by J. A. Howell
As much as it hurt to part with his things, it was also cathartic. If she held onto every little part of him, there would never be room for someone else. She would donate what she could manage to part with and hold on to a few prized mementos.
Before the pile of clothes grew to an unmanageable size, Dillan grabbed one of his old duffle bags and started packing them into it. Before she knew it, she had the majority of Jamie’s clothes packed up. She looked down at his shoes then also grabbed several pairs tossing them into the duffle as well.
Just one shoebox was left, and the bag was barely zippable. She picked up the tattered shoebox that had packing tape around the lid, studying it with interest. Her fingernails picked at the edge of the tape then tore it free from the cardboard, leaving it barely together as she discarded the lid on the floor. The unassuming box of what she thought were another pair of sneakers was stuffed full of white envelopes. Envelopes addressed to Jamie.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
When Trey finally came to in the hospital, he knew it was a bad idea. He felt sore, broken. There were wires and tubes sticking out of him and a neck brace rigidly holding his head upright as he lay in the hospital bed. The bright fluorescent lighting hurt his eyes. He had no idea how long he had been here. He managed to turn his head slightly, looking for any sign of Dillan. His eyes fell on a familiar face, but it wasn’t the one he was hoping for. Agent Luciano sat in the chair next to his bed, looking equally as battered as Trey did. He sat forward, relieved to see Trey wake up.
“Why are you here? Where’s Dillan? Is she okay?” Trey’s voice was raspy and dry.
“She’s fine Alex. She was released earlier today. I needed to make sure you were okay.” His eyes were full of worry and guilt. Trey did not understand why.
“I didn’t listen to you.” He sighed, leaning back, “You were right about Carlos, and instead of trying to help you, I helped lead him here.” Trey tried to sit up unsuccessfully, a sharp pain springing up from his abdomen.
“What do you mean, you helped lead him here?” Trey’s eyes narrowed suspiciously.
“We found Agent Decker dead. He was killed a few nights before Carlos came here. We think he’s been feeding information to Carlos since he got out of prison last year.” Trey’s eyes grew wide at this revelation. Agent Luciano looked down shamefully.
“I also have the sneaking suspicion that Decker is part of the reason Carlos wasn’t able to be charged with a life sentence. He must have found a way to get a hold of your brother’s information and figured Carlos would never find out he didn’t actually kill you.”
Anger flickered behind Trey’s eyes as he listened, his hand gripping the bedrail until his knuckles turned white. He had never liked Agent Decker. From their brief interaction, Trey knew that all Decker had thought of him was that he was some stupid, no good, punk kid. Meanwhile he had used him and his brother to make a few bucks from an animal like Carlos. He felt no sympathy at all for Agent Decker’s demise.
“So Decker is the reason my brother was killed then? Glad they took care of him then.”
“Well, he wouldn’t have been found out if you hadn’t called.” Agent Luciano nodded at him. “The day you called me, when you told me what happened to Andrew I had later asked him about the case. Suddenly he was acting real concerned…I thought it odd but didn’t pay attention to it then. I told him you had gone to find your brother, but I didn’t know he knew where that was.” He knew if it wasn’t for him, Agent Decker would not have been able to lead them back here.
“So he went back to them and told him I was here…and Carlos killed him?”
Agent Luciano nodded, “Yes, the De La Rocha family doesn’t take kindly to these kind of mistakes. I just can’t believe I worked with the man, and had no idea he was doing this. A mistake of my own I guess.”
While Trey was upset by the news, he appreciated the fact that the detective had come here and sought him out, if only to apologize. Not that it was even really Agent Luciano’s fault.
If it wasn’t for him, Trey and Jamie would have never been able to keep in touch. Driving several towns over to retrieve each others’ letters had been a small price to pay for holding onto each other. He could never thank him enough for managing to set that up. It had apparently been one thing he never even shared with his own partner. Agent Luciano had gone well beyond the call of duty then, just as he had now, in coming to see Trey.
With regards to Agent Decker, he supposed vengeance had been served on all guilty parties for his brother’s death and Dillan’s broken heart. It was the most he could ask for. If only Agent Decker had found Trey’s address in Portland, then Jamie could have been spared. But there was no more time for what if’s. He was here and Jamie wasn’t. Dillan was safe now too, so maybe it was time to disappear into the sunset.
“So, do I need to go back into witness protection again, now that my identity has been blown?” Trey asked.
“No, seeing as Carlos was the kingpin of the family after his father’s death, he is now gone. The De La Rocha family has fallen apart with the death of him and our men were able to bust more of them on charges of killing Agent Decker. The cartel is by no means gone, but those left were rivals to the De La Rochas. If you want to relocate then I can help you with that. We are covering the hospital expenses as well, since this wouldn’t have happened to you if it hadn’t been for one of our own.”
“I think it would be best if I leave then. I need to get out of Midtown.” Trey said, attempting to convince himself despite his own longing to stay.
“If you’re sure that’s what you want to do, I’ll see to it that it gets done as soon as they are able to release you.”
