by R. H. Vesely
Her grandmother was sitting in the room sipping a cocktail evidently awaiting his appearance. She was surprisingly young, probably mid fifties he thought and though obviously quite the ticket when younger she had now gained weight and she had the look of someone who drank on a regular basis.
"So this is Pat. Hi I'm Kelley's grandmother, ugh not my favorite word, grandmother. Please just call me Peg.
Would you like a beer. We have some in the mini fridge that are cold."
"Sure," said Pat, thinking wow, very cool, hell of a contrast to Marshall's grandparents where anything beyond a Fresca was out of the question.
After a brief get to know you chat with Peg, where they awkwardly avoided touching each other, Kelley and Pat headed to the private beach in front of the hotel. They found a nice secluded spot in some small dunes and sat down on a towel facing each other just smiling and staring.
Pat broke the silence, "I don't know why I am so damn happy to see you but god I am, it's nuts."
"Why nuts? I remember every detail of that night as if it happened ten minutes ago. Don't you?" she said, taking his hand.
Pat had to admit, he did and added, "And the weirdest thing to me is that the feelings of closeness we had in that bedroom came flooding back to me the moment I saw you on the beach. I was rocked, I couldn't move."
Kelley smiled took his hand and softly kissed him.
"I know," she said softly looking down and then looking back up at Pat with a smirk on her face.
Unfortunately, when she had taken Pat's hand, the bag had fallen on the towel and several of the contents had spilled out onto the towel. Pat looked down and was mortified as he saw Kelley staring back down at them as he fumbled to get them back in the bag. Then she quickly looked up with a big smile, stood up, grabbed his hand pulling him up and ran towards the water and they dove in together. As they surfaced, Kelley swept her dark hair back jumped on Pat wrapping her legs around his waste and gave him a giant wet, salty kiss. They were both lost in each other, as they would be for the next week.
They found a little convenience store near by that sold them beer and every day and every night but one they spent together on the beach. They were now definitely getting more physically intimate but they also spent a great deal of time talking about families, thoughts, dreams and feelings. They repeatedly expressed their amazement at what they were feeling to the point where after a few days they agreed that they had to stop it but both laughingly saying they were not sure if they could.
Pat had had his fair share of relationships but nothing ever seemed to come close to the intensity of what he was looking for, though he really didn't think of it as intensity. It was more a calmness and a connection, feeling somehow, on some level they just fit. This is what he had always felt in his core being it should be. Kelley on the other hand had not been looking for any specific feeling other than some amorphous concept of a good guy who would get her out of the insanity that was her parents household. She was thrown by their intimate connection because such a thing was really not part of her plan. The unexpected depth of what she felt made her uncomfortable because she didn't feel completely in control of what might happen. At times she felt trapped in this unknown emotional territory but when they were together, it all seemed to fade away.
The depth of their relationship continued for about two years but many things happened. Kelley continued to have trouble processing what was happening and the feeling of lost control. She designedly often tried to manipulate Pat in social situations to assuage this discomfort. It momentarily gave her a sense of it all fitting her plan, but only momentarily.
Her plan she could rely on, it was simple and it would work, she knew. This was not simple and she had no idea if this would or could work. I mean how could two people sustain this level of connection and emotional honesty and if you could not sustain it, then she would end up still stuck in her parents house.
While he had many thoughts about their future, Pat had no plan other than wanting to be together when they had time. Their relationship had evolved surprisingly easily into spending most of their time apart at different schools but writing and then fully enjoying the times they did get together and could share what they had done, read or saw while apart. Once they got together, as Pat put it, "the crap just seemed to disappear". Sex was now a regular part of their relationship though not a huge part. They had to grab whatever moments might present themselves, mostly in her parents TV room when her parents went out and her brothers and sister were either away or in bed. Even under these circumstances there was a deep warmth and closeness that caused them both to again laugh at the seeming absurdity and shared joy of their connection.
However, the one thing that was changing and they both could feel it, was their discomfort at being apart most of the time. For Kelley it gave her too much time to question whether this relation would work with her plan or end abruptly for some unknown reason, just as it had begun. For Pat, it was the desire to know if it was possible to maintain an existence that he felt was at the core of his being.
Events were to move rapidly for both of them and some sort of answers were coming.
Ia - Ok, a connection is solidly there but you can certainly see some hormones raging here too and I would agree as you probably already know from more recent things you have looked at that pregnancy is in the offing. Actually surprised we are still able to view this, guess they have been lucky. I have to admit to this point you seem to have done your viewing well. They may have a chance however so slight it might be to connect in the way it appears you think is important.
In - You know I have hesitated to say this, I think you are starting to get a better sense of where my thinking is going. I.... I actually think the last time I went in that I retained a little bit of this sense of love being the one possible unifying force. I can't really describe it. It was not an intellectual or rational realization, it was just a deep subtle feeling and I had never had this before. It is sort of what is fueling my present thinking.
Ia - I don't know. I mean, I have never heard of anything crossing over like that seems like sort of retrospective wishful thinking.
