Dead Inside

by PM Kavanaugh

  Where are you? Why haven’t you come back?

  “I need a spoken answer,” the tech prodded.

  Anika blew out a breath. “I’m frustrated.”

  “Is that everything? I need to submit a full report.”

  She should have said yes to him that night. Yes to his invitation for coffee at the café that reminded him of home. Yes to a romantic relationship.

  Even though they both knew it was dangerous. It risked breaking an agency rule. U.N.I.T. didn’t permit any behavior that might jeopardize mission performance. That included forming strong attachments inside or outside the agency. It especially included romantic relationships between operatives. The instructors had made that very clear in the first weeks of training.

  Gianni had told her that as long as they both maintained mission proficiency, they could follow the agency’s rule and pursue a relationship. He had said it was worth the risk. She was worth the risk. His admission had both scared and thrilled her. Mostly thrilled.

  Then he had told her to think about it and give him an answer when she was ready. She should have said yes right then. Instead, she stayed silent as he boarded the jet plane and flew off on a new mission. Only when he was in the air, out of earshot, had she whispered her acceptance. He didn’t know how much she wanted him, how much she missed him. Her shoulders drooped. “I feel regret.”

  The tech appeared at Anika’s side and removed the sensors. “You can go.”

  Anika licked her dry lips. “How did I do?”

  “I’ll provide the results to Second,” she said, referring to the female officer who was second-in-command at U.N.I.T. 605. “Remain on premise until you receive further instructions.”

  Chapter 3

  Anika awoke the next morning in a private room reserved for Level 1 operatives. The first thing she saw was her friend, Mari Barnes, another newly-graduated operative, sitting on the floor at the foot of her bed. Her curly hair was bunched in a knot atop her head.

  Anika pressed her fingertips against her closed eyes, gritty from a restless night of troubling dreams. “I feel like droid crap,” she said.

  Mari didn’t respond. With her back against the bedframe, arms wrapped tight around bent knees, she stared at the blank wall in front of her.

  Anika rolled over on her side. “You all right?”

  Mari turned her head. Her blue eyes were wide and unblinking. “I have a new mission.” Mari’s words came out in a hoarse whisper.

  Anika sat up. “Oka-a-ay. Is that bad?” Her mind felt sluggish. “You did fine on your first mission. Graduated to Level One, like me. So, what’s the problem?”

  “You know I can’t tell you.” Mari hung her head. “You’re not part of the team.”

  “I know that.” Anika’s voice sharpened in irritation. She was so tired from tossing and turning for the past eight hours. Mari curled into herself even more. The gesture slap-stung Anika. She took a breath and smoothed the edge from her voice. “Don’t give me any details. Just tell me what’s got you spooked.”

  “Unless...” Mari’s eyebrows lifted and her face regained some color. “Can you ask to be assigned to it? I’d feel so much better if you were on it, too.”

  Anika counted to three before responding. “I don’t think they’ll assign me to any missions with this.” She held up her wrist, still in the flex-cast.

  Her injury hadn’t caused her restlessness. Neither had the debriefing results. The previous night, Nigatu had found her at the dessert bar. She’d been trying to decide between two options—as a new Level 1, she still had to adhere to the agency’s nutrition requirements. The cherry-flavored gel cup would only cost her a single day’s credit of sugar and fat, whereas the twelve-layer chocolate skyscraper would use up her dessert credits for the rest of the month. But after the day she’d had, maybe it was worth it.

  “Congratulations,” Nigatu had said. “You passed the debriefing. Starting tomorrow, report in for more arms training. Left-handed shooting, until you’re as proficient as your dominant hand.”

  A cool breeze of relief rushed through her. She ordered the chocolate skyscraper.

  Given the good news, she’d thought she would sleep like a baby. Instead, her dreams had been filled with images of the terrorist, mixed with ones of Gianni gazing into her eyes, waiting for her answer. Paralysis gripped her as she tried to move her trigger finger, as she tried to form words. More than once, she had shot upright in bed, squeezing an imaginary trigger and crying out yes.

