by Katlyn Grace
Ethan glanced to his right at his older sister as they walked up the small cemented staircase that led to gravesites. She wore a solemn look on her face. Sara was a splitting image of their mom, Kate, and held the one characteristic that Kate always was: strong. She let her emotions and thoughts build up on the inside until she felt the need to speak her mind. It built her character, though. It made her tough. It made her someone to love so carefully.
“Mom would be proud of you, Sara.” Ethan clutched his big sister’s left hand.
Sara let a single tear trickle down her cheek as she squeezed Ethan’s hand. In her other hand, she held on tight to two bouquets of red roses.
They slowly approached their mom and Nathaniel’s grave. It’d been forever since Ethan visited. The site always made him rage with anger and sent him into depression. Today, though? He strangely felt at peace.
“They’re in a much better place.” Sara placed a bouquet of roses on both of their parent’s headstones.
Ethan let a tear fall from his own face as his jaw locked. Emotions were easier to express rather than hold back for him. There was no use for him to bottle it all up. Thoughts circled in his head.
Is it just the bones of my parents below me? Are their souls really in the unimaginable Heaven?
He wanted to believe it. He wanted so badly to believe that he would see his parents again one day.
After Hope explained her phone call to him Tuesday night, it had put Ethan on edge ever since. If it were all real, there were two places to spend his eternity. Ethan wanted to go to Heaven. He never wanted to hurt anyone or most importantly, leave life unprepared. The thought petrified him and quickened his pulse.
Why didn’t I have the faith I once possessed as a kid?
Ethan embraced Sara into a warm hug when he saw her shiver. If it wasn’t for her, he might be far worse than he was in this moment. Learning to cherish his sister hadn’t been that hard when reality hit him in the face. She was all he had left of his parents, and he would choose to love that connection with his entire heart.
She stood there in his hold during a string of silence. “Is that drawing on the wall still in Nathaniel’s office?” Sara asked, trying to lighten Ethan’s mood.
“Still there.” Ethan chuckled at the memory. At age ten, Ethan became jealous of Sara for getting all the attention after breaking her arm on the trampoline. In attempt to steal some of her glory, he’d snuck into his stepdad’s office with a permanent marker to doodle. It got everyone’s attention…that was for sure.
“Nathaniel never did want to paint over it.” Sara shoved her hands in her coat pockets.
“He secretly loved it,” Ethan added, making Sara laugh.
Sara’s smile slowly faded as she looked back down at the two graves, a symbolization of two beautiful lives. “Our parents are gone, Ethan.” Like a wave, shock hit Sara once more.
Ethan tried to stand strong for his sister by placing his hand on her shoulder. “Hey, we’re going to get through this, okay? One day at a time. Together. No more doing this alone anymore.” He wiped a wet tear from her eye with his thumb. She slowly nodded and buried her head in his chest.
Instantly, he felt like he was rolling back to the time that he never originally gave Sara. It was time to grow up and be a man. To shoulder some of her pain and take this chance to be there for his sister. From now on, he would be the brother that cared for his sister’s thoughts and emotions.
“I’m sorry, Sara.” Ethan whispered into her shoulder. He couldn’t come up with enough of apologies. He’d never been there for her. For three years, Sara had been on her own because Ethan was too selfish to think about anyone else’s feelings but his. He owed his sister so much.
Sara pulled back to look at him and her blue eyes misted. “There is no need for apologies, Ethan.”
“You are wrong. There are many reasons I should apologize and because those reasons are countless, just know that I am sincerely sorry…for everything.”
Sara sighed and let a small, half-smile form. “I know.” She gripped his hand once more and leaned on his side. “Let’s go bro, I need to get ready for work.”
Ethan nodded, took one last look at his parent’s headstones, and hesitantly walked Sara back to his truck. “Let’s do a dinner on Christmas Eve. Me, you, Hope, Mark, and Brianna. We’ll even do a gift swap.”
