O.J.

by Penny Hawking

  “You’re staring.” Andy said not taking his eyes off the T.V. He rubbed my shoulder with his arm draped over me.

  “What do you like about all this?” I asked softly as I reached up and held his hand. I gazed up at him.

  “I like who I am when I’m with you.” Andy answered as he squeezed my hand. “Not weird, not troubled, not a cutter, not lonely….just me.” He said. “Just Andy.”

  I didn’t say anything but he took his arm from around my neck and wrapped it around my waist bringing me to him. I snuggled against him as he pulled the blanket up to cover us. I was going to ruin the moment by asking if he wanted to have sex now, but no words would come out of my mouth. I rested my head on his chest. I moved and unbuttoned part of his shirt and rested my head again in direct contact with his skin. He made me speechless. Every time I looked at him or thought of him, my mind would wander to an unrealistic expectation. I swallowed hard and drowned out the noise of the T.V. with his steady heartbeat.

  I couldn’t be that person he wanted me to be, or he thought I was. I wasn’t his hero. I closed my eyes. I knew it now. I’d given him so many opportunities to deny it but it was right there in my face. I didn’t have the strength or the capacity to accept it. I told him I didn’t do love and this was why. People got hurt. Why did he have to go and be like this? An uncontrolled tear rolled down my closed eyelids. How do I let him go without hurting him?

  Chapter twenty-two

  You know how something is too good to be true? Your life feels like some sort of fairytale but you know the magic wears off at midnight? I didn’t want midnight to come. I didn’t want the clock to keep ticking. It was at this time that I wish I had a super power, so I could stop time and enjoy what I had right now with Andy.

  But I couldn’t do this to him, it wasn’t fair. I was selfishly holding on to him when I had nothing to give him back in return. I knew what he wanted, I wish I could give it to him…but I didn’t have it.

  It was while sitting on my bed at three in the morning that I realized just how fucked up my mind and train of thought had become. I’d let something so miniscule define who I was and shape my whole life that I couldn’t break away from it anymore. It was like no matter how much I tried for him…there was always doubts and reservations…there was the impending doom hanging over my head and I couldn’t shake it.

  You don’t think I wanted to give him all of me? You don’t think I know a guy like that comes only once in a lifetime? But who am I to only give him half of me? To keep playing these games of charades without ever really letting myself be involved. He deserved so much more than that. He deserved more than a girl whose life of pretend was slowly crumbling down to shine some light into who she really was.

  I threw my covers off and hopped off the bed. I bent down to open my drawer and took out the Polaroid pictures Andy had snagged for me. As I stared at each one of them, my eyes drifted over to Dr. Honsu, then my mom…and then back again. What happened? My eyes drifted to the other guy that was with them. He was tall…even taller than Dr. Honsu. He had a cocky demeanor as he placed his arm around my mom’s shoulder. He was winking at the camera. An involuntary smile came to my lips…that guy must have been a handful. I looked back again to my mom, she was radiating as she was holding the two guys. My smile dropped as I sat on the bed. It just sunk in how frisky my mom must have been. This picture meant that Cece was three and Steven was back home. Yet she didn’t look like a mother and a wife. She looked like a single, eligible female. I shook my head, no wonder she fucked up. I laid the pictures on the table and grabbed my phone as I climbed back in bed. I had to talk to my mom. My phone said 3:30 a.m. she would probably be awake in 3 hours. I held my phone to my chest and sighed. This was it…I was going to ask her…this was getting done.

  I jumped as the phone vibrated against my chest and looked down.

  A text message from Andy. What the heck was he doing up at 3 in the morning? I smiled as I opened the text.

  I know you’re sleeping but you’ll get it in the morning. Studying for my test tomorrow so I can’t sleep. But I’m thinking of you.

  “But our love it was stronger by far than the love

  Of those who were older than we-

  Of many far wiser than we-

  And neither the angels in heaven above,

  Nor the demons down under the sea,

  Can ever dissever my soul from the soul

  Of the beautiful Annabel Lee.”

  Edgar Allen Poe was a genius, couldn’t have described it better

  Love you

  I looked around my dark room as my heart skipped several beats. I took a couple shallow breaths as I read the text with the poem he sent. He said love you at the end? Why did he say love you at the end? I shook my head, no that was just the casual love you that everybody threw around right? I put my phone down and grabbed my pillow.

  “Fuck…Andy.” I whispered in despair. Don’t do this to me. I already have too much on my mind.

  I sat down after my classes waiting for Andy to get out. We managed to establish some system where we could have lunch right before he had to devote his life to the band. I shrugged, must be the pains of being with the band. Smiling I looked down at my T-shirt. I was wearing the Torn Rose t-shirt, they’d given me after their shoot. I rolled my eyes and stared at the ceiling and let out an exaggerated sigh. It was now or never, or I would chicken out. I grabbed my phone and stared at it for a minute, contemplating whether or not to call. I had to call. Taking a deep breath I dialed the ever familiar number to my house. I pushed my stuff aside and leaned against the booth.

  “Allo oui?”

  “Hey mom.” I said softly into the phone.

