Yours and Mine (Friends with Benefits)

by Lacey Silks

  “For over a year now.” My father took a sip of his tea.

  “And you didn’t stop us?”

  “Why stop something good and something that was meant to be?” He reached for Marge’s hand across the table.

  “So…”

  “Don’t let us interrupt you. Go on with your evening.”

  “We were just going to go up to the roof.”

  “All right. We’ll see you guys in the morning, then.” My father stood up, took Marge under her arm, and they left. We watched through the window as they walked outside, turned right to Nick’s house, and went inside.

  “Did they just leave the house to us?” I asked, pointing my finger toward the door.

  “I think so.”

  “I didn’t exactly expect that.”

  Stunned, we went upstairs to the rooftop, where a blanket had already been laid out. We both changed into our pajamas before going up. Nick covered us with a second spare blanket, and I lay down beside him, his right arm underneath me, my head partially on his shoulder and chest, and looked up at the sky. We stayed like that in silence, for the first time ever, watching the stars on the east of the night sky.

  “I told you the view is better from my roof.” I yawned.

  He squeezed the side of my arm in agreement. “Anywhere with you will always be better for me.” He paused. “I’m sorry that I’m doing this to us, especially now, but I can’t even tell you how much it means for me to know that I have your support.”

  “Always, Nick. Always.”

  We didn’t say another word until the sun started coming up.

  “Come on, Jo. Let’s get you to your bed.”

  I followed his steps down the ladder, onto the balcony, and inside my room.

  “Stay with me?” I asked.

  “I wouldn’t have it any other way. Come on, we don’t have much time.”

  He was right. We only had a week left to ourselves. Nick crawled into my bed and spooned me from behind, holding me in his arms. I didn’t remember falling asleep; all I could think about was being so close to him, listening to his soft exhalations. This wasn’t just my night; it was ours.

  When I opened my eyes, Nick was sitting on the bed beside me, dressed in jeans and a light sweatshirt.

  “Good morning.” I smiled dreamily.

  “Good morning.”

  “I wanted to leave when you were asleep, but I couldn’t.”

  “I think I would have found your ass and dragged it back here if you had. Wait… leave where?”

  Had he been planning to go back to his room before I woke? But he must have, because he was dressed already.

  “What time is it?” I asked, lifting my body halfway up, supporting myself on my elbows.

  “Just after two. Jo… there’s something you should know.”

  I sat up and looked at the duffel bag on the floor beside my desk.

  “What’s going on? Why are you dressed? It was a late night. You should be sleeping in.” I swept my hands through my eyes, wiping away the last of my sleepiness, and looked at him again. I could physically feel my eyes growing wider in slow motion. “Did you cut your hair?”

  “Yes, I had to before I left for the Navy. I didn’t think that it would be so hard to say goodbye. I wanted to remember you laughing, not crying.”

  “Nick?”

  “Jo, we don’t have a week. I’m leaving for the navy today.”

  “No, no, no.” Hoping that I was still dreaming, I blinked several times, but it didn’t work. I was still in my bed, and Nick was dressed, telling me that this was it.

  I shook my head, feeling my throat tighten. He wiped the tears off my cheeks as I struggled to keep myself upright.

  “Please don’t cry, Jo.” He took me into his arms, gently whispering in my ear, “You’re the strongest woman I know, and you can overcome anything. I will be back sooner than you think.”

  “Nick, please…”

  “It would be harder counting down the days. I’m… I’m sorry.”

  “You’re sorry? Nick—”

  “I didn’t want you crying. You mean too much to me to be in so much pain. Please don’t cry. I will love you no matter where I am. And I’ll write to you. I’ll do so whenever I can, the old-fashioned way with pen and paper. Waiting for the letters will feel more special than email.”

  “I love you too. I just… I thought we had more time.”

  “We’ll have a lifetime together, I promise.”

  I pulled in a longer sniffle. There was no way I could control the river of tears streaming down my cheeks. After the best night of my life, I had to face my worst day.

