by DICE Media
‘What is this, Dhruv? Why does it say “Fire and Ice”?’ Kavya was laughing and looking at Dhruv with her eyebrows raised.
‘I know, right?’ Dhruv said with a twinkle in his eyes.
‘Why would anyone want to use this? Especially in Mumbai where it is already so hot and humid?’
‘We’ll find out!’
‘We,’ Kavya clarified, ‘are not using this.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because why would I want to feel hot or cold down there?’
‘Let’s try at least,’ Dhruv said, but Kavya was still shaking her head.
Meanwhile, the pharmacist had been looking from Dhruv to Kavya and back throughout the exchange, part embarrassed and part shocked by the frank exchange.
Dhruv put his arm around Kavya. ‘What’s the worst thing that could happen? I’ll go to the doctor . . .’
‘Okay,’ Kavya said picking up all the packets from the counter. Dhruv was still talking.
‘. . . and say that I was having sex wearing a “Fire and Ice” condom. And it burnt all my pubic hair!’
Kavya walked out. She had been embarrassed enough and the pharmacist was giving them a creepy smile.
‘Good night, Sir!’ he called out after them.
‘Hey, stop walking so fast!’ Kavya told Dhruv after a few minutes.
‘I’m not walking fast, you are walking slowly.’ Dhruv was enjoying his orange ice cream.
Kavya caught up with him and offered him her chocolate ice cream, which he took.
‘Mine is better,’ he said.
‘Can I try it?’
Dhruv hated sharing food. ‘Sure, do you want anything else? A back massage or . . .’ he teased Kavya.
Just then, someone in a passing autorickshaw hit Dhruv on the head. Both the ice creams fell from his hands.
Dhruv was stunned. ‘What the hell was that?’
‘What the hell was that!’ shrieked Kavya.
‘Some idiot just smacked me on the head!’ said Dhruv in disbelief as he touched his head gingerly. He shouted at the autorickshaw. ‘I will screw your happiness, you piece of shit!’
This was followed by more profanities in Hindi. Kavya started laughing. Rarely did the stereotypical Delhi boy in Dhruv rear his head. But when he was angry and swearing, the Delhi effect showed clearly.
‘Oye, Mr Delhi 2016, relax!’
‘What, yaar! Who was that?’
Just then, the autorickshaw turned around and headed back towards them. Dhruv panicked. Kavya was with him and that was a vulnerability. He grabbed her hand and started running in the opposite direction.
‘Shit! He’s taking a U-turn! Run, Kavya, run!’
Kavya jogged with him. But she didn’t feel threatened at all. In fact, she was laughing at how scared Dhruv was.
‘Shitface! Where are you running off to?’ someone shouted from the autorickshaw. The voice was strangely familiar. Dhruv turned and saw a face peeking out. The autorickshaw stopped a little ahead of them and a guy stepped out.
‘Karan! What on earth are you doing here, man?’ Dhruv exclaimed with joy. ‘How are you?’
‘How are you doing?’ Karan grinned. The two hugged and slapped each other’s backs while Kavya watched with a smile.
‘How are you, man?’ asked Karan again.
‘All good, dude! You tell me . . .’ Dhruv was pleasantly surprised to see his childhood friend.
‘Nothing, man. Just here in the city for a few more hours—like four more hours. Came in just for a day for some work. Will head back tomorrow morning,’ Karan explained. ‘You tell me, how are you? Offering private tuitions like Mishra?’
‘I’m seriously thinking of doing that,’ Dhruv laughed. As mathematics students, a lot of their batchmates provided private tuitions to earn some extra money. One of their friends, Amol Mishra, had got so frustrated with exams and writing papers and theses that he took up tuitions as a full-time profession.
‘By the way, this is my girlfriend, Kavya.’ Dhruv gestured towards Kavya.
‘And Kavya, this is Karan, my childhood friend from Delhi. He shat in his shorts in the second grade!’
‘Good to know.’ Kavya laughed awkwardly.
Dhruv loved embarrassing people. In fact, one could say that making people feel awkward was one of his hobbies. But Karan wasn’t one to hold back. After all, he was one of Dhruv’s oldest friends and knew a lot of stories about him too.
