‘I’m sorry Moira,’ came Dan’s quiet voice, stalling my thoughts. ‘I’m sorry that I put you here, that I couldn’t do more. I promise that I tried, I really tried to make you better but you wouldn’t help yourself, you wouldn’t wake up and breathe on your own. All the money in the world couldn’t change that. You have to know that I was angry at you for a long time, but I need you to know that I’ve forgiven you for what you did, even though it led us here. You may not have got the ending that you hoped for, but you gave me mine. I’d never have met Ellie without you, never have known what it was to be loved for me, the man underneath all the wealth that you were so blinded by, so I have to thank you for being the catalyst to setting me on the right path. When you met me I was a different man, a shallow man. I thought my money and looks entitled me to whatever I saw. I wanted something and I took it. If I’d been … if I’d been a better man back then, you wouldn’t be lying here now,’ he choked as he hung his head. I squeezed his hand tightly as tears formed rivers down my face, etching deep grooves for the burden my wonderful man had carried for so long. ‘But I need you to know that I am a better man now. I’m going to be the best partner and father that ever walked the face of this earth, I’ll never let her, my son or my unborn child down ever again. I just hope that … that you’ll forgive me, Moira.’
He let go of her hand and turned to bury his face in my chest as he started to sob, loud painful gasps that shook his large frame and I clutched his head to me as I kissed his hair and tried to soothe him, while dealing with my own tears. I just prayed that his speech and what we were about to do would finally set him free. He’d more than paid his dues, he’d been dragging a ball and chain around on each leg for years. Rebecca and Moira. I just hoped that this would release him from the final set. I just wanted him to be happy, and guilt free. I held him until his sobs slowed and he slowly straightened up. I clasped his face and kissed his forehead.
‘You are the best partner and father. No one would have done more for her than you did, but it’s not her forgiveness you need. You need to forgive yourself. If her parents have forgiven you, then you have no guilt left to hold onto,’ I whispered. He nodded and blew out a deep breath. I pulled a couple of tissues from my pocket and wiped his face for him, then my own and raised my eyebrows in question. He slowly stood up and took my hand and we headed to the lounge. Everyone looked up at us and waited, with expectation on their faces.
‘I’m ready,’ he nodded. ‘I give my approval to remove her from life support.’
Dan
There was a collective sigh of relief that went around the room and I watched as Theo and Florie gave their verbal consent too, then we had to fill out some paperwork. I was on autopilot, I was finally resigned that this was the right thing to do. Just twenty-four hours waiting for Ellie to wake up, never knowing if she would, had been agonising. I’d put everyone through years of that, all because I couldn’t accept that I’d made a mistake. A mistake that cost Moira her life, that of my child and almost claimed me as well. Something somewhere inside me though, had finally accepted that was all it was, a mistake. Nothing more, nothing less. I’d realised that I couldn’t keep blaming myself, going through the what ifs anymore. I had been driving when it happened, but if Moira hadn’t tricked me into getting her pregnant, I wouldn’t have been driving her back from that paternity test appointment in the first place. If she’d been wearing her seatbelt, she may have survived. I’d accepted that it was a whole convergence of tragic events, that I wasn’t fully culpable for. Sometimes shit just happened. I’d had my fair share but I was still here. Putting my life on hold forever, holding Theo and Florie back too, wasn’t going to bring her back. Letting her go was the kindest and most humane thing to do, for all our sakes. Not least my Ellie. She’d put up with only having part of me, when she deserved all of me. How many other women would have been as supportive of an ex-wife and the baggage she’d left me with? She’d never once nagged me or pressured me to bring me to this conclusion. She was exceptional, she truly deserved to have me to herself and I was going to make sure she had all of me.
