Finding You

by Stella Rainbow

  I jotted down her and Angie’s number before I ended the call. Rushing back to the bedroom, I sighed in relief when my phone turned on instantly. There were a few missed calls from Luke and I ran my palm over my face before playing the one voicemail he’d left.

  “I’m sorry, Scott. I didn’t want to hide it from you but I should’ve known better, right? Everyone has their limits. Don’t worry, I won’t hurt myself.” His dry, humorless chuckle was so unlike him it brought tears to my eyes. “I’m gonna go out for a bit. I’ll move out if you want me to. As I told you in the beginning, I understand. But...I don’t think I can stop loving you. Thank you for everything.”

  “You idiot. After everything, how could you believe I’d want that? How could you not know how much I love you?” I mumbled, wiping the tears away. When I found him, I’d knock some sense into that brain of his. Where could he be? Considering he wasn’t a fan of crowds, he’d probably go somewhere he was comfortable at. Maybe Angie’s place? But wouldn’t she be at work?

  I dialed Luke’s number as I thought, but as I’d suspected, his phone had been turned off. Sighing, I dialed Angie’s number.

  “Who’s this?” Angie’s no-nonsense voice answered after a few rings.

  “Angie, this is Scott. Do you know where Luke is?”

  “He isn’t home?” The worry in her voice was immediate and apparent.

  “No, do you know where he could be? He wasn’t in the mood for company.”

  “When is he ever?” Angie tried to joke but the worry was clear in her voice. “Um, let me think. He wouldn’t go to mine or Mama D’s house because we’re both at work, wouldn’t have gone to the NGO because there are too many people...Oh! There’s this old park near the theaters. We found it when we’d been driving around looking for parking. Luke likes to go there sometimes. Just drive by the theater’s front for a few blocks and you’ll find it. Let me know if you find him. I’ll think of any other place he could be and let you know.”

  And she was gone. I didn’t care because I was already in the car and driving towards the park. By the time I reached the place I’d steeled myself for more worrying in case he wasn’t there. I wasn’t sure what I’d do if he was there, but all I cared about at that moment was finding him. There was no other car there but that wasn’t surprising since Luke would’ve taken a bus.

  A breathe whooshed out of me when I spotted Luke sitting on the far side of the park, facing away from the gate. I jogged towards him but when I was a few paces away, I couldn’t stop myself from speaking, “You idiot!” Okay, I guess that’s how we were starting.

  Luke whirled around to face me, stumbling to his feet. His eyes were wide in surprise and red from crying, but the hint of fear in them made me stop a few steps away from him. He looked away from me before pulling his sleeves forward nervously, his lower lip quivering. “I-I’ll move out soon, I promise. I can- I can stay at Angie’s if you-”

  “Do you really think so little of me, of my love for you?” My voice was a whisper, but he heard me and stopped speaking before meeting my eyes, his brows furrowed in confusion.

  I took a step forward, making sure he knew what I was doing because I never wanted him to fear me. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry I acted the way I did this morning, but Luke. You have to trust me. Trust me when I say I love you. Trust me when I say that nothing will change that fact. Trust me when I say that I only see strength, bravery and a beautiful man with a beautiful heart when I look at you. Please.”

  Luke’s mouth dropped open in shock and if it hadn’t been such a serious moment, I would’ve laughed at his expression. “You do? Even after…” He rubbed his wrist as if reminding me of what he’d told me.

  “Yes. Even after that. I can’t imagine what kind of hell you’ve been through, Luke. But I want to make sure you never have to experience anything like that ever again. I want to fill your life with joy and happiness and be there with you through the dark times. I’m not going anywhere and I want you to stay with me. Will you?” I asked, extending my hand, palm up for him to take.

  I held my breath as he gazed into my eyes for a bit as if to make sure I really meant it before taking my hand. I pulled him into a hug and held him tightly, burying my face in his silky raven hair that smelt faintly of strawberry. With him secure in my arms, I finally breathed a huge sigh of relief.

