It's All Coming Back To Me

by Michelle Marra

  I had to tell myself a least a million times that it was the right thing to do. It was for the best. It would have never worked. She would just break my heart again. I’m not sure if I believe it myself. It would have been so easy to stay. But do what? Pick up where we left off? There was too much water under the bridge for me to open up my heart that easily. However, I think more than anything else my pride was to blame, and I wasn’t giving in.

  I know there isn’t a way for me to eat crow without my entire career being called a fraud. I’m not a fraud, and I’m not going to tell the world that now, suddenly and miraculously I believe in love. It just isn’t going to happen. I resent the fact she stirred these feelings up in me again, and I resent the fact she resorted to such extreme measures in doing so. I like my life the way it was before that bastard put four bullets in me, and I want it back. No matter how much, how hard or how long I’m crying over that woman…I won’t go back.

  “Welcome to Los Angeles.” I hear the pilot say as I look out the window and see the Hollywood sign. I dry my eyes again with the tissue in my hand, they’re swollen and sting when I touch them. I blow my nose one more time and drink the last of the scotch in my glass before the flight attendant has the chance to collect it. Fortunately, no one is sitting next to me, guess the person that bought this seat had something more pressing than a trip to California. I’m very thankful I didn’t have to make idle chit-chat or deal with warm and caring sentiments while I lose myself.

  The plane touches down, and I can’t wait to get back to my place…where everything made sense before I took that fucking trip ten months ago to Manhattan. I just want to throw myself into bed, sleep for two days and forget any of this ever happened. Especially with Sam.

  Chapter Eighteen

  T wo and a half months later, I’m chair free and crutch free, these days I use a walker or cane. This time…these seventy-five days without distraction has been the most beneficial of all my therapy put together. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not taking anything away from Cammie because she did the best she could with me being who I was there. I know I didn’t make it easy and I’ll take the blame for a lot of it, but I’m hanging a lot of the blame on Sam too. I don’t know what she was thinking trying to rekindle a flame that was snuffed out long ago. I’m also pissed at myself for letting her seduce me that first time, it hasn’t helped matters, especially since it started to stir that bullshit up in me again.

  Now that I’m back, I can’t say that my head is clear of Sam because it isn’t. My mother reminded me every time I talked to her in the first couple weeks, and I have to say that it was hard to hear what a broken mess I left her in. I guess some would call it karma, but I wouldn’t wish what I went through on anyone, not even the girl who caused it all. What I can say is that I’ve kept my head in the game…of therapy that is. Doing everything I could do to get to the point I’m at now. During these two point five months, I have restrained myself from women and booze, which I think definitely has helped to accelerate my recovery.

  It definitely put some things back into perspective for me. I was able to take a good sober look at myself. I have to say self-examination is not for the faint of heart because when you look at yourself. I mean really look at yourself; pimples, pores, and wrinkles, it is one hell of a wake-up call. The conclusion and the realization I came to was that I suck. I suck for leading Sam on and for giving her false hope. I suck for playing with Lily’s heart. I suck for being an obnoxious asshole and making everything about me. But mostly what I suck for is slinking away in the dark of the night like a common thief.

  I sit on a bench facing the beach. I shake my head of these thoughts and just try to put it all behind me. I’m trying to get past the guilt, but I can’t seem to shake Sam from my thoughts. I take a deep breath, throw my head back and blow it into the sky. There is not a cloud above me only blue skies for as far as my eyes can see. I look down at my bare legs which are finally sporting a tan again. I rub my hands along my thighs and smile. I’m not completely walking without care these days, but I’m on my way there. Every time I pass by my wheelchair that I keep in my condo, I think back to the days when I was in it, and I felt like I would never walk again. But here I am…walking.