We all squeezed into the room, her three nurses, her doctor, her parents, Ellie and I. We were told that it might not be as quick as we’d anticipate, that it was possible she’d gasp, her bodies last reflex, not a sign of life. I thought I’d steeled myself for it, but when it happened soon after the switch was turned off it was like a punch to my stomach. What if it really was her fighting to survive? What if she’d been alive this whole time inside that frail body, listening to what we were about to do to her? I looked over at Theo and Florie, she was crying but Theo caught my eye and gave me a reassuring nod, as did Doctor Strachan. I looked down at Ellie who was crying too and pulled her in front of me and wrapped my arms tightly around her, placing a hand on her stomach, as if protecting my baby from what we were witnessing. I frowned, the noise in the room sounded different, it took a moment to realise that it was the sound of the heart rate monitor flat lining. The quiet that replaced the noise of the ventilator was eerie. Doctor Strachan called time of death as I let out a heavy sigh, hoping the worst was over. Ellie turned around in my arms and hung onto me as we buried our faces in each other’s necks.
‘I love you,’ she whispered. ‘I’m so proud of you for doing the right thing.’
I couldn’t speak, I needed a moment to process what that moment in time the doctor had called out meant for me, for my life, for all our lives. It was a pivotal moment. Ruth suggested we leave the room while they finished off. I certainly didn’t want to witness them removing the tubes, so I squeezed her hand one last time and led Ellie out, with Theo and Florie close behind. Ellie went to make us all a drink, as we discussed the funeral arrangements that we’d already set for next week. Saying goodbye to her parents was harder than I imagined. I knew I’d be seeing them again, but not here, I never wanted to come back here. This house reminded me of death and I decided it would be a permanent prison now for all those negative emotions I’d been carrying for so long. I left them there as the door was closed behind me and I stepped forwards towards my future, a free man at last.
I spent the afternoon in the playroom with Oliver. His smiles and laughter were just what I needed. I’d insisted Ellie rest, so she was lying on the sofa, covered in a blanket, propped up on a couple of pillows as she watched us, while Mrs. McAdams made us dinner. Oliver made us laugh a few times, as he broke his studious attempts to still try and put his square cube through the round hole, by suddenly running to Ellie and pursing his lips for a kiss. When he got what he wanted he’d run back and sit next to me, looking up at me as if he expected me to have all the answers. I showed him again that the cube fitted through the square hole, which he knew how to do himself. He just couldn’t comprehend why it didn’t fit any others. To him life was still simple, things should just work. I dreaded the day that he found out they didn’t, I didn’t want him to experience the lows I’d had in my life, only the highs. I grabbed him and lifted him up in the air and he squealed with delight before I planted kisses all over his face. He giggled and wriggled and when I put him down he ran out to see Mrs. McAdams. I looked over at Ellie who was smiling as she watched me, so I went to sit on the floor next to her, resting my head on her knees as she ran her fingers through my hair.
‘You’re so good with him, he adores you.’
‘You too, I never get kisses like that,’ I smiled.
‘He always wants you to give him a kiss at night, besides you get plenty of kisses from me.’
‘I do,’ I agreed. ‘How are you feeling?’
‘Other than a little tired I’m just great. I’m more worried about you, today was a lot for you to deal with. It has to be up there as one of the hardest times of your life.’
‘I’m ok,’ I nodded, registering the surprise in my own voice. ‘I don’t want to sound heartless but I finally feel free. While it wasn’t the nicest of things to experience, losing Rebecca, walking away from you in London, finding you a
t the bottom of those stairs and waiting for you to wake up in hospital were the hardest times. Those hard times are beginning to fade though, because you and Oliver give me so many good times, pretty soon they’ll be all I’ll remember.’
‘You’ll never forget, just like I never forget my parents, but in time you won’t dwell on them and let them take you over. Life is for living, to be enjoyed and celebrated, starting with this wedding I have to finish planning.’
‘There’s nothing for you to do,’ I advised her, as I turned my head and kissed her wrist.
‘Please, men know nothing about planning weddings,’ she laughed. ‘I have a whole prioritised spreadsheet.’
‘One that I’ve already downloaded and handed over to Tina, my manageress at the hotel. She’s taking charge of it for you. You have nothing to worry about now, but turning up on the day looking radiant in your bridesmaid dress.’