  23 | Luke

  As Scott drove home, I thought about what had happened. Now that he was back and the pain and anxiety were gone, I realized how stupid I’d been in jumping to conclusions. I’d let my fears get the better of me, again. I’d let them dominate my thoughts make me believe that Scott had left, when my heart had known he’d never do that.

  I turned to face him, squeezing his knee before I spoke, “I’m sorry. I-I do trust you, Scott. More than anyone else. The logical part of me knew you’d never do that to me, but when you left, the fear took over. It’s such a dark place.” My voice broke but I pushed through, wanting him to understand, “It hurt so bad and all I could think was that I’d been left, again. And then the dark thoughts started. That I deserved it. How could I ever have thought I could be happy? Why would you stay when everyone leaves me?”

  “Luke, I’d never-”

  “I know, Scott. I know. But when the dark thoughts take over nothing makes sense other than the fact that I don’t deserve good things and that everyone leaves. Those thoughts scare the shit out of me, Scott. And I don’t want to hear them again.” My voice was barely a whisper at this point, but of course, Scott heard everything.

  “You won’t.” The conviction in his voice made me smile and squeeze his knee in a silent thank you.

  “Will you find that therapist for me? I want to get better. I don’t want the dark thoughts to ever come between us again.”

  “Of course, Lu. I’ll do it later today, okay?”

  I nodded my head. I was finally ready to try to get better. I didn’t want to lose Scott and if that meant trusting someone with all the shit in my life, then so be it.

  By the time we reached home, I was so damn tired. All I wanted to do was cuddle up with Scott and maybe get a nap. As if he’d read my mind, Scott said, “Why don’t you pick a movie to watch? I’ll make some hot chocolate for us.”

  I nodded, but before all that, I needed something. I opened my arms and because Scott knew me so well, he didn’t hesitate before pulling me into a warm embrace that melted all my remaining stress.

  “I won’t let the dark thoughts win again, Scott. I promise,” I mumbled against his neck.

  “I know, Luke. I know. And for the record, I left this morning because of me, not you. I didn’t sleep much last night because I was hurting for you, for all the pain you’d had to feel. And then when you told me that I could’ve lost you before even finding you? That there was a high chance I’d have never met you, never fallen in love with you? Well, that overwhelmed me so much and I felt as if I couldn’t breathe because I couldn’t imagine my life without you. That’s why I left. It was a dick move, I know, and I’m sorry.”

  I pulled back slowly and took his face in my hands like he held mine so many times. “I know. I understand that now. I’m sorry I reacted that way. And for what it’s worth, I’m glad I failed all those times. If surviving all the shit life threw at me was the only way I could find you, then I’m glad I fought through. Because you mean everything to me and finding you was so worth it.”

  I pressed my lips to his and kissed him. I didn’t keep it soft and gentle though. I let him feel all the love I had for him in the most intense way. I traced his lip with my tongue and he opened his mouth to me almost instantly. My tongue tangled with his, tasting him, absorbing the low moans he couldn’t stop himself from uttering. My hands roamed on his sides, pulling him closer to me while his fingers played with my hair. He pulled away slowly, resting his forehead against mine as we both tried to catch our breaths.

  “Wow,” he exhaled after a minute, a dopey grin on his face as he raised his eyes to meet mine.<
br />
  “Yeah.” I pressed a soft kiss against his nose before pulling away.

  “I love you, Lu.”

  “I love you, too, Scott. Now get me that hot choco you promised.”

  The next Friday we were on our way to my first therapy appointment with one Monica Freeman. Scott had made an appointment the same day I’d asked him to, and I knew I could trust him in choosing a nice therapist for me. But that didn’t mean I wasn’t freaking out.

  I wiped my sweaty palms on my thighs for the tenth time as I gazed out the window, chewing my lower lip as I tried to keep my breathing steady. I did not want to deal with a panic attack on top of everything.

  Scott grabbed my hand in his and gave in a reassuring squeeze. “It’ll be okay.”

