I shook my head violently as I locked the door behind me.
“Ornelia stop it…I called a taxi…” Celine said sternly.
“I’m not okay.” I whispered for the first time in my life. “I’m not…” I said shaking my head. “It hurts…” I tried to breathe and found that it was getting harder and harder. I lifted my hand and placed it where the pain was throbbing. Right across my left breast. “I just…I just…” I closed my eyes as a wave of emotions swept over me. “I’m so tired.” I admitted weakly. “So…so tired.”
Cece took a step towards me.
“Of everything.” I finished.
Having her arms sweep across me broke the last restrain I was holding onto. I clung to her desperately, allowing myself to cry on her shoulder. I’d sworn I’d never display real pain in front of anybody again. When I was little, it didn’t matter. Nobody cared if I was hurting, I had to suck it up. I had to be strong. I had to prove I was better, that I was capable, I was stronger…anything less than that was rewarded with side glances and insecurities. I didn’t want that anymore…I wanted to be held and comforted and have it really mean something.
******
Andy grabbed his phone as he frantically looked through the missed calls. Frustrated he dropped his phone on the bar and covered his face. He was hot, his throat was dry and he couldn’t focus. What was she doing? He ran his hands nervously through his hair and resisted the urge to call her. She didn’t want him. She’d made that perfectly clear. Andy agonized as he pushed the beer mug off the bar and enjoyed the sound of the thick mug making contact with the ground and the spilling of the liquid.
“You dropped your beer.” A soft voice said to his right.
Andy turned around and met the smiling face of a beautiful raven-haired blue eyed woman. She shrugged and smiled as she sat down next to him.
“It’s a closed practice.” Andy said referring to his bandmates and the bar they would be playing in a couple hours. The owner being a fan had agreed to close his bar, even kicking out the early drinkers, stating he would probably have a full house later.
The woman grinned, revealing small beautiful teeth. “I know.” She said as she made her way behind the counter. "My brother owns the bar, so I’m free to walk in and out as I please…” she remarked as she pulled out a mug. “Especially if my favorite band is around.” She said bowing her head shyly and blushing. She poured Andy’s beer, too embarrassed to make eye contact. When she finished she slide it to him.
Andy mumbled a thank you, but didn’t even take it. “That’s on the house Andy.” The woman remarked.
Andy looked up, positive he’d never given her his name.
The young woman blushed and looked away. “I should have asked you your name first.” She mumbled, the tips of her ears getting even redder.
A small smile appeared at the corner of Andy’s mouth. “It’s okay.” He said as he reached for his beer.
*******
I couldn’t remember the last time my older sister and I actually had one on one bonding time. I think if we disregarded the necessities of having to share a room growing up for a couple years, I believe it was never. So spending a whole weekend with her taking on a role as big sister, made me feel as though I was living in some fantasy world. And when I said weekend, it consisted of the end of Sunday, Monday and Tuesday, so I missed the first two days going back to school. I didn’t think much about it. Teachers tend to be a little lenient during the first week of returning to school. Besides Cece said my sanity was probably more important than sleeping in class.
It’s almost ridiculous how you can share the same blood with somebody and yet know absolutely nothing about them. She elaborated on her affair, she remarked on how it took her completely by surprise and she really thought she could change him. But after two years and the same story, she’d only started to realize how she was the one being played. Yet she found it hard to tear herself away from him. He was so convincing in making her feel special. The downfall is he was her dream man, in appearance, intelligence and money. But just last week she’d seen his wife and kids on campus. The kids were jumping on their dad and they’d seem so happy. He didn’t look like a man on the brink of a divorce. Cece had felt sick to her stomach at the woman she’d never thought she would become.
We talked about Steven. I think through the conversation we’d realized that he was already a different breed of dad. He’d cared more about himself than anybody else. Even when I’d bring up the differences in his view towards me, Cece threw me a curveball. Steven was insanely jealous of me. I couldn’t quite understand that. She didn’t elaborate but she told me she found out when she was 12. Then we remarked on how he didn’t really seem to stay out. Over the years, he sort of faded out of our lives, moving out and finally showing up only during special occasions. Cece let me know that even if Steven hated me, it balanced out because I was mom’s favorite. I argued profusely on that charge but she wouldn’t budge, bringing up evidence upon evidence using her lawyer skills against me once more.
