Here to Stay

by Adriana Herrera

  I looked straight ahead, trying to process why they were telling me all this.

  My mother’s expression turned sad, and regretful. “I know I’m not perfect and I nagged you about things that were superficial and my own way of feeling justified for how I like to do things, but baby, we raised you to be your own woman. To own your dreams and chase them. He’s a good man, and just because Matt didn’t deserve you doesn’t mean Rocco will disappoint you.”

  My father sat forward so that he could look at me. “Rocco seems to be someone who puts everyone before himself. Maybe you can teach each other to make yourselves more of a priority.”

  I sat there in silence, digesting my parents’ advice and feeling a little out of sorts. I never thought they would be the ones encouraging me to go after a man and not my career.

  They were right, I was still letting Matt make my decisions for me, and he was no longer part of the equation. I turned my head from side to side to look at my parents, who seemed sad and happy for me at the same time, then exhaled and took each of their hands in one of mine.

  “I’ll think about it. There are just too many uncertainties right now. I’m not even sure if the funding for the foundation will be available after they go public. So, I may end up here regardless. There’s also the fact that I’m not sure Westchester is far enough for Rocco and his sister to really get some distance from their parents.” I sighed, exhausted and defeated. “I don’t want to put myself at the center of what he needs to do. We were never meant to be more than a temporary thing.” My mom rolled her eyes like now I was just being ridiculous.

  “Mami, I’m serious though. We’ve never talked about trying things long term, and it feels so complicated right now.” I cringed when I realized I just told my parents I was someone’s booty call.

  “Mija, have you thought maybe Rocco agreed to that because that’s all you were willing to give him?” My dad spoke in the low, sure voice that always managed to soothe my nerves no matter what the situation. If my dad said it, I believed it. “Maybe he’s afraid to ask for more too.”

  I was about to protest when my mother shut it down.

  “That man looks at you like you’re the answer to every question he’s ever had. Trust that you can be that to someone.”

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Rocco

  “Hey, muñeca,” I said, smiling into my phone while I walked into my office at 7:00 a.m. “I thought you were going to sleep in. Between the flight and me keeping you up after you got to my place...” My face heated, thinking about what we’d done when Julia came over straight from the airport last night.

  I expected her to laugh, but when I only heard choppy breathing, I started to worry.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Vicki finally went too far.” Her voice was shaky, and I sat down dreading what she would say. She’d been complaining about the clinical director for the program for weeks. I’d been low-key worried she’d end up doing something that would give Phil and Duke the excuse they needed to convince the board Julia’s programs were more trouble than they were worth.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I think she got one of the clients deported, Rocco!” The terror in her voice was real and she sounded close to tears. I dropped my ass into my desk chair, not sure what to say next.

  “Deported? How?”

  She exhaled loudly and I could picture her sitting on my bed, her mouth pursed, and shoulders tense. Unhappy. Scared.

  “Apparently she had one of the kids and his mom over for Christmas dinner, against all of our fucking policies, and when she couldn’t find some old earrings of hers the next day, she assumed they took them and called the police.” Her voice broke. “Mom isn’t documented.”

  I squeezed my eyes shut as dread settled in my stomach. If Phil and Duke found out about this, they would almost certainly use it as proof that funding these programs was going to hurt Sturm’s image.

  “Fuck. How did you find out? When did it happen?”

  Another sigh from Julia, her voice hard when she spoke again. “Seems like Vicki’s son called Gail to tell her. He felt bad because he had taken the earrings to give them to his girlfriend for Christmas. From the looks of it, he and Vicki don’t have the best relationship. She wasn’t planning on letting anyone know what she’d done.” She scoffed, her voice full of disgust. Phil and Duke would have a fucking field day with this. “It’s not like we wouldn’t notice when Antonio stopped coming to the program after school started. Melida, the mom, was one of our most supportive parents. Never missed a meeting.” She was openly crying now and I was in a full panic.

  “I’m so sorry, baby. Are you going to the office, then?”

  I heard rustling like she was moving around the room. “Yeah, I have to go home and get myself together, then I’m going to meet with Gail. She said she wants to talk about next steps with the immigration attorney we work with.” She stopped talking then, and the pause was heavy enough for me to know what she was about to say. “If you hear anything tell me, okay? This is not going to look good when they consider the funding for next year, or shutting us down for good.”

  I was about to remind her I could not do that when she clicked her tongue. “Shit, that’s really inappropriate, isn’t it?” I closed my eyes once again. I’d known it from the moment I laid eyes on Julia that we’d end up here. I gripped the edge of the desk, just to stave off the panic already bubbling up in my chest.

  “I’ll see what I can do, but I can’t promise anything.”

  Duke and Phil might get their wish after all.

  And like the harbinger to all my fears when I opened my eyes again, I noticed a note on my monitor signed by Phil.

  Come see me when you get in!

  Fuck.

  I tried to get back to my conversation with Julia, and realized she hadn’t said a word and was just sniffling on the other end of the call. “It’s all right, babe. If I hear anything that I can share with you, I’ll let you know. I’m sure it’ll work out. You’re doing very good work and the board knows it.” I was sure neither of us believed that was true.

