“Hey, she’ll call tonight don’t worry.” Brad said trying to cheer him up. “She’s just at a party right now.”
Andy glared at him. The rest of the members cracked up as Brad held up his drum sticks in defense. “Sorry!” he exclaimed.
*******
I felt his mouth against my neck as his hands unzipped my shorts. I moaned as I dug my hands in his hair.
“You okay?” he asked breathlessly as he climbed on top of me. The mattress squeaking softly.
I smiled as I sat up and unzipped his pants. Was his eyes usually this color? I couldn’t remember. His hands felt different too, but then again nothing felt right as my mind blurred. I nodded as I brought his head down and kissed him. Andy your kisses feel so different.
*******
My headed pounded as I rolled away from the snoring body. I groaned as I dropped to the ground. I held my hair back as I started heaving. Everything in my stomach poured out onto the carpet. I took a deep breath and threw up again. Hot tears stained my cheek as my body kept heaving but nothing else was coming out. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and shakily got up. I could hear faint music in the background as the spinning room slowed down a little bit. This scene looked too familiar. I’ve been here before. I looked on the bed to see Zeus’ sprawled on the covers naked. I felt bile rise in my throat again...but when I turned to the side. Nothing came out. Since I still had my shirt I searched endlessly for my panties and shorts. Not finding my underwear I grabbed my jean shorts and pulled them on quickly. I looked around for my shoes frantically. Not this again. Not this again. Why? Why do I do this? I felt tears falling down my face as I located my black flats and I pulled them on.
Managing to make it out that house in one piece was a miracle. Finding my phone on the counter was divine intervention from God. I stumbled out his house with the biggest headache known to men. I don’t know how I managed to remember where my car was across the street, but I thanked God for the common sense to put my car keys in under my seat. I’d been to too many parties that I knew what to do now. I probably shouldn’t have been behind the wheels as this throbbing headache was blinding my senses. But I couldn’t find myself staying one more second at Zeus’ house. I pulled out of his cul de sac and banged my head on my steering wheel in frustration. I felt sleazy, I felt dizzy and I couldn’t remember shit. Sadly it made me feel a little better. I laughed at my absurdity as I drove. I laughed harder as I turned at the light. I laughed so much I felt my sides hurting. Waking up hungover as shit made me feel better?
“I’m fucked up.” I said aloud to nobody in particular. I laughed again as I took another turn. As I laughed tears fell down my face. In a blink of an eye, my supposed happiness turned into the deepest sorrow I’d ever allowed myself to feel. I gripped the steering wheel as I sped up, the tears blinding me. My mouth opened uncontrollably as I started sobbing loudly. I didn’t even care as the snot ran down my nose. I hated myself. I fucking hated myself. I hit my steering wheel angrily. Why? Why do I do this to myself?
“Momma!” I cried loudly. “Momma! Momma! Momma!” I wanted my mom. I wanted her to hold me and kiss me and sing to me. I wanted her to pretend that everything was going to be all right. But now the one person I trusted my whole life I couldn’t even bear to talk to.
I slowed down as I wiped my face to see where I was. I let out a hopeless laugh at the irony of it all. I’d driven to Andy’s house unconsciously. I stared at the house unable to move. What was I doing here? What did I want? I pulled out my phone. It was 3:30 in the morning. Not knowing what I was doing I parked my car and stumbled out. My mouth felt dry and nasty as I attempted to wipe my face on my t-shirt. It was quiet and chilly out. I got to his steps and froze as I realized his truck wasn’t in the driveway. I laughed and sat down on his porch steps. I was crazy. I’d officially lost my mind. Unable to think anymore, I brought my knees to my chest and laid my head on my knees. Is this what it meant to hit rock bottom?
I must have dozed off because the next thing I remember was hearing my name far in the distance. I lifted my head squinting, to see Andy standing above me peering down with his eyes laced with concern. I looked away from him and wiped my mouth. “You’re home really late.” I said my voice cracking and sounding groggy. It must have been from all that crying.
Andy took a step back and shoved his hands in his pockets. “What are you doing here?” He asked. “How long have you been out here?”
I shrugged and looked at the ground. “5 minutes.” I whispered. What was I doing here? What did I want? “I came to say sorry.” I whispered even lower.
Andy didn’t say anything as my bottom lip trembled. I looked up to see him watching me carefully his eyes moving from my head all the way down to my toes. “For what?” he asked his voice cracking too.
I gave off a weak smile as I crossed my arms over my chest. I looked up at him and for the first time, Andy was the first to avert his eyes. He let out a deep breath and clenched his jaw. He knew. He could take one look at me in the wreck I was and knew. “I slept with Zeus.” I answered louder than I expected. I wanted to see it, see the disappointment in his eyes. I wanted him to look at me and make me feel like shit. Wanted him to yell and say he knew it. I wanted him to tell me he expected it. But Andy didn’t look at me. He didn’t even look in my direction. He stared pass me at his front door.
