by R. H. Vesely
"Yeah, just the cute fishies," laughed Kelley, as she laid down on her back and adjusted the bottom cloth triangle, letting out a sigh as she gave Mattie a smile.
******
Allie stuck well to her plan and managed to fake it well enough that Nancy only asked once if something was the matter. She managed to fend this off with a claim that she was not use to drinking all day. She avoided the pending sleeping with Robert question by begging off early and repeating the daytime drinking and sun excuse. Fortunately, she and Robert were not on the same returning flight. He had meetings scheduled in Seattle. Allie collapsed into her seat and slept for the whole flight, more out of emotional exhaustion than physical tiredness.
******
They caught a ride back to Rich's from the the take out and Rich said not to worry, he would get the canoes later with his pick up.
"Hey what say we hit Old Ed's, for old times sake?" said Kelley, handing Bill a beer.
"Not sure were dressed for it," said Randy.
"Oh, I've got dry regular stuff in my car and I even have enough for you too Mattie and I saw you boys had dry pants when you came. Come on, it will be fun, don't you think Mattie?" as she stared at Mattie with a smile.
"Yeah, Ok sounds good. Wind down the day with a stop at Ed's and just a relax and nice talk. I'm up for it," said Bill.
"Ok, its settled, Bill can ride with me and we'll meet you there," said Kelley, as she headed for her car.
"Mattie here's a dress and a pair of pants and a top take your choice. I have something else for me," said Kelley, tossing the clothes to Mattie.
"Ok Bill, no peeking," said Kelley, as she slipped into a small cream colored summer dress. As she appeared from behind the car fender, she looked spectacularly cute and sensual and she knew it.
On the ride to Ed's, Kelley slipped in some music and they both sat silently listening to Joni Mitchell's sultry remake of Both sides Now, the Eagles, I Can't tell You Why and Simply Red's, If You don't Know me By Now. Kelley at the last minute had quickly thrown the music together just in case. Not perfect she thought, but not bad, not bad.
"Bill, it's your life man, but are you sure you know what you are doing. I mean the way you have been talking to me about Allie, I don't know, do want to fuck that up with Kelley?" said Randy, as they stood at the bar getting a pitcher of Beer.
"Hey Bill, Randy, long time no see and got the girls with you this time. What'll it be?" said Ed.
"Big pitcher Ed and four glasses. Yeah, spent a great day on the river and now ready to unwind with a little beer and conversation, how's it with you?" said Bill.
"Good as gold, here you go gents,enjoy," said Ed.
Bill headed to the table with the beer and left Randy to get the glasses. "So, since we got the beer, what say you girls go put some tunes on?" said Bill.
"Sounds fair to me, come on Mattie," smiled Kelley, as they got up and headed for the jukebox.
"So what the hell was going on in the water there?" said Mattie with a laugh, as she put her arm around Kelley.
"Oh, not much, just a quick fuck," deadpanned Kelley.
"You are too much," laughed Mattie, as they studied the jukebox, arms resting on each others shoulders.
"So, you going to answer me or what?" said Randy.
"Oh, shit man, lighten up, were just having some fun and what the hell do you expect me to do when confronted by that. I mean come on, I'm only human," said Bill.
"Ok, Ok, your life, but is a crazy fuck worth it. I mean you do stupid shit like this all the time. I'm just saying may be a good idea to try to stop and think for a change. You know try something novel," said Randy sarcastically.
"With the amount of beer in me and the way she looks, the only thing novel I'm trying is the book I won't need to read to fall asleep tonight. I mean, its going to take a lifetime to get that image of her in that bathing suit out my mind," laughed Bill.
"Ok, I give up, just trying to do what friends are supposed to do and try to keep you from another testosterone driven nightmare. I'm done, so let's enjoy," laughed Randy.
