Yours and Mine (Friends with Benefits)

by Lacey Silks

  If he’d known? What did he mean by that? Apprehensive, I crossed my arms over my chest. I didn’t trust my hands not to fly right to his chest to feel him. Was this still the same man I loved?

  “Jo...” He took another step toward me.

  I lifted my hand, palm flat out toward him. “Stop. Don’t come any closer. I’m not sure I can take that just yet.”

  “Okay.” He backed up to the spot he was standing in before, by the kitchen counter. That’s when the interior finally caught my eye. It was everything Nick had described to me the night he proposed, but I’d never imagined it this beautiful and perfect. He shifted, drawing my gaze back to him.

  I took a deep breath in. “How are you alive?”

  “I didn’t know I was dead.”

  “What?”

  “They made a mistake.”

  “That’s one big mistake, Nick. What happened?” My voice was trembling and I was an inch away from breaking down right there. Nick went to the fridge and took out a bottled water. He set it down on the wooden counter, which was coated with something to make it smooth, and motioned toward it for me to have a drink. I needed a drink, but definitely not water.

  “Do you have something stronger?”

  His brow rose, but he didn’t question my request, and instead reached underneath the counter and poured what looked like bourbon into a glass and then reached for a can of ginger ale.

  “Just the ice is fine.”

  I got another glance at the gorgeous countertop. It was a tree plank, crafted from the middle of what I assumed had been a ginormous tree, with all the rings stretching its length, knots and imperfections adding to the natural look. I turned in a circle, once, then again halfway, mesmerized by the interior; or maybe I was afraid to look at Nick again because my body wanted to run to him to be held by those arms. Just one touch — that’s all I craved, to keep me going for the next part of my life. I took a swig of the alcohol and closed my eyes. It flowed through my veins, instantly warming me as well as making my head spin a little. I felt something behind me and jolted up.

  “It’s just a chair, Jo. You should have a seat.”

  I nodded, and given that my knees were still shaking, I lowered myself into the chair.

  “There was another guy with the same last name in our troop. His first name was Nelson. The papers… they messed them up. They saw N. Tuscan and they got the wrong guy. I never knew you were told that I died. Not until I came back and figured out that things had changed.”

  “That doesn’t make any sense. You were supposed to be gone for two years only. If you were alive, which you obviously were, why didn’t you come back when you were supposed to? I wrote letters. So many letters…” I shook my head.

  “I had to finish the fight that Nelson began. He saved my life and lost his. There was no time to explain and the decision was quick. It meant another three years of deployment. I wrote you a letter before I was shipped off and gave it to one of my Fleet Commanders. I’d spend the next two years deployed on a submarine. I thought you’d know.”

  “I never got any letters.”

  “I figured that when I saw you kneeling by my headstone at the cemetery. I later found out that my Fleet Commander suffered a heart attack just after we were deployed, so I don’t think he ever got a chance to send it.”

  I took another swift sip, feeling the burn in my throat flow into my stomach.

  “How long have you been back, Nick?”

  “Since January.”

  “Six months?” I wanted to punch him in his arm – actually anywhere – but touching him would have been too painful. “You’ve been back for six months, and you didn’t bother telling us that you were alive? Jesus, what were you thinking?”

  “I saw you and Carter on New Year’s Eve. I wanted to surprise you, and then I saw you dancing in his arms, and I really thought that death would have been better for me.”

  “Nick! You… you… I don’t even know what to say.” I was so mad at him that I could feel the rage burning right out of my eyes. So much had happened. My life had been flipped upside down since our last goodbye, and I’d thought I was beginning to grasp my life without Nick, living with my best friend, Carter. Carter, who’d helped me through one of the darkest moments of my life, who was there for me when Mackenzie was born, and when I got the news about Nick’s death. Carter, who had always been there for me. But Nick wasn’t dead. He was back. He was actually back.

  “Do our parents know you’re alive?”