  “We should go downstairs. Your father will drive me to the station.” He looked at his watch. “We don’t have much time.”

  I still couldn’t believe that this was happening to me. The man I’d loved my entire life, whom I’d spent almost every waking hour with, was about to vanish from my life for an entire year. I quickly pulled on a sweatshirt and shorts. He swung the duffel bag over his shoulder and took my hand.

  We walked downstairs without saying a word. I wiped my nose with my sleeve every few moments. My father and Marge were already waiting in the kitchen, their faces almost as somber as mine, yet I couldn’t imagine anyone else bearing the torment and sadness that was tearing my heart apart.

  He took me into his arms one last time, whispering, “I’ll be back before you know it.”

  “Promise?”

  “Yes, baby. There’s nothing more that I want from life. You and me, together, in this little town.”

  We followed our parents outside. My father was already standing by his truck, looking at his watch.

  “But we can have all that right now.” I tried to make the argument one last time.

  “I don’t want to be a coward. I need to be strong for you and for me. I love you, Joelle. I promise you that will never change.”

  “I love you too, Nick. Come back home to me.”

  He nodded and kissed his mother goodbye. She gave him a box of his favorite cookies she’d made earlier. Nick turned around and got into my father’s car. I could have gone with them. In fact, I should have gone with them, but I’d been struck with this news only a few minutes ago, I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I didn’t even think about the possibility. Marge could have managed both our stores for the day. But then again, if I went with him, I was afraid that I’d never let him go. As soon as the truck pulled away, I turned around and slammed into Marge’s body. She held on to me tightly, smoothing my hair like a loving mother.

  I turned back once more to see a wave from Nick, but there was nothing left but dust.

  Nick was gone.

  Chapter 11

  The day Nick left was the most painful one of my life, or at least, my life until that point. I stayed in my sweat pants the entire day, and the next, and the one after that as well. The minutes and hours blended into one continuous blur of time, making me feel more lost than I had ever been — even when we had escaped the bear on our camping trip and lost our way in the forest. At least we were lost together back then.

  I missed our morning runs, stolen glances, and secret kisses. There was no point to waking up or going to sleep. Numbness overtook my body as I sulked in the misery of going on without him. My first two weeks passed with me kneading more dough for the bakery than I had in my life, punching the raw bread when frustration set in and sometimes even tearing it apart, until one mid-summer day, Marge knocked on the front door.

  “Jo? Do you have some time to help me at the bakery?”

  My father touched my shoulder. “I can handle everything here. Go see what Marge needs.”

  “Yeah, sure.”

  I followed Marge back to her store, dragging my feet along the floor. Inside, I put on an apron and a hair net, grasped the piping bag full of cream cheese frosting for the cupcakes, and started squeezing the white goodness on their tops. It took a lot of concentration, which I didn’t have right now, but the mon
otonous activity was satisfying, especially after I looked at the finished rows of cupcakes with their perfectly piped snow caps, all lined up like little soldiers.

  “You know, I too wish he hadn’t left,” Marge said, after the first batch was done.

  I lifted my head in confusion. She’d supported Nick’s decision before he even made it, so I wondered why the change in opinion.

  “I thought you said it’s for his own good.”

  “I did, but I still wish he was here.”

  “How did you deal with it when your husband left? I mean, you had a child already. I don’t know how you’ve gone through it all alone.”

  She pulled a second stool toward the counter and gestured for me to sit.

  “I felt lost. I was just about your age when Kyle left. I didn’t want him to go, but I also didn’t want him to lose his dream. When he came back, he was a changed man. He had matured and there was finally a peace within him that was strong and real. He knew exactly what he wanted from life, and having seen everything that he had made him cherish his days with his family that much more. I think being apart made Kyle stronger. It takes a special kind of man to join the SEALS.”

  She was right. I knew that Nick was special. He was the bravest and strongest man I’d ever known.

  “But your husband died. Aren’t you afraid for Nick?”