When Bill awoke, he looked over and saw Kelley naked curled up next to him with a sort of light, calm smile on her face. Their night of sex had been everything he anticipated. He was drained, his jaw was sore, his joint was sore, his ribs ached and the room had the unmistakable smell of sex and sweat. He felt an overwhelming need for a shower and slowly slid out of bed and headed for the bathroom.
As he stood under the luke warm water, he thought of what Randy had said "you do stupid shit like this all the time". He knew it was true. He had fucked up more relationships like this than he cared to remember, always attributing it to boredom, alcohol, music, need for release, need for crazy sex and any other stupid lie he could think of. The reality was, he was afraid to trust another person emotionally and when honest with himself, he knew it. He did not trust other human beings, and when it got to the point he had to make that leap, he jumped in another direction. "You're fucking pitiful", he said to himself, "fucking pitiful", as he put his head down and let the water beat on the back of his neck.
Chapter 35
Allie appeared almost in a state of mourning. She was functioning professionally but otherwise was just a shell of the person who had gotten on the plane to San Francisco. She had managed to avoid seeing Bill by telling herself she was too overwhelmed with catching up with work, which was in part true, but not really. She had also avoided Toni, using the same excuse, but promising that she would come over and they could hang out on the porch on Sunday.
She did not fulfill her promise to herself but rather immersed herself completely in work to avoid thinking at all about what she had done and her relationship with Bill. It mostly worked, except late at night, when the thoughts about why she had done what she did would creep into her head and she would fight them off. She knew there was only one person who would force her to work through this and that person was Toni but she was dreading their get together.
Bill was not in the same emotionally depressed state as Allie. He was however in a state of agitation and mental turmoil. Kelley had left that next day after making them both breakfast. She looked cute, vulnerable and sensual, as she softly kissed him and said goodbye. He had been running through his mind all the times he had seen and been with Kelley, trying to understand his feelings about her and what if anything this last episode had meant. He had almost simultaneously been running all his time with Allie through his head and trying to determine what it all meant. Bill had always thought if he broke things down and thought about them long enough that he could make sense of anything. He was having no success. He was, and he knew it, an emotional mess and felt close to losing his mind. He tried to talk to Randy but Randy didn't have the hardness that Bill needed to be honest with himself. Bill knew of only one person who he thought would have the chops to force him to confront himself and that was Toni, but he was afraid to call her, not because of her earlier threat, but because of what he might find out about himself. As a consequence, he had feigned illness to avoid practices, but a show was coming up Saturday and he needed to get straight with her before then. He was surprised but relieved that Kelley had not called but knew she earlier said she would be coming to Saturday's show.
"So glad to see you are feeling better my friend. Are you going to be ok to do a sound check and a little practice before the show tonight? We changed a couple things, nothing big, I think you'll like it. I worked on a very cool backing part on the accordion for one of your songs. It's sort of a beautiful melancholy thing and I think fits perfect with the feel of the song. Anyway, so what else is happening, have you seen Allie since she has been back? I talked with her briefly but she said she was swamped catching up on work and stuff. She's supposed to come over this Sunday and hang out. Not sure if she is going to make the show, probably not, unless she told you something different. You've got to get her to relax and get out more, she gets way too crazy about this work stuff, of course, I guess it is people's liv
es, a little more immediate than playing music, I guess," said Toni.
"No actually, I haven't seen her either. I thought she would call, but like you said, I sort of just assumed she would be real busy with work after the trip," said Bill.
"Seriously, she hasn't even called you. That's insane. I mean crap, you two were together every free minute before she left. We had that dinner at our place right before she left and you two were beautiful just cuddled up in that old circular chair, smiling and kissing and just soaking each other in. I was friggin jealous, old stoic Tom doesn't do that. Hell, he's too big and too inflexible for one. He'd never be able to get back up out of the chair. He'd be at the chiropractors every day for the next week," laughed Toni.
"Toni, I think of us as pretty good friends, right?" said Bill.
