Finding You

by Stella Rainbow

  “I can see that. You two are perfect for each other.”

  I gave her a smile, unsure what to say to that. Scott was perfect for me, but he could have probably found someone better than me for himself. Not that I didn’t believe in his love for me, because I did, but I also knew there were a lot of guys out there who had much less issues and baggage than me.

  “Ever since he lost his godfather, Scott turned into a loner. Mike somehow managed to stick around and so did we, but I think after losing three people you loved, it gets difficult to be able to give that love to someone else again. I’d worried that Scott would never be able to bring himself to love someone again, which is why I’m so happy he found you. Take good care of him, okay?”

  I nodded, even as I mulled over her words. Scott had told me about losing his parents and then his godfather, but I hadn’t really realized how deep the scars went. Maybe I was perfect for Scott, in my own way. Maybe, in helping me deal with my issues Scott had unknowingly overcome some of his own and let himself love someone else again. Maybe, if I hadn’t needed him as much as I had, he would’ve found a way to pull away before his feelings for me developed too much.

  “Dinner time!” Scott called from the kitchen, and I shook off the thoughts as Mia hopped to her feet and was out of the room before we could stand up. Rochelle shook her head before standing up herself and I followed her into the kitchen. The fragrance of all the food combined was heavenly and my eyes roved over the dining table. God, I’d missed Thanksgiving dinners. From all of the time I’d spent with my parents, Thanksgiving and Christmas were the days I missed the most. Maybe now that I had a family in Scott again, I’d get a chance to celebrate all those days again.

  Once I was seated beside Scott, my eyes roamed over all the dishes. There was the traditional Turkey in the place of pride at the center of the table, with all the side-dishes set around it. I could see mashed potatoes, gravy, rolls, cranberries and pumpkin pie. There was also a small bowl of Mac n’ Cheese that I presumed was Mia’s pick.

  “Everything looks delicious, guys,” Scott echoed my thoughts.

  “I made the turkey,” Mike declared proudly and I chuckled.

  “Me and mommy made all the other dishes! But mostly me!” Mia piped up from her seat and we all laughed at how similar the dad-daughter duo was.

  “Okay, okay. So, before we begin, we have a tradition of sharing what we’re thankful for this year. You don’t have to, of course, but everyone, feel free to share! Who wants to go first?” Rochelle asked and Mia’s hand shot up into the air.

  “I’m thankful that my arm doesn’t hurt anymore and I can play and color again,” Mia said, making me smile.

  “Okay, me next. I’m thankful that…I got a promotion!” Rochelle said and everyone burst into congratulations while Mike pulled his wife into a hug before kissing her. It looked like even he’d been kept in the dark.

  Once everyone had returned to their seats, Scott spoke up, “Okay, my turn. I’m thankful that Luke found me when he did. I’d been content to stay alone forever because I couldn’t bear the thought of losing someone I cared about again. But then Luke showed up in my life and before I knew it I was in love with him. I can’t imagine my life without you now, Luke and I’m so fu-freaking grateful to have you as my partner.”

  I blinked my eyes repeatedly so I wouldn’t end up crying before I managed to speak, “I’m thankful that I found you, too. I didn’t think anyone would love me after everything I’d been through. I didn’t think I could love anyone after everything. And you proved me wrong on both fronts. And I’m so thankful you did. I can’t imagine my life without you either.”

  Scott leaned forward and kissed my forehead softly. It took me a moment to remember where we were and I blushed as I realized his friends heard everything. I peeked at them with my head lowered and saw Rochelle wiping at her eyes.

  “My turn!” Mike said and everyone turned towards him, “I’m thankful that I’m celebrating this day with my family and I’m hoping we’ll celebrate together for the years to come. And, I’m also thankful that I’m the one who cooked the turkey because we all know Roch is not the chef of the house.” He ended with a grin and we laughed. I could see why Scott and Mike got along so well. They were both so good at making people feel at home.

  The dinner was full of laughter and delicious food, followed by dessert in the form of pumpkin pie. I wasn’t a fan of pumpkin pies, but whatever Rochelle had done to it had made it a hundred times more delicious. She may not be a cook, but she was a damn good baker.

