to come yet.

  When another shudder wracked through my body, she looked up. “Am I torturing you, papi?”

  I lifted a hand, placed it at the nape of her neck, and exhaled, trying to keep my shit together. “Not torture. My dick is just painfully aware of what your mouth can do to it. He’s a little impatient.”

  She let out a husky laugh and then, finally, when she was ready, took me in, grabbing my ass hard as she pulled me into her mouth. The pressure of the suction making me dizzy.

  “Oh, that’s good,” I gasped, feeling the little licks on the tip of my dick all the way down to my toes.

  She took me all the way down her throat, and I saw stars. Seeing my dick stretching her lips made me a little wild. I didn’t want to push in too hard, but fuck, I was so close.

  I was thrusting in hard and she was taking it all. She looked up and she tongued my slit and I thought for sure I was going to lose it. I thrust in a few times while she tugged on my balls the way she knew drove me crazy. I gritted my teeth at a particularly dizzying suck on the tip and grabbed the base of my dick.

  “Baby, I’m too close and I want in.” I held out a hand for her to help her up, and quickly helped her get on the bed, peeling her yoga pants off in one swift movement. I ran my hand up her thigh to her core, palming her heat, feeling how wet she was already.

  “You’re ready for me.” Her pupils were dilated and her breaths were coming in pants from those swollen lips. Reddened from taking my cock.

  “Rocco.” Just one word, but the want there, the urgency to be closer, to be locked together, matched my own need exactly.

  “Lift your arms, muñeca.” She did and I pulled her sweater off, leaving her in a lacy thing that let me see her hard brown nipples. I couldn’t resist. I bent down and sucked on one, then the other, flicking my tongue over them through the lace while I played with the hard nub between her legs. My cock still throbbing in my shorts.

  “Baby, that feels so good.” She was gasping out her words as I worried a nipple between my teeth and ran my hands over her body, touching and grabbing all that warm skin. Her heat warming me up. I lifted my head only long enough to pick her up and get her right on the edge of the bed. She leaned on her hands, her legs spread wide and her eyes burning. Fuck, the way she looked at me, like she knew everything I wanted in this world, she could give me. With only the lacy bra and thong on, that little bit of rosy pink fabric on her brown skin, she looked like a godd
ess, perfect. Her generous hips and round ass beckoning for my hands to grab, to touch.

  She sat there looking me up and down, licking her lips, stretching the last thread of my control to its limit. “You look hungry.” She liked to torture me like that, touching where I wanted to be. She spread herself with two fingers so I could see the brown and pink folds, glistening. I swallowed hard and, without a word, got on my knees.

  She put her hands on my shoulders and widened her legs, unashamed. I loved how she opened herself up to me. She let me worship her like this, and it was the sexiest thing on earth.

  I pushed my face to her belly. She was soft, but so strong, and her skin felt like silk against my lips. I wanted to tell her then that I loved her. That her presence, her body, felt like everything I needed to find peace, to feel whole. But I couldn’t. This was not what we’d agreed to and I was not going to complicate her plans by putting my neediness at the center of the only thing in my life that felt like a refuge.

  I pulled off the thong and pressed it to my nose.

  “I could come just from this.”

  I used my thumbs to open her up, found her engorged clit and lapped at it, grazing it with my fingers, and felt her shiver. I flicked the hard tip of my tongue on it, eliciting a long, tortured moan of pure pleasure while I ran the pads of my thumbs in that heat.

  “Mmm, papi I won’t be able to wait for much longer.”

  I looked up and her eyes were glassy. She looked flushed, her chest heaving up and down from the short breaths puffing out of her.

  “Let me see your tits. Pull them out and pinch them.”

  She moaned again, but did as I asked. She cupped one breast with each hand and pinched the nipples between her fingers. I watched her do it as I rubbed my thumb over her clit. I made a tight circle over it like I knew she loved, and then soothed it with my tongue.

  “I’m coming, Rocco.” She let out an agonized moan, making me redouble my efforts. “Don’t stop, do it hard, just like that with your fingers, baby.” I kept rubbing her with one hand as I kept her open with the other. At the last second I pressed two fingers in, which I knew would set her off. I felt her tighten on them and looked up to see her head fall back, mouth open on a silent scream, her hands fisted by her sides. I kept the pressure on her clit until she squeezed her thighs, sensitive after her orgasm.