‘You sneaky bugger,’ she exclaimed with a yawn. ‘Invasion of personal privacy.’
‘Not my fault that you still haven’t put that passcode on your iPad.’
‘Dada,’ shouted Oliver. We looked up and he was peaking around the stone wall from the dining room.
‘I think someone wants to be chased,’ Ellie laughed. ‘Go on, but remember not to catch him so quickly. It’s not a competition, you need to let him win now and then.’
‘Spoilsport,’ I grinned. ‘Will you be ok?’
‘I’m going to rest my eyes for a while, go, have fun. I love you, Mr. Davenport.’
‘Not as much as I love you, Ellie Baxter,’ I advised, as I kissed her tenderly, only to be interrupted by my son again. We laughed and I got up and charged at him as he squealed and started running in a fit of the giggles, which warmed my heart.
Day Twenty Nine
Friday 29th July ~ Year Three
Ellie
I put my hand over Dan’s to calm him down, he was so nervous.
‘What if something’s wrong?’ he asked, for about the third time today.
‘Then we’ll deal with it, just like we deal with everything,’ I replied, as I kissed his cheek. We were in London again for my pregnancy scan. It was too early for the normal one, but since my fall we’d been making regular trips here, so my specialist could keep a close eye on me, which I wasn’t going to complain about. My cast was finally off and other than a dull ache if I used my wrist too much it had healed well. Dan had insisted on me having Dragon software installed, so I could talk while it typed, to save me any further pain. After experiencing some teething troubles training it to recognise my voice, naturally he decided he could come up with an even better software system and had flown us out to San Francisco for a few days to talk it over with his team. We’d had Moira’s funeral as well, and I really felt like he was finally putting those old ghosts to rest. It was only just over a week until Brooke and Molly’s wedding and I couldn’t wait. We were having their joint hen party tonight, which involved a meal out, copious amounts of alcohol, for them anyway, ending up in a karaoke bar. Dan however, was insisting that he wouldn’t allow me to stay out late. I was still prone to the odd bout of dizziness and feeling tired, which compounded with my pregnancy, had him on high alert.
‘So what time are we dropping you off tonight?’ he asked.
‘The meal’s at seven-thirty,’ I confirmed. We were going to one of the best Italian restaurants in London and I couldn’t wait, I was ravenous at the moment.
‘I want to know where you are throughout the night, regular status updates and we’ll come to get you at ten.’
‘Dan,’ I groaned. ‘By the time we’ve eaten and got out of there it will be nearly ten. The night will only just be starting.’
‘Don’t argue with me, not about this.’
‘It’s my best friends’ hen party, both of my best friends, not just a normal night out. This is special, it should only happen once and I want to be a part of it. How would you feel if it was Logan having a stag night and I dictated that you had to come home early?’
‘Logan having a stag night?’ he laughed. ‘Right, I can really see that happening. Fine, I’ll push it to eleven.’
‘One,’ I countered.
‘Eleven.’
‘Quarter to one.’
‘Eleven,’ he replied stubbornly, as he fixed me with a firm look.
‘You’re impossible,’ I moaned, as I threw my hands up in the air and down with a huff which made him laugh. ‘It’s not funny, I’m a grown woman and I can look after myself.’
‘O right. This coming from the “grown woman” who drank two bottles of wine on a facetime party? The same one I had to hold her hair back while she was being sick and spend the night watching her in case she choked to death? That responsible woman?’
‘I’m nearly three years older now and a mother,’ I reminded him.
‘Still eleven o’clock,’ he smirked. I scowled at him as the cogs in my brain started to whir. We’d only had sex again for the first time last week, I’d begged for it earlier than that, but he’d refused until he deemed that I was up to it. Something sexual would definitely sway him. I was going to have to be devious about this by dressing up to tantalise him, just like he was me today. He was all dressed up in a three piece suit, wanting to head into his London office for a catch up with Stuart and to make some calls. He was dropping me back at home when the scan was over, for another rest. I was sick of resting.