  I have my walker folded down underneath the bench I’m sitting on. I want to feel like a normal person for just an hour before I make my way down the trail back to my condo. It is a beautiful day, the sun is shining high in the sky and warming my skin. I can smell the salt in the air as the cool ocean breeze swathes my face. I feel like this is heaven right now. I smile, take another deep breath and let it out in a long contented sigh. I can’t help but feel this is where I should have been all along, maybe I would be farther along in my capability to walk. I don’t know. What I do know is that I wouldn’t have this ache in my chest every time I think of Sam. Every time I think of us together; kissing, touching…the way our bodies would meld together as if we were made for each other. Funny how I used to think that back before she broke my heart. I would always tell her, we were like pieces to the same puzzle. We fit together perfectly.

  Now what I think when I sit here is how I wish it were different. How I wish Sam did catch me at that airport or how I wish she would have followed me here. Maybe shown up at my place with a bouquet of roses and the smile she always wore that would tear down my defenses. But that’s not the case, and it is for the best, because like I said to her then…even if we tried, it would have never worked. I didn’t want to become one of those possessive women. So it is what it is, and I know I need to keep my head clear of Sam, but it’s proving to be the impossible task. I’m completely frustrated and pissed off at myself. I pull off my sunglasses and scrub my palms over my face.

  “Ugh,” I say in a disgusted tone.

  It’s New Year’s Eve, and like I knew I wouldn’t, I didn’t go home for Christmas. I had to tell my mother that I was in the middle of intense therapy and couldn’t be sidetracked. As much as that was true, I didn’t because I would see Sam again. However, I’m wondering how they’re making out with the winter temperatures. I’m also wondering if they had snow yet, I didn’t ask my mom last time I spoke with her, and she didn’t discuss the weather either. It was just one of those obligatory conversations to ensure everyone was still healthy. I was hoping she would say something about Sam, tell me how she was doing…was she still a wreck? Still pining over me? But, I guess after I basically screamed at her to shut-up about Sam weeks ago, telling her that I didn’t want to hear anything in regards to her. I was moving on, and she needed to do the same. She hasn’t mentioned her since.

  But right now as I sit here, I can’t get that woman out of my head, and I’m wondering if she has any plans for tonight. A date maybe? A hookup? Then the jealousy starts to rage within me.

  “This is bullshit…it’s time to get her out of your system,” I say. “Time to get Laurel Matthews back into the swing of things.”

  Now I think I’ve had too much time on my hands. Been too sober and too lonely. So I open my phone and scroll through my contacts. I need to find someone who might want to hang out tonight and what I mean by hang out…is hook up. Dania Alvaro, a dancer I dated four years ago. She was a dark-haired Mexican beauty, so there was no way she would remind me of Sam.

  I’m hesitant at first. What am I going to say if she answers my call? It’s been a while since I’ve seen Dania, and I don’t remember us parting on good terms. But that is how I parted with the majority of the women on my contact list. But I think, maybe she won’t tell me to go fuck myself and hang up. Guess there was only one way to find out.

  I press the call button, the phone rings four times before I hear her raspy voice say ‘hello.’

  “Dania…Um, hey. This is Laurel, Laurel Matthews.”

  There is a moment of silence on the other end of the phone, and suddenly I feel awkward and wish I thought this through better. But what was I going to do, hang up? I can certainly take rejection, at least it never bothered me before. I
dished it out enough over the years.

  “Oh my God, Laurel.”

  Dania finally speaks, and I release a breath of relief.

  “I heard you were back on the West Coast. Whew, thought we lost you there for a moment. How the hell are ya?”

  “Um…I’m hanging in there ya know. As best as can be expected.”

  “Glad to hear it. So then you’re back in LA for good?”

  “Yeah, guess so. How are you?”

  “I’m doing well. How long you been back?”

  “I’ve been back for a couple months now.”

  She is silent for a moment, and I’m wondering if she’s politely trying to get me off the phone.

  “So Laurel, what made you call me out of the blue? It’s been what, three years?”