In - I know but imagine if this were true. That in some way this connection is or has been evolving and if it has, maybe these two or one had brought something back with them when they came into being. If this were happening then it is possible we could be pulling closer together in a recognition of what to do.
Ia - Please, I am willing to listen to a point but if you are after believing in some weird world where people all love each other, you have gone off the deep end my friend.
In - But then explain to me the deep sense of peace with oneself and life in general when people make this connection.
Ia - For one it is a grain of sand on an endless shore and a short lived grain that goes out with the tide of reality. Perhaps these few people are the counter aberration to the mass murderers of the world. I mean don't you also see that the mass murderer probably feels somehow in tune with his true self.
In - Yes, but these can usually be traced to something horrific or foundationally altering that happened to them in life and it is not a connection with another.
Ia - Ok, well let me go at it from a more general point of view. Do you think these two want to live in some bland world of unending niceness and kindness. Isn't that what the ultra religious believe that their chosen heaven is, I mean of course after the mindless slaughter of all the nonbelievers. Hell could you honestly say that this is what you would want. Imagine we never transitioned but just stayed here in this sort of limbo forever like Sartre's No Exit. No violence here, nobody messing with anyone else because we are focused on something else. But what if that something else did not exist, hmmm. Would you look forward to that?
In - No I am not saying emotional and personal ups and downs would not exist but the feeling that it is ok to screw with your fellow human being would lessen. Look at it this way. There are certainly more species that do not feel
the need to kill each other than those that do. Would you say their lives are somehow empty boring or pointless. The act of living seems to work for them, why would this not be possible for humans.
Ia - Well for one I would dispute your assumption. Think of how territorial most creatures are and how competitive relative to procreation, it is not a calm and peaceful world for most animals. I view it more as an issue of brute survival.
In - Perhaps, but not generally from each other and if you remove territoriality and mate competition, it is a pretty calm life. So assume those two factors do not exist for us.
Ia - But they do and always will. Do you think the country, town or village that looks next to it and sees people having better lives and possessions is going to say oh I don't need or want that especially if they have the power to take it or maybe even more to the point the country that has power and wealth is going to say, I am going to stop exploiting the resources and people of other places because it is not a loving thing to do. Jesus my friend wake up and smell the coffee, human beings are not a nice group of animals.
In - Let's let it go for the moment but let me just leave one thought on the table. Has the species not evolved in many ways and imagine if the connection that I feel grew and people knew that murderers did not go back or even continue regardless of what religion or cause it may have been in the name of as we know here.
Ia - I'll file it away for the moment only because we have lives to watch but you also weigh it against what I have said. Good?
In - Good!
Chapter 4
So here they were on Monday sitting in a restaurant directly across from Kelley's college. Pat's two week long Christmas break was over. They were both feeling exhausted from the weekend but with that full calm type of exhaustion.
"I'm going to miss you more than you can imagine," Pat said softly.
Kelley stayed with her head down staring at her coffee.
They both sat silently as Kelley took a sip of coffee looking over the edge of her cup at Pat. Their eyes locked for a minute and there was a longing for something that was being lost.
"Actually, miss may not be the right word-- I just don't want it to end," said Pat.
"I know," said Kelley, looking down and then back up into Pat's eyes.
"But what can we do. You have to go back to college and I have to stay here. In another week this will just be another visit to you. Will you write at least," said Kelley. "I'm not sure how I am going to handle this."
She was desperately trying to fight a sense of vulnerability and loss of control. She felt herself floating in an emptiness. It was almost impossible to draw a breath.
"Yeah," mumbled Pat as he poured some more coffee from the carafe. "I'm feeling lost myself."
That last weekend they had spent alone at a friend's farmhouse an hour outside the city. Kelley had lied to her parents saying she would be staying with a friend. When they walked into the ancient farmhouse, they could see their breath condensing in the frigid air.
"Maybe this wasn't such a great idea," said Kelley.
"Lets not give up yet," said Pat as he gave Kelley a bear hug from behind.
Pat started a fire in the huge old fireplace and Kelley spread out a blanket for them to sit on.
"This is cozy hmm," said Pat as he stretched his arm around Kelley.
Kelley had formed herself into a tiny ball bundled in her winter coat and an afghan from the couch. They both sat staring into the fire, just staring not once looking at each other. Pat finally broke the silence,
"You know love, I am having a hard time processing this, it's different."
They continued to stare.
"How is it different," said Kelley softly.
They continued to stare.
Pat though still and quiet was a torrent of emotions. He truly had no idea what to do with these feelings. He was tortured as he had been since the moment they first honestly spoke to each other, by the power of his feelings. He realized he was on the verge of crying. Not because of sadness but because of the unknown loss he felt. Kelley slid an arm out from under the afghan and placed it gently on Pat's thigh, an immediate sense of oneness flowed through him. I am in trouble he thought, get a grip, get a grip but he felt there was no hold to be had.
"When we're together, I feel at one with myself, I don't know somehow words aren't adequate," said Pat.