"Sure, right babe, what you aren't going to ditch the band are you. God man, you're irreplaceable, we are so good together, you ---"
"No, no. Look, I have something personal I want to talk to you about and you're the only person I know whose got the brains and the guts to help me figure this thing out. I'm really feeling fucked up and not sure what to do," said Bill sadly.
"Oh, gee, sorry about the band bullshit. You know, if there is anyway I can help, I'm there for you Bill," she said, as she reached across and touched his hand.
"You're special to me and Tom and nothing will ever change that," continued Toni.
"Well, you may feel differently soon, but promise you'll let me get it all out. This is real and I am truly desperate," said Bill.
"Ok, so now I know it is going to have something to do with you and Allie. I know at least that much and if it helps, I know you are both pieces of work when it comes to relating to or trusting others. I've been around you both enough to know that. So lay it out to me and I promise, I will not interrupt until you are done, promise. But I make no promises about what I will say then, ok. You have to remember, Allie is my oldest and dearest friend. So with those provisos, I am all ears," said Toni.
Bill began by recounting how he and Allie had created this intense bond or connection, that they both marveled at and how neither had ever been able to express the type of physical warmth, not sex, with another person and how they were both happy but more than a little taken aback by it.
"I can't speak for her, but after giving it a lot of thought, I'm fairly certain I am completely afraid of it. I think my fear is going to make me fuck this up, if it already hasn't," said Bill.
"Sorry, but I need you to expand on the, if it already hasn't part," said Toni, giving Bill a look.
"Ok, I'll bite the bullet and here goes," said Bill, hesitating a bit to compose himself.
Bill then recounted in detail what had happened with the canoe trip and that night with Kelley. Though he did not go into tremendous detail on what happened that night.
"Since then, I have been torturing myself trying to figure out why the hell I did it, and more importantly, as Randy says, why I always do this in relationships. I think I know the Kelley thing was not literally about her, though god she knows how to push the buttons. It was about me, on some level, deliberately destroying the thing with Allie, something that I have done so many times that it seems to have almost become second nature to me. I want it to stop, hell, I need it to stop. I know I may have totally fucked up any chance I have with Allie, and that rips my guts out, but I'll have to live with that, but god, I need to figure out some way to make this stop."
"Ok, done for the moment?" asked Toni.
"Yeah, I guess you have the gist of it, but trust me, this is not some bullshit way out of Allie. Hell, I wish Saturday never happened, truly," said Bill.
"Ok, well it did happen, you piece of shit, and I don't want to hear any god damn excuses about how she was so fucking hot. There is no question in my mind that that girl knew exactly what she was doing, and was playing you. But guess what my friend, she knew she could play you because of who you are and how you act, get it. You think Tom would fall for that shit. You think your friend Randy would fall for that shit with the way you tell me he feels about Mattie. No, they wouldn't and you know why, because they're fucking grown ups you asshole. They have figured out how to love and accept love in return. You know how to play at the game of what people call falling in love, but my guess is you don't know how to accept it from another. You see, you've got to trust in the fact that that other person is being straight with you and won't fuck you over, and you can't do it. So you come up with your bullshit Saturdays or some other fucking thing to kill it before it gets to you. You my friend are a fucking coward, get it."
Bill just sat there listening intently to Toni and despite defensively, rapidly trying to contradict what she said in his brain, as he listened, he knew she was right. He was a coward. He wasn't looking for someone like himself as Randy said. The reality was, he wasn't really looking for anybody, because when the time came to trust in them, he baled. He was exactly what Toni said, a fucking coward. This realization did not give him a sense of catharsis or the lifting of a weight. It just depressed him to the depths of his being. He had nothing to say.
After a minute or two of dead silence, Toni looked at Bill and saw how crushed this smart, talented, stupid man was. It was not a pleasant sight.