  When it was time to leave, I was full and almost too sleepy to get up. Mia had fallen asleep in my lap as we watched TV while the others cleaned up and it took a lot of maneuvering to lay her down on the couch without waking her. I tucked the blanket around her before standing up and turning around, only to come face to face with Scott.

  “Hey, ready to head home?”

  I nodded and he took my hand before leading me into the kitchen where Rochelle and Mike were finishing up. “Hey guys, thanks for dinner. We’re heading out now.”

  Rochelle walked towards us before hugging us one by one. Mike gave Scott a one armed hug and shook my hand. “Thanks for coming over. We’ll see you both again soon, yeah?”

  I nodded. I’d liked hanging out with all of them and I was looking forward to doing it again, preferably in a much more casual atmosphere. “Mia’s asleep on the couch. I tucked her in as best I could.”

  Rochelle gave me a bright smile as she said, “Thanks, Luke. I’ll check in on her in a bit.”

  “Okay, time to go!” Scott announced and after a round of good nights, we left the apartment. By the time we got into the car, I was dead on my feet.

  “Did you have fun?” Scott asked as he started the car.

  “Yeah, I loved hanging out with them. Especially Mia.”

  “I’m glad.” Scott said as he squeezed my hand. Halfway through the drive, I fell asleep with my hand still holding on to Scott’s tightly.

  27 | Luke

  I slumped on the couch and wondered if I could nap for a while. I needed to get dinner ready, but maybe I could squeeze in a short nap. I was pretty sure Scott wouldn’t mind getting take out anyway, since he kept insisting that I was spoiling him with all the homemade food.

  My phone buzzed just as I was about to force myself to get up and change. I pulled it out of my pocket and all thoughts of sleeping flew out of my head when I saw who was calling. My hands started shaking and I barely managed to receive the call.

  “H-hello?” My heart was thundering in my chest as I waited for an answer. Why would the DA’s office be calling me unless it had something to do with him?

  “Hello, am I speaking to Mr. Luke Smith?”

  “Yes.”

  “Mr. Smith, this is Matthew Norman from the DA’s office. I’m sorry for calling this late but I thought it’d be a good idea to let you know.”

  “Let me know what?” My voice was a whisper, and in my heart, I was praying that Marcus was dead and I’d never have to see him again. Please let it be good news.

  “Uh, Marcus Frazier is being released on parole in a week.” Marcus had gotten off with a seven year sentence because his lawyer had managed to convince the jury that I’d been with him of my own free will. And now he was getting out after only spending a year and half in jail?

  “Oh.” No. No. That could not be happening.

  I didn’t remember ending the call. Or getting up from the couch. My thoughts were muddled together and it took me a moment to realize that I was pacing in front of the kitchen counter. If he got out, he would come looking me. I was sure he would.

  Even though I tried to stop them, the awful memories attacked me, the threats ringing in my ears along with the ghosts of various pains he’d inflicted over me.

  You’re never leaving me, boy.

  If you ever try to run, I’ll find you. And once I do, it’ll be so much worse than this.

  No one touches this body but me, go
t it? You’re my slut and if you let anyone even close enough to touch you, it’d be hell for you, but even worse for him. Remember that.

  I froze. Scott. I couldn’t let him hurt Scott. But how would I stop him? He was a monster and he had already broken me enough for me to know that there was no way. If he found me, he would hurt me, but he would hurt Scott too. And I couldn’t let that happen.

  My eyes fell to the knife stand and the thought popped into my head. If I wasn’t here, if I was gone forever, then he’d never find me. And he’d have no reason to hurt Scott.

  Before I knew it, I had the knife in my hand. It had been more than a year since I’d last cut myself. I hadn’t even had the urge to do it once these past few months, despite all the nightmares, despite all the therapy sessions that dragged up all the awful memories I’d been trying so hard to keep buried. And the only reason for that was Scott. Scott always being there for me when I woke up from a nightmare. Scott waiting outside the therapist’s office every session with a promise of ice cream and movies and cuddling.