"Sort of lost but I'm found," he laughed quietly.
They continued to stare at the fire.
Kelley was also feeling tortured. She had seen this sweet guy as a possible way out but something happened. She knew she had control over him but now she didn't want it. She just wanted to be with him, absorbing him. She felt basically in control of her emotions but not her desires, she felt angry and lost. How had she let this happen.
"I feel the same, love," said Kelley in a desperate tone of voice, as she gave his thigh a hard squeeze out of frustration.
They continued to stare at the fire.
"Hell, this is getting tough let's stop thinking and just enjoy being with each other, Ok," proffered Pat. "I mean there is no place I would rather be and it is a rare event when you can say that, right. I'll open the wine and let's talk."
Kelley was not yet ready to give up her thinking, she was still trying to overcome her self anger about letting this happen and his asserting control of the situation only heightened this. She just sat there in her bundle as Pat got up for the wine.
Pat went to the kitchen dusted out two old jelly glasses emblazoned with dancing cows, cats and violins from the kitchen.
"Hey Kelley, look, hey diddle diddle the cat and the fiddle," said Pat laughingly, as he handed Kelley a glass.
Kelley looked at the glass and said sadly, "the cow jumped over the moon."
Pat sat down beside her and gave her a gentle kiss on the cheek and said, "I don't know about you but different seems right to me and so fuck it I am going with different, care to join me," as he lifted his glass for a toast.
Something snapped in Kelley and she thought, I want nothing more than to join him and so what the fuck.
"To different!" she yelled as they clinked glasses.
"Yesssss!" he shouted exuberantly.
They sat by the fire drinking wine and just being and in Kelley's words, absorbing each other, feeling a complete sense of oneness with each other and everything around them. They marveled at how after being apart they would come together and joyously and openly share what each had individually been doing. They talked of love and their shared insatiable desire to learn and know what was possible; their shared sense of being whole when together and how other more troubling things seemed to drop away. They became lost in each others verbal caresses but as the wine disappeared Kelley's fear of lost control started to slowly creep into her brain. Where was this going she thought, it can't be real, I have to get back on top of this but all the time mixed with a desire to let go and truly enter this other person.
The mixture of cold, wine and fire began to make them both feel spent and so they headed slowly into the bedroom, their hands entwined.
"Jesus Christ it is friggin freezing in here. They might find us frozen stiff in the morning if we sleep in here," laughed Pat.
"Wait, look, there is a heater on the table by the bed," said Kelley.
Sure enough next to the bed was a rectangular glass heater with some coils running through it. Pat immediately plugged it in and the coils began to glow a little.
"Quick, let's get under the covers until it heats up, I am freezing," cried Kelley.
They both jumped under the covers fully clothed and shivering.
"You know, I learned from camping that you're warmer without your clothes on, except for maybe socks."
"Yeah, right you expect me to believe that and who the hell was she who you were camping with," said Kelley.
"No, no, only me in an old mummy bag but it seemed to work and you keep your clothes in the bag so they are not freezing in the morning," said Pa
t.
So they both stripped and then quickly wrapped around each other for heat.
"Jesus, your feet and butt are like ice cubes," laughed Pat.
"Live with it," said Kelley.
"Gladly," Pat replied quickly as he squeezed Kelley's ass and they both laughed.
It seemed almost immediate that Kelley's fears and questions disappeared. They were utterly lost in each other. They explored each others bodies from lips to toes, slowly and lovingly, filled with sighs and warm laughs. Then Pat slid into Kelley as they both exhaled a rich and full sigh. They paused and looked into each others eyes and smiled.
As they made love, Pat breathed deeper than he thought possible trying to inhale Kelley's every scent. He wanted to absorb every part of her with every sense of his being, he wanted more a sixth, seventh, eighth sense whatever it would take to be this person. Kelley was digging into Pat's body kneading all the muscles in his body and pulling him tight to her with each thrust. It was not enough, she wrapped her legs around his back and as he was about climax, she locked her legs and pulled him to her trying her utmost to absorb his being as she unbelievably climaxed wrapped around his entire body, crushing her hands into his back. They rolled on their sides still entwined as Pat rhythmically moved in and out to the shutter of Kelley's body, their brains were stilled.
"Can I get you folks some more coffee," asked the waitress as she lifted the carafe.
"Ah, sure," said Pat looking up, "that would be nice, thanks. Oh yeah and could we get some more cream?"
"Sure Hon, need anything else?"
"No, that's good for now, thanks," said Pat.
He looked over at Kelley who was still looking down absently twirling her coffee cup in the saucer. The air seemed heavy, as if there was not enough oxygen in it to breath. Pat thought about their weekend and smiled remembering how they had both laughed till they cried when they realized the heater in the bedroom was worthless when Kelley had touched it and said you couldn't warm bread let alone toast it on this thing. Laughing, they both realized it was their body heat from the long night of lovemaking that had heated the room. He was pretty sure neither of them had slept much those nights. Hell they had gone at least four times, so when could they have slept he laughed to himself.