Speaking of mom, I hadn’t talked to her since the last time. I finally told Cece, needing somebody else to share the burden with. Shock wouldn’t be the word to describe her expression. She stared at my father’s picture that I handed her, unable to find a logical explanation for mom’s behavior. I smiled sadly when she said I resembled the man. She stared off in a distance and apologized that I never got to meet him. Staring at my dad’s picture again she said the familiarity was too much. She remembered seeing him before when I was just a couple months old.
He’d came to the house and mom had talked to him outside for a long time, never letting him in. she remembered because mom had told her to leave her bike and go upstairs to keep an eye on her little sister while she talked to the man. When she’d asked who he was, mom had said he was just a friend from school. The man had looked hurt and confused as he stared at mom. Cece never saw him again but remembered he had the most captivating smile when he smiled down at her.
“So have you talked to mom yet?” Cece asked carefully as though opening a can of worms.
I shook my head. “I can’t even…I don’t even know what to say.” I said shaking my head. “I’m trying but I can’t think about her without getting mad.” I admitted.
Cece rubbed my back. “It’s okay…step by step, Rome wasn’t built in a day.”
“But it collapsed.” I said.
Cece rolled her eyes and I smiled. “That’s beside the point.” She said digging into her rocky road tube of ice-cream. “But you will have to talk to mom again.” She said sticking the full spoon in her mouth.
I sighed as I dug into my own tub of butter pecan ice-cream. “One day.” I remarked.
Cece grinned and rolled her eyes. I smiled as I continued eating my ice-cream. I watched her and wondered why I never invested in our relationship. Oh yeah, because I had been too busy comparing myself to her. She really was a great sister…uugghhh how annoying. I felt like my life will be much more complicated now since the realization that I didn’t hate her.
I chuckled to myself and let my mind wander. And wander it did, to the one person I couldn’t seem to get out of my system. We’d talked about him briefly. I mean it was universal the fact that I fucked up. I wish I’d never met him. Had I never met him, I never would have hurt him. I twirled my ice-cream as I stared blankly at the tub. Maybe he’s over this? Maybe he’s over me? Maybe he found somebody better already? I mean who wouldn’t want him? He was sweet, nice, handsome, gentle…
“You thinking about him again?” Cece asked, invading my thoughts.
“What?” I asked my head shooting up. I saw the smirk on her face and rolled my eyes. “No.”
“How do you know who I’m talking about?” she asked innocently.
I opened my mouth and then shut it. I looked away. “I’m not thinking about anybody.” I said putting my spoon down.
“Lots of regret?” she asked.
I sighed and nodded. “I ju
st…I just wish I was a better person you know.” I said. “Or that I’d never met him…” I said distracted. “We were so different…I don’t….I don’t even know where he crept in.” I said even more confused. “Nothing makes sense.”
“Do you love him?” Cece asked calmly.
I paused as I weighed in the question. “I don’t think so.” I said softly.
Cece nodded in understanding.
“I mean I don’t even know what that is.” I said trying to explain. “But he made me feel better…he made me feel different, special…like if I trusted him, everything would be okay you now.” I said. I paused again as something else hit me. “I don’t think I had time to love him…I was too focused on me, on what I was feeling…what I wanted…me, me, me.” I finished softly.
Cece smiled gently. “Looks like my little sister has grown up after all.”
I looked away and stared out the window. “But if I was ever to love somebody, I think it would be him.” I ended remorsefully. A tear trailed down my cheek. “I just don’t understand when he says he loves me, why I panicked so much….what I’m so scared of.”
Cece put her spoon down as she contemplated her own life.
“Is it because I feel he doesn’t mean it?” I asked Cece. “Like he’s not ready for that? Or I’m not ready? Or I don’t deserve it?”
“I don’t know.” Cece said honestly. She reached over and grabbed my hand. “I do know that you do deserve it.” She said rubbing her thumb across my hand. “Just stop being scared…” she said shrugging. “Maybe then you’ll get the answers you want.
I narrowed my eyes at her and pulled my hand away. “I hate it when you do that.” I grumbled. But inside my spirits were soaring and there was a certain weight off my shoulders. Cece laughed and picked back up her spoon. Did I want to give it a try for real this time?