‘I need a new outfit for tonight, would you mind dropping me off on Kensington High Street?’
‘You have loads of clothes at home and you need to rest.’
‘Fine, take me home. I’ll just go out when you’ve left and it will be even more tiring having to walk to the shops as well as walking home after.’
‘You … stubborn bloody woman,’ he muttered, as he stood up and glared at me. He tapped on his phone and strode further away as I heard him say Stuart’s name. What the hell was that all about? He returned about five minutes later looking calmer. ‘Fine. I’ll drop you off to go shopping.’
‘You will?’ I looked at him, surprised that he’d caved so easily, maybe my seduction plan wasn’t needed after all. There again, looking at him made me want to carry it out regardless. His emerald tie against his black shirt and three piece suit just made his eyes seem all the more drown-worthy.
‘I’m not a man who’s blind to his partner’s needs thank you,’ he replied, with a rather smug look on his face.
‘I never said you were, but what are you up to?’
‘Managing my assets appropriately.’
‘Your assets?’ I raised my eyebrows and was on the verge of whacking him, when we were called through and suddenly it all turned serious again.
‘I told you there was nothing to worry about,’ I smiled as we made our way to the hospital exit holding hands.
‘It’s definitely a boy with that strong heartbeat,’ he beamed.
‘Whatever,’ I teased, as I kissed him. He held up his finger as his phone rang and stepped away for a moment before returning to me with a much bigger smile on his face. ‘What are you up to?’
‘I told you, managing my assets, there’s someone outside I’d like you to meet.’
‘Who?’
‘All in good time,’ he replied, as he took my hand and walked us out through the sliding door, before heading over to a young lady dressed in a trouser suit. ‘Miss Parker, I presume.’
‘Mr. Davenport, a pleasure to meet you, Sir,’ she replied, as she extended her hand with a deferential dip of her head to him, as I wondered what the hell was going on.
‘Miss Parker, this is Miss Baxter. I assume you’ve been made fully aware of the facts?’
‘I have, Sir. You can trust me, I’ll take very good care of her.’
‘Make sure that you do, she’s very valuable to me,’ he replied, with a smile in my direction. ‘Ellie, Miss Parker is under instructions to accompany you anywhere and everywhere, no exceptions. She’s been made aware of the signs to look out for if you
’re flagging. If she determines that you need to rest, she will accompany you home. Forcibly if needs be. Don’t be fooled by her size, she’s ex-forces and could probably give me a run for my money.’
‘I’d drop you like a stone, Sir,’ she replied, with a wink in my direction, which made me laugh and forget my sudden indignation.
‘This is totally over the top, Dan.’
‘Not if you insist on defying my wishes. James will pick up both of you in the limousine this evening and take you wherever you need to go. I’ll let you stay out later if Miss Parker confirms that you’re still in good shape, the minute she thinks you’ve reached your limit she’ll call me to come and meet you, before we go home. No arguments,’ he warned with a finger in the air, as I went to object. I chewed my bottom lip as I considered his proposal, I guess it was fair enough, he was only trying to look out for me.
‘Accepted, on a couple of conditions.’
‘Did I give you any reason to believe this was a negotiation?’ he asked, his green eyes twinkling with amusement. I shivered with excitement, this wasn’t Dan, my adorable boyfriend who I lived with in Scotland. This was Oliver Davenport, hardened and dominant CEO of a multi-billion corporation and boy, did that jump start my libido. I was going through with my plan even though he’d relented, somewhat. It was like crossing the Scottish border flipped his personality.
‘Miss Parker isn’t exactly dressed to fit in on a hen night and I’d like to call her by her name, rather than her title. I’ll accept if I can buy her some more appropriate clothes to wear, know her first name and I won’t accept her accompanying me into the toilet, which I have to frequent on a more regular basis given I’m pregnant. That’s non-negotiable, Sir.’ It was my turn to smirk as his nostrils flared at the endearment. I only used it when we were in one of our dominant submissive sexual encounters.
31 Days of Summer (31 Days #2) Page 42