by Jacob Chance
He pushes forward, slowly stretching me. A burning sensation hits and I want to tell him to stop, but I don’t. I raise my hips, helping him slide farther inside me. He draws his hips back and thrusts forward. The burning pain intensifies and I dig my nails into his back.
“Almost there,” he rasps. On the next thrust of his hips, he slams all the way into me. “Oh, fuck.” He drags a ragged breath in through his nose. “You feel incredible.”
I wrap my legs around him and he starts to move, stroking in and out of me. Just as the pain starts to recede, he picks up the pace. He lets out an unintelligible sound and collapses on top of me.
He raises his head. “Are you okay?”
I smile. “I’m great.”
He slips from me, rolling to the side. While he takes care of the condom, I put my clothes back on. When my gaze returns to him, his pants are on and he’s slipping his shirt over his head.
We sit on the blanket, smiling goofily at one another. I feel like when I look at him, I’m seeing my future.
We stay outside until it starts to get dark. I don’t think either of us wants to be in the woods in the dark, no matter how nice it is to have privacy.
The remainder of the night flies past and it’s time to return to our rooms.
“I’m going to stay in my room so I can pack and hang out with Jeremy some.”
I’m not happy about this turn of events, but I also don’t want to be demanding. He has been ignoring Jeremy while spending all his free time with me.
“Okay. When will I see you?” I ask.
He pulls me into his arms, squeezing me tightly. “In the morning. We can have breakfast together and exchange our information.”
“Sounds like a plan,” I agree. He presses a kiss to my lips and draws back, raking his teeth over his bottom lip. “I think I love you.”
I can’t contain my cheesy smile. It spreads across my face until my cheeks hurt. “That’s convenient ’cause I think I love you too.”
“What happened? Tell me all the details,” Rachel orders as soon as I enter our room.
“We had dinner in the woods. He found this grassy area and laid out a blanket for us to sit on. He had pizza delivered and brought it for us to have for dinner.”
“That’s not what I meant and you know it.” Rachel stomps her foot jokingly.
“We had sex,” I announce and we both start jumping up and down. We bounce all around the room celebrating, and when we’re done we collapse on our beds.
“What did you guys decide to do about seeing each other?” she asks.
“We didn’t really work out the details. He mentioned a hockey camp in Amherst as a possibility.”
“All I can say is you better keep in touch with me. I’m planning on going to Boston University, so I’ll be near you.”
“For sure. I won’t be going anywhere but community college for the first two years.”
“Hey, there’s no shame in that. You’ll save a ton of money.”
“And my mom will drive me crazy,” I reply.
Rachel turns onto her stomach, kicking her legs up behind her. “You can always visit me at school.”
I shake my head. “My mom is like a prison guard, she won’t let me out.”
“We’ll find a way to get together just like you and Donovan will. Now, get over here so we can take some pics that I can post on Instagram.”
“Now you’re talking,” I say, bounding over to leap onto her bed. We lie on our backs, side by side with our cheeks touching, and smile at the camera. We make a crazy number of silly faces and fall into giggles when we look at the pictures. It takes us too long to work our way through all the options and choose the best ones to post.
After all the selfie shenanigans are over, we pack our bags and get ready for bed. When my head hits the pillow, I’m exhausted but happy. It’s been a fantastic week here and I’ve met some amazing people. I’ve fallen in love with a cocky bad boy and lost my virginity. And the hockey part of camp has been helpful too. What more could I ask for?
I jump from my bed when the alarm goes off. I’ve got to get ready so I can spend some more time with Donovan. Forgoing a shower, I throw on jeans and a sweatshirt and put my hair in a ponytail. I brush my teeth and slip on my sneakers. “Rachel, wake up,” I shout. “Don’t sleep away our last hours.”
She mumbles to herself for a few seconds. “It’s only eight o’clock. I’m not getting picked up until noon.”
“I’m not sure what time my mom will show and I know Jeremy had to be at the airport at noon,” I tell her.
At Jeremy’s name she sits straight up. “You’re right. I need to get out of bed.”
“I’m going to find Donovan and grab some breakfast. I’ll see you in the cafeteria.” I practically skip all the way to the boys’ room. Rapping my knuckles on the door, I impatiently wait. Jeremy answers and he doesn’t look pleased to see me.
“Hey, is Donovan here?”
“No, he’s gone.”
“Gone to breakfast?” I ask.
He shakes his head. “No, he’s gone home.”
“What do you mean?”
“He went home to Vermont. His brother picked him up about an hour ago.”
“But he said he’d see me this morning,” I say.
“He had a change of plans. Hold on for a sec,” he says, stepping inside their room. “Here.” He hands me an envelope with my name on it. “Donovan asked me to make sure you got this.”
“Thank you,” I reply out of reflex.
“It’s been great meeting you, but I’m gonna catch another hour of sleep. If you see Rachel, tell her I’ll be by to see her before I leave.”
“Okay. See you, Jeremy.” Turning, I hear the door click shut behind me. I look the envelope over for clues but there are none to be found. It’s your basic white envelope, and since I’m not sure what I’m going to find inside of it, I’m not going back to my room. I’ll read it somewhere where I can be alone.
