Shutdown

by Heather Anastasiu

  It was what Adrien had said back when we were in the wilderness, and it struck me as just as wrong now. Or maybe the truth was, I simply had no idea how to do that. Just live. I didn’t know how people, free people, were supposed to live. There had been some kind of normal for humankind back when it was free hundreds of years ago. Then there had been the normal of drone existence. Normal for me had been all about my life with Adrien and fighting so that we could have a real future together. I’d always wanted to free the drones too, but at my core, it had been a very personal mission. I was fighting so that I and the ones I loved could live free.

  And now?

  Ginni tried to wave me over to sit with her, but I shook my head and went over to the corner where my med container was. I sat down with my back against it. I ate several spoonfuls of stew, barely noticing that it burned my mouth it was so hot.

  I finally put down the bowl and looked across the room at Adrien, who sat eating on his cot, still reading from his tablet. He hadn’t spoken to me all day. I moved my hand from my bowl to massage my aching chest. It hurt so much it felt like my heart was literally breaking. Because I loved him, both who he had been and who he was now. I loved all of him, and always would. But my love for him was only an incomplete half of a whole. He didn’t love me back, and that meant the jagged gash that had been punched through my heart would bleed forever.

  It didn’t matter, I tried to tell myself. After our time in the wilderness, I believed more than ever that Adrien was going to be okay. Maybe if there was any hope at all, it was in that. He could live a full life now. A life without me.

  The vote had sounded like a firm answer. Like it was settled. But seeing Henk stomp out of the room like that, I knew it wasn’t. And City had been right too. I wasn’t fit to lead, not when I’d always been such a danger to everyone around me. If I accidently caused another earthquake once my telek energy replenished fully, I could lead the Chancellor right to them all over again. I wouldn’t let that happen. It was the same realization I’d had after the first quake. I’d ignored it or been too tired to think about anything other than getting to safety the past couple weeks. But the danger of my presence still remained. There was only one thing to do.

  It would be my last gift to the ones that I loved.

  I would leave them.

  Chapter 22

  EARLY THE NEXT AFTERNOON, I sat down beside Henk on his bottom bunk as he sipped a large cup of coffee. “I need to talk to you.”

  He winced at my words and put a hand to his forehead. “A little softer, love. My head’s pounding.”

  I leaned in, worried. He’d slept in till almost noon, then had barely spoken a word to anyone while he warmed up his coffee.

  “What’s wrong with you?” I asked. He looked more ragged than usual. The circles under his eyes were dark and the scruff on his cheeks heavier.

  Henk ran a hand over his face. “It’s nothin’ that won’t heal with a few cups of coffee.”

  He seemed to sense that I still wasn’t catching his meaning. He sighed. “I got piss-faced drunk last night after the vote. I keep a stash of gin on the transport.”

  So that was where he’d disappeared to after he’d stalked out last night. A few people had whispered at breakfast about him stumbling in right before sunrise.

  “Well, no more of that,” I said, my voice severe. “I need you alert. I wanted to leave tonight, but not if you’re in this condition.”

  “Leave where?” he asked. Several people around us looked our way and I shushed him.

  “It’s not safe for everyone if I stay here.” I kept my voice low.

  He looked like he was about to object, but I silenced him with a look. Slowly, he nodded. “Guess that might be true.”

  “So I need you to drop me somewhere. And Henk,” I put a hand gently on his forearm, “I’ll do what I can to free Jilia and the others.”

  His head shot up in surprise, his eyes wide. “You will?”

  I nodded. “The Chancellor has my brother too.” Then I looked around furtively. “But don’t tell anyone. I don’t want anyone to know until I’m gone.”

  He stared at me, frowning, but then finally nodded his head.

  “Lunch is ready!” Rand’s voice boomed throughout the room and Henk winced again.

  I looked at Henk one last time. “We’ll leave early tomorrow morning then. It will probably be good for me to get another day of nutrition and rest anyway.”