“As long as I can buy the gag gift.” A sly smile formed on Sara’s face, making Ethan thankful that her grim expression was beginning to lighten up.
He laughed with a nod that gave her permission. “I’ll call them and set it up.”
fifteen
E than pulled his truck in Hope’s driveway Sunday morning. Snow blanketed the ground, but the sun was out, and blue skies brightened the morning even greater. The birds chirped to an unknown melody, and to Ethan, something seemed fresh about the scenery around him. It was going to be a beautiful day; he could sense it.
Friday afternoon consisted of looking for jobs but failing to find one of his interest. That evening Hope surprised him by bringing over a homemade casserole for dinner. The sweet gesture reassured him that Hope genuinely cared for his wellbeing.
Now on the mend from her case of the flu, Ethan was happy to see her spirits liven back up. While he enjoyed her company and friendship, he wasn’t going to lie…he loved the food too.
Saturday, Ethan convinced her to go ice skating with him. Since skates were shoes that he hadn’t known how to navigate, he’d felt like a deer first learning how to walk. Thankfully, Hope helped him navigate and get on his feet, even if she did laugh at him every now and then. After they skated, he took her back to his place to get warmed up. They watched a Christmas film and he made her his mother’s homemade hot chocolate recipe. The perfect way to end a wonderful weekend.
He took another look at himself in his visor mirror before pulling the key from the ignition and hopping out of his truck. He wore simple blue jeans and a maroon sweater, not wanting to overdress, but he still put forth effort. He also spent way more time on his hair this morning than he was willing to admit.
His clammy hands shook as he approached the apartment complex and took the stairs to Hope’s door. He didn’t believe his nervousness stemmed from being in Hope’s presence. It was the fact that he would be stepping foot into a church again. Not just for counseling, but to attend an actual service.
It’s not too late to go back home.
With his feet planted in front of Hope’s apartment door, Ethan shook his head at his thought. He wanted to go. His heart felt a small tug toward church and that in itself felt enough for him this morning.
Ethan’s knuckles were knocking on the door before he could be a coward and back out. He heard Hope holler from behind the door and seconds later she swung the heavy brown door open. Struggling to strap her black heel on her left foot, she almost toppled over him with the whoosh of the door.
Ethan reached his hands out to steady her as she finished slipping her shoes on. His eyes met her glistening ones as she softly smiled. He studied what she was wearing: an emerald knee length, long sleeved velvet dress that complimented her eyes and figure. Her black heels made her just a bit taller, but Ethan’s height still towered over her. Curled today, a section of her hair was pulled back with a shiny silver barrette.
He went back to studying her gorgeous face. She didn’t wear her makeup too heavy, and Ethan appreciated that because he loved seeing her freckles in full bloom. She looked stunning.
Ethan motioned for her to spin around, and she twirled with a giggle. Once she finished her 360, she stopped to look at him. “Hi.”
Her cheeky smile made Ethan grin.
“Good morning, pretty thing.”
Hope shifted her weight from side to side. “Let me grab my coat and Bible, and I’ll be ready.” Ethan loved the fact that he could make her cheeks turn red so easily.
He nodded as Hope disappeared in her house to gather her belongings. A few minutes later, she met him back
at the door. With her keys, she locked the door.
“Ready?” He asked as his heartbeat skyrocketed at the question that felt directed more to himself than Hope.
She nodded with a simple smile and locked her left arm with his right one as he led her out the complex to his truck. “Let’s go to church.”
The choir sang effortlessly in angelic voices to Hope’s favorite song. “Your Cries Have Awoken the Master.” Goosebumps chilled their way up and down Hope’s arms and she pulled her cardigan wrap closer around her. The song rang true to the season of life she was in. Each little lyric spoke to her in numerous ways.
Hope had been praying every single night for Ethan’s relationship with God to be restored. She was clinging to God for this situation, for He was the only hope that was possible. God was hearing her desperate prayer. Hope had no doubt of it. He recognized Hope’s voice, because she was His child. This battle was almost over. God was going to bring something well out of this situation, because she cried out to Him. She could tell by the Holy Ghost bumps on her arms and by how Ethan had a desire to come with her this morning that something was going to happen.