  “Ornelia c’est quoi? Is something wrong?” Gisele asked alerted at her daughter’s voice.

  “No.” I said brightly as I spoke up. “I just…I just had a question for you.” I said tapping my finger against the table nervously. I chewed my bottom lip as I stared at the wall across from me. A couple kids had hung paintings around campus…it looked like some Andy Warhol type stuff.

  “Well I don’t have all day…hurry up.” Gisele said impatiently.

  “Mom…I know we talked about this a ton of times…but this is…this is really serious now.” I said lowering my voice.

  My mom was quiet on the other line. “Are you pregnant?” she asked seriously.

  ‘What?” I asked thrown off guard.

  “With that white atheist boy?” She asked. “Ornelia, I’ve told you over and over not to have sex before you’re married. But no, I’ve been cursed with----”

  “Whoa mom!” I said loudly. I turned around and lowered my voice. “I’m not pregnant.” I whispered sternly. “Besides even If I were….I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” I lashed at her.

  “How dare you!” my mom yelled into the phone.

  I closed my eyes. “I didn’t mean that…mom please sorry.” Oh shit were did that come from. I’m antsy. Ornelia calm down.

  I could hear her saying a couple things under her breath. “Besides my sins, what else have you called to talk about Ornelia Rose Jones?” she said coolly.

  I winced at the sting in her words. There was no point in running away from it now…no point in hiding. “Mom do you know a Guy Honsu?” I asked.

  “G-g-guy?” I heard her inhale sharply. “No.” she said.

  I scoffed in disbelief. When will the lying end.

  “Well I do mom.” I said annoyed. “And guess what, he’s my teacher.”

  I heard a couple things crash to the ground sounding like pots and utensils so I was guessing she was in the kitchen. Way to play it cool mom, way to play it cool. That was a complete give away.

  “Ornelia….” Gisele said in that soft voice she used every time she tried to get me to do something.

  “And guess what mom, he asked about you?” I said

  Gisele gasped.

  “Is there anything you need to say?” I asked with more emotion in my voic
e than I intended. I could feel my heart beating faster and my palms sweating.

  “Ornelia don’t involve yourself in things you don’t underst---”

  “Is he my dad?” I asked cutting her off. Please be honest with me…please.

  Gisele was silent on the other line.

  “Mom is he!” I yelled into the phone.

  “Ornelia you stop this right now do you understand me!’ Gisele said yelling back at me.

  “Is he?” I demanded.

  “No okay…Ornelia honey you have me….” Gisele started quickly. “Stop trying to uncover things meant to be left alone. I tell you this all the time. Now Guy is just your teacher and that’s it!” she said sternly.

  “Fine.” I said calmly. “I’ll ask him myself.”

  “Ornelia!” My mom yelled.

  I quickly hung up the phone and placed it on the table. My hands trembled as I stared at it. She was hiding something. I could hear it in her voice. I groaned as I dropped my head on the cold table. Now what? My phone vibrated but I ignored it, I knew it was my mom calling me back to probably yell and try to convince me not to talk to Dr. Honsu. But that was useless, I’d already made up my mind…in fact ever since Andy gave me the picture, I knew that I was going to talk to Dr. Honsu. No doubt about. Now I just had to figure out when…and where. It definitely couldn’t be at school, too public. Invite him to a restaurant…oh shit, too intimate and awkward, not that he would even accept…..show up at his house. I smiled. Yes, a surprise…now I just had to get the address.

  “Why the long face?” A familiar voice asked behind me.

  I sighed as Nico slid into the booth and put his arm around my shoulder. “You’re the worst friend ever.” I said. I barely got to see this kid. He was always busy with this and that and doing this and that…any this and that that didn’t involve us.

  “How am I a bad friend?” Nico asked in shock.

  “I barely see you.” I said lifting my head and staring accusingly at him.

  “I’m not the one playing house with Andy.” Nico said stuffing his hands in his pocket.

  I opened my mouth and then closed it, knowing I didn’t have a smartass reply to that. “I’m not playing house.” I said miserably as I laid my cheek back on the cold table.

  “What’s wrong?” Nico asked reaching over and putting his hand on my head. He massaged my scalp.

  “Too much.” I said enjoying the massage. I closed my eyes. This felt good and relaxing. He ran his fingers through my hair and massaged some more.

  “Tell me about it.” Nico said sadly.

  “What’s it like to be in love?” I asked dreamily as an unwanted smile crept on my lips.

  Nico was quiet for a minute but I didn’t notice as my mind drifted to Andy. He should be getting out of class soon. He looked so handsome this morning when I caught him in between our 9:15 classes. He had on grey corduroy skinny pants and a brown Cosby looking sweater. He looked so delectable when I went up to kiss him. He looked happy as he held me…so happy.

  “You think about them every day, you would do anything for them, put their happiness above yours.” Nico said sullenly. His hand drifted down slowly to my neck. “Even if it kills you.”

  I opened my eyes to see Nico staring at me intently. Neither of us moved from the gaze. What in the world was going on? It wasn’t until his hand moved to caress my cheek that I got up and he reluctantly dropped his hand. I fixed my hair and he looked away.