  I stood up and headed toward the kitchen area. With nothing to do all day, mealtimes had turned into big events because they broke up the monotony. But unlike the past few days, no one was laughing or joking today. Several others had gathered around to get their sandwiches, but I noticed they weren’t crowded haphazardly together like yesterday. Everyone bunched up according to how they’d voted last night. Half filled their plates and sat at one end of the room and the others arranged themselves at the opposite side.

  I sighed, half tempted to go back into the container to see how many more hours I could manage to sleep before having to face real life again.

  But I couldn’t avoid being awake forever. Surely that was a lesson I’d learned by now. Life wasn’t always pleasant, but you couldn’t hide from it. Not in sleep, not in the Link. And this was my last day to be with my friends. I didn’t want to sleep through it.

  I made a quick sandwich by tossing a protein patty and some sliced tomatoes between two pieces of fresh-baked bread. I looked back and forth between the two groups. I guessed, according to my vote last night, I should go sit by Ginni and Juan.

  But then I looked over at the other group. Xona was watching me. Adrien sat on the other side of Cole.

  Ginni came running up from behind me. “Come sit with us,” she said, her voice falsely bright. I let her drag me over to the group sitting nearest the kitchen.

  “They’re a bunch of cowards,” Juan said to the others sitting with him. “Too afraid to risk their own precious necks.”

  I sat down cross-legged and put my plate in my lap. I thought about what Xona had said to me in the plane. I wondered if she’d explained her reasoning to everyone, or if it wasn’t common knowledge. I glanced over my shoulder at the other group. If that was the case, it wasn’t my place to share what her brother had made her promise.

  “And now Molla’s out there all alone, probably terrified.” Juan put down his half-eaten sandwich as if he wasn’t hungry anymore.

  “Molla won’t be scared if she’s under the Chancellor’s compulsion,” I said, hoping that offered a bizarre sort of comfort. “And maybe the Chancellor has kept them all together. Ginni said they’re all in the same compound. Jilia would take care of Molla.”

  “I just can’t believe the others voted not to go back for them,” Juan said.

  “I know!” Ginni piped in. “Especially Xona. It’s her brother—”

  “Don’t judge her so harshly, Ginns,” I said. “She’s your friend.”

  Ginni didn’t look mollified. “A friend who apparently would leave me behind to save herself without a second thought.”

  “You haven’t spent your life on the run like she has,” I said. “And as much as I don’t like it, maybe she’s right. What would an all-out assault on the Chancellor’s personal compound accomplish except getting you killed or captured under her compulsion, and lost yourselves?”

  “I could make sure the Chancellor was away when we attacked,” Ginni said, speaking so quickly in her eagerness that her words tripped over one another. “With all our Gifts, Henk’s stockade of weapons, and with you, we’d have a fighting chance at freeing them.”

  “But there’s still so much that could go wrong—”

  “Are you suddenly switching sides or something?” Ginni’s eyes narrowed.

  I munched on a bite of my sandwich before responding. “No, I’m on your side. But I’m also on Xona’s. The three of us have become best friends, just like you hoped when we first became roommates.” I put the bowl down. “I hate to see this come
between you.”

  Ginni hesitated a moment, then spoke firmly. “As soon as she sees reason, I’d be happy to be her friend again.”

  My shoulders slumped. I guessed I couldn’t fix everything before I left. But I still could have a moment of good-bye, even if I didn’t tell Ginni that’s what it was. I moved closer and hugged her hard. She hugged me back, always so quick to give affection, always so hungry to receive it.

  “Love you, Ginns,” I whispered into her frizzy hair.

  She giggled. “Love you too, Zoe.” She pulled back, then popped to her feet. “Now come on. Let’s see if there’s any sandwich makings left. I’m still starved!”

  Throughout the next few hours, I tried to unobtrusively make the rounds to each of the people who’d become important to me over the past year and a half. I was careful not to spend too long with Xona, afraid she’d see right through me and know what I was planning.

  And finally, there was only one person left to say good-bye to.

