It's All Coming Back To Me

by Michelle Marra

  “It’s been a while,” I say as I stroke her hair. She is curled up against me, her head resting on my chest. She’s been laying there quietly for the last twenty minutes since she reminded me again how magical my mouth truly was.

  She clears her throat, “What has?”

  “Since I’ve been able to enjoy devouring a woman.” Really it hasn’t since I’ve devoured Lily, but it didn’t compare to what I just finished doing to Sam. And I guess I clammed up because I don’t want to say what was just on the tip of my tongue. ‘It’s been a while since I’ve tasted you.’ Yes, it certainly has…but what would be the follow-up response? Her begging me for another chance? Tell me how amazing we are together. I can say we are amazing in bed together, but I won’t go any further. This is what it is…just sex.

  “Hmm.”

  I know there something behind that little ‘hmm,’ and I know this because I know Sam. That was always her opening to a hard question, one that she was reluctant to ask. I don’t say anything, because I really didn’t want her posing a question right now…especially the ‘what does this mean’ question. But I know it’s coming because now she is taping her fingers in cadence on my belly.

  “Um…” she pauses.

  I roll my eyes and inwardly sigh, oh no…here it comes.

  “What is this to you?”

  She doesn’t look at me after the question is asked…I think because she knows the answer. I don’t answer right away, I continue stroking her hair. It’s so soft and beautiful, and I know as soon as I give her my answer the spell will be broken.

  “It was sex…albeit amazing sex, but just sex.”

  “So that didn’t bring back any memories for you?”

  My eyes close and I inwardly sigh. Dammit. The spell is broken. Back to reality, and now I’m kicking myself that I went there again. I know what she wants me to say, but she certainly isn’t going to get it from me.

  “Yes, of course, it did,” I say with a slight annoyance in my tone. “It brought back memories of our sex life.”

  “And that’s it?”

  “Sam, stop being so passive-aggressive and just say what it is you want to say.”

  She rolls to her side, her head resting on an upturned hand. And now she is looking at me with laser focus. Those eyes are drilling into me, making me feel like a douche.

  Her hand reaches for my face, gently caressing my cheek. Her eyes begin to glisten. I want to turn away. I always hated to see her cry, it was just so pathetically sad. The whites of her eyes would become red making the blue stand out more.

  “Laurel…I love you. I want you back.” Her voice wavers and cracks.

  I take a deep breath, “Just like that…you want me back?”

  She nods her head as a tear rolls down her cheek.

  I shake my head, “Sam. You just don’t get to get me back.”

  “Why not?”

  I see a pained expression form on her face, and it actually feels like a kick in the gut. I think to myself how ridiculous it is that I should feel sorry for hurting her when she crushed me with such ease. And then I think, who the fuck does she think she is? I’m not so desperate because I’m in that chair. I take a deep breath and let it out in a slow sigh.

  “Sam, I don’t love you.” The testament brings the flow of tears almost instantly, and it causes me to look away. “I can’t go there with you again.”

  “Can’t or won’t?”

  “Both, either…I can’t, and I won’t go there with you again. I’m sorry.”

  “It’s been over eight years, why can’t you forgive me?” She sits up and crosses her arms over her bare chest.

  I pull myself into a seated position and grab a pillow to cover my nakedness because what I’m about to say isn’t going to sit well, and I really don’t want to lay here naked.

  “Sam, look…yeah, sure I forgave you. It wasn’t easy, but I did. However, that doesn’t mean I forgot. I’ll never forget the heartache or the pain I went through to get over you. It didn’t happen for me instantly like it did for you. It took me days before I could get out of bed, weeks before I could stop crying, and months before I cared whether I lived or died.”

  I pause for a moment watching as she pushes her tears away with the heel of her palm. “I’m not sure you understand the magnitude of what you did to me. It was everything, and then it was nothing. You left me twisting in the wind wondering what the fuck happened. No explanation, no reason…nothing. Just ‘I don’t love you anymore.’ That’s what I got.”

  “I’m so sorry,” Sam says as she reaches for me and I push her hand away. My own tears are falling, and now I’m pissed off when I see that coy little smile on her face.

  “Laurel, I love you. I’ve been in love with you since the day I met you.” She gets out of the bed and dresses herself. “When we were getting close to graduating and starting this new and perfect life, I panicked. All I knew was school and this dream we had. I didn’t know how to do it for real, to step up and play my part. You had everything planned out, down to the type of house we owned, the car we would drive, the street we would live on, even our kids…how many, what sex, and names. You put a bow on a perfect plan for my life. Only it was the perfect plan for your life…not mine. I didn’t want everything set in stone. I was terrified.”

  I sat there listening to her justification for shattering my heart with a question….why? “Why didn’t you say anything then? Why did you let me go on and on making plans you didn’t want any part of? Did you ever think that if maybe you would have opened your mouth things would have been different?”

  “I don’t know why,” she says as she begins to pace. “I was young and stupid. I didn’t want to get in your way.”

  “In my way!” I yell. “It was always for us…not for me. You could have told me you were scared. You could have told me you didn’t want every detail planned. But you went along with it all, agreed…even participated. What the fuck was that? Just to humor me…placate me?”