  I nodded and closed my eyes, taking in a deep breath before letting it go. I could do this.

  “We’re here,” Scott said after a few minutes and my eyes snapped open. Oh my god, I couldn’t do this.

  My heart started racing again at the thought of going in there and spewing all my shit in front of another stranger and god, I couldn’t do this. I tried to control my breathing because I knew I was at the edge of a panic attack but I couldn’t.

  I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t go in there and trust another stranger just to have them break it again. I couldn’t share all my demons again, I didn’t want to talk about them. I wanted to let them all stay buried where I’d kept them for a year. I didn’t want to deal with this. I couldn’t deal with this.

  “Luke, listen to me. Come on, babe, focus on my voice,” I heard Scott say but his voice was so far away. Where was he? Why was he doing this to me? A whimper escaped my lips as I tried to do something. Leave. I had to leave.

  Suddenly, my hand was pressed against something warm and I heard Scott’s voice again, “Focus on my breathing, Lu. Breathe with me, please.”

  I pressed my hand closer to his chest and tried to copy his steady breathing, breathing in when he did and letting out my breath with him. I copied him a few times, until my heart started to slow down its mad thundering and I was able to breathe properly.

  “Luke, what’s the color of my eyes?” I frowned at Scott’s out of the blue question but answered him.

  “Chocolate brown.”

  Scott smiled softly and nodded before asking, “And my hair?”

  “Golden brown.”

  “The color of the car seat?”

  “Gray. Why are you asking me so many questions?”

  Scott grinned and shook his head. “Are you feeling better now?”

  I realized that in answering his questions I’d pretty much calmed down completely and my panic was almost gone. I was still anxious about my therapy meeting, but it was more of a general nervousness now.

  “Thank you.”

  Scott leaned over the console and pressed a soft kiss on my forehead. “Anytime. Now, shall we?”

  I nodded as he pulled away and got out of the car. We walked into the building and took the elevator to the fifth floor, which was where the therapist’s office was. We arrived just a few minutes before my appointment, so we didn’t have to wait long, for which I was thankful.

  When the receptionist called my name, I stood up on shaky legs. Scott pulled me into a hug and I tried to soak up some comfort from his warmth. “I’ll be right here waiting for you, okay? We’ll go home and cuddle with Tressa and read, yeah?”

  I nodded and he pressed another kiss on my forehead before letting me go. I took a deep breath before walking through the short hallway and into the room at the other end. The room I stepped into wasn’t very big, but it looked comfy, for which I was thankful. My last therapist’s office had been extremely clinical and I’d rather there were no similarities between the two.

  There was a huge window on the wall opposite the doorway and a comfortable looking couch set against the wall there. One wall was covered in a bookshelf and though I wanted to take a closer look at that, I stopped myself as my eyes fell on the woman sitting on the armchair beside the couch. She looked to be in her early fifties, with short black hair interspersed with a few gray strands and warm brown eyes that matched her skin color perfectly. She gave me a warm smile, her eyes crinkling as laugh lines bracketed the corners of her lips and some of the tension left my body. Her smile and the warmth in her eyes reminded me of Scott and that gave me the strength to walk towards her. She gestured towards the couch and I took a seat, playing with the hem of my sleeve as I waited for her to speak. I’d worn my gray jumper because I’d been so nervous as it was and I didn’t need the added stress of her possibly seeing my scars on top of that. I knew I’d have to talk about them sometime, but I’d prefer to not do it on our first meeting.

  “Good evening, my name’s Monica Freeman. It’s nice to meet you.”

  I shook her hand and introduced myself, “Luke Smith.”

  “So, Luke, tell me about yourself.”

  I’d decided right before we left that I’d be completely forthcoming this time around, or as much as I could be. I didn’t want to do the weeks worth of trust building only to have it thrown into my face again. Also, I was going to trust Scott’s judgment and trust this woman until and unless she gave me a reason not to. So I took a deep breath and spoke, keeping my voice as steady as I possibly could.