  Adrien.

  I walked up to him as he washed dishes. All day he’d been volunteering for whatever tasks needed to be done. Folding laundry, even scrubbing the floors of the small square entryway room. I didn’t know if he was avoiding me or just wanted to keep his hands busy. Either way, I was determined to talk to him before I left. It wouldn’t mean anything to him, but it was a memory I wanted to take with me. Maybe it was selfish. I pursed my lips. Okay, it was definitely selfish. But that didn’t stop me from joining him at the sink as he washed the last few dishes. I watched him in silence.

  “If you need the sink,” he said, not looking at me, “I’ll be done in a few minutes.”

  “I don’t need the sink.” I took a step closer. “I want to talk to you.”

  He glanced up in surprise, then tensed his jaw and went back to scrubbing the last plate in the sink. “I’m busy. I told the others I’d gather up another round of laundry when I’m done here.”

  He dropped the dish in the drying rack and turned to go. I shot out a hand and grabbed his wrist. “I need to talk to you now.” And then, even though I’d sworn to myself not to give away my plan, I couldn’t help more words spilling out. “Look, after tomorrow you won’t have to worry about seeing my face again.” It wouldn’t matter to him anyway. He wouldn’t care enough to try to stop me.

  His mouth dropped open in confusion, and he let me tug him toward the entryway room. It was as alone as we’d get in the packed bunker.

  “What do you mean, I won’t see your face after tomorrow?” he asked. Only a dim light-cell flickered overhead. Even though I could hear the hum of voices from the adjoining room, it felt quiet in the small entryway.

  “I talked to Henk about dropping me somewhere away from you all. I don’t want another earthquake leading the Chancellor here.”

  “Zoe, you can’t!” His face took on a look of horror. “We didn’t work so hard keeping you alive in the wilderness so you could go get yourself killed now—”

  “I’ll be fine,” I interrupted him. Stupid, I chided myself. I shouldn’t have said anything. “I’ll have the portable med container, so I’ll be able to sleep. I’ll find somewhere safe to hole up.” I hoped he couldn’t read the lie in my face. I had far clearer plans about what I’d do once Henk dropped me off, but considering how upset Adrien was getting, I knew it was better he didn’t know. “I just wanted to say good-bye.” I looked down. “And that I love you. I’m so sorry everything turned out the way it did, but I couldn’t leave without saying it this one last time. I love you.”

  I finally looked up, bracing myself for his mask of indifference. Instead what I saw shocked me. Anger. Fury even. “Stop saying that,” he seethed through gritted teeth. He turned away from me suddenly, his chest heaving. “You don’t love me. You loved him. How many times have I told you that he’s gone!”

  “Adrien.” I reached out a hand to touch his shoulder, but he spun away as if my touch was charged with an electric shock.

  I dropped my hands to my sides, balling them into fists to help myself keep it together. This was so much harder than I expected it to be. “I know that, Adrien. I know you’re not the same as you used to be. I’ve gotten to know you as you are now. You, Adrien. And I love you.”

  He swung back around to me with tears that he kept violently trying to blink back. “It’s not true. You look at me and see him.”

  I put a hand to his face with trembling fingers, knowing this might be the last time I touched him. “I see all of you,” I whispered, meeting his eyes. “I know you don’t feel it back, but it doesn’t change how I feel. I love you.”

  His mouth opened and his eyebrows cinched together, as if he was somehow scared of me. “It can’t be true.” His voice was the barest of whispers. “Can it?”

  Then, before I could respond, he’d pushed me back against the nearby wall and was kissing me. I was so stunned, I barely responded for a moment. But then I started kissing him just as fervently. My hands rose to his chest. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to push him away or draw him closer. Questions tumbled over themselves in my mind. Was this really happening? Was it only hormones, his body reacting to mine somehow? Could I bear the pain of his indifference if it meant nothing to him?