I hurry outside and speed walk to the pond. Crashing down onto the bench, I tear at the flap until it’s shredded. I pull out the lined notebook paper and unfold it. Spreading the single page flat on my lap, I lean over and read his words.
Dear Piper,
By the time you read this letter, I’ll already be well on my way home. I called my brother last night and asked him to pick me up early. I wanted to spare us the pain of a long, drawn-out goodbye.
It’s five a.m. now and I’ve spent most of the night awake, thinking about us and how we can make a relationship work. And the conclusion I came up with is that we can’t. I don’t want to be missing you all the time and not be able to see you. I’d rather make a clean break now and deal with the temporary pain of losing you than drag it out indefinitely.
When I told you I think I love you, I meant it. You’ll always own a piece of my heart.
I can’t afford any distractions in my life and neither can you. And that’s what you would be. In time, I’d grow to care more for you than for hockey. And from what you told me, hockey has always been your priority, just like for me.
We need to keep our focus where it belongs so we can live out our dreams. Maybe someday it’ll be the right time for us to have a relationship. I really hope that’s the case. But I have a feeling you’re going to hate me after you read this. I don’t blame you—I hate myself for writing it.
I’ll miss you, beautiful. I’m so grateful we got to know each other. Stay focused and strong. You deserve everything you want out of life. I’ll be cheering you on always.
Love,
Donovan
Tears are streaming down my face when I finish. I can’t believe he’s gone and that he doesn’t want to be together anymore. I guess it’s just like my mom’s always told me. Once you give a boy what he wants, he’ll be done with you. I gave Donovan my virginity and not even twenty four hours later he’s breaking things off.
I don’t know how I'm going to walk back inside without everyone noticing how devas
tated I am. How am I going to keep my mom from seeing right through me? She has a way of always figuring out the truth. There are no secrets with her.
I’m in shock and I remain on the bench until my mom texts me that she’ll be here in ten minutes. My ass went numb long ago and I was hoping my heart might follow suit, but no such luck.
Rising, I throw my shoulders back and pretend everything is as it should be. Camp members are milling about everywhere when I step inside. I share waves and force myself to smile when necessary.
Rachel isn’t in the room when I get there and I’m relieved. If she asked me what happened I’d break, and I can’t afford to do that when I’m about to see my mom. I grab my bags and take a final glance around the room that houses so many great memories. Once I’m in the hall, I kick the door shut and focus on remaining calm.
I make a quick stop in the office to return my key and then I exit the building the same way I arrived one week ago… single and determined.
Chapter Nine
Piper
It’s been almost two months since I returned from hockey camp. I skipped my prom because I didn’t feel like going. My high school graduation has come and gone. No matter what I do or how many times I remind myself that Donovan broke my heart, I still miss him. What’s wrong with me? Am I a glutton for heartbreak? Do I have an undiagnosed chemical imbalance?
I’ve always considered myself to be above average in intelligence, but in the last two months, I’ve had to rethink that view. If I was so smart I’d have less trouble admitting Donovan and I are over. Honestly, we never really got started, but try to tell my heart that and it’s sure to disagree.
I’ve done a lot of soul searching to try to understand what it is about Donovan that won’t allow me to write him off. I even started journaling, thinking I might learn something valuable by reading my thoughts. So far, all I’ve learned is I may be dumber than I thought, and clearly, I’m gullible.
Wanting someone while at the same time wanting to move on from them has to be one of the worst feelings in the world. It’s a never-ending push and pull that makes my bones tired and my soul weary.
Lately, I’ve just been worn out. I’m making myself sick over Donovan. At first, I was nauseous, but for the past week, I’ve been vomiting. Which is why my mom made me a doctor’s appointment and dragged me to the lab for blood work. She thinks I’m anemic or that I’m lacking some essential vitamin. According to her, I’m becoming skin and bones and we need to find out why.
The paper on the exam table crinkles underneath me as we wait for my doctor. “Why are we here? I hate coming to the doctor. This place looks like it was decorated with four year olds in mind,” I sputter. There are painted ducks and frogs hopping all over one wall.
“That’s because it was, but that doesn’t mean you can’t come here. You're eighteen, not forty.”
There’s a knock on the door before Dr. Fay enters. “Hi, Piper. Hi, Mrs. Kelly.”
My mom and I say hello. Dr. Fay is very familiar with me. I’ve been coming here since I was a newborn.
She sits down on the stool, placing the laptop on the counter. “Tell me what’s going on with you.”
“I’ve been nauseous and I’ve started throwing up. But it’s not all the time.”
“She looks terrible,” my mom jumps in.
Dr. Fay places her fingers on the keyboard. “Have you had a fever?”
“Nope.”
“A cough?”
“Nope.”
“Are you tired?”
“Sometimes.”
The nurse peeks her head in and hands Dr. Kay a paper before backing from the room. The doctor looks over every inch of what’s printed on it before raising her eyes to me. She looks grim and I’m starting to worry. Maybe I have a serious illness.
“Your lab work results came back.” Her eyes bounce between my mom and me. “You’re pregnant.”