  She shakes her head, “No…of course not.”

  “Then what was it?”

  “I thought I was doing the right thing by letting you go,” Sam’s voice rises a few decibels. “Don’t you think it killed me to do that? Don’t you think I suffered too?”

  I shook my head and let out a cocky grunt, “You have to be fucking kidding me right now. Are you seriously going to compare your pain to mine? I have news for you darling…your self-induced pain was nothing compared to what I went through. So don’t you dare ever say you suffered as much as I did.”

  “Laurel, please. Can’t we…”

  “No, we can’t. You can’t undo what’s been set in stone. Stop trying.” I pull myself out of my bed and into my chair. I head for my bathroom. I need to be away from her…to be alone. My resolve was starting to fade, and I need distance between us. As I cross the threshold to my bathroom I hear her call out for me, her voice is laced with distress. I just close the door and lock it.

  The tears poured from my eyes as I sobbed in the shower. These feelings, this pain I had locked away…banished from existence was starting to come back to me, and I don’t want to remember any of it.

  Chapter Twelve

  I t’s 10:00 a.m. on Wednesday morning and I’m working with resistant bands. Cammie is counting off the reps as I push my leg straight out from my seated position on the floor. We have graduated to the fifteen-pound resistant band and when I say ‘we,’ I mean me.

  Cammie says my leg strength is getting better and soon I’ll be able to ditch the big clunky braces. There is something else I’ll be able to put right into my sneaker to support my ankles. She says I’ll need them when I begin assisted walking, namely using a walker or those forearm crutches. She also says that if I keep up with this momentum, this transition will happen soon.

  It’s been four days since I had sex with Sam. Consequently, it has been awkward as hell when she is around. The way she looks at me like I just kicked a puppy is starting to get really old. Fortuna
tely, she hasn’t been around too much which I’m happy about...mostly.

  I really don’t want another scene of her professing her love. We need…really she needs to move on with her life. There was nothing left between us, not even friendship until I stupidly muddied the waters. I think we should have a clean break from each other, now that she knows I have no intention of going down that road with her again. I hope she is thinking the same thing, maybe that is why she hasn’t been around much.

  “This is ridiculous,” I say. I’m just verbalizing my frustration with this drama. Cammie side eyes me but doesn’t say anything, and I’m happy she didn’t. I need to get back to my life, the simple life. No one to worry about but myself, it’s easier that way and something I prefer.

  Lily is coming home today. Her flight is supposed to come in around noon, and I’m not sure from her text if she meant noon Pacific or Eastern Time, doesn’t really matter because either way, I’ll be hearing from her soon and I’m actually kind of excited to see her. I’ve put the whole Sam sex thing behind me…not like I can justify doing it other than to say ‘I wanted to.’ Here’s the thing, I’m not married or beholden to anybody, and I’m not looking to be anytime soon. I’m single, and I like it…I think for me to become un-single she (whoever she would be) would have to be fucking amazing. Because I’m sure, I’ll go into the next serious relationship kicking and screaming.

  So the fact that I slept with Sam again doesn’t bother me…it was just sex. Amazing sex…but just sex. That woman has a way to weaken my resolve because she knows me, she knows where to touch me…where to kiss me. She knows how to put me under her spell, to be a prisoner under her fingertips, and when I just think about her kissing the spot on my neck, the way she sinks her teeth into my flesh, I still get all goose-bumpy. But like I said…it’s just sex.

  My face contorts in pain, some because of these exercises I’m doing, but mostly because the memory of that sexual escapade has also brought the memory of Sam crying, begging me for another chance.

  “Fuck!” I yell. Cammie probably thinks it’s because this hurts and it’s hard…so very hard. But now here’s that pain in my chest again…the pain trying to creep out of me. The pain I swore I would never let another woman give me, especially that blonde, blue-eyed bitch. I have grown too strong, too independent, and probably too damn bitter to ever fall back into her arms. I’m sorry, but she doesn’t get to get me back.

  After my ass-breaking exercises, Cammie leaves me in the pool to float and de-stress. The coolness of the water is helping to dull the pain radiating from my sciatic down the cheek of my ass. The muscles in my legs are throbbing a bit as well. When Cammie left, to disappear where ever she disappears to midday, she left me strict instructions not to let my muscles get to stiff. I need to keep them moving, keep the blood flowing…keep them warm. I pretty much know this by now, but she tells me anyway. She also tells me to wait for her to get back before I try to get out of the pool on my own. So I hope she doesn’t make me wait too long, because I’ve worked up quite an appetite and a need for something to assuage the guilt in my brain. I’m not sure why it’s surfacing right now, but I do know that the guilt between hurting Sam and keeping this from Lily, is falling all over itself vying for top position.

  I sigh loudly as I sink below the water’s surface.

  I’m not sure how long I’m under the water, but it felt nice…freeing almost. But the sound of my cell ringing brings me to the surface, and I wade over to the side of the pool where my phone is sitting.

  I see the picture pop up as it rings for the third time. It is Lily’s smiling face which in turn brings a smile to my face.

  “Hello there,” I say. The smile is evident in my tone.

  “Hey, gorgeous.”