‘Thanks, man. That is the best introduction I’ve ever got! And as long as we’re at it, hi, Kavya! This is my moronic friend, Dhruv, who got caught by a teacher in the fifth grade for stealing a second grader’s lunch. When the teacher was scolding him, he couldn’t say anything in his defence because he had stuffed so much food into his mouth that neither was he able to talk nor was he able to chew.’
All of them broke into laughter.
‘That’s horrible, Dhruv!’ Kavya admonished him playfully. ‘So you’ve been stealing food since you were a kid!’
‘See, I was always this cute!’ Dhruv winked at Kavya.
‘No, you were always so fat,’ Karan interrupted, ‘that you needed so much food to stuff your face—’
‘Come on, Karan, that boy’s mother made the best food. Tell her, dude! Even you know that, so it was justified. Kavya, you would have done the same thing!’ Dhruv explained earnestly, a smile still lingering in his eyes.
‘No, I wouldn’t have,’ Kavya argued.
‘You look even better in real life than in pictures, Kavya,’ said Karan, turning his attention towards her.
Kavya blushed. ‘Thanks!’
‘But if you don’t mind me asking,’ Karan continued with a wink, ‘what are you doing with this loser?’
‘I don’t know . . . Chilling, I guess . . . timepass.’
‘Yeah, timepass, man . . .’ Dhruv agreed.
‘Really? Have you seen your face? You look exactly like Kundan in Raanjhanaa!’ said Karan. The Bollywood movie depicted an average-looking, dark-complexioned boy called Kundan, who was in love with his childhood friend, the fair and beautiful Zoya.
Kavya burst out laughing.
Encouraged, Karan continued. ‘Wait, that’s the perfect analogy! You’re exactly like Kundan and Zoya, except that you, Dhruv, make Kundan look like a supermodel!’
‘Get lost, dude!’ said Dhruv, embarrassed. ‘Isn’t your auto waiting? You should leave now. Go!’
Kavya, who was thoroughly enjoying herself, piped up. ‘I like this. I’m going to use this.’
Karan and Kavya burst out laughing while Dhruv managed a giggle. ‘Thanks a lot, Karan. After all, what are old friends for?’
Then he added more seriously, ‘Hey, why don’t you come home? We’ll all have a beer.’
Kavya nodded in agreement.
‘No, man, I’ll come next time for sure. I just had drinks and then stuffed myself at the hotel. I really should be heading back. Next time, definitely,’ Karan refused politely, trying to keep his face impassive, but Dhruv caught on immediately.
‘At the hotel, eh? So you are also giving tuitions.’
Karan turned to Kavya. ‘It was such a pleasure meeting you! I’ll see you guys later.’
‘The next time you come, please let us know. We’ll plan something and have a great time. It’s been really long since we chilled out together,’ Dhruv said, hugging Karan.
Karan walked towards the waiting autorickshaw.
‘Do all Delhi boys sound the same?’ Kavya mocked Dhruv.
Meanwhile, Karan, who had left, asked the autorickshaw to stop and came back to Dhruv and Kavya.
He pulled Dhruv aside. Though he was trying to be discreet, Kavya caught a few words and figured out what was being discussed.
‘Go straight, take a right, and you will find a twenty-four-hour medical store there,’ Dhruv explained.
It was a great chance for Kavya to get rid of the ‘Fire and Ice’ condoms, and she acted fast. Without saying a word, she took the packet out and placed it in Karan’s hand.
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‘Here, use it. It’s our favourite.’
‘Dude!’ Dhruv was about to explain their idea of experimenting when he caught Kavya’s eye and understood it was a prank. He nodded innocently.
‘You’re supercool, Kavya. In case you ever decide to leave this loser, please let me know. Give me a call. Dhruv has my number!’ Karan joked. He was really impressed with Kavya.
‘I’m getting late . . . and laid! So it’s a great night for me. See you two soon!’ he waved goodbye.
‘Have fun!’ Dhruv and Kavya spoke together, trying their best to hold back their smiles.
Kavya was feeling very smug.
‘So proud of yourself, aren’t you?’ Dhruv pulled Kavya’s cheeks.
‘Very!’ she said as they laughed and headed home.
3
‘Kavvu, please come here and talk!’ Dhruv yelled.
