Sir John Hargrave's Mischief Maker's Manual

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Sir John Hargrave's Mischief Maker's Manual Page 7

by John Hargrave


  Be able to explain to a partner the four types of whoopee cushions.

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  THE iPOOTER

  The iPooter is the latest in AF (artificial flatulence) technology. It can be placed underneath a couch, desk, or church pew to let loose an unexpected trouser tuba. You can have it say random words like “Rutabaga,” or you can do an occasional heavy grunt every five minutes. You can have a time-delayed fart that plays forty-five minutes into the future, during a conversation, meal, or service.

  The wonderful thing about the iPooter is its versatility: It’s only limited by your imagination. You can change the sound to a meowing cat, or you can “throw your voice” by leaving it in a foot locker. This handy little prank can be left in a quiet study hall, a car trunk, or anywhere it would be funny or unusual to hear someone’s voice. Don’t put it down a well. That freaks people out.

  Possibly the most hilarious use of the iPooter is to record someone’s name being called quietly, then hide it, or lower it in front of an open window where they’re sitting. This prank will reduce anyone to quiet hysterics—the person who’s madly trying to find the sound of the voice, and the person shaking with laughter on the other side.

  How to Build the iPooter:

  Assuming you own an iPod, the only expensive thing about the iPooter is the speakers. These should be battery-operated, and reasonably small. You could build the iPooter with a set of $3,000 stereo speakers, but you wouldn’t want to lower those babies from a window.

  The best part is, your family may already have battery-operated speakers somewhere in the house. If not, cheap speakers can be easily purchased at RadioShack, Wal-Mart, or eBay. “With these speakers, we’ll be able to listen to your favorite music in the kitchen,” is a convincing argument for most adults.

  Download an appropriate prank MP3 file to your iPod: farts, delayed farts, bird calls, barking seals, crying babies, grunting, moaning, or vomiting. You can also record your own sound effects by using your school’s audio lab or your home computer. Some MP3 players have voice-record features built in, which is like hitting the jackpoot.

  Take the iPod and the speakers and fit them together like this.

  With your string or twine, wrap the entire bundle, again and again, in all directions, until everything is bound together firmly. For lightweight string, this may take an entire roll. Make sure the controls to the iPod remain showing.

  Make a loop of string or twine on the top of the iPooter. This will operate not only as a handle to quickly move it from location to location, but also a hook for lowering the iPooter in front of a window.

  Step 3

  Step 4

  [Optional] If you want to finish it off, put clear tape around the handle.

  [Optional] Tie a rope or cord around the handle, depending on the prank.IMPROVISING AN iPOOTER

  • If you don’t have a ball of string or twine handy, you can improvise many other things to tie together your iPooter (bungee cords, belts, shoelaces, large rubber bands, etc.). Be creative. Avoid tape, which can leave sticky residue on your speakers.

  • You can also put the iPod and speakers in a pillowcase, and tie it securely with a rope or cord, although this makes it more difficult to access the iPod.

  • If your family has the type of iPod speakers that plug into the wall, you can just hide the iPod and speakers behind a desk or couch, making sure they’re plugged into a hidden wall outlet. Use an extension cord if necessary. Although it’s not portable, it can still be wildly hilarious as a one-time prank.

  PROJECTILES

  SLINGSHOTS

  For centuries, slingshots have been the symbol of mischief makers the world over. In the biblical story of David versus Goliath, a young troublemaker named David kills the mighty Philistine giant Goliath, using nothing more than a slingshot and a couple of rocks.

  David probably used an ancient sling (see Figure 1), which consisted of two long cords and a pouch to hold the ammo. The two cords were twirled over the head, then one line was released, using centrifugal force to hurl the rock with great speed—enough speed to kill a twelve-foot fighting warrior.

  KA-THWOCK!

  Figure 1: Ancient Slingshot

  After stunning Goliath with the Slingshot of Death, David seized the sword of the giant and killed him, then cut off his head. (It’s in the Bible; look it up.) Then he lifted up Goliath’s head, dripping blood and neck tissue, and screamed. Not a girly scream, either, but a warrior’s scream. The Philistine armies ran in fear, the Israelites let out a tremendous battle cry, and chased the Philistines back home to Outer Philistia.

  All this because of a slingshot.

  ALWAYS BE CAREFUL

  Don’t be like David: Never launch a slingshot at another person. Ever. That includes a person driving a car, or a school bus, or an airplane. Launch slingshots into empty fields, or off parking decks. Be safe, and please, for the love of Goliath, use common sense.

  You can still find slings today, but modern mischief makers use a slingshot ( see Figure 2) because of its portability and style. The modern slingshot is made of three materials: a Y-shaped stick or bar, a pouch or holder, and rubber bands or bungee cords. A quick slingshot can be improvised almost anywhere with these three basic ingredients.

  You operate the slingshot by holding it in the hand you don’t write with. Put your ammo in the pouch, hold the slingshot out in front of you, pull the pouch back with your opposite hand as far as you dare, and release.

  PA-THOING!