With that, Agent Luciano excused himself, leaving Trey to rest. Before he left, he reassured Trey that he would be nearby if he needed anything else. Trey leaned back against the hospital bed, his mind moving on to Dillan as he was left alone. He felt relieved that he would soon be a distant memory to her. He had done what he had set out to do.
At least he could leave Midtown knowing that.
After she nearly was killed because of Trey, it wasn’t surprising that Dillan never came to see how he was recovering. He certainly couldn’t hold it against her. Still…he remembered her turning back just as he was shot. He remembered the horrified look in her face right before he had fallen. Had she meant to come back for me?
It didn’t help to think about it. She could have tried to help him simply because he was still Jamie’s brother, and because standing by and watching it happen was something a good person wouldn’t do. As soon as Trey was able to leave the hospital, he would leave Midtown and that was that. He would start over somewhere else, maybe find someone else, but probably not. More than likely he would remain alone.
The idea of being alone again made him shudder. It used to be a comfort to him, staying an outsider, watching from afar. It used to be much easier to live that way. Without a reason to feel anything, or care about anyone but yourself; and even that last part was optional. But starting to care about Dillan, and now becoming an outsider was unbearable. Pulling himself away from a connection with someone like her was torture.
Staying with Dillan…being with her, had been a bittersweet taste of what his life could have been like. If he hadn’t spent so many years making one bad decision after another, maybe he could have found someone like her. Even now, remembering the arch of her back and the curve of her hips sent a tingling down his spine. A lump gathered in Trey’s throat as he did his best to push these memories and these longings away. Try as he might, Dillan still managed to creep back into his thoughts. It didn’t take much to remind him of her. Maybe once he left Midtown, he could let Dillan fade away; go back to who he once was.
A nurse came in, interrupting his thoughts as she smiled at him, her face was mature and wrinkled, her frame slightly hunched.
“Glad to see you are finally alert.” She commented, “The doctor will be happy to see how well you have progressed.” Trey f
eigned a smile at the older woman as she looked over his chart, then back up at him.
“How are you feeling? “ Her eyes drew concern as she studied him over the rim of her glasses.
“Ready to leave, when am I going to be able to?” He answered, his voice void of emotion.
“If the doctor gives you the all clear, you will probably be able to leave tomorrow morning. Please try to rest up though.” She patted his hand after she checked his I.V., as well as the several other machines in the room. He nodded to her as she left, and then glanced out the window. The sky was growing dark; the orange and pink glow of the sunset was slowly fading away. She must have adjusted his pain medication, because suddenly he was feeling very drowsy. His breathing deepened, then slowed, and Trey laid his head back down on the pillow. His eyelids gently fell as he watched the fading sunset. Relief swept over him as the medication went into full effect and pulled him into a dreamless sleep. This would be his last night in Midtown.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Dillan lay on her back against her oversized pillows reading Trey’s letters. Her heart swelled with each letter she read. She listened as Trey recounted the horrible things he had seen, and the horrible acts he was sometimes forced to commit. Nightmares of his mother haunted him. She thought back to times when Jamie would wake her up, screaming out in his sleep. He would always tell her it was nothing but a weird dream once when she had managed to wake him. One night he had kept yelling for his mother. She wondered if Trey had been having nightmares like that too. He had nobody there to wake him up. Letter after letter, she read on as Trey poured his heart out to Jamie.
When I close my eyes, all I see is hers. I’m the reason she is dead. I’m so sorry that I caused all this. It should have been me.
From there he had listed the multiple ways he thought about killing himself. The only thing that kept stopping him was Jamie’s letters.
I saw a little boy and his mother eating together when I went out for fast food. I thought of us when we were that small. How is it possible for something so innocent to grow into a monster like me?
He admitted that he had been drinking a lot more than he used to, and that it didn’t make the visions of his mom being blown away any less frequent. Dillan’s hands fumbled upon a more recent letter.
As much as I want to meet Dillan and I want to feel like a real family again, I can’t help but fear that just by my being there, I’ll cause problems. Haven’t I hurt you enough? The best thing I can accomplish in this life is to not cause problems in yours.
Dillan didn’t want to excuse his lies, but she no longer held one bit of anger toward him. Maybe if she had been in his position, she would have done the same thing. Maybe she would have lied, just to have someone to share some sort of human connection after so many years of feeling like an exile. After all, he had lost someone too, and at least she had gotten to say goodbye, regardless of how brief it had been. Dillan now knew the answer to Kay’s question at dinner.
Does one good deed excuse a lifetime of bad deeds?
No.
But should one big mistake condemn you?
It was more than obvious to Dillan that Trey should not be condemned for his past. He may not have been killed like his mother and his brother, but he had endured a lifetime of torture and anguish when he was forced into solitude. She was only sending him back to that desolate state of existence.
Dillan folded up the last letter in her hand and glanced up at the clock on her nightstand. It was too late to go to the hospital and see him, and she was feeling exhausted. She wanted nothing more than to curl up in her own bed again after being cooped up in the hospital. Carefully gathering all of the letters in a stack, Dillan placed them back into the box on top of the others.