He was in the kitchen, making himself a sandwich. Kavya was talking to him from another room and he couldn’t make sense of what she was saying.
Dhruv and Kavya had got back from the pharmacy but neither of them was sleepy. Kavya stomped into the kitchen, visibly upset. ‘Why are you ignoring me?’ She propped herself up on the kitchen counter.
‘I’m not ignoring you, Kavvu. I just couldn’t hear anything. Want a sandwich?’
‘How can you be hungry again? We had such a heavy dinner and then we had ice cream too!’
‘Yeah, but those ice creams fell down on the road because of that idiot Karan. And so I’m still hungry. I haven’t eaten enough. Yes or no for the sandwich?’
Kavya gave in. ‘Yeah, okay, make one for me as well.’ She was feeling low and now she was going to stress-eat to feel better.
‘Listen, Vivek’s getting engaged,’ she said with a pout.
‘Vivek?’ Dhruv tried to recall, and then grinned.
‘Oh, Vivek! Your first boyfriend. The one from Nagpur! Isn’t he the same guy who put up a photo collage of his mother and you on Facebook and captioned it “Lovers”?’
‘That was in fifth grade, Dhruv! Will you stop remembering weird things about my exes?’ Kavya was distressed and Dhruv wasn’t helping.
‘But it’s funny, dude!’
‘I’m serious.’ Kavya turned her attention back to Facebook, checking the latest status update from her ex-boyfriend.
Dhruv could see that the more serious he got, the more it would affect Kavya. He tried to keep things light-hearted. ‘Serious? Yeah, wait. We should take this seriously. Salami! We should use salami . . .’ He moved towards the refrigerator.
‘Do you want salami in your sandwich?’
‘Yeah, okay, whatever,’ she said, preoccupied. ‘But it’s so weird to know that he is getting engaged. He was my first boyfriend and the longest one.’
‘Wow! So nice! Did you just say that?’ Dhruv asked with a grin on his face. He was trying to hold back his laughter.
‘I mean, that was the longest relationship that I was a part of. Stop being cheap!’
‘What cheap? You said it! I’m just repeating it.’
‘Won’t you feel weird too if one of your exes got engaged or married?’
Dhruv took a minute before responding. With the knife in his hand, he gestured, ‘It depends, you know. If the pretty one gets married, yes. But if the other one, the “blah” one gets married, then I’ll be like, “Yeah whatever, she got married. Good for her!”’
‘What! That’s so Delhi-ish of you!’
‘What’s so Delhi-ish about this? If that other guy, that Nagpur part two, who used to call you what?—“Jaanu, jaanu”—if he gets married, would you really be upset? Be honest,’ he said turning around and looking at her intently.
‘First of all, he was my boyfriend in high school.’
‘No, no . . . be honest.’
‘Will you stop making me feel weird, please?’ This wasn’t how she had anticipated their conversation would go.
Dhruv placed his hands on her shoulders. ‘I am not trying to make you feel anything, Kavya. All I’m saying is that it’s good to remember the fun things about exes and forget the bad shit. How else will you date again?’
He smiled at her with so much warmth that she felt comforted. He made so much sense.
They left it at that and were soon enjoying their sandwiches while watching Aziz Ansari’s show Master of None. Dhruv was laughing, but Kavya sat still, sombre and lost in thought. Dhruv had finished his sandwich, but Kavya was eating like a squirrel.
A really hilarious scene left Dhruv in splits. As he laughed, he realized that Kavya was not laughing with him.
‘Did you see that?’ he asked, looking at a sullen Kavya. She didn’t seem interested.
‘Are you still thinking about him?’
‘Yes.’ She nibbled at her sandwich. Then she threw up her hands in exasperation. ‘I checked out that girl’s profile. And she’s pretty. Now I’m feeling even worse.’
Dhruv looked at her. Kavya was torturing herself over something insignificant, but it needed to be sorted out in her head, and he needed to help her do that. He switched off the TV and turned to face her, taking her hands in his.
‘Okay, Kavvu, this is simple maths . . .’
Kavya groaned and slumped on the couch. Dhruv made her sit up straight. Kavya began whining.
‘No, Momo, no maths. I really can’t deal with that right now. It’ll all go over my head.’
‘No, no, listen . . . It’s all going to make sense, I promise.’