  I owed everything to Scott. It was that thought that made me grip the knife tighter and head to the bathroom. I sank to the floor with my back to the sink and wondered if Scott would hate me. He had become the one person I could always trust in such a short time, and I loved him. I loved him so much. Which was why I would do this. I’d rather die than let the man I loved get hurt because of me.

  I placed the blade on my wrist and took a deep breath. “I’m so sorry, Scott.” I pressed down, but then a thought made me stop. I didn’t want to hurt Scott, but wouldn’t this hurt him too? I knew he loved me just as much as I loved him. What would it do to him to come home and find me dead in the bathroom? I couldn’t do that to him. Especially after I knew how much he was still scared of losing another loved one. I could not break him like that. He’d told he couldn’t live through another loss like that and I believed him. I wouldn’t break him like that. I couldn’t. Scott was kind and sweet and gentle and whole and I would not be the one to change that. I wouldn’t.

  But I needed an out all the same. An out for all this fear and anxiety that was wreaking havoc inside me. Just a little cut, just enough to distract me from the pain and fear I was feeling. I turned the blade and broke my year-long streak and sliced down my forearm. I breathed out at that moment after the cut when the skin played catch up and then the blood was there, bubbling out of the cut, I watched the blood seep out, and a calm fog spread over my mind. I could feel all the pain and all those feelings drain out of me. I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply, enjoying the few minutes of respite before the pain would reappear.

  28 | Scott

  I stepped into the apartment and frowned. I’d expected Luke to be home already, cooking in the kitchen and singing along to the radio as he usually was. But there was complete silence in the house. Maybe he’d had to stay late at work or something. I tried not to worry but I did it anyway. Luke would’ve texted me if he was going to be late, right?

  I looked around the room and saw that the bedroom door was closed. Was he in there?

  Before I could check it out, I heard a thump from the hall bathroom, followed by a clatter. I walked towards the open door, shrugging my coat off and throwing it on the couch on my way.

  “Luke-” I gasped as my eyes fell on the blood. So much blood. I was about to ask him what had happened when my eyes fell to the knife lying near his right hand and the slice on his left hand. He’d cut himself.

  I fell to my knees, not giving a shit about the blood. “Lu, are you okay?” Luke squeezed his eyes shut but didn’t say anything. I got up, pulling him with me by his shoulders and led him to the stool by the sink. “Sit.”

  He sat down, though his eyes were still closed. My eyes burned as I grabbed the first aid box from the cabinet as my mind raced, trying to figure out what had gone wrong. We’d had dinner with Mike and his family on Thursday, and even after Luke’s therapy appointment last Friday, He’d been pretty upbeat. Same for this morning. Did something happen at work?

  I pulled his arm up, examining the cut and wondered if it’d need stitches.

  “It’s not deep,” Luke mumbled, though his eyes were still closed and his cheeks wet with tears. I cleaned the cut with alcohol wipes and grabbed some butterfly stitches, carefully applying them across the length of the cut. I wrapped it up with gauze and then I was done. But what did I say now? I couldn’t ignore this, but I also didn’t want to force him to talk. Thankfully, he took the decision out of my hands by speaking up.

  “I’m so sorry, Scott. I know you probably hate me but I’m so sorry. I-I just didn’t know what to do when the DA called. I was so scared and I didn’t want to hurt you but I couldn’t deal with it and-” His eyes were still closed, his head hanging as if he expected me to shout at him. I grabbed his uninjured hand and pulled him to his feet. Then I led him outside the bathroom because I didn’t want to be looking at the blood anymore.

  Once we were in the living room, I pulled Luke into my arms, holding him to me as he sobbed quietly. “You’re an idiot if you think I could ever hate you, Lu. You mean everything to me. Yes, I hate watching you like this but only because you’re hurting and I don’t know how to help. I don’t hate you, Lu. How could I, when I’m so in love with you?”

