by R. H. Vesely
"I'm going to follow your advice. I'm going to be open to a connection like I had with Pat and grab it if it comes my way, and if not, don't know. Check back with me in five years, by then I may have come to some other self realization and be hoping I can still pull off a thong," laughed Kelley.
"I need to give you a hug. I am so damn proud of and happy for you," said Mattie, as she stood up beaming and wrapped Kelley in a crushing hug. "You're my hero."
Chapter 37
Toni knew from talking to Bill at Saturday's show that he had not gotten together with Allie. In fact, Allie, for whatever reason, had not returned his call to her. She chalked this up to Allie's crazy work obsession and thought nothing more of it. What she had thought a lot about, was how the hell she was going to handle the knowledge she had about Bill's day of fucking with that bitch Kelley. She was actually dreading this Sunday get together. She had worn down poor old Tom with running through all the different scenarios.
"I mean love what the fuck do I say if she starts waxing rhapsodic about Bill and their beautiful relationship. Do I say, oh wait a minute Allie, the guy is a total shit and was banging the hell out of that hot Kelley woman while you were gone. You remember her Allie, she's the young one that radiates sex that I told you, you had beat. Well I guess I was wrong and you were right, you are no competition for her. I guess he really was after the young hot one, my bad," said Toni.
"Love, it may work out that you have to tell her something, but if so, I suggest you just say you know he cheated and that he wants to talk to her about it," said Tom.
"Yeah, and you think she is not then going to press me for how I know and what I know and you know I will end up telling her. This is going to be a fucking disaster. I love Bill, but man, he has really fucked me over here," said Toni.
"No, babe, he may have fucked Allie over and from what you tell me, he may have fucked himself over, but this is not about you. I would just be kind and gentle and if I shared anything about Bill, I would emphasize his seeming personal mental destruction over what he had done. It might soften the blow," said Tom.
Toni had set out a drawing pad, pencils and charcoals on the table for Allie. She was hoping unrealistically that maybe Allie would get so lost in drawing that other shit would not come up. She had deliberately switched her normal Sunday slower emotional music play list, to one of Reggae. Anything to keep the mood light, she thought. The final touches were some fresh cut flowers on the table, possible still life, and mimosas, a pretty, cheery drink.
"Hey babe, boy am I exhausted, what a week," said Allie, as she came out to the porch.
Toni had heard the screen door slap closed and quickly assumed a relaxed prone position on the couch. "Oh, hi babe, just relaxing, long show last night. Grab a mimosa and sit down. I put some drawing stuff out for you, in case you forgot to bring yours," said Toni casually, with a yawn.
"Mimosa, sounds perfect, actually, don't feel much like drawing today, thought it might be fun to just relax and talk. We haven't really talked in a while, my fault," said Allie.
Shit, well best laid plans, this is not going to be a fun Sunday, thought Toni.
"Mmmm, this hits the spot, very refreshing. Think I'll have another," laughed Allie.
"Hell, just bring all the stuff out here. No point in going back and forth to the kitchen," said Toni, knowing that with what was coming, they were going to be powering down the drinks.
"Good idea, so how was the show? Sorry, I couldn't make it, just too tired, getting old," said Allie, but she knew that wasn't true. She was simply trying to avoid Bill.
"Oh come on, cut the old crap, you've got more energy than almost anybody I know, other than me," laughed Toni.
"Hey, why don't you come over and sit at the table with me? It'll be easier to talk and we can see each others faces," said Allie.
"Ah, sure," said Toni, thinking to herself, the last thing I want to see is your smiling face when I have to lay this crap on you, as she grabbed a seat at the table and poured herself another drink.
For the next ten minutes, they sat there both swilling their mimosas and staring out at the pond. Finally, Allie broke the silence.
"Toni, I actually have something I really need to talk to you about. It's a bit heavy, but I really need your help figuring something out. It's going to be a little weird, so try to keep an open mind ok," said Allie in a serious tone.
"Gee, come on Allie, you know I don't judge you. Hell, what'd you do murder a patient or have sex with one while they were knocked out," laughed Toni.