  “I have to rappel off a thirty-story building,” Mari said, shuddering. “During the mission.”

  “You’re still afraid of heights?” Anika asked. “Even with all the bio psych training?”

  Mari nodded. “What am I going to do?”

  “Same as me.” Anika swung her feet to the floor and stood up. Reaching down, she grabbed Mari’s arm, and pulled her to standing. “Hit the showers, then the dining annex, then the training facility, where we’re going to train until you can rappel and I can shoot left-handed like it’s encoded into our DNA.”

  *

  Forty-seven minutes later, Anika and Mari stood at the base of the rappelling wall, harnesses and ropes in their gloved hands. Back here, they could barely hear the sounds of other operatives and recruits training in the forward areas—running laps on the gyro-tracks, firing practice rounds in the target chambers, engaging in hand-to-hand fighting.

  Mari looked up at the wall that ran eleven stories high. “I’m going to be sick.”

  “I told you not to eat that third pancake,” Anika said. “Didn’t that use up all your carb credits for the week?”

  “Worth it.” Marie swallowed. “I eat when I’m nervous.”

  “You’ll be fine. We’ll start slow with a six-meter rappel. Okay?”

  “Three-meter.”

  “That’s not a rappel. That’s a jump-and-roll,” Anika said. “Six meters.”

  Mari nodded, a sheen of sweat coating her pale skin.

  They slipped on their harnesses, attached the ropes, and entered the auto-lift. When they stopped at the six-meter mark, Mari didn’t move. She was as still as she had been that morning at the foot of Anika’s bed.

  Anika grabbed her friend by the shoulders. “You can do this. Take it one step at a time. Keep breathing. And whatever you do, don’t look down.”

  Moving as if sludge had replaced the blood in her veins, Mari exited the lift onto the ledge that ran the width of the wall. Anika followed. Seven steps out, they turned to face the wall, their backs to the open expanse behind them.

  Anika could hear the clickclickclick of Mari’s teeth. “Brace your legs against the ledge and lean back.” She watched Mari adopt the proper pre-release stance. “On the count of three. One, two...” She reached for the green button on her gear. Stopped. Mari had gone still again. “Three!” She punched her and Mari’s release buttons at the same time.

  “Noooo!” Mari cried.

  “Pump your legs,” Anika yelled as they dropped. “Lean forward more.” The ground below loomed closer.

  Within seconds, they touched down.

  Anika turned to face her friend, whose face had lost some of its pallor. “See? Piece of ca—”

  Mari’s fist shot out and landed in Anika’s gut. Despite her pretty features and slender frame, she packed a mean punch. “Why did you hit my release button?” Mari roared. “I wasn’t ready.”

  Anika took a few deep breaths, fighting for control of her stomach—and her anger. “Your teeth have stopped chattering. So...” She sucked in another breath. “You’re welcome. Now that you’re pissed off instead of scared, we’ll go again. Twelve meters.”

  Mari scowled and crossed her arms.

  “And this time,” Anika said, keeping her voice even, “we’ll change the scenario. More like a real mission. We’ll do a double rappel. I’ll pretend to be a hostile whom you’ve been ordered to capture for interrogation.”

  A gleam appeared in Mari’s eye. “If that’s the case, shou
ldn’t you be unconscious because you’ve resisted and I’ve had to kick your ass into submission?”

  “Good point.” Anika dropped to the ground and lay still, playing her part. She trusted that her friend had exorcised her anger with that one punch. And she hoped that the effort of having to drag her body into the lift, attach their harnesses, and maneuver them both onto the ledge would keep Mari from thinking too much about the height of the next rappel.

  The next minutes were filled with Mari’s grunts and curses as she executed a clean double rappel. When they landed back at the base of the wall, Anika opened her eyes and clapped Mari on the shoulder. “Great job.”

  Mari bent forward and vomited the remains of her pancake breakfast onto the floor.

  Anika disengaged her harness from Mari’s and walked over to a wall panel. She keyed in a request for a service droid, then grabbed a piece of plastic tubing positioned at waist height along the wall. Flipping open one end of the tube, she brought it to her mouth and gulped down cucumber-flavored water. “Clean-up droid is coming,” she said. “Want some?” She held out the tube of water.