First thing in the morning, she told herself, I’ll go see him. At the very least, she wanted to make amends with him. Her emotions were still very confused regarding anything else she felt for him but she knew she cared about him, and he needed to know that. Dillan glanced out at the night sky, then stretched her arms over her head, softly collapsing against the cool sheets as her eyelids drifted shut.
***
The distant clanging of pots and pans awoke Dillan the next morning. She rolled over in bed, peering out the window, at the daylight streaming in. Her hand clumsily grabbed her alarm clock off of the nightstand. 1PM. How could she have slept so late? She had to get to the hospital to see Trey. Quickly tossing open the closet door, Dillan pulled a t-shirt and a pair of jeans off their hangers, hastily changing before slipping on her sneakers and rushing out of her bedroom.
“Headed out? I was just making lunch for us.” Kay looked up at her, watching Dillan heading straight for the door.
“Oh gosh, I’m sorry Kay. I have to go to the hospital. I need to go see Trey.” Dillan said, slinging her bag over her shoulder.
“You’re going to see him?” Her friend’s lips drew into a straight line again, as her hands stopped whisking the contents of a mixing bowl.
“Yes, I’ll explain everything later. But I have to go see him.” Dillan grabbed her phone, sliding it into her back pocket before she turned for the door. Kay nodded and waved her off, trusting that whatever reason was compelling her friend to go, must be important. Dillan offered an appreciative smile to her before exiting into the hallway and hastily taking to the stairs. She nearly stumbled a few times as she ran down the flight of them, her side beginning to ache as her feet pounded against the steps. Even while she was in pain, her legs could not move fast enough.
As Dillan reached the last landing, she shoved the glass doors open. Fumbling through her bag as she walked toward her motorcycle, it was then that she realized she had forgotten her keys. It probably wasn’t a good idea with her current physical state anyways. With a sigh, she walked briskly out of the parking garage, bursting out onto the sidewalk as her eyes searched the street for a taxi. One was letting out a previous passenger by the next intersection. Sprinting as best as she could toward the taxi, she waved one arm at the driver as her other hand clutched her side. She hoped the driver wouldn’t take off without seeing her. As she grabbed the door, she sighed in relief, nodding at the woman as she moved past her, sliding into the backseat of the cab.
“Midtown Hospital, please.” She gasped as she tried to catch her breath. She felt a little more at ease as the cab pulled away from the curb and headed toward the hospital, despite the growing pain on her side. Once the cab pulled up in front of the hospital entrance, Dillan’s mind drew a blank as to what she would say to Trey. Her legs were locked against the cloth seats of the cab as she stared up at the towering hospital building. We’ve got to do this Dillan.
After a moment, she managed to convince her body to move and thanked the driver, quickly handing him cash, then climbing out of the cab. With her stomach flip-flopping, she walked through the automatic doors and made her way across the lobby to the elevators. Her finger mashed the button for the elevator until the bell dinged and the doors opened. What am I doing? Her hands were shaking as the elevator doors closed and she ascended toward his floor. She felt herself growing impatient as the elevator stopped on the next floor. Two orderlies stepped on wheeling a cart of medical supplies in with them as they idly chatted. Why did everything seem to take longer the closer she got?
Shoving her way out of the elevator as soon as the doors finally opened to his floor, Dillan couldn’t recall the room number she had been in, just that she had been a couple rooms down past the nurses’ station.
His room should be right next to it. She walked swiftly down the corridor to his room, and her heart beat faster the closer she got. With a shaky hand her fingers grasped the handle, turning it and pushing the door open. Taking a deep breath, she walked in. The room was barren. The bed was made as if he had never been here. Fuck, he already left. She bit her lip, her eyes sweeping the room once more for any sign of Trey. Nothing.
“Dammit.” She growled, turning toward the nurses’ station. Maybe she had
gone to the wrong room.
“Excuse me, what happened to the patient in that room? The man that was brought here when I was?”
The nurse that had been tending to Dillan the day she left, looked up from a computer monitor, surprised to see her there.
“Oh, he was released a few hours ago.” She stated, nodding at Dillan
“I need to find him…it’s important.”
“Well, I don’t exactly know where he went, but he was with some cop, I believe. I heard them talking about the bus station but not much else.” The nurse shrugged, giving her a sympathetic smile. Dillan’s heart sank into her gut. A few hours ago? If he hadn’t been by her apartment yet, she knew that he probably hadn’t planned to. If he was heading to the bus station a few hours ago, there was no way he was still there. But she was desperate to find him. She had to go there. She had to check.
Determined, she walked back to the elevators, getting on one just before it closed. Her foot tapped nervously as the elevator descended, visibly annoying the other passengers, but she didn’t care. Dillan pushed past them as the elevator doors slid open. Exiting the hospital, she walked toward another cab that was parked amongst others that waited for passengers from the hospital.
“Bus station.” She nodded to the driver, handing him a few twenties. “Please try and hurry.” Without hesitation the driver put the car in gear and made for the exit, quickly pulling out onto the street. Lucky for her, she had managed to find a driver that knew all the back alleys and shortcuts through Midtown. Her hands gripped the leather seat tightly as he drove, her heart beating faster once more. As impossible as she knew it probably was, she hoped that Trey would still be there. For once maybe, things would go her way.