  “Of course I am. It’s a risk, but risk is everywhere. He could have stayed here and been a wonderful teacher, police officer, or even a baker, but I wouldn’t want him to regret the choice and be someone else. Or he could have joined Carter at the firehouse, and that’s dangerous as well. My point, Jo, is that you can’t change what God has planned for you. The most difficult battles you face in your life are the ones you don’t expect. They make you stronger.”

  “Is it bad for me to hope that he’ll fail? Or that he’ll change his mind and quit?”

  “You too?” She gave me an understanding smile. “You’ll get through this, honey. I know you will. It will get easier with time, and I’m here for you, and so is your father.”

  I looked at the three batches of fresh cupcakes I’d decorated. “It does help when you’re busy, I guess. Marge, do you mind if I come here in the mornings and decorate these for you this summer? I don’t feel like running anyways, when Nick’s not here, and piping these feels right.”

  “No, I don’t mind at all. Actually, I’d really appreciate that. Do you have time to do a few cakes as well?”

  I had all the time that I needed before I went to college in September — a choice I was more confused about now than before, but I couldn’t quite figure out why.

  “I’d love to.”

  As I spread the buttercream over the cakes, I wondered how many Nick had decorated in his lifetime. It must have been in the thousands. And while I’d done a few more since the time he helped me bake for Marge, the professional way in which Nick moved his wrist and spun the turn table was definitely a skill I’d need to practice for thousands of hours if I wanted to decorate as fast.

  Two hours had passed before I was done. I looked over my work, pleased, and set the cakes underneath the display glass just as the front door opened.

  Daisy and Carter walked through the door, hand in hand, and sat down at the table for two.

  “Are you guys checking up on me?” I asked.

  “Can’t two friends come over for a visit without being harassed?” Carter’s over-the-top look of innocence reminded me why I loved my friends so much.

  “We’re worried about you. We haven’t seen you around, Jo. I hope you’re not planning on hiding out until Nick comes back,” Daisy said.

  I sort of was, but I wasn’t about to tell her that. “I’m just trying to keep busy.”

  “Great! That’s the exact answer I was waiting for.”

  Wait, what?

  “Come out next weekend with us. There’s a dance being held at the old barn. The fire department is raising funds to update their equipment. It’ll be fun.”

  “Thanks, guys. But I don’t want to be a third wheel.”

  “You won’t be. Molly’s going, and so is most of our class.”

  “I’m afraid I wouldn’t be any fun.”

  “I’m pretty sure that we can wipe that frown off your sad face for a couple of hours. Come on, we’re leaving for college in a month and a half. There won’t be another opportunity to party together for a while.” Daisy pouted.

  I shifted my weight from one foot to the other, wondering what Nick would have done. If we were together, I was sure that we would have gone, but on my own?

  “I don’t know.”

  “If you’re not having a good time in the first hour, I’ll personally drive you home,” Carter offered.

  “I’m taking that offer very seriously.”

  “Does that mean a yes?” Daisy asked, warily looking at me, waiting to pounce with a hug.

  I nodded.

  “Yay!” She shot off her chair and threw her arms around me, squeezing hard. “It wouldn’t be the same without you. I promise we’re going to have the best time ever.”

  For the first time since Nick left, I felt a tiny lift in my mood. Maybe they were right. A night out dancing was definitely one way to relax.

  “This will be good for you, Jo,” Marge whispered from behind me.

  “Thanks.”

  I packed up the batch of cookies Daisy and Carter had ordered earlier and took another order from Carter while Daisy was busy checking out some of the cakes I’d just decorated.

  “This is for the firefighter’s fundraiser, but Daisy can’t know about it. When will you bake it?”

  “Carter, it’s an order for one cupcake. I’m pretty sure I can handle it.”

  He looked back toward Daisy who was busy checking out one of the cakes, and then lowered his voice even more. “Can I trust you?”

  “Of course you can.”

  “Then you need to come with me to the city tomorrow.”