"Ok, look babe, there is no hate here. I still love you, you're just fucked up, and on some level who the hell isn't. What separates you from me and Tom and Randy and Mattie is you're going to have to deal with your fucked upness alone. We'll all have someone who loves us deeply to help us through and in case you haven't noticed, life is better shared and ultimately, I feel sorry for you my friend. It's dead certain that when you tell Allie about this, and you will, get me, you two are done. Like you, but maybe not as bad, she does not trust in letting someone close. As far as I know, I am it for her, period. So you will have really hurt her and what probably makes me the angriest you've made it even harder for her in the future. So once again, fuck you my friend and I think that's enough for now. Oh and by the way, I expect you to show up for the sound check and the show, and it will be up to you about staying with the band. As far as I'm concerned, I want you with us. Seriously fucked up people often make some great art, ok?"
"OK," said Bill. Bill now realized he actually could feel worse.
Chapter 36
"Hey Kelley, what are you doing here?" said Mattie, as she walked over and saw Kelley sitting at one of her tables in the crappy restaurant where she worked.
"Figured you'd be getting off soon and thought we could go across the street to that little basement place and talk," said Kelley.
"Sure, I've just got to finish refilling the ketchup and salt and we can head out," smiled Mattie.
"I brought some pants and a top you left at my place cause I know how you hate that disgusting uniform,here, they're clean," said Kelley, handing a bag to Mattie.
"Beautiful thanks, impossible to relax wearing this Wal Mart reject," laughed Mattie, as she refilled the Heinz ketchup bottles with some cheap no name brand.
UNDER was a tiny place just across the street from where Mattie worked. A narrow set of brightly painted cement stairs led down to a long narrow room with a bar on one side and a jukebox and table and chairs along the other wall. It was rarely crowded due to its claustrophobic ambiance. The bartender, Ted, was a sweet, younger guy who was trying to make it as a professional boxer but so far, having very little luck. Kelley and Mattie stopped in there occasionally, largely to give them some business and to tip Ted too much because he was such a nice guy and they felt bad for him. They could never visualize him as a fighter, he was such a soft spoken, sweet guy.
"So how was the night with Bill?" asked Mattie, as she poured them both a beer.
"It was incredible. I have to give that guy his due, he knows how to make love. I was so worn out the next day, I could barely move and he was a hurting cowboy too. I think I either broke or bruised a couple of his ribs," laughed Kelley.
"Can't say I am surprised with the build up yo
u gave him that day. So I guess it was worth it," laughed Mattie.
"You want to hear something funny though. I got up the next morning. We had a very pleasant breakfast. I kissed him goodbye as I left, and that was it," said Kelley.
"What do you mean that was it? You don't think he's going to call?" asked Mattie.
"No, he may, he may not, I don't really care. When we were sitting there having breakfast, I realized, I don't love this guy and he doesn't love me. It was just great sex," laughed Kelley.
"It was a revelation to me. I don't think I had ever said that to myself before. It was weird and at the same time very calming. Before I would always be sizing it up and formulating some plan or something and I just didn't feel any of that and this with a guy who you have to admit is right up my alley," said Kelley.
"Well, I must say, I am a bit shocked after all the crap you made me and everyone else go through to make it happen," said Mattie.
"I know, and I am truly sorry. I should not have done that to you, and I promise I will never do anything like it again, or at least I hope I won't," laughed Kelley. "But I think that whole mess was part of what snapped me out of this thing I've been doing. I took it to such an extreme, that I finally saw how crazy and stupid it was. I think it hit me when we went to the jukebox and were standing there leaning against each other. Someone had played that Todd Rundgren song Can We Still be Friends and I thought of Pat and Doug and how I'd fucked those things up and just thought to myself. Girl you have got to stop this and so I am," said Kelley.
"Yeah, but you still went through with it with Bill ," said Mattie, a little puzzled.
"Hell, I wasn't going to give up a night of great sex, especially after having that string up my ass all day," laughed Kelley.
"So now what?" asked Mattie.