Kavya looked carefully at Dhruv, asking him to go on.
‘See, 97 per cent of Indian males who get married are between the age of eighteen and thirty-five. This means that according to the sex ratio, if you have 100 friends, fifty-two of them will be boys and forty-eight will be girls, obviously assuming that you show no bias towards any sex while making friends.’
Dhruv knew that understanding numbers was not Kavya’s strong suit. So he took her plate, divided the chips into ‘male’ and ‘female’ and used them to explain the concept to her.
‘Out of these fifty-two males, you must have dated at least three,’ he continued. Kavya rolled her eyes.
Dhruv laughed at her exaggerated reaction. ‘Just say yes. Don’t act innocent.’ Kavya smiled. Not only did Dhruv accept everything about her and her past, he also made sure that she felt no shame about the not-so-great bits of it.
‘So the chances of your ex not getting married are . . .’ He took one of the chips from the plate and took a huge bite of it so that only a crumb was left in his hand. He held it out to her and continued, ‘. . . only 0.03 per cent. It makes absolutely no difference.’
‘What’s your point, Momo?’ Kavya asked, still unsure of what Dhruv was trying to say.
‘The point is that him getting married is actually a normal thing. What you should do is send him a congratulatory message. And also warn him: “Please don’t make another photo collage of your wife and mother and put it up as your display picture on Facebook. Because that shit isn’t cool, man!”’
Kavya broke into a wry smile. ‘That was a long time ago, Dhruv!’
Dhruv widened his eyes and dramatically replied, ‘I’m just saying. He is capable of doing that. You know that. That’s all I am saying.’
Kavya broke into a giggle. Even in the most tense of situations, Dhruv always managed to sort her mind out and make her laugh. She felt a lot better. The problem solved, she finally took the first proper bite from her sandwich.
‘Send him a message and you’ll feel better. And even if you don’t, give it two days. You will forget about this. We’re too busy to remember any of this for too long. You know that,’ Dhruv said matter-of-factly.
It was true. Problems that seemed to have no solution, which felt like the end of the world, always faded and became insignificant with time. It was inevitable.
‘Wow, what an amazing speech, Kundan!’ Kavya teased.
‘No! What has Karan taught you? Is this going to be your new thing?’ He was happy to play al
ong if it took Kavya’s mind away from her issues.
‘Hmm . . .’ Kavya nodded, smiling mischievously. It was not going to be just her new thing. She was going to tell all his friends about it as well! However, she was still thinking about their discussion.
‘Yeah, I guess you’re right,’ she said, turning serious. ‘He is a nice guy. And I suppose I am happy for him.’
‘How nice! Now can we finish the topic here? The mosquitoes in our room have died of old age, but we’re still here, talking about the same thing.’
Kavya decided to change the subject and the mood.
‘Momo, this sandwich is really good. One of your bests so far! Well done! I’d have asked you to consider being a chef, but there’s no point because you’d eat everything you ever made.’
‘Please leave the humour to me. I am the funny one in this relationship.’ He then watched with sad, hungry eyes as Kavya took a bite of her sandwich.
She knew that look very well, but asked, ‘What?’
‘Bite? Please?’
‘No.’
Dhruv pretended to be dejected. Kavya knew that there was no fighting it, that she would give in because the sad expression on his face would beat her will.
‘Okay, one small bite.’ Her face showed that she had given in but was not happy about it.
‘Small bite, remember. Please take only a small bite.’
Dhruv took the sandwich from her and helped himself to a huge bite right from the centre.
‘Why would you do that!’
‘Do what?’ he asked innocently, relishing the big, juicy bit.
‘I gave you my sandwich and you took a huge bite, that too right from the middle! That’s the best part of the sandwich, Dhruv. This is horrible!’ Kavya snatched her sandwich back and bit into it hungrily.
‘See, these are the things you should be feeling bad about. Not your ex getting married. That shit doesn’t matter.’
‘Yeah, yeah. I get the point. But that was just you being a glutton. Don’t try to make it look like you did it to teach me a lesson. I’m still hungry. Will you make another one and we split?’
Dhruv, who never shied away from food, was as pleased as Punch. ‘Now we’re talking! Give me two minutes, I’ll make another one. Then we’ll get a good night’s sleep.’