  “You in love?” He asked calmly as he looked down at the ground.

  “What?” I asked practically jumping out my seat. “No.” I said shaking my head. “What kind of…what kind of question is that?” I tried to calm my beating heart as an image of Andy popped into my head. An involuntary smile appeared on my lips as I looked at the wall. “What do I look like being in love…what no….geez.” I said trying to laugh it off.

  Nico gave a small sad chuckle.

  “But…” I said slowly turning to Nico. “I think maybe Andy…maybe he’s leaning towards that stage.” I said shrugging.

  “You think?” Nico said sarcastically.

  I lifted my head. “Well I don’t know…He hasn’t said anything….well out loud he hasn’t…..said anything.” I said remembering the last couple texts from him that keep ending in “Love you”

  “He doesn’t need to say anything.” Nico said turning his focus on me. “Have you seen the way he looks at you?”

  “Like what?” I asked rolling my eyes.

  “Like you’re the only person in the room.” Nico said softly, his eyes never leaving my face. “Besides you…nothing else matters.” Nico’ voice was strangely alluring at this time. I couldn’t stop staring at him. He seemed so vulnerable at the moment. He wasn’t funny guy Nico anymore….he was just Nico…complex Nico…Nico with so much to say.

  “Sorry Dr. Eisenhoff let us out late.” Andy said pulling in and sitting across from us.

  Nico and I immediately broke eye contact. I gave Andy a shaky smile. What just happened right now? “It’s fine…” I said gathering my stuff.

  Andy looked from Nico to me and back again. “Everything okay?” He asked, his eyes not leaving Nico’s.

  I nodded rapidly.

  “You know just talking about us…and love.” Nico said smirking.

  “And how it’s a bunch of rubbish.” I said. The guys broke eye contact and turned to me. “Come on, I’m starving let’s go.” I told Andy as I got up. I leaned over and gave Nico a big hug. “Come over to the house…we miss you.”

  “Sure I will.” He said his hand lingering on my hips. Nico leaned up and kissed my cheek, a little too close to my mouth.

  By the time I’d slid out the booth, Andy was still sitting and staring at Nico. “Andy let’s go.” I said stretching out my hand.

  Andy didn’t say anything as he picked up his book bag. “Later Nico.” He said getting out the booth.

  Nico nodded his head. “Later.”

  To my surprise Andy didn’t take my hand, instead his arm slid around my waist and he pulled me to him and kissed me. “Lunch, than band than my house?” he asked.

  I nodded and I leaned up and kissed him again for confirmation.

  Andy’s hand slid down, grabbed my butt and squeezed. I grinned as I leaned into him and wrapped my arms around his waist.

  “I’ll take it from here.” Andy said giving Nico a slight nod.

  “Bye Nico.” I said distracted as I walked away and kissed him again.

  I knew Nico watched us go away. But what I missed was the expression of defeat on his face.

  ******

  “Oh God….” I moaned as I bit down into Andy’s shoulder. I tightened my hold around his neck as my hands gripped his hair. Andy had a firm grip on my butt as he kept his constant motion. I hugged him tight as I rocked my hips back and forth eagerly. How this guy managed to fill me completely was beyond me. I kissed and nicked his neck as he sped up the pace. Groaning. I too increased my hip movements to match his. I tilted my head back momentarily as I felt myself practically bouncing on his dick, but shit, it was hitting all the right spots. We both panted as the grip on each other’s body tightened. I was sure my nails were digging into his neck to the point of pain but I felt if I let go of him I would fly off. Both eyes closed we rubbed our faces together until finally our lips reunited. He kissed me passionately, his tongue initiating the same movements as his dick. As I lost myself in his lips and tongue, I dropped one hand down our moist bodies, sliding all the way down until I cupped his balls. It drove him crazy when I did that. Rolling it in my hands I gave him slow subtle caresses round and round as his balls tightened.

  “Ornelia…..fuck…” Andy moaned against my mouth. I loved the way he said my name. I used that opportunity to capture his tongue between my lips and tease it with my own motions. Panting, Andy ran his hands up and down my body, and hugged me as he picked me up and immediately switched positions so I was now underneath him. I protested as he slipped out momentarily, but h
e kissed me hard as he slid back in, held my hip as he pounded into me. I was so glad his sister wasn’t home as I grabbed his butt and dug my nails into his flesh as I let out a loud groan and rode out the orgasm he just triggered. I slid my hand down his butt as Andy moaned my name and quickly followed behind me. I smiled as I realized, he always without fail waited for me to come first…why was that? Andy collapsed on top of me breathing hard as I giggled from fulfillment. I hugged him and kissed his hair as I felt his heartbeat slow. Andy lifted his head and looked at me. I smiled, his hair was damp and sticking to his face, so I reached up and pushed his hair back. He leaned into me and kissed me long and slow. My eyes fluttered at the kiss and I held his face as his lips slowly released mine. We stared at each other, getting lost in this moment. This perfect perfect time in space. If only I could freeze it and frame it and never let it go. My hand slid down his cheek as it dawned that perfect things never existed.