"Well …... not exactly, but just listen, Ok," said Allie.
"Not exactly, whoa this should be good," laughed Toni, still hoping beyond hope to keep it light.
Allie then recounted, in exhaustive detail, the events of her trip to San Francisco, beginning with her thoughts and actions on the plane out there and ending with her night of sex with Robert and crying in the shower.
Toni sat there dumbfounded. She quickly drained her glass and poured herself another, finished that, poured herself another.
"But you see what I mean. I did this on purpose. On some almost unconscious level, I was so afraid of my intimacy with Bill that I purposely set about fucking it up, you see," said Allie, trying to elicit a response from Toni. Toni still just sat there drinking, trying desperately to figure out what to say. This was so far off from what she had been anticipating that she was thrown.
"This has been preying on my mind all week long. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I get so god damn depressed whenever I think about it. I feel sick to my stomach," said Allie.
"Ok Allie, please give me a minute to process. I was really, I mean really not expecting this," said Toni.
"Sure take your time," said Allie, as she poured herself another drink.
"Ok. Allie, I'm going to lay something on you that I have been thinking about for a long time, a long time. I have watched you with men your whole life, and not once have I seen you ever let one get close to you. You have always dealt with them the way you dealt with Michael. You'd let them date you, pursue you and even occasionally sleep with you, but that was it. You always made them aware that they were a fun convenience but nothing more, right?" said Toni, looking into Allie's eyes.
"Yes, an accurate observation," said Allie.
"I'm no shrink, but I think this all has to do with your dad. You two were so damn close, unbelievably connected, and you were so devastated by his death and that debilitating loss, that you're afraid to ever go there again, to form that type of connection. I mean look at you. Your combination of brains, beauty and decency is unbelievable, men see it instantly, but the good ones, the smart ones, also catch on pretty quickly that you're not letting anyone in. So you end up with the Michaels of the world, who aren't looking for love just a smart, successful good looking package and those guys, you can use for what you need to get by. But then someone like Bill comes out of nowhere, you let your guard down for a bit, and shit you start to have those feelings again. It's wonderful, but guess what, this is the same shit that caused you so much pain, this sense of connection. So what do you do. You do what you need to, to break off that feeling, before the pain can arise and -"
"You know that first day, when Bill and I went into that freezing ocean. I hadn't done that with anyone except my dad. It was one of the million things we shared," Allie began to cry softly. Toni immediately went over to her and held her.
"Just let it out hon, he was a great guy and god did he love you," said Toni, as she began to cry also.
"I know, I miss him every day, every day," sobbed Allie.
They stayed like that, holding each other, until Allie slowly regained control of here emotions and settled back in her chair, emotionally spent. Toni went into the kitchen to get some iced tea. They both needed a cool nonalcoholic drink for their dry mouths. As she poured out two tall glasses, carefully placing sprigs of mint on the edges, she was buying time to help her decide what to do about Bill. God, I can't lay this on her now. Not in the state she is
in, It would be too much.
"Hey hon you want a slice of lemon with the tea?" she yelled out to Allie, trying to buy more time to compose her thoughts.
"Yeah, sure whatever you're having is fine," yelled back Allie.
"Ok babe, I have given this some thought," said Toni, as she sat down and passed a tea to Allie. "I'm going to tell you something, and I'm going to ask you to trust me that what I'm going to then suggest is what you should do. It is going to require a leap of faith on your part, but I need you to trust me, ok?" said Toni.
"Of course I trust you Toni. I would stick my arm in a fire if you told me it was safe," laughed Allie, still clearing away the residue of her tears.