“Are you happy?” he asked calmly. It was only when he took his hands out of his pockets that I saw they were fists. He crossed his arms. “That’s what you wanted right?”
“I guess…” I answered helplessly as a tear fell down. “For the rest of my fucking life…” I whispered.
I hated the silence between us. I hated even more so that he couldn’t look at me. “What do I do now?” I asked him.
Andy scoffed in disbelief as I saw a couple tears fall from his face. “Whatever the fuck you want to do O.J.” he answered his voice shaking. “Isn’t that how it usually works?” He asked.
I couldn’t breathe as I stood up. “Yeah…” I whispered unable to speak any louder. I sniffled back tears as I walked away. By the time I reached my car door I was sobbing uncontrollably. I wanted to turn around and run back to him. To have him hold me. But I saw his back was still to me. He hadn’t even moved. “I’m sorry.” I whispered and I knew he couldn’t hear me.
******
Andy walked to his front door, opened it and slammed it behind him without once looking back. He stood in complete darkness as his hand trembled to lock the door. He closed his eyes and let the tears fall as he banged his head against the door. Andy allowed himself to drop to the floor. The last thing he wanted was to see her with so much pain on her face. He knew what it was like and if he could take it away from her he would. But she had to be willing to let it go.
*******
I trembled in the corner of my room as I held my phone to my face and heard the ringing.
“Hello?” The sleepy voice answered.
“Cece.” I whispered, my throat immensely dry.
“Nee-nee.” Celine said in surprise as she sat up. Her little sister never called her.
“I’m tired.” I said softly as fresh waves of tears fell down. “I’m so tired.” I said sobbing.
“Nee-nee what’s wrong?” Cece asked panicking. She got up and turned on her lights.
“What’s wrong Celine?” Her roommate asked sitting up at the alertness in Cece’s voice.
I tried to talk and I couldn’t. I tried to tell her, but no words came out. Just tears and heavy breathing.
“Fuck.” Cece said getting up and running to her closet.
“Celine?” her roommate asked in panic.
“Barbara can you please get on my laptop and get me the next flight to Virginia a.s.a.p.” Cece said urgently. She grabbed her jeans and shirt as her roommate rushed out of bed to open the laptop.
“Nee-nee.” Cece said worriedly into the phone. “Nee-nee, I’m coming okay…whatever it is, your big sis is on the way.”<
br />
I nodded as I wiped my face.
Chapter twenty-six
I stirred as I awoke to a soft hand stroking my hair and humming a soft lullaby.
“Momma?” I whispered as I lazily cracked an eye open. Cece smiled down at me as she patted my hair.
“I remember mom humming this to you every time you felt like shit.” She replied.
I sighed as I turned in my bed and tried to open both eyes. The sunlight hitting my bed was killing all senses inside me. “Am I home?” I asked confused.
Cece shook her head as she scooted off the bed. “You’re extremely hungover, you smell disgusting and you look like shit…but no you’re not home.” She said smiling sadly at me.
I struggled to sit up. “What are you doing here?” I asked as I tried to remember last night.
“You called me.” She said softly as she rested her soft brown eyes on me.
“Oh.” I croaked. I fucked up…again.
Cece came to the side of the bed and grabbed my arm and pulled me hard. I tried to protest, but she had some secret strength in her as she dragged me out of the bed. “No seriously.” Cece said. “You need a shower.”
“No…” I moaned as I tried to lunge for my bed. I was intercepted as she wrapped her arms around me and dragged me to the bathroom.
“I withstood the smell for 4 hours because you were like some sort of comatose patient.” She said grunting as she turned around and pushed me in the tub. I tried to prevent my fall but yelled in pain as my butt hit the bathtub. “But now that you’re up….” She said as she turned the knob.
“That’s cold water!” I whined as I hugged my knees to my chest. I didn’t even have the strength to move away as the freezing water hit my head and tapped profusely against me.
Cece grinned as she adjusted the knob to a more tolerable temperature. “Arms up.” She instructed. I complied and she reached down and lifted my shirt over my head. She took the wet shirt and balled it up. “Shorts.” She said. I moved slightly and pulled my shorts off and handed it to her. She reached for the stopper and stopped the water flow down the drain. “You feel dirty and shitty right?” she asked.
I simply nodded as she reached over and grabbed a lavender scented bubble bath set that I’ve never used. She poured it around the tub and adjusted the water hotter. “A warm bath will help with part of that.” She said knowingly. I stared at the rising bubbles as Cece stared at me. I felt her gaze but I was too ashamed to look up at her. She finally looked away and rubbed my back. Reaching over she turned off the water. “Soak in here for a while okay.” She said softly.
I nodded as I sniffled.
Cece grabbed my clothes and headed to the door.
“Thank you.” I said softly. For everything, for being here…thanks.