  Figure 2: Modern Slingshot

  Professional mischief makers want something with a little more slinging power: the M3 Power Launcher. It is an extremely powerful slingshot that can be used to launch water balloons, pieces of fruit, or frogs. It consists of two bungee cords tied between two large trees, with a plastic funnel for the “pouch.” Best of all, the M3PL can be made for less than thirty dollars.

  How to Build the M3 Power Launcher:

  Go to your local home retailer (Home Depot, Lowe’s, etc.) and look for the funnel aisle.

  Find a plastic funnel that’s large enough to hold a water balloon about the size of an apple. Find a store employee and ask to have four holes drilled in the side of the large funnel. If they ask why, tell them you’re making a robot costume.

  Buy the rest of the materials, and head home.

  Cut the rubber tubing in half.

  Thread each half through the holes, so you have four rubber ends dangling freely.

  Tie the funnel around a pair of trees, fence posts, or football field goals.

  Load, aim, and fire!

  CATAPULTS

  Catapults are complicated machines that use physics and math to hurl objects (like physics and math books) at great distances. Originally used as ancient weapons of war, three-ton wheeled catapults hurled mighty boulders into castle walls and had to be pushed forward by an army of men.

  Step 1

  Step 2

  Step 3

  Nowadays, it is difficult to find castles, unless you live in an upscale neighborhood. But people still make catapults. Sometimes they’re as small as mini catapults made out of toothpicks and rubber bands, and sometimes they’re as powerful as the ACME Catapult, a “monster catapult” machine built by a bunch of guys in Illinois. It can hurl refrigerators, lawn tractors, or a washing machine high into the air. (This thing has to be seen to be believed—Google “acme catapult video” to see it in action.)

  You can build a powerful catapult capable of hurling eggs, tennis balls, tomatoes, and other round objects. The advantage of a catapult over the M3 Power Launcher is that it’s much better for places where you can’t tie the M3PL. The secret to building a catapult is to buy a catapult kit, which has all the wood, ropes, screws, and other materials you need to build a real, working catapult.

  Although the price varies (you can spend hundreds of dollars on huge catapults), a decent working catapult can be bought for under thirty dollars. And there’s an easy way to get
a catapult kit for free: Get an adult to buy it for you.

  How to Get Your Parents to Buy You a Catapult:

  Google “catapult kit” for a wide selection of ready-to-assemble catapults. When you’ve found the catapult kit you want, bookmark the page to give your parents the hint.

  At the dinner table, ask your parents what an engineer does for a living (not a train engineer, but a mechanical engineer). Announce that you’re learning about engineers at school, and say you’re thinking about becoming an engineer. Then drop the subject.

  A few days later, ask your parents, “What’s physics?” Your parents won’t have a good answer for this one, but pretend to remain politely interested as they struggle for a response. If they ask why you’re interested, remind them you want to be an engineer.

  Then a few days later, bring up the subject of catapult kits. Say you found them while you were researching physics on the Internet. Ask if they’ll buy one for you. If the answer is no, accept this calmly, and mention that a catapult kit might make a good birthday present.

  Continue to bring up the subject of catapult kits, once every three days, until your parents finally give in. Your argument should go something like this: “The world needs good engineers, and the kids who want to be engineers need a way to get hands-on experience with physics and engineering.” This is the truth. They won’t be able to argue with this.

  Congratulations! You closed the sale. The hard part is over. Once you get your catapult in the mail, most catapult kits can be built in a day. Fire and enjoy!

  ALWAYS BE CAREFUL

  • Even though the first three letters of the word “catapult” spell “cat,” do not attempt to launch cats from catapults. This goes for kittens also. Launch small creatures that won’t be harmed: worms, grubs, and possibly small frogs.

  • Similarly, never aim a catapult at any living thing, with the exception of large trees. Fire into an empty area, like a field or river.

  • If you’re firing anything like yogurt or Jell-O containers, be sure to clean up the plastic containers or other trash. Ordinary food can usually be left behind for animals to enjoy.

  • Use common sense. Always check catapult parts for wear before firing. If they look like they might break, be sure to replace them before using. Treat the catapult with respect. Otherwise: YOU’LL SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT!

  FROGS RAINING FROM THE SKIES

  The frog, like the slingshot, has long been a calling card of professional mischief makers. The frog is a harmless creature that is still very surprising to find in your soup, your bathtub, your car, your toilet, your bed, your nightstand, your shirt, your underwear, your hat, your hair, or hurling through the air at twenty to thirty miles per hour.

  TOAD TRAPPING TIPS

  • Frogs and toads are certain to jump away from you, so make sure they won’t escape somewhere you can’t get them (like into a bush). Try to corner the frog so it’s near a yard or open field.

  • To catch a toad, just grab it as quickly as you can, with two hands. It will be cold, wet, and slimy, but you must resist the urge to let go. Do not squeeze so tightly that you injure the frog.

  • If the frog leaps out of your hands, calmly chase it back down and grab it again. Do not panic. Humans are quicker than frogs.