Ethan’s hands had been shaking when they entered the church fifteen minutes ago. Hope felt his fingers go cold as he sat down in their seat when they first arrived. The welcoming church that she attended made Ethan’s nerves settle enough for him to know that they weren’t going to jump down his throat for his wrong doings. That would be hypocritical.
Hope loved her church dearly and admired the strong body of believers of all ages. It was the church she had been raised in her entire life. With deep roots bound here, she had no plan or desire to leave. Alton was home.
Sara arrived late from a night shift of work and settled in the pew directly in front of Hope and Ethan. Hope’s sister, Brianna sat to the left of Hope, her gaze settled on the choir. Her parents were here as well. Mark sat on the front pew where all the ministers sat, and his partner Brandon sat in the pew behind him. Hope truly believed she saw Brandon wink at Bri before service started. Those two were as blind as bats when it came to love.
A gentle nudge on her left shoulder took Hope back to reality. She turned to her sister who was handing her a Bible that was open to highlighted Scripture. Taking the Bible into her hands, Hope read Isaiah 40:31. She could barely see the verse through the tears that threatened their way out.
“But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.”
She gingerly handed the Bible back to Brianna. “Thank you,” Hope whispered as she wiped her eyes. Her sister could read Hope like the back of her hand. Hope needed that reassurance. Thank You, God.
Her sister returned a satisfied smile and turned her attention back on the service.
Hope glanced to her left at Ethan, who seemed to be admiring the songs that the choir sang. God was going to bring something good of today. She felt it. She just had to wait on His perfect timing. Then her strength would be renewed, and she would soar.
Ethan felt as if the stifling hot air was suffocating him. Thirty minutes had passed since the choir sang their beautiful arrangements. Bible classes were now over, and kids were back in seats with their parents. Dressed in a nice suit, Mark confidently walked up the steps of the pulpit to begin his sermon.
The adult Bible class thoroughly studied a portion of the book of Luke this morning. The many stories and accounts of Jesus all flooded back to Ethan’s memory. Jesus was a wise, strong, and courageous man. A pure example of love as He came down to earth to die for not just Ethan’s sins, but for everyone’s. Then, He arose and ascended into Heaven to prepare a place for man and God to dwell after man’s death. Ethan used to claim the same Jesus as his Savior.
What happened with his walk with the Lord? What used to be a solid walk was now a crumbled and shattered pathway. Ethan had walked away, leaving his life in fragments because he felt he didn’t have any hope. He could have held onto God after his parents’ tragic deaths, but he didn’t. With nothing but a Bible to see his reflection in, Ethan finally saw himself for who he really was without the Lord—a frail human being who thought he could shove everything away and do life on his own. How foolish.
He had been wrong for the past three years. God never left him…he left God. The guilt and realization hit him hard. His last three years could have been amazing had he not let go of God’s hand.
Ethan swallowed his dry throat, suddenly feeling nauseous.
Hope placed her small, dainty hand on the top of his rugged one. He didn’t deserve to meet a girl who genuinely cared so much about him, but he was appreciative she was placed in his life when he needed someone the most. Hope pushed her way into his life by helping him and showing him the truth, even if he didn’t particularly want it. He was falling in love with that fact.
Ethan turned his attention back on the service. Mark placed his Bible on the tall wooden podium in front of him. “If you have your Bibles with you this morning, I’d like for you to turn to Psalm 71. We’ll be looking at verses one and two.” Mark spoke as he turned the pages in his own Bible.
In all the frantic rushing he’d done this morning, Ethan had forgotten to grab his old Bible. So, Hope shared hers with him throughout the service. He noticed early on that she also noted things in the margins of her Bible. Some of her i’s were even dotted with hearts. It brought a smile to Ethan’s lips as it reminded him of his mom.