  “Um…yes. I guess it has.” I’m not sure I want to go through with this requested reconnection. She sounds a little indifferent, or maybe I’m just overthinking this. There’s really no harm in asking. The worst she could say is ‘no.’ Well, that’s not true. She could tell me to go fuck myself. My heart is beating fast, and I’m a little irritated that I’m nervous. Spontaneous hook-ups, girls at my beck and call…all I ever had to do was make a call. What’s so different now?

  Dammit.

  “So…”

  “Right. Well, I was wondering if you had any plans tonight. I’m having a little impromptu NYE celebration.”

  “Oh really. And what kind of celebration would that be?”

  “Well, you know me. Drinks, food, the stars…and who knows.”

  “Hmm, that certainly sounds enticing. What time?”

  “Eight.”

  “How could I possibly refuse such a legit offer?”

  “So then that’s a ‘yes,’” I say as a wide smile spreads across my face.

  “See ya then,” she says in a low sexy voice then ends the call.

  Right now, I’m super stoked.

  “Yes…I’m back, baby!” I yell.

  I grab my walker, open it and hastily make my way back to the condo. I only have a few hours to get things in order. Fortunately, there are three restaurants in my building, and I’m hoping I have some pull with at least one of them so I can get something catered. Not that I care to eat, I would prefer to fuck the night away. However, I know we’ll need to eat something even if it is just used as sustenance to keep up our stamina. Because if memory serves me right, this chick had some longevity.

  When I return to my condo, I quickly contact Luna Piena Ristorante. They were a sponsor for my show last season, and I know they were working out some details on their contract for this year as well, plus, they used me living in this building as an incentive for business. So I didn’t feel bad cashing in some favors. It was just after 3:00 p.m. and I wasn’t expecting Dania until around eight, so I decided to take a nap. I want to be wide-eyed tonight. I set my alarm for 6:00 p.m. and climb into my bed.

  After the nap and a shower, I cane my way out to the living room and am blown away. The place looks like a nightclub. Streamers, balloons, lighting, glitter…every NYE type decoration I can possibly think of. Not only that, but the bar was fully stocked, and the Italian seafood feast was arranged on the dining room table like a five-star restaurant. I think the restaurant might want something extra in the sponsorship for this upcoming season. If I have any pull or sway with the producers, I’ll make sure they get it.

  I make myself a drink, stuff a couple of crab puffs into my mouth before I make my way back to my bedroom to get dressed. I’m not sure what I should wear. I definitely want something that’s sexy but also easily removed. I’m thinking about a simple black dress, but wasn’t up to heels and barefoot might just take away from the look. So I decide on a pair of black leggings with a sequined blue and black blouse. My makeup is subtle, and my hair is wavy and loose draped on my shoulders. Dania always liked when I wore it that way.

  I’m ready to get back on the horse. This is just what I need to get Sam out of my head and hopefully out of my system. I’m hopeful that after tonight, I will cement the transition back to my old self. Back to the ‘me’ I’ve wanted since I woke up after my coma. For the first time in two months, I’m optimistic that I will get it all back, and leave Sam and the nightmare of me being paralyzed in the past where they belong.

  It’s a little after eight, and I’m nervous. I’m not sure why…maybe it’s the whole getting reacquainted with Dania. I’ve been so out of touch with this lifestyle for so long, maybe I’m jumping back in too fast or maybe just a little too deep. Maybe I should have stuck a toe in before I leapt in without looking. Dania isn’t Sam and certainly isn’t Lily. With her coming here on the premise that this is a hook-up, she will be prepared to swallow me whole.

  “What the fuck was I thinking,” I say when I swallow down more vodka.

  Finally the doorbell rings, she was always fashionably late. I open the door, and my jaw nearly drops to the floor. Not because she is gorgeous, because she’s stunning…but because she is standing there arm and arm with a woman. A fucking tall blonde with light eyes and my stomach tightens as I fumble with my words.

  “Dania, it’s been a long time,” I said clumsily. She steps forward and kisses me on both cheeks.