  • Always wash your hands after handling frogs to remove bacteria and slimy frog goo.

  Many people are freaked out by frogs, due to their weird appearance and slimy disposition. They were one of the plagues of Moses, and many people think they cause warts (not true, of course; only human viruses cause warts). The most harm a frog can do is urinate on your hands, which they do frequently, so try not to release them in fright when this happens.

  The best place to find frogs is a pond, stream, or other body of water. You can often put out a large container of water in a wooded area (like a clean trash-can lid), leave it for a few days, and frogs will find it.

  Because launching live frogs from slingshots or catapults can injure the frog (small frogs are usually okay, as long as they are fired into a pond or body of water), a better way is to launch a dead frog, which can easily be purchased off the Internet for a few dollars.

  How to Make Frogs Rain from the Skies:

  Google “frog dissection kit” to find companies that sell frog dissection kits for high school biology classes. These companies usually have a wonderful assortment of disgusting items: dead frogs, cow eyes, sheep brains, foot-long earthworms, and other assorted animal organs. Usually these are preserved in chemicals, which means they don’t need to be refrigerated; you can store them in your closet or basement until you need them.

  Build one of the catapults or slingshots featured in this section. If it’s powerful enough to launch a water balloon, it’s powerful enough to launch a frog.

  Load up your frog, aim, and fire. The great part about using a dead frog is that you can launch it against the side of a building, tree, or sturdy metal sign. Don’t let adults catch you doing this, or they will probably send you to counseling.

  SURPRISE FOOD

  THE BUG IN THE ICE CUBE

  This is the classic “Bug in the Ice Cube” gag, which costs either a few dollars, or 200,000 Skee-Ball tickets (see Figure 1). The idea is that you drop it into someone’s iced beverage, hoping they’ll notice it, freak out, then drop the drink in their lap.

  It rarely works out that way. Most bug gags are made of cheap plastic, and do not look very believable, which is why you should follow these plans for a homemade bug in an ice cube. This version of the gag will have much greater odds of success, since it uses a real bug.

  Figure 1: The Bug in the Ice Cube

  How to Make the Bug in the Ice Cube:

  Find a dead bug. The best bugs are dead worms, which are easy to find on the sidewalk after it rains. Using more than one worm makes them easier to see.

  Rinse bug under running water. The last thing you need is someone to get sick from an improperly washed worm.

  Place bug in ice cube tray, and fill tray half-full with water. Do not overfill. Smaller ice cubes will make the bug easier to spot.

  Freeze for approximately four hours, then remove cubes from tray. They will look like this.

  Stack cubes in clear drinking glass. Use only two or three ice cubes, with wormy ice on top. Pour beverage over ice, and serve.

  Make the Bug in the Ice Cube gag.

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  SNAKE IN THE NUTS

  This prank should actually be called “Spiders in the Pringles,” but it is named “Snake in the Nuts” in honor of the original prank, a container of mixed nuts that, when opened, pops out a coiled “snake.” It’s just that “Snake in the Nuts” is a funnier name.

  The version you’ll learn below is more effective, because it uses a modern snack tube (like Pringles) to lure them in. When they take off the lid to grab a handful of delicious, salty potato chips, out pop a dozen surprising spiders instead!

  How to Put Spiders in the Pringles:

  If the Pringles can has a transparent lid, you want to take the “freshness seal” and stick it into the underside of the lid (use tape if necessary), so people can’t see into the can.

  Using your scissors, cut the bottom of the plastic cup to create a “plunging platform.” Cut down the sides until you have only a quarter-inch lip around the bottom. Make sure the platform fits inside the can with plenty of room. You do not want a snug fit.

  Cross two 9” rubber bands, making an X, and tape them to the bottom of the platform. (If you don’t have 9” rubber bands, you can use four 5” rubber bands.) You should now have a platform with four long elastic loops.

  Punch four holes around the top of the Pringles can, just below the edge.

  Thread the rubber bands from the inside of the can to the outside of the can, and tape them down on the inside. Tape all around the inside of the can, so you have a solid ring of tape.

  Use small pieces of clear tape on the outside to hold down the 1/2” tails o
f rubber band around the top. Don’t worry too much about these; the design of the can is so crazy that most people won’t see them.

  Step 5

  Step 6

  With all four rubber bands taped down, the platform should now be floating inside the can, about three inches from the top, and it should spring back when you push it down with a spoon.

  Next you must build the spiders. You can use plastic spiders, or you can take twelve sheets of black paper and wad each of them into small “pucks,” about the size of Triple Stuf Oreo cookies. Wrap the spiders in clear packing tape. (The spiders need slick bodies, so they will slide along the inside of the can.)

  Attach “legs” made of black yarn or paper. The spiders don’t actually need to look that much like spiders, because they will be flying into someone’s face.

  Load the can by stacking the spiders on top of one another, one at a time. Push down the internal platform with more spiders, until the rubber bands are stretched and the can is trying to shoot them out. While holding the spiders down with one hand, slide the cover on with the other hand. It should hold them in.

 

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