  “No.”

  “Well, good luck with that. You may need that headstone after all.”

  I was feeling the alcohol ease my anxiety. It was exactly what I needed.

  “I see you haven’t lost your sense of humor.”

  “I’m just not sure what to say or do.”

  “I love you, Joelle. I never stopped loving you.”

  “Nick, I never stopped loving you either, but you’ve been dead to me for over three years now and out of my life for five. I never thought I’d see you again. I still can’t believe this isn’t some sort of a dream where I’ll wake up and you’ll be gone.”

  His face twisted in pain.

  “I know it doesn’t sound right, but that’s the reality I’ve been living. I had to keep going for my family. I… I didn’t know you were out there. My feelings are all jumbled up, and I need time to process this.”

  I lowered my head to my knees, feeling my pulse rushing too quickly through my veins, then looked up at him again. He pulled another chair and sat across from me, about three feet away. Even from this distance, I could feel the energy buzzing between us.

  “I’m back now, and if there’s even an ounce of a chance that you’ll have me in your life, then I’ll take it. I know it’s confusing right now, and I know you’re with Carter. But I want you to know that I will do everything in my power to prove to you how much I love you. I’m a stupid man who left the only woman he ever loved and who is ready to beg for her forgiveness for the rest of his life. And no matter how much I beg, I know that I don’t deserve it. I won’t ever deserve you and your love, but I won’t stop trying.”

  He thought I was with Carter? I shook my head, trying to make sense of everything, but I didn’t correct him. There was too much going on at this moment. Nick was close enough to me now that I could smell him. The masculine scent I remembered was still intoxicating, even more so than the drink I was holding in my hand.

  “It’s just… I’m confused. So much has happened.” I looked around the renovated barn and tears started falling down my cheeks. This was supposed to be our home, our forever after. We were supposed to get married and live here, and raise our children close to our family.

  Mackenzie. Did he know about her? Would he be shocked? Would it change our relationship? I wasn’t ready to bring my daughter – our daughter – into this mess of a life I couldn’t even understand. I didn’t want to confuse her. She’d seen his pictures and photographs, but most of them were from our teenage years, and Nick was a man now.

  I knew that it was wrong to keep Mackenzie away from her father. But I was so mad at him, first for leaving us, then for being dead when he wasn’t. How was I supposed to tell her that her dead father, whom she knew only as a headstone and a few photographs, was alive? I couldn’t. Not yet — at least, not until I was sure that he would be back in our lives permanently. What if this was just another month in town for him? What if he was going to leave tomorrow and was here to tell me his last goodbye because the navy had changed their mind again? I felt a lump form in my throat. I’d never forgive him if he did that.

  “Will you be deployed again?”

  “No. Agreeing to the last deployment meant that I could return home and work online as a consultant to the Navy. I’ll go away for a week every few months, but then I’ll be home. My plan was to come back, marry you, renovate this place, and have our happily ever after, Jo. Instead, I found you’d moved on.”

  Moved on? How? He must have been th
inking about Carter. Would he really remain in Hope Bay forever? Was this permanent? And if so, how could I live so close to him and have all these feelings bubbling inside of me all the time? Now that Nick was back, he’d fill every second of my spare time, as well as the busy time. How could I stop thinking about him? I never could and never would. The pearl drops of my tears fell to my lap and I wiped them with the back of my hand.

  “I’m… It’s too much right now.”

  “I understand, Jo. I won’t push you or hurt you ever again, but I also won’t stop fighting for you.”

  “I need time to process this. Is this where you’re living now?”

  “Yes. The barn is yours and mine.”

  I felt my brows scrunch together. “Nick, you can’t be saying things like that to me. So much has happened. I…”

  By now I was sobbing. It was so hard to hear this, to hear him, to see him. And then he touched me, wiping the tear away with his thumb. I jerked back and brought my hand to the searing imprint of his thumb on my skin as my memory flashed back in time to all the times he’d touched me, held me, and loved me.