  But then he tangled his fingers in my hair, keeping my face close to his. He nestled his cheek against mine. “I don’t know if I can believe it that you care for me, the real me I am now. But I love you, Zoe. I’ve loved you for so long.”

  I froze and he must have sensed me tense up from shock at his words.

  He pulled back a few inches, his bright gray eyes searching mine. “Yours was the first face I saw when I began to come out of the fog. When I began to feel again. It was your hand clasped on mine. Your voice reverberating through my dreams, whispering soothing words.”

  My mouth dropped open. “But then why?” I finally whispered. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you push me away? We could have had all these months together.”

  “Because you kept talking about him. Talking about your memories together. It hurt so much to have you look at me with love but know it wasn’t for me. Emotions were new, and the hurt cut so deep.” He shook his head, trapping my hand against his chest when I tried to pull it away.

  “I couldn’t bear it,” he continued. “I tried to harden myself. Deny I felt anything for you at all. I tried to convince myself that love itself was illogical. That it made me weak.” His voice was low and raw. “So I forced myself not to touch you when you came to visit every afternoon. I forced myself not to look in your eyes. I wanted so badly not to love you. I’d even half convinced myself I didn’t.

  “But then when we were out in the wilderness,” his words were a rush now, “and the rendezvous site was burned and I knew you’d go into an allergy attack at any moment, all logic fled from my head. I had to save you. I didn’t question the impulse, not till later. And then when I did, it was so clear to me what I’d been denying all along.” His eyes met mine. “I love you, Zoe. Every incarnation of me will love you, even when this body is just bones and dust.”

  Each time he said the words I love you, a flutter went through my stomach like some long-dormant bird finally taking flight again. I could barely believe what he was saying.

  His eyes glistened in the dim light. “That night in the cave, I let myself forget everything except the feel of you against me. But then morning came, and as much as it felt like ripping my heart out of my chest, I knew I still couldn’t bear to live like that. With you looking at me with love in your eyes, but really seeing him. Even if it meant I could be with you, I couldn’t do it.” His face darkened and he looked down. “Because I didn’t ever believe you could love me back. Not when I’m so much … less. Less than everything he was.”

  I freed my hand from his so that I could nudge his chin up and make him look at me. “Don’t ever say that.” My voice was thick with emotion. “You’re different now, it’s true. But not at all any less. When I visited you every afternoon, it didn’t matter
to me that you weren’t exactly the same—how could you be after everything that happened to you? All I wanted was for you to look at me like you used to, like I meant something to you.” My voice broke and I looked down. “Ever since I started glitching I’ve loved people who couldn’t love me back—my brother, my parents. But it hurt worst of all when you didn’t love me, because I knew how it felt to be loved by you.” I looked back up at him.

  He looked at me uncertainly. “I’m still not sure I believe you.” But before he could second-guess it or start to pull away again, I went up on my tiptoes and pressed my lips to his. He kissed me back, hesitantly at first. But then his arms slowly wound around my waist, pulling me up and into him. Our heartbeats drummed madly against each others’ chests. I closed my eyes and sank into him, not coming up for air until our heads bumped against the ceiling.

  Adrien pulled back, laughing. My eyes popped open and I realized I’d lifted us right up off the ground. We bobbed by the ceiling but I didn’t drop us down; I just threw my arms around his neck, hugging him so hard I was probably about to crack his ribs. He didn’t complain, though, and held me to him with as much intensity.

  “Say it again,” I whispered in his ear.

  He didn’t ask what I meant. He pulled back and looked me straight in the eye. “I love you.”

  I couldn’t think about the uncertain future or about all my reasons for leaving, which were still completely valid in spite of this revelation. All I could think about was the singing happiness of knowing that Adrien loved me.

  I’d never felt more complete than in this moment, not in my entire life.

  And then several loud booms shook the compound.

  Chapter 23

  I LOOKED AROUND IN CONFUSION and dropped Adrien and myself back to the ground. He seemed just as bewildered as he pulled me back into the main room. Everyone was on their feet, scrambling to figure out what was going on.