"Ok, well I had a long talk with Bill yesterday, and he told me about something. That's all I am going to say, Ok. Like I said trust me. I want you to stop avoiding Bill and get together with him, and I want you to do it here, a place you feel emotionally safe. I want you to do it tomorrow. I will arrange it with Bill to be here. I want you both to talk with each other honestly, let go of the bullshit defenses, and despite everything try to trust in each other. I want you to go into it saying to yourself, I am going to trust this man, I love him, I am going to trust this man, I love him. I am going to have the same talk with Bill so he comes in saying, I am going to trust that woman, I love her, I am going to trust that woman,, I love her. I am saying this, because I know this is what you both feel, at least the love part. You are both going to have to work on the trust part, but promise me, at least in this one conversation, you won't let it go. I repeat, you will not let it go," said Toni.
"Are you going to be here?" asked Allie.
"No, I'll have stuff in the fridge for you, but it will just be the two of you for however long it takes. If you want to sleep here, feel free. Tom and I won't come back until you call me. Hell, if you want to stay here for two or three days, go to it," laughed Toni.
"Oh god, but my work Toni, I can't," said Allie.
"You can and you will. It's a job and you are replaceable. If you died tomorrow, the world and your patients would go on. Actually, I want you to call your receptionist and cancel everything now," said Toni.
"You're right, consider it done," said Allie, as she took the phone and called her receptionist at home.
"Good, well I think maybe you ought to go home and rest. Otherwise, you will start trying to ply me for information that I am not going to give you, and thank you hon for trusting me," said Toni, as she gave Allie a big hug and walked her to the door.
Chapter 38
"Well Tommy, I have really put my foot in it this time," said Toni.
"So, I take it, it did not go well with Allie," said Tom.
"Well, I tell you what, it certainly did not go the way I had expected. You know, there I was, desperately trying to avoid any sort of talk with Allie. I had set up this light mood, you know, Reggae, Mimosas, fresh flowers, feigned exhaustion, anything I could think of, right. So, Allie says she needs to talk, and then proceeds to lay out to me, in great detail, how she picked up some guy on the plane and ended up spending the weekend with him in Napa Valley and fucking his brains out at some quaint B&B. Can you believe it," said Toni.
"Well, kind of lets you off the hook a bit," said Tom.
"No, you don't get it. Just like Bill, she wants me to help her figure out why the hell she did it. So, I don't mind saying, I am thrown for a loop here. My immediate response was to start powering down the mimosas. I mean, here I am torturing over how to tell her about her cheating boyfriend and she tells me she goes after some guy the minute her ass hits the seat of the plane. I mean, Bill didn't do that. Don't misunderstand me, Bill's a shit, but at least he didn't do it immediately, and Christ he was pursued. She was the instigator, she set the whole thing up. It was all her," said Toni.
"Well, I think they both got the result they were after," said Tom.
"Exactly, you get it, you smart bastard. They both were trying to destroy the relationship that was too much for them. They both are petrified to let someone get too close to them, and amazingly, they hit their tipping points at the same time. Hell, I think they may have even done it on the same night, thousands of miles apart mind you. That is some crazy shit, no," laughed Toni.
"So what did you say?" asked Tom.
"I talked to Allie about the why of what she did, and how I thought it was related to losing her dad, and we cried, and then I made some iced tea.
"You did what?" said Tom.
"I went in the kitchen and made iced tea. I was still groping. Here was my closest friend, broken, sitting on the porch an emotional wreck and what do I say. Oh and by the way, you were right to screw that guy, because Bill nailed Kelley at the same time you were doing him. So I decided to buy some time slowly making some iced tea, and as I was cutting the lemon slices, it came to me. They both need the same thing. They ultimately have the same problem. She doesn't need me to tell her about Bill screwing some other woman and Bill doesn't need to hear about her screwing some other guy. She needs to talk to him about why she screwed some other guy, and he needs to talk to her about why he screwed some other woman. These people are in love. This is the first time I have seen either one of these people show the type of love and connectedness that really means something, and they are both terrified by it. This isn't something they should run from. It's something they should run to, painfully explore and maybe overcome. If any two people can, I think it's them. They are both smart, kind and caring souls, who deeply care for each other. They just have to figure out how to let someone care for them and if they can truthfully answer the why to each other, I think they can do it," said Toni.
"Ok, love, so I take it we will be having guests," smiled Tom.