Cece smiled at the vulnerable state her little sister was in. “That’s what sisters are for.” She said. Opening the door, she walked out the bathroom and closed it behind her, allowing herself to finally take a deep breath. She’d gotten on the plane 2 hours after the phone call and had called Brittany to come pick her up from the airport. Her sister’s roommates had been there waiting for her and she had immediately started interrogating them. What the fuck had happened to her sister? They said they didn’t know, that when she came home after the party she’d locked herself in the room. They told her she’d been acting weird ever since she came back from the spring break tour. That the next morning she’d broken up with Andy and was completely wasted at the party they’d went to. Cece was appalled that they left her wasted at some party. What if something had happened to her? They argued that her sister was the most stubborn thing on the planet and she wasn’t a baby. Cece couldn’t argue there with them. She looked helplessly at the two young girls. It wasn’t really their responsibility to baby sit her little sister. She knew Ornelia went overboard with everything, whether it be good or bad. This time her little sister might have just reached her breaking point.
*******
I sat on the edge of the bed, my hands trembling as I held my phone. I stared at it a little longer. Not really sure what I was expecting. I felt the light weight of Cece’s hand patting my hair and letting her fingers gently slide through it.
“What are you waiting for?” She asked.
“I don’t know.” I whispered. I gently laid my phone down on my bed. Why would he call? He had no reason to call. “I don’t know.” I whispered again.
Cece sighed as she reached over and grabbed my phone off the bed. Turning it around, she removed the back and took out the battery. “You broke up with him, you shattered his heart into little pieces, you fucked his enemy…you just might be the last person he wants to think about.” She said honestly. “Stop doing his to yourself.”
“I should apologize.” I said weakly reaching for the phone.
“And say what?” Cece demanded.
I paused and retreated my hands back to my lap. “I don’t know.” I admitted.
Cece groaned as she got off the bed and stalked to my desk. Frustrated she slammed the phone and the battery down. “That’s the problem with you Nee-nee.” She said turning back around to face me. So many emotions were across her face, I couldn’t focus. “You don’t know anything.”
I looked away at the accusation and hugged myself tighter. The oversized t-shirt engulfed me and I wish it could just swallow me whole.
“You’re not an abandoned little girl anymore.” Cece remarked.
My head shot up and I glared at her. “Be careful with your next words.” I warned.
“Why?” Cece challenged. “You can’t possibly fuck up anymore.”
“Why the fuck are you even here?” I demanded as I sat up straight. This conversation was definitely not headed in my favor and it was making me more than a tad bit uncomfortable.
“Oh I don’t know…” Cece said in an unnecessarily exaggerated tone as she threw her hands in the air. “Maybe because you called me in the middle of the night bawling your eyes out.”
I looked away, more than ashamed. “You didn’t have to come.” I huffed, my voice full of ungratefulness.
“Grow the fuck up!” Cece yelled, startling me. Cece almost never yelled, she always had the pacifist voice that annoyed the hell out of me.
I looked up at her to see tears in her eyes, completely catching me off guard.
“Because you’re killing yourself.” Cece said sniffling. “You’re…you’re…destroying the only life you have to hold onto.”
I looked away as I felt tears brimming at the corners of my eyes. “Stop being so dramatic.” I said my voice dry and thick. “I’m fine.”
Cece laughed in disbelief. “You’re fine?” she asked. “You’re fine?” she asked again, not waiting for a response. “Good.”
I watched as she went to my other desk and grabbed her purse.
“I forgot you’re always fine.” Cece said laughing sadly. “Lucky you.”
I tried to hide my panic as she swung her purse over her shoulder and walked towards the door.
“Where are you going?” I asked, my voice betraying me. I felt my insides start to crumble, and anxiety start to set in.
“I’m going back.” Cece said promptly. “Silly me, I rushed over for a sister who’s completely fine. A sister who has everything completely under control. What was I panicking for?” she asked. “I should have known better. My little sister always handles everything. She doesn’t need anybody.” Cece put on a sad smile and turned away from me.
As she was talking, I felt my throat contract and it was getting harder and harder to breathe. A couple rebellious tears fall down my cheek as I watched her grab the door knob. Don’t go, please don’t go. I prayed fervently as I watched her back. I don’t know what was stopping me from verbalizing my thoughts but I was frozen. I saw her slight hesitation at the door. I stopped breathing for a minute but then she opened the door and promptly walked out without turning around or uttering a good bye. I stared at my closed door as I felt the air rush out
of me. I felt the temperature of my body drop instantly and numbness forcing its way in once again. My only dependable defense mechanism that’s what that was.
What was I doing? This? Did I want this again? I was suffocating.
I shot out of bed and yanked my door open. “Cece!” I yelled and ran down the small hallway. I turned and saw her holding the front door. I ran and slammed the door shut, pressing my back against it. “Don’t go.” I whispered as I stared at the ground. “Please…” I said as the tears blurred my vision. “Please don’t leave me.”
“Why not?” Cece said crossing her arms across her chest. “You’re fine aren’t you?” she asked. I didn’t respond. “You’re always fine…there’s no need for me to be here.”
I sniffled back snot as I wiped my nose. I’m fine right? I’ll be okay. I’m always okay.
“Nee-nee, move.” Cece said reaching for the door.
O.J. Page 59