Oh my God.
“What?” My mom’s voice is shrill and chill inducing.
“Piper is pregnant, and according to her blood work she’s about eight weeks along.”
“She can’t be,” my mom cries.
I can’t be. We used a condom and it was only one time.
“Piper, do you have any questions for me?”
I sit there silently, shaking my head.
My life is over.
My mom is going to kill me—legitimately. And if she doesn’t, I’ll wish she did because she’s going to make my life a living hell. I’ll never hear the end of her incessant lectures on all the negative traits men have and how I should know better than to fall for a bunch of bullshit.
Please, God, kill me now.
The doctor goes over some information about vitamins and what comes next, but I’ve completely zoned out. All I can think about is that I have to tell Donovan I’m pregnant. How am I supposed to do that?
Remember me, the girl you didn’t want to be in a relationship with? Guess what? You get to be tied to me for the next eighteen years. Aren’t you the luckiest?
My chin falls to my chest as I stare at my lap. I’m numb. So numb that I can’t even cry. All my plans and dreams have come to a screeching halt. The universe just snatched my future from me. It’s currently fucking me in my ass and all I can do is bend over and take it.
I stayed silent on the ride home, but as soon as we were inside our house my mom jumped on me. “Piper, you're going to need to tell me how this happened.”
“Isn’t that obvious?” I snark.
“Don’t be mouthy with me. I didn’t do this to you. You did.” Here we go. Piper is bad and Mom is always right. “Who’s the father?”
“He’s someone I met at camp.”
“Where’s he from?”
“Vermont.” There’s no point in me lying now. I’ll be seeing plenty of him now.
“What happened? Did he pay you some attention and you handed over your virginity?”
God, she’s insulting.
“No, that’s not how it happened. But you can think what you want.”
“Was this a onetime thing?” she asks.
“The sex was, yes. But I love him.”
“And why hasn’t this boy been in touch if you mean so much to him?” Her voice is venomous. It triggers me. I want to scream at her to shut the fuck up. But I tamp down my rage. The quicker this conversation ends, the better for me and the baby.
Oh, wow. I’m already thinking about what’s best for the baby. Maybe I won’t suck at this being a mother thing. I can be everything my own mother hasn’t been for me.
“Answer me,” she prods.
“What was the question?” I really don’t remember.
“Where is the baby’s father if he loves you so much?”
“His name is Donovan.” If I have to listen to her utter the boy one more time, I’ll lose it. “We decided having a long distance relationship would be too hard.”
“And having a kid won’t be?” Her sarcasm is the last thing I need.
“Mom, if you’re only going to mock me, then we’re done talking.”
“I’ll decide when we’re done. Who do you think is going to keep a roof over your head and food on your plate while you grow a baby in your stomach?” She points a blood-red fingernail at her own chest. “Me. That’s who.”
“There’s no reason I can’t work while I’m pregnant.”
“Who’s going to hire you?”
“I won’t tell them I’m pregnant.”
“Don’t you think they’ll figure it out for themselves?” she asks.
“Not at first,” I reply, and my legs get shaky. It hits me instantly. “Mom, I’m not feeling great. I’m going to lie down for a bit.” I don’t wait for her to speak, I just get the fuck out of there and hurry to my room on my shaky limbs.
I close my door and fall onto my bed. What a fucking day it’s been. And according to Dr. Fay, I have seven more months of hell to look forward to.
Rolling to my back, I place a hand on my st
omach. I can’t believe our child is growing here. If it weren’t for my mom, I’d probably be less freaked out about everything. I’m not ready to have a child of my own, but I already feel protective toward it. Him? Her? It feels wrong to think of our baby as an it.
My hand caresses my stomach and I just feel like it’s a girl. Until I find out otherwise, I’m going to address the baby as a girl. I smile, picturing Donovan holding a tiny newborn with a red tuft of hair sticking straight up.
I don’t know how any of this is going to work out, but I don’t have to have all the answers right now. I have seven more months to figure everything out. I already know I’ll need every freaking second of that time to prepare myself.
My mom and I have barely spoken in the past two weeks. I think our initial conversation was our last one. Now we stick to one word replies as much as possible, which works well for me. The less she complains, the happier I feel.
I’ve gotten somewhat used to the idea of becoming a mom. Well, I guess I already am a mom. But I’m becoming acquainted with the idea of taking care of, and being responsible for, a tiny little human.
I still haven’t contacted Donovan, but I had Rachel grab his phone number from Jeremy. Unfortunately, we were too busy spending time together to mess with our phones. I planned on getting all his contact info that last morning at camp, but we know how that went.
With my pregnancy ten weeks along, it’s time to reach out to him. It’ll probably be the hardest conversation I’ve had to have. It’s hard to feel a sense of urgency to do something when you know it’s going to blow their future out of the water.
I finish making an entry in my journal and head into the bathroom. When I push my pants down, I find blood. A lot of blood.
No. No. No. This is bad.
“Mom,” I shout, panicked. “Mom.”
“Piper, what’s wrong?” she yells from outside the door.
I sob. “Mom, I’m bleeding.”