  “Don’t cry, Jo. Please.”

  “I… I can’t help it.” I wiped my nose with my sleeve. “I don’t know what to think.”

  “I’m almost done with the renovations. I should probably visit Mom before the end of the day and explain things. I’ve had some time to think about you and me and what a fool I’ve been. I’m afraid I made the biggest mistake of my life when I left. And I’m even more afraid that there’s no chance of fixing it. Tell me there’s no chance, Jo. Tell me and I’ll turn around and leave and you’ll never see me again. But if there’s a sliver of hope I can hold onto, then I will until the day I die.”

  I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t. I didn’t want him to leave, for our daughter’s sake, but I needed time to figure things out. If I’d thought that my life was complicated before, then right now it was in the middle of a full out nuclear war.

  He smiled at my silence.

  “The stone on my porch. That was you, wasn’t it?”

  “Yes. I saw you with your daughter by the lake. You were teaching her how to skip stones. I just thought she could use that perfect one you gave to me.”

  “You’ve seen us?”

  “Yes, by accident. I went to Pebble Beach to clear my head, and you two were there. So I stayed hidden. I needed to figure out how to break the news of my mortality to you.”

  “Her name is Mackenzie.”

  “She’s beautiful, just like her mother. She’s got your nose, hair, and eyes. And freckles. She has your freckles as well.”

  I smiled. While Nick may have seen me in her, I saw him. Her gestures, words, and abilities were all inherited from him.

  “I thought I was going crazy when she brought the stone. I thought she’d found it back at the house.”

  “I’m sorry, Jo. I’m so sorry.”

  An uncomfortable silence buzzed between us, or maybe it was something else. I looked up, connecting our gazes. My tears were falling, but I couldn’t stop staring at the man I’d thought was gone.

  “I should go home. This is… no, I’m sorry.” I stood up, set the empty bourbon glass aside, and headed for the door. A gentle touch on my hand when I reached for the handle startled me. Heat snaked its way up my arm and through my body, reviving a long forgotten need for a man I loved, forcing my heart on a new stampede and my mind to travel back in time, to when we were still together and life seemed uncomplicated.

  I can’t do this.

  “Please, forgive me.”

  I exhaled. Forgive him for what? Miscommunication? The awful way in which Fate had torn us apart? The only forgiveness I could give was for his first decision to leave, and I’d made peace with that a long time ago.

  “I’m at the bakery every day.”

  “I know.”

  He knew. Of course he knew. He’d known all about my life for the past six months when I thought he was six feet under. Well, technically I’d known he wasn’t there, because we never got a body back, but that’s where I’d thought him to be, at peace. I turned around before I left and looked at him once again.

  “You need to tell your mother what happened. Do it before tomorrow because I won’t be able to keep this secret even for a second.”

  “I will, I p—”

  “Don’t promise. Please don’t promise.”

  That may have been a direct stab to the heart, but how could I believe another one of his promises? The last one he’d made, to come back safely after two years, he broke. Still, deep inside, I knew that he meant it. It wasn’t his fault that he couldn’t fulfill it.

  I gave him a weak smile and left. I didn’t even turn around to see whether he closed the door behind me, because I knew that he didn’t. He was watching me, the heat of his stare burning into my skin. I was afraid that if I turned, I’d run back into his arms and never let go. But I had others to think about: Mackenzie and Carter. They both deserved an explanation, except that I didn’t know what the right explanation was.

  Carter drove us home in silence. When I finally closed the door, blocking out the world, I leaned my back against it and slowly lowered my body to the ground, sobbing.

  “Shh, it’s okay, Jo. Everything’s going to be okay.”

  “How can you be so sure?”

  “I don’t know; but I do know that whatever happens, you’ll have my full support.”

  Was he saying what I thought he was saying? That I was free to make a decision, any decision, and he wouldn’t object? He wouldn’t fight for me? Did I want him to? I sort of did, even though we were only best friends.