  Mari nodded and took a few sips. “Ugh, I hate cucumber. Why can’t they flavor this stuff with cherry or something decent?”

  After the droid had wiped up the vomit and scented the air with the fresh smell of a spring morning, Anika asked, “Ready to go again?”

  Mari sighed and gave a weak smile. “Sure, what the hell. Until it’s encoded in our DNA, right?”

  “Right.”

  When they had completed two more rappels, each one progressively higher, Anika decided she could leave her friend to practice on her own. She removed her handheld from her sleeve pocket and took a picture of Mari, cheeks rosy, eyes bright. She turned the screen to her friend. “See? Proof you’re still alive.”

  “I guess.” Mari shrugged. “I wish I weren’t so afraid.”

  “Remember what they told us in our recruit days. Sometimes, the fear won’t go away. So you have to do it—”

  “Afraid.” Mari grimaced. “I hate that Zen crap.”

  Anika laughed. “I’ve got to take off.” She stepped out of her harness and wiped the sweat off her face. “You keep at it, okay?”

  “You’re leaving?” Mari’s color dimmed.

  “I need to hit the target chamber and practice shooting with my left hand, or Nigatu will have my ass.”

  “Want some company?” Mari asked. “I could use some left-handed target practice myself. Then we could do more rappelling this afternoon.” Mari started to remove her harness, but Anika stopped her.

  “I have PT this afternoon.” Anika grimaced. “With the EO machine,” she added, referring to the electro-osteo stimulator that accelerated bone recovery. She had endured many sessions during her ten months as a recruit. Painful, but effective.

  “Double ugh,” Mari said.

  “Yeah, well, that’ll teach me to stop being so clumsy when I’m in the field.”

  “Is that really why you fell?” Mari asked.

  Guilt squeezed Anika’s chest. She wanted to tell the truth, but she was afraid. For herself and her friend. If Mari were ever asked, Anika didn’t want her to have to lie.

  “You were never clumsy during recruit training,” Mari added.

  The pressure in Anika’s chest increased. Anxiety overrode guilt. Were people questioning her version of what had happened? Had Mari heard something? But she had passed the debriefing test. Nigatu had confirmed it.

  Anika shrugged. “It’s different in the field. You know that.”

  “Yeah, I guess,” Mari said, turning her attention back to her gear. “Want to meet up for dinner?”

  “Sure. That would be great.” The tightness in Anika’s chest eased. “And Mari?” Her friend looked up, eyebrows raised. “No second helpings at lunch, okay?”

  Mari rolled her eyes. “Copy that!”

  Chapter 4

  Anika slid her food tray onto a table for two in a corner of the dining annex. The gel-carpeted floor and sound-absorbent walls muted the noises in the room. The relative quiet was a welcome change from the large, noisy hall where she and the other recruits used to eat.

  She stared at her plate of angel hair pasta with tomato cream sauce and a side of sourdough bread soaked in herb-scented olive oil. Comfort food. She should have skipped the bread, or the oil, or both. They used up most of her carb and fat credits for the week. At this rate, she’d be limited to vegetable nuggets with protein additives for the next several days.

  She rested her sore wrist on the table. It still ached from the final round with the EO machine. She twirled strands of the thin silky noodles around her fork. Food from Gianni’s native country. The unbidden thought streaked through her mind and she dropped the fork. Stop it! Stop thinking about him.

  She stabbed at the pasta again, lifted up a mound of it, and shoved it into her mouth. Creamy warmth slid down her throat. The quality of the food was also a welcome change from the glop served to recruits. Even with the nutritional restrictions.

  A view would be nice, she thought, staring at the blank wall ahead of her. But the building didn’t include windows to the outside. What would be the point? The only things to see outside the walls of the subterranean complex were layers of rock and dirt. And a window-sized hologram of the ocean at sunset or a mountain vista would probably be considered too much of a distraction from the tough-minded workings of the agency.