  “Are you home?” I ask while hanging half-way out of the pool.

  “I just walked in the door.”

  “Oh really,” I say with a sly grin. “I’m the first person on your mind…huh.”

  “Yup. I’ve been thinking about you on that long, daunting flight back. I really missed you.”

  “And I suppose you want to show me just how much you missed me…right?” I say to cover the fact that I’m not going to reciprocate the ‘I miss you’ sentiment. Because even though I did…it’s just too much of me admitting I like this girl more than just a casual fling.

  “Oh yes. Are you busy now? Can I come pick you up?”

  I giggle, “Eager I see. Um, yes you can come pick me up. I’m anxious to see how much you actually did miss me.”

  “Are you sure? Because last time you…”

  “Yes, I’m very sure.”

  I can’t blame her for being worried that I won’t let her touch me again. I need to get past this because I really do want her to touch me. I want to get out from under Sam’s spell. There’s some strange pull, something that keeps drawing me back to her, and I can’t seem to fight it. But then that old saying starts to play in my head, ‘to get over someone, you should get under someone else.’ I’m so ready to be under Lily and have her take me to the depths of pleasure and wipe the image of Samantha Harrison from my brain.

  Naked and sated, we sit perched atop her mattress drinking margaritas. This was her first attempt at pleasuring me. Since every time we had sex before, everything down there was, virtually dead, except for the last time and that was a ‘no’ from me. So, this would be the first time she licked me to orgasm. But the whole time I couldn’t stop thinking about how Sam took me to the limits I never thought I’d feel again and woke the rest of me up in the process the first time. However, the last time, which was only a few days ago, was a marathon sex event of me becoming familiarized with her again. I tried not to think of Sam while Lily’s mouth slid all over my special place, while her tongue danced against my clit. While she pressed her fingers deep inside me and while she brought me to orgasm again and again. While I can’t say that it wasn’t pleasurable with Lily, because it was…it just wasn’t the same.

  The buzzing of my phone shakes me from my thoughts. The screen lights up, and I can see the name display on it from the nightstand, it was Cammie.

  “Are you going to get that?”

  “Nope…it’s just my therapist again. I’m not in the mood for her lecturing me.”

  “You want to stay over?” Lily pops up onto her knees and begins to bounce in front of me with excitement in her eyes. “I’m off tomorrow so we can spend the rest of the night having sex…I’ll make breakfast for you in the morning and if you want we can spend the day together.”

  I try never to make a habit of staying over at any chick’s place unless I accidentally pass out. Staying over is the opposite of keeping it casual and as cute as this girl is…I don’t want her to get too attached.

  “Um…I’m not sure that is a good idea. I have to get up early for therapy.”

  “You’re right,” she says, but I can see the disappointment in her eyes. She hops off the bed with both glasses, “Be right back.” I’m pretty sure she’s off to get us a refill.

  I take this time to grab my phone to see why Cammie is blowing it up. I listen to the first voicemail, it was about two hours ago asking if I was coming home for my last therapy session of the day. The second voicemail was Cammie with an irritated tone about how irresponsible it is of me to blow off any therapy and how vital each session is. The last one was only four words ‘we need to talk.’

  I almost laugh out loud, “Guess she’s breaking up with me.” Saying it out loud does make me laugh.

  “Who’s breaking up with you?” Lily’s sly grin captures my attention.

  “Cammie, she’s all pissed off and says we need to talk.”

  “Oops, guess you’re in trouble.”

  I take the margaritas from her hands and place them beside me, then I pull her to the bed and kiss her hard on the mouth.

  “Lay here darling,” I say as I pat the bed next to me. She lies down, and I pick up one of the margaritas.

  “Have you ever had a
body shot?” I ask as I dip my fingers into the green liquid. I trace a coated finger between her breasts before scraping some salt from the rim and sprinkling it over the wet patch I created.

  She doesn’t answer, just giggles.

  “I think I’ll stay if the offer is still out there, but I have to be home early.”

  “Okay,” she says, her smile beaming.

  Quickly I talk text Cammie before silencing my phone.

  Staying with Lily tonight…be back in the morning.

  I lick the salt from between her tits slowly savoring the sweet and salty flavors on my tongue then I take a long sip from my glass.

  “Now I’m going to do this all the way down your body because there is something else that is salty and sweet I want to dip my tongue into…and it isn’t this margarita.”

  After finishing off both drinks, my head begins to tingle. Being drunk didn’t make for a sound decision making…but definitely did for a voracious lover.

  “Hey, why don’t you hang out with me tomorrow?” I can feel her writhing under my touch as I kiss her inner thigh.

  “I would love to,” she says in a breathy whisper.

  “Awesome,” I say before I press my mouth onto her sweetness.

  The next day I blow off my morning therapy. After she wakes up my special place with her tongue, Lily suggests we head out into the beautiful weather and take in a boat show. I remember quirking an eyebrow at her and inquiring how is there a boat show on a Thursday morning. She just giggled and said, “just go with it.” So I did.

  I’m confused when Lily pulled into the Megunticook River Park. I look over at her with a questioning gaze. She just smiles and continues to drive through the winding road.