  “I’m so confused.”

  “I know, Cupcake. I know. But we’ll figure it out. You have a beautiful girl, a successful business, and a best friend that will forever have your back.”

  “Thank you, Carter. For everything.”

  As I sat there, I thought how difficult it had been to come to terms with Nick’s death, and wondered whether it’d be even harder to accept his new life.

  Chapter 27

  That afternoon, as Mackenzie frolicked in the pool with Carter, feeling a need for normalcy, or maybe to clear my head, I took my purse and walked to the grocery store. The shock of seeing Nick a few hours ago was still messing with me. I felt like I’d stepped out of a dream. Believing that he was alive would definitely take more convincing. At one point, I wanted to run back to that barn, throw my arms around his neck, and never let him go. A memory of that gentle touch of his fingers rushed through me, setting the hairs on my arms on full alert.

  As I approached Mrs. Crafton’s store, I stopped and held my breath. There he was, in the middle of our street, loading up his truck with evergreens from the nursery by the general store. I sucked air in through my nose and, feeling anger burst, I marched over to him, pushing him on the arm.

  “What the hell are you doing here?” I pushed him to the side where the truck would cover him somewhat. I didn’t mean to be so rough; but then again, maybe it was just an excuse to touch him to make sure he was real.

  “Jo, I’m just getting a few supplies.”

  I looked back to the store and grabbed his thick arm, pulling him out of direct view, yearning for that slight touch again. It would take a long time to convince me that he was real, and I wanted as much convincing as possible.

  “What if someone recognized you? Have you told your mother?”

  I finally let go of him. He scratched his long beard with his hand. His hair was still up in a bun.

  “Not yet.”

  “Do you know what would happen if she ran into you?”

  I was close enough to smell him, and my head thrummed when his scent infiltrated my lungs, sending memories of the past deep into my lungs with one inhale. It was an intoxicating blend of the man I used to know and someone new - someone adventurous and exciting. I got a tightening feeling in my chest and my stomach tingled in a funny way.

  “Jo, I doubt she’d re
cognize me with this beard and hair.”

  Concentrating with him so close to me, the heat of him enveloping my body, was difficult, but I shook it off.

  “Any mother would recognize her child, no matter how many years have passed. Trust me.”

  “I guess you should know. Ahm, congratulations.”

  “For what?”

  “Your daughter. She’s beautiful. Old Mr. Grafton’s house looks good too.”

  He wasn’t saying what we were both thinking, except he was wrong. I could see the assumption of me living with Carter swirl in his mind, and I thought about correcting him, but I couldn’t. It would take a long time to explain everything that had happened, and I wanted to – just under different circumstances. This was the first time I truly felt guilty for not telling him the truth as soon as I found out that he was alive. But how could I have? I was in shock. And now, well, I just had to find the right time.

  “Listen, Nick. After you talk to your mom, we should probably talk as well.”

  “I was hoping you’d say that.”

  “Pebble Beach. Meet me there tomorrow afternoon, but only after you speak with your mom.”

  “I promise to be there, Jo.”

  “Good, okay then. Bye.” I twirled on my foot and left the captivating aura of his aroma behind.

  It was still with me when I returned home. Carter was sitting on the couch, watching the news. A long drought had sparked fires in the north. Many firefighters from larger cities were called out to assist, and Carter was getting antsy, waiting for his opportunity to help. Captain Clark said they had to remain in Hope Bay, because let’s face it, we only had one firehouse. Come to think of it, I didn’t remember the last time it had rained in Hope Bay.

  “Hey, how did shopping go?” Carter asked.

  “Shopping?”

  Oh, my God! I totally forgot about shopping after I ran into Nick, and I knew that Carter could see it all over my face. I looked around the room for Mackenzie, careful not to bring up her father’s return in front of her before I figured out how to tell her the truth.