  She reached for the bread and pulled off a chunk. Concentrate on your advanced training, even if he’s not here to supervise it, like he promised. And don’t screw up again. Do—

  “Guess what?” Mari plopped down into the chair opposite Anika. Her hands fisted in front of her mouth as if she was trying to hold back a secret. Before Anika could speak, Mari blurted out, “My mission’s been called off!” Her eyes sparkled, twin blue-colored diamonds. “Isn’t that great?”

  “Mari.” Anika brought her fingers to her lips in a “stop talking” gesture. Her gaze swept the area around them. None of the operatives seated nearby glanced their way. They were engaged in their own conversations or engrossed with their handhelds. Still, the steady red light on three security cams told Anika the room was being monitored. “We’re not alone, you know.”

  “Who cares?” Mari jiggled in her seat. “I’m not saying anything about the mission itself. Just that it’s been canceled. I got word after lunch. I wanted to tell you right away, but the PT goons wouldn’t let me in to see you.”

  Anika eyebrows drew together and her lips twisted in confusion. “Canceled or postponed?”

  Mari shrugged. “Canceled. For now. That’s good enough for me. I’m going to grab a tray.” She eyed Anika’s plate. “That looks credit-busting, by the way. Be right back.” She jumped up and hurried over to the auto-serve station.

  “How did the rappelling go this afternoon?” Anika asked when Mari returned with a tray of steak and potatoes smothered in gravy. “What was your longest descent?”

  Mari cut into her meat and speared a bite. “Want a taste?” She extended her fork.

  Anika shook her head and leaned back. Mari dropped her gaze. “Tell me you practiced. We had a deal.”

  “Easy for you to say.” Mari continued to stare at her plate. “You’re not afraid of anything.”

  “That’s not true,” Anika said.

  “Oh, yeah?” Mari’s gaze shot up. The sparkle in her eyes had grown hotter, like the diamonds had been thrown into a fire. “Name one.”

  Anika bit down on her lip. Even if there’d been no security cams, she didn’t know how much she should reveal to her friend. “I’m afraid...” She lowered her voice. “I’m afraid of screwing up my next mission and getting kicked out of here.” Even if it wasn’t the whole story, the statement was true. And similar to what she had said in the debriefing.

  “Well, that’s not going to happen.” The fire in Mari’s gaze dampened and she took a bite of food. “Not to our class’s top recruit, who graduated two months bef
ore everyone else.”

  “Everyone except Jett,” Anika whispered. Jett Silva had been assigned the North Korean embassy mission ahead of Anika. But she had been killed in the middle of it and Anika had been ordered to step in as her replacement.

  “Jett didn’t graduate. She didn’t complete the mission. You did. And you haven’t screwed up since.”

  Anika held up her broken wrist. “What do you call this?”

  “Wardrobe screw-up,” Mari said. “Your boots should have been treated with an anti-slip coating, or something.”

  “I wish I had thought of that for the debriefing,” Anika said.

  “It’s not like you missed your target,” Mari continued. “You didn’t get a chance to take your shot.”

  Anika’s stomach clenched. If only her friend were right.

  “Don’t be mad at me for not practicing,” Mari said, mistaking Anika’s expression as disapproval instead of self-reproach. “Please? I couldn’t make myself do it.”

  Affection for her friend unfurled in Anika. Her stomach unclenched and her mouth relaxed. “I’m not mad.” She squeezed Mari’s hand in reassurance. She hadn’t felt friendship toward anyone in a long time. Not since Skye and Nadia, close friends of hers in the orphanage. Until they were both adopted and joined their new families, leaving Anika behind. She had made up her mind that it was less painful to avoid getting close to anyone after that. But now that she and Mari both belonged at U.N.I.T., had both been chosen as recruits, had both graduated, they wouldn’t leave each other behind. “It’s just that I want you to kick ass in here. So we can both stay.”

  “Tomorrow.” Mari took in a deep breath. “Back to the wall. I promise.” She looked down at her empty plate, then over at Anika’s. “You going to finish that?” she asked, eyeing the swirls of pasta.