  “Laurel, you look as amazing as ever. I’m so happy you’re back on your feet and back on the West Coast.”

  I smile at her and nod. Looking into her big brown eyes, I’m almost swept back into the past. Back to the woman I used to be. But here I am, leaning on a cane and wondering why the hell Dania brought another woman to this would-be little party. I step back so they can enter.

  “Wow…I didn’t think this was gonna be a full on party,” Dania says as she steps into the center of the room eyeing the decorations.

  “It’s not. So, who’s your friend,” I say as my gaze captures the blonde’s crystal blue eyes.

  “This is Lucas…you don’t remember her?”

  “Should I?”

  Lucas smiles, “You don’t remember our night. I’m deeply hurt.”

  Her accent is thick, she kinda looks familiar but right now all I can see is Samantha Harrison in her face.

  “Um…sorry, I don’t remember.”

  Dania laughs as she walks back over to us with three shot glasses. “Patron gold. My favorite.” She hands us both a glass, holds her’s up and says, “To leaving 2016 behind in style.”

  We all clinked glasses, I toss the tequila down my throat and wince at the burn. Now the memory comes back, the taste of tequila on my tongue and Dania’s giant smile. Nothing good ever comes when I drink tequila…come to think of it, nothing good ever comes of me hooking up with Dania.

  “Okay,” she says as she returns with the bottle to refill our glasses. “I can see you searching your brain. I won’t keep you in suspense any longer. Don’t you remember the fashion show you took me to in Hollywood…when we were dating.”

  She air quotes the word dating.

  I look over at Lucas who is now picking at the shrimp. I shake my head…I don’t remember. Have I slept with so many women that I can’t remember names, faces…accents?

  “She was one of the runway models. We went to the after party.” She pauses again, I guess she is trying to jog my memory, but nothing is coming yet.

  “Oh my God…Laurel. You disappeared, left me alone.”

  My eyes close as the memory begins to open in my brain. I did remember. I had a few drinks and hit on Lucas. She took me back to her place, and we spent the night together.

  “Oh shit,” I say. “Sorry about that, guess that’s why we stopped dating.”

  She began to laugh, “No darling….Lucas wasn’t the reason. The other twenty were.”

  “Wow. I, uh…I.” I begin to stutter as face warms with embarrassment.

  “No worries Laurel, that’s water under the bridge. Lucas and I met at another show and hit it off. We’ve been dating for over a year now. But…,” she pauses as a sly grin forms on her face. “We do like to get wild.”


  She saunters over to where I’m standing with a wide smile that always made my stomach tighten with excitement. I back up slowly until I feel the sofa press against the backs of my legs. I look over at Lucas, then back into her dark eyes which are growing darker by the moment. I swallow hard and giggle in my nervousness.

  “Um, so do you guys want to have some food and drinks or…”

  Dania pulls my cane away tosses it to the side, pushes me down on the sofa, and straddles me.

  “No, darling. I say we take that bottle of tequila and this little bag to your room and have some fun.” She pulls a bag of what looks like little white rocks. I know exactly what that is, cocaine. Oh shit…I think. Nothing good ever comes of hanging with Dania Alvaro…and now I remember why.

  The next morning, I awake to two naked women wrapped around me with empty tequila bottles and various sex toys strewn about as well as lines of coke still visible on the bedside table. I’m not sure what the time it is, but from the way my eyes are burning it hasn’t been too long since we passed out. I pull myself out from between the women and drag my naked ass to the edge of the bed and scan the room for my cane. My hand is shading my eyes since the sun is blaring through the windows. The blinds were never drawn, mostly because the three of us didn’t keep our antics to the bed. Several times during the night one of us had another pressed up against the glass wall, and a couple times we were out on the terrace pleasuring each other’s body in the night air under the moon and stars. I still can hear Dania giggle when she pulled me out into the darkness saying, ‘you did promise me stars.’