"You know me too well. Actually, we will be turning our house over to them, and we will be staying at a very cool five star, boutique hotel. So pack your bag babe, tomorrow night, and who knows maybe longer, we will be sleeping in the lap of luxury, masses of pillows, Egyptian cotton sheets, giant bathrobes, spa like showers. I already scheduled us for deep massages at their spa. I'm so excited, I can't wait," smiled Toni.
"A night to remember," smiled Tom.
Chapter 39
True to her word, Toni had set the place up perfectly. Bill and Allie were to meet around brunch time. The refrigerator was full of prepared plates of fresh fruit and cheeses, lox, fresh juices, champagne and some chilled white wine. For dinner there was a sea food casserole and the makings for a salad with a home made vinaigrette dressing. There was also enough beer and wine to last for days. The bed had clean pressed sheets and pillowcases and two small square chocolate mints that Toni had laughingly placed on the pillows.
Toni had set it up for Allie to arrive first and had left her a long note detailing where everything was and suggesting they relax and eat before the talk. She closed in bold print with "Remember, I am going to trust this man, I love him, I am going to trust this man, I love him". Sitting next to the note was picture of young Toni and Allie with their arms around each other mugging for the camera. Written across the bottom was "Thank you for trusting me, I love you. Toni".
Allie arrived about an hour before Bill was to get there. She read Toni's note and laughed when she saw the picture. She put on the record of Coltrane Ballads that Toni had left on the stereo and busied herself with setting up the table on the porch. She was wearing a light cotton summer dress with a small floral print of roses on the white fabric. Despite the tiredness that showed in her eyes, she looked beautiful. When she was done with the preparations, she sat down in the big round chair with a glass of chilled chardonnay. Her mind was racing. Ever since she left Toni's yesterday, she had been running through her mind what it was Bill might have told Toni. After running all the permutations, many absurd including that somehow Bill had found out about her night in Napa, she settled on either his also sleeping with someone, his deciding that he wanted to break up, that he really wasn't that in to her, or worst of all that he was wildly in love with Allie an
d was unsure what to do. She favored the latter but realized the others were distinct possibilities.What surprised her in this process was that she was not distraught. Somehow, her frequent repetition of Toni's mantra had actually brought her to the point where uneasily, she accepted that she loved this man and she was going to trust in him, however it played out. She had never felt this before.
When Bill arrived, they warmly hugged and kissed and then headed out to the porch, arm in arm. Bill had also been told by Toni to eat first and to just enjoy each others company before they did any serious talking. He also was surprised at what he was feeling. The moment he saw this beautiful woman standing at the screen door, Toni's mantra ran through his mind, I am going to trust this woman, I love her and he realized he most assuredly did.
Despite what both had thought would be an incredibly awkward situation, it wasn't. They both wanted to be with each other and touch and hold each other so strongly that they decided to bring some of the plates to a table by the couch so they could sit next to each other. When done eating, they decided to replay the Coltrane record and settled into the couch with a glass of wine, Bill nestled in a corner with Allie leaning back resting against his chest. They stayed like this throughout most of the album until Allie turned and they embraced and began passionately kissing. When the side ended, they settled back and Bill got up to flip the record over. As he stood there he thought to himself, god I love this woman and I have to talk to her about this, I have to.
"Love, could we maybe sit at the table, I have something I need to talk to you about," said Bill.
"Sure, let me just pee first and I'll be right there," said Allie.
As she sat there peeing, she thought to herself, well now it starts, but she was less concerned about what he might say than what she was going to say. For the first time in her life, she allowed herself the thought of, I do not want to lose what I have with this man. Bill was seated at the table trying to decide how he was going to tell her about what he had done. He was feeling disgusted with himself and realizing that this could be the end. The thought made his insides feel hollow and nauseous. He sensed he was on the verge of tears. He knew he had to pull himself together but the thought of losing what he and Allie had was overwhelming him. Allie came back and sat down across from him. She could immediately tell he was having a hard time and instinctively reached over and touched his hand and gave him a soft smile.