  “I’m twenty two, a junior editor at the Voice Out magazine. When I was seventeen, my parents kicked me out for being gay. I hadn’t planned on telling them but they found out anyway and threw me out. I spent a year drifting from shelter home to shelter home until I met my ex a few weeks after my eighteenth birthday. He charmed me and made me believe he loved me and before I knew it I was living with him. I dated him for almost a year before I realized the kind of person he actually was. I tried leaving him but he couldn’t accept that so he locked me up in his spare room. I was there for two years, and he’d…use me whenever he felt like it. Last year, his maid accidentally discovered me and called the cops. My ex is in jail now and here I am, still dealing with all the shit he did to me.” I stopped speaking and took a deep breath as I wiped my sweaty palms on my jeans. I hadn’t told some of that to even Scott, or maybe I had, I couldn’t remember clearly.

  “Can I ask you a question, Luke?”

  I nodded without looking at her, steeling myself for whatever psychoanalysis she’d done of me.

  “Can I ask why it took you a year to get therapy?” There was a suspicious lilt to her voice that made me look up at her.

  “Um, I did get therapy when I first got out of the hospital, but my therapist…wasn’t a good man.”

  Her eyes narrowed as she twirled a pen between two of her fingers and asked me, “Are you talking about Bill Walker?”

  I froze at the fact that she knew him, my heart starting to race as I readied myself to get out of there. The fact that Scott was waiting for me just outside was the only thing that helped me stay steady enough to ask with an even voice, “You…you know him?”

  Monica shook her head, giving me a smile, “Oh no, I’ve never met the man, but D told me about him a few months ago.”

  “You know Mama D?” I asked, the thought calming me almost instantly. If the two people I loved the most trusted this woman, then I had no reason to doubt her, right?

  “I’ve known her and Ryan since we were kids.”

  “That’s awesome.” I sighed. Ryan was Mama D’s husband, and watching the two together always warmed my heart because they were such a perfect example of soul mates.

  “Alright, now. Let’s talk about you.”

  I sighed and readied myself for the session. I hoped I’d get a lot of Scott snuggles later on because I had a feeling I’d need them.

  24 | Scott

  The moment the office door opened I was out of my seat and walking towards Luke. I pulled him into a hug as soon as he stepped out of the hallway and squeezed him tightly to me. I held him for a long minute before pulling back and examining his face. His eyes were shadowed, without their usual sparkle and I knew i
t was my job now to bring that brightness back and it was a job I’d only be too happy to do.

  “How about we head home and cuddle with Tressa and eat a shit ton of ice cream while watching Friends?” I suggested and Luke looked up at me with a small smile.

  “That sounds perfect.”

  The drive home was quiet, and I let Luke gather his thoughts because I felt like maybe he needed some alone time and honestly, this was all the space I’d be able to give him for now. The thought of leaving him alone didn’t sit well with me in the slightest and even now, I had a firm grip on his hand as I drove one-handed. Over the last six months—it was hard to believe it had been six whole months since Luke came into my life—I’d found out so much about Luke’s past and every new detail made me hurt just that much more for my beautiful man. He’d dealt with so much, was still dealing with so much and I was always in awe of his strength, even if he had a hard time believing it. I wasn’t sure if I’d have been able to survive everything he had and still remain the person I’d been. I knew there was a lot to Luke I still didn’t know, but I was looking forward to knowing everything about him because I definitely planned to stick around for as long as he wanted me to.

  Once we were home, I situated Luke on the couch and told him to stay put as I rushed into my bedroom and grabbed my comforter before getting the Tupperware I’d picked up from Mama D on my lunch break. When I got into the living room, Tressa was seated at the top of the backrest, licking Luke’s temple. Luke’s face was scrunched up in dismay even as he giggled and the sound made me smile. “Look at the two of you. Did the party start without me?”

  I made my way to the couch and with a little maneuvering I managed to lay down and pull Luke into my side and cover the both of us with the comforter. I handed him the ice cream tub and grabbed the remote, quickly opening Netflix and starting the first episode of Season six.