  Luke leaned back then, though his arms stayed around me. Even with tears running down his face, he was the most gorgeous man I’d ever met. I tucked his hair behind his ears as he stared at me, relief pouring out of him in waves. “You do? Even after…” His voice was a breathy gasp as if he couldn’t bring himself to believe what I’d just said.

  I wiped his tears with my thumbs, and looking into his gray eyes, I repeated what I’d said before, “I love you, Lu. And my love for you is not conditional. I’m not going to suddenly stop loving because of something. Yes, I hate watching you hurting, but that just makes me want to hold you closer and make sure you’re not hurting anymore.”

  Luke stared at me for a second more before leaning up on his toes and pressing his lips to mine. The kiss was soft and gentle, just like it always was with us, just like I loved kissing him. His lips were even softer from crying, and I traced them with my tongue, tasting the salt of his tears. I pulled back after a minute and grabbing his hand, I led him to the couch. I lay down, bloody jeans and all and gestured for him to climb up. He lay down over me, his favorite type of cuddling, and pressed his face into the crook of my neck. I pulled his hair away from my mouth and curled my arms around him.

  I waited for him to tell me what was wrong because I knew he would once he could deal with it. “I love you so much, Scott Riley.” Luke’s voice was soft as he spoke and he smiled at me before burying his face in my neck again and taking a deep breath. That was one of his tells. I knew he was bracing himself to tell me whatever it was that had happened. I tightened my hold on him in support.

  “The DA called. Marcus is getting out in a week.” I felt the shudder that ran through him and pressed a kiss to the top of his head. I didn’t know how long his sentence had been, but it looked pretty short to me. Was he getting off early for some reason or other? A parole maybe? That didn’t matter right now, though. What mattered was making sure Luke felt okay.

  “Is that why…” I started to ask but then trailed off. What could I say? Is that why you were cutting yourself?

  “When I was with him, he told me he’d find me if I ever ran away. And that he’d make me suffer for it.”

  “Oh Luke, you know I’d do anything to keep you safe, right?”

  “I know,” he mumbled against my skin, “but he told me that if I...if I was ever with someone else he’d hurt them too. I don’t want him to hurt you.”

  “Lu, don’t worry about me, okay? I can take care of myself.” I couldn’t imagine how scared Luke must’ve been when he’d got the call. I wished I could’ve been there for him even though I knew it wasn’t possible for me to always be there with him.

  “I was so scared, and I thought-I thought that
if I wasn’t here, he’d have no reason to hurt you. But I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want to hurt you.”

  “Oh, Luke…” I whispered, burying my face in his hair and breathing in his scent. My heart was thundering in my chest and I was sure he could hear it. He’d been meaning to kill himself? What if he’d been too panicked to realize he’d hurt me? Would he have done it then? Would I have come home to him bled out in the bathroom?

  My hands were shaking when I caressed his cheek and tipped his chin so he’d look up at me. “Promise me something. Promise me you’ll never try to kill yourself again. If you ever-if you ever feel like that, you call me, okay? You talk to me, okay? Or you call Monica, if you don’t want to talk to me. I can’t,” I took a deep breath and cleared my throat, “I can’t bear to lose you, Lu. I can’t. So promise me that.” I couldn’t lose another person I loved. I wouldn’t be able to survive that. I wouldn’t be able to survive losing Luke.

  Luke’s eyes were shining with tears and I was sure mine were too. “I promise.”

  “Good.” I said, squeezing him to me and never wanting to let go. “Good. And we’ll deal with this together, alright?”

  “Together,” Luke replied with a nod, holding on to me just as tightly. He was my everything and there was no way I’d let that piece of crap hurt him more than he already had.

  29 | Scott

  It was a week before Christmas and Luke had a surprise for me. At least, that’s what he told me before ordering me to get dressed and then promptly dragging me to my car. I’d rarely seen him looking so excited about something, so it obviously wasn’t a hardship to do exactly what he told me to.

  “Take the next right,” Luke told me as he used his phone to navigate. Once we arrived at our destination, I looked at the three storey building we’d stopped in front of. It looked like a commercial building with a couple of signs on different levels, but my eyes fell on one of the shops in the first floor.