  “Why?”

  He covered his lips with his finger. “I’ll let you know tomorrow, but you can’t say anything to anyone.”

  My mind grew more curious and I got exciting tingles all over, wondering about Carter’s secrecy.

  “I promise I won’t. I’ll be ready at nine?”

  “Perfect.”

  “What are you two whispering about?” Daisy asked.

  “Carter says your favorite flavor is chocolate. I told him vanilla, but he’s not listening.”

  “I L.O.V.E vanilla. Not everything vanilla” – she winked – “but cupcakes, definitely.”

  “See, I told you so,” I grinned, before realizing what Daisy had meant, and then felt my cheeks heat. Up to this point, I hadn’t even thought whether Nick liked everything vanilla either, simply because we’d just become intimate before he left. I made a note to ask him in one of my letters.

  “I’ll see you two at the dance, then.”

  Daisy hugged me again. “See you soon.”

  Once they left, I gave the single cupcake order to Marge. “What do you think it means?”

  She covered her mouth as if she knew something that I didn’t. “Well, if it were my guess, I’d say that Carter’s planning to propose.”

  “Really?” I almost squealed. “Oh, my God! You’re right. He’s going to put the ring in the cupcake, isn’t he?”

  “Well, I don’t think right in the cupcake, but possibly on top of it. Jo, you have to find out, though, because if I know ahead of time, I can make it that much more special.”

  “I’m going to town with him tomorrow. He said he needs help with something and I shouldn’t say anything to anyone. Wait, I just broke a promise.”

  “Honey, your secret is safe with me.”

  I looked at my watch and realized that I’d been at the bakery longer than planned, and there was still another load of breads to bake before the afternoon.

  “Do you need anything else?”

  “No, thank you. I’ll see you tomorrow around two?”r />
  “Sounds perfect.” I stopped before heading out the door. “Have you heard anything from Nick?”

  “No. Not yet. But I’m sure we will soon.”

  “Okay.”

  I went back home to help my father, but the batch I’d planned to help him with was already in the oven.

  “I’m sorry I started without you, honey. It’s all done now.”

  “I didn’t expect to be there so long.”

  “Oh, don’t worry. I don’t mind at all.”

  “So, what’s next?”

  “Nothing. Why don’t you take some time for yourself?”

  Myself?

  He then reached into his apron pocket and waved an envelope that was addressed to me.

  “I think someone’s been waiting a long time for this.”

  It took less than a second to register Nick’s handwriting. My heart jumped up as I rushed across the room to get my first letter. “Thank you so much.”

  I skipped every second step upstairs and locked myself in my room to read it in private. My fingers trembled and hands sweat as I pulled the scissors through the envelope, ripping it open. It had been hard to wait for an envelope, but it was so much more romantic than an email. I knew I’d keep it beside me and reread it often. Maybe even sleep with it under my pillow.

  My Dearest Joelle,

  I hope this letter finds you well. Before you start reading, please wipe the tears away. It hurts too much knowing that you’ll cry each time I write. I don’t want you crying.

  I chuckled. Him asking me not to cry was like trying to stop Niagara Falls from flowing. Still, I pulled my sleeve over my cheeks and eyes, drying them, so that I could at least read the letter.

  To say that I miss you would be blasphemy. Not a second passes that you’re not on my mind. You fill my days and nights, motivate me to pull through the torturous minutes and hours of training, and remind me of what I need to do. You give me strength I didn’t know I had.

  I have to be honest, I don’t know how often I can write to you, but I will every time I can. I wish I could say that I was counting the days to my return, but everything here blends into one continuous string of time and it’s hard to tell the days from the nights. Sleep is a luxury I don’t always have. I don’t know how long it’s been since I’ve been gone until I look at the calendar. That only makes me crave you even more. When I lie down in my bunk, I look out the window and see the night sky, yours and mine, and I wonder whether you’re on your rooftop. Hoping to connect with you on some level, I pretend that you are watching the same stars I am.