  “Okay, thanks. I’ll see you tonight?”

  I sighed internally wondering what shit show was in store for me today. I cringed thinking about the call I was scheduled to have with my boss in the afternoon. I could already hear him telling me my entire future with Davidson’s depended on whether I delivered on this project. I had a few more weeks and I was still not even sure what the fuck I was going to do about Julia, about Sofia. It seemed like everyone I loved was depending on me to do the right thing and I was going to fail them all.

  Like I always did.

  “Rocco?”

  I snapped back to attention at the sound of Julia’s voice. “Yes. Tonight, I’ll come by your place after I finish here. Let me know if anything happens.”

  “Okay, I hope Gail is not asking me to meet her so she can tell me I’m out of a job.”

  I clicked my tongue at that. “Julia, there’s no way they’ll shut down the program like that. There are too many families depending on your services.”

  “I hope you’re right.”

  “I know I am.”

  We stayed on the phone and with each second I felt like there was something important that she wasn’t saying. And just when I was about to ask if there was something else she needed to say, she blurted it out. “I love you, Rocco.”

  It was like a punch to the gut. She said those words like they were the truest thing in the world. Like she trusted I would take care of what she was offering me. Like I could hold something so precious.

  I was a fucking coward. I didn’t deserve her love or her trust, when I knew in my gut that when the time came, when it was up to me to speak up for her program, I would save my own ass.

  “I’ll see you tonight.”

  She inhaled sharply, li
ke the blow of my words had winded her.

  I ended the call, hating myself, and because I couldn’t catch a fucking break, just as I was about to start mentally preparing to go and talk to Phil, I heard a knock on my office door.

  “Hey, did you see my note?” It was impressive how Phil could speak in a completely cordial tone and still sound menacing. I looked up and noticed his usual sneer was actually a real smile today, and that more than anything really scared me.

  I stood up to shake his hand, but he waved me off. He quietly shut my office door before sitting on one of the chairs facing my desk. His legs widespread. He was one of those guys who needed to put his junk right in your range of vision.

  “I did see your note. I was just about to walk to your office. What’s up?”

  The shark smile he flashed me with when I asked sent a frisson of dread down my spine.

  He sat up straight, rubbing his palms together. “It looks like we may finally have something to turn the board off of this insane charity scheme.”

  “Oh,” I said, as I squeezed and flexed my fingers under my desk, trying to shake some of the tension I was feeling.

  “I heard from Vicki today, the ‘clinical director.’” He made the air quotes as if the title and the job were some bogus shit. “Apparently she got one of the illegals arrested by accident.” He guffawed at this, his head thrown back, while I tried to focus on my breathing, so I didn’t lunge at him. I paid attention to the tightness in my back and shoulders and made myself relax, because I was really fucking close to losing my cool.

  “I’m sorry, I’m not sure I follow.”

  He grinned again, and I knew he was aware I found none of this even slightly amusing. Something about the way he was looking at me made me wonder if he knew about Julia and me.

  “Well, Vicki had one of the families over to her house for Christmas for some fucking reason, and it sounds like they stole some jewelry and she called the police on them. Gail sent an email to HR this morning, and they called me to let me know.”

  “They called you?” I was not surprised that this jerk was already twisting the truth, but I did not get why Phil was privy to any of this. This was not exactly the type of thing that Sturm’s CFO needed to be involved in.

  He lifted a shoulder then, his smile so wide I could see his molars. “I asked the contracts manager who handles all our charity stuff to keep me abreast of anything concerning.”

  He leaned in then, his eyes glinting. “And what could be more concerning than a program that’s supposed to be helping the illegals getting them deported by mistake.” He threw his head back again, literally gasping for air from laughing so hard. “This is truly a Christmas miracle.”

  I sat there stunned as he talked. How could people be like this? He was practically jumping for joy that a mother had been taken from her children.

  “I’m calling to move up the board meeting to first thing tomorrow. I already checked. Everyone was already expecting to meet so we’re good to go.” He looked over his shoulder at the closed door. “I want to drop this bomb on them before the twins have time to spin this into another sob story. The bottom line is that these people are using our funds poorly and embarrassing themselves and us by association in the process.”

  That was some world-class spin he was doing. As he talked, all I could think was that no matter how this turned out, people would get hurt, because Phil could not bear the idea of his executive bonus going to help immigrant families. I felt disgusted with him, with myself, and with all of us who routinely made decisions that hurt vulnerable people, with the excuse that it was all to serve a profit line.

  “Do you need me to prepare anything in addition to my planned presentation for this meeting?” I braced myself for his answer.

  His expression changed and I dreaded whatever poorly veiled threats disguised as instructions were about to come out of his mouth. “You need to come in there with those IPO numbers. They need to hear why we need to drop this nonsense and that now is the time to go into the stock market. This is the era of the billionaires.” His voice boomed as he spoke, his expression fervent. “Our brand is literally built on catering to the point one percent, and we cannot slow our momentum over this nonsense. You’re our expert. Give them the facts.” My back molars clamped together as his voice resonated in my office. Facts, as long as they were the ones that he agreed with.