The verses Mark began to read popped out to him on the tattered pages of Hope’s Bible. She had them highlighted in a pastel pink color. “In thee, O LORD, do I put my trust: let me never be put to confusion. Deliver me in thy righteousness, and cause me to escape: incline thine ear unto me, and save me.” Mark looked up from his Bible and peered at the crowd. “The title to the message God has given me is three simple words…God, save me.”
“Life’s a battle, but the battle can be the Lord’s. The struggle may be real, but so is God. God doesn’t do anything to you, He only does things for you. I have this hope, and that hope is knowing God is in control. We need Him to rescue us! True relief does not come when the problem is resolved, because let’s be honest, problems will always be there. True relief comes from an enduring trust and hope in God’s salvation. Then, and only then, will all of our trials be resolved.” Mark paused to catch a breath.
Ethan knew the message Mark spoke wasn’t intended to be directed at him, yet he felt every ounce. The weight of Mark’s words hit hard, and Ethan knew it must have been God dealing with him in this way. Mark’s sermon was meant for Ethan, he recognized.
Firmly gripping the podium, sweat dripped from Mark’s brow. “To paraphrase a few verses taken from Psalm 62, God is my only rock and salvation. He is my defender, and I shall not be moved.
“The battle is God’s. He’s our only hope in a dimly lit world. I claim Him as my salvation. My question to you is this: Are you going to let God save your life? It’s as easy as the alphabet. A: Admit that you’re a sinner. B: Believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God. And C: Confess that Jesus is your Lord.
“If you feel that tug—If you feel your heart yearning for something more. If you feel the tears threatening to spill from your face. I can tell you this: it’s the Holy Spirit. But it’s also your choice. Will you, or will you not let God into your heart?” Mark directed his question at the church.
Ethan’s heart hammered in his chest so loud he couldn’t hear Mark’s voice. Ethan’s beautiful mom. His unfaithful biological father. The stepdad who cared for Ethan. The car accident. His parents dying in the hospital. Ethan’s alcohol addiction. Depression. Every little memory flashed through his mind at a rapid speed.
He knew what he needed to do. He could no longer fight this battle called life alone anymore. His heart thumped even harder in his chest. Life on his own was too much for him to bear. Ethan needed someone besides Hope to bring his problems to. Hope cared, but he could tell he
caused her to worry about him more than he wanted her to. He needed Someone to bring everything to, no matter the time or how big the problem was…Someone who wouldn’t be terrified of the load.
“Don’t be afraid to step out and grab God by the hand. I’ll pray with you. The whole church will pray with you, for that matter.” Mark paused. “God loves you, and He wants you.” Mark closed his Bible when he had finished up his sermon. Ethan watched him walk down the few steps of the pulpit to his seat on the front row. Piano music started to softly play, and the congregation stood to sing along to the altar call.
His head spinning in circles, the music faded away to a distant echo. Ethan warily stood with everyone else, and his knees nearly gave out from underneath of him.
Hope gripped his arm tightly to steady him. “Are you okay?” Her worried eyes studied his.
The simple question caused tears to emanate from Ethan’s eyes. He couldn’t fix his life with his own dirty hands. Before he had time to contemplate the words on his tongue, Ethan let them roll off. “Come pray with me, Hope. God’s calling me,” he whispered softly.
Hope’s beautiful green eyes glistened as she nodded. Joyful tears welled up in her eyes and she gripped Ethan’s hand in hers. Ethan stepped from the pew to the aisle, hand in hand with Hope, and God took everything from there. His knees hit the floor in front of the wooden altar and Ethan closed his eyes, not caring what other’s thought anymore. He hadn’t prayed in such a long time. He’d forgotten what it was like to talk to a living, loving, and just God.
God, I come to You humbly today, admitting that I need a Savior. You’re my only hope out of wickedness, trouble, and stress. I’ve messed up too many times to count. I have blamed You for so many things. I was in the wrong. Even if You didn’t give me a reason as to why my past was unpleasant, I should have held on to You. I trust You now with my life, Lord. Please, take me back.