  He angled his head then, and pointed a finger in my direction. “The Twins have been talking you up to the board for months now. They won’t be able to take it back when you give your recommendation.”

  In that moment I could hear Mitzy’s words from one of the promotional videos I’d watched in the last couple of months: “My grandfather started Sturm’s with a mission. Cater to the rich, so he could help those who needed it. The values of this company have always been centered on philanthropy and social justice. From day one.”

  Phil stood up then and shoved his hands into his pockets. “We’re counting on you.”

  Duke’s bitterness drove him to put Phil in as a puppet to fuck with the family’s legacy and as a way to push his sisters out. And now, I would be the pawn who would finally set all of that in motion.

  * * *

  I left the office feeling like my hours were numbered. The meeting with the board was set for the next day at 8:00 a.m. and I was supposed to go up there and convince the board to pick profits over people. I would stand up and tell the board that investors liked lean companies. That there were places where they could make cuts. That some of the foundation programs could be reduced. The twins had been subdued when they stopped by my office. Mitzy, as always, was frank and direct when she spoke to me.

  She’d told me, “We know you came here to do a job, and we’re not going to put you in a position where you feel like you need to do or say anything on our behalf. We know you’ll do what’s right for Sturm’s.”

  By the time they left my office, I felt like my spine was made of ice. I didn’t want to disappoint them; they’d been so good to me. But I had to think about my future at Davidson’s. If I fucked this up, I could kiss that promotion goodbye. Even without the plans for the move to Westchester, Blue and Sofia were depending on me. Fuck, even my parents depended on me for some things.

  I could not afford to lose my job, which was why I’d told the twins I would give the report that the board had asked for, and that report was to move forward with the IPO. Then there was Julia. Just thinking about how disappointed she would be in me after this made me feel dead inside.

  I hadn’t heard from her much more for the rest of the day, other than a few texts letting me know she and Gail were trying to contact the foster family who took the children after mom was detained and were talking with lawyers to see what could be done for her. My recommendation tomorrow would most likely leave her jobless and, worse, those kids she loved so much hanging. She’d hate me for it. I’d hate me for it.

  As I drove to Julia’s place, I tried to breathe through the pounding in my chest. When I parked my car into a spot behind her building, my phone rang, and I saw Sofia’s number. We weren’t scheduled to talk for a few days, so I took the call right away, hoping it wasn’t an emergency.

  “Hey, sis.”

  “They almost took Blue today.” Her voice was more panicked than I’d ever heard and she was obviously crying. “She was with Ma while I was at work, and she walked out of the house and was roaming around the neighborhood when someone found her and called the police. Apparently Billy was sent home from a job for acting like an asshole. So she had a drink to appease him and forgot she’d taken her meds. She nodded off somehow while he was sleeping it off upstairs and Blue was on her own.”

  I felt the anger, the rage, of again hearing about one more time my mother could not be bothered to choose anyone over my father. I was also frustrated with Sofia. I’d known that her plan to only leave the baby when Billy was o
ut of the house was not foolproof. My father always found a way to fuck things up. But saying that right now would only make things worse. Again the thought that moving ten miles away would not be enough distance flooded my mind.

  “Is she okay, is Blue all right?”

  Sofia shuddered before speaking, and I could tell she was working hard not to start sobbing again. “She’s okay. Thank God someone saw her before she actually walked into the street. She had the iPad you got her for Christmas with her, so she was distracted. She could’ve just walked into traffic and gotten hit by a car, Rocco.” Her voice was shaking, and I felt myself get more worked up with every word. “The lady who found her called the police and they called CPS, not that I blame them. I should’ve listened to you, but I always feel so guilty for not letting Mom see the baby.” She was openly crying again, the fear clear in her voice.

  “Dammit.” I wanted to tell her we should just leave our parents and their problems in New York. That we needed some peace. That we didn’t owe them anything. But instead, I let her talk, knowing this would just add to all the shitty decisions I would need to make in the next few hours.

  “They interviewed me for so long. They left Blue with me since I only let Ma watch her for a few hours a week and we don’t live there. But they are opening an investigation; they’re coming to our apartment tomorrow for a home visit. They called the advocate that Julia hooked me up with and she talked to them. They’ll call you too, to ask about me and if I’m a good mom.” Her voice gave out then, and it was all I could do not to catch a plane back to New York just so I could beat the shit out of my father. “I was so scared, Rocco. I thought they were going to take my baby.”

  “It’s all right, sweetheart. We’ll figure this out. No one’s taking Blue from you.”

  Sofia had worked her ass off the last few years to get herself and Blue to a good place. The one thing still keeping her on the ledge of losing her safety and her child was my parents. They were like a fucking anvil, keeping both of us shackled to their toxic drama. I had to get Sofia and Blue away from them. They were perfectly capable of doing something to get Blue taken from Sofia and then tell her it was her own fault.