*********
“Oh my God just a couple more weeks and then absolute freedom.” Brittany said slamming her books on the table we’d managed to snag in the ever so busy computer lab. The end of the semester was the worst time to hang out in the computer lab because everybody crammed 8 month work of school into a few weeks.
Jazmine, Nico and I looked at her pile of books in disgust.
“Aren’t you going to med school?” Jazmine asked as she bit into her cupcake.
Brittany groaned and plopped down on the couch next to Nico. “Shit, don’t remind me.” She said.
I laughed as I stood up. “You’re the only one of us who even knows their final exam schedule….we still have a couple weeks.”
“A couple?” Brittany shrieked. “Only three!”
Nico and Jazmine snickered as they got up too. “Okay nerd, you’re they only one who doesn’t have class, see you in a bit.” Nico teased as he patted her hair. Brittany pushed him away and glared. Nico shrugged innocently as he wrapped his arms around Jazmine and I’s shoulder.
We teased Brittany a little more before separating. I told my good-bye to Nico and Jazmine as I went up the stairs to the third floor. I turned the corner and froze as I held my big purse closer to me. It’s been almost a week since I last talked to him in front of his house. Here he was his head in the black leather journal I gave him. He was walking and trying to write something inside at the same time. He looked so good in his black skinnies and plain white V-neck. He was fumbling with lip ring and his hair seemed to have grown a little more. My heart skipped a couple beats as he got closer. Worried, I turned back around and pressed myself against the wall. I held my breath as he passed by. This was the third time I’d seen him…and I couldn’t bring myself to face him. Either he was talking to somebody or he was in the middle of something, but either way, I panicked when he came in view. My heart would beat faster, my hands would get clammy, and my throat would dry up. I always hid behind something or quickly avoided his path. I was being reduced to an adolescent little girl with her first crush all over again.
I mentally kicked myself again.
“Hey.” Somebody said behind me.
I almost pissed myself as I turned around, but relaxed slightly as I saw it was only Zeus. “What?” I asked walking down the hallway.
“You haven’t been answering my calls, you avoid me in school…what’s wrong?” he asked his green eyes staring at me with concern as he jogged up to meet me.
“Do you really need me to spell it out for you?” I snapped as I stopped walking.
Zeus froze. “O.J….” he said softly. He actually looked concerned. I felt him grab my hand. I stopped walking and turned around to face him. “I swear, I didn’t know you were wasted.” He said keeping his eyes on me. “I mean you were coherent…you agreed…I would…” he seemed appalled. “I would never force you to do anything….I mean if I knew you were completely wasted out your mind, I wouldn’t have---“
I groaned. “Zeus its fine.”
“No O.J. I swear to God.” Zeus insisted passionately.
“I know.” I said. “God Zeus, I’m not blaming you for fucking me while I was drunk, I basically knew what I was doing. I don’t really hold you responsible for that mess.” I said. “I just meant that I don’t think you and me would work out…I think we’re better buddies.” I said.
Zeus was shocked. “But….but I…I really like you.” Zeus lowered his voice. “A lot.” He added.
I sighed and smiled softly at the guy who’d been apologizing day after day after day. “I only like you…a little bit.” I answered honestly. “As a friend.” I shrugged. “You know me…I like to flirt.”
Zeus shook his head in disbelief. “So this is what this feels like.” He said. “This is shitty.” He said softly.
I shook my head. “No what was shitty was that hangover I had from your party.” I said lightening the mood.
Zeus let out a soft chuckle. ”Seriously you’re okay though right…your friends were on my case about---”
“I’m good.” I said smiling. “I swear I’ll tell Nico not to whoop your ass.” I said having walked in on Nico and Zeus about to go at it in one of the hallways two days ago.
Zeus smiled sadly. “Well if you change your mind---”
I shook my head.
He sighed. “Hug for old time sake?” he asked stretching his arms.
“Why not?” I said nicely as I fell into his embrace. I smiled softly and made the mistake of looking up. I froze. Staring at us from a couple feet away holding the door was Andy. The expression in his eyes were unreadable as he looked up at me and met my eyes. I couldn’t look away but the panic I’d started to feel around him returned. Andy quickly looked away and walked out the door he’d been holding open.
Why couldn’t I catch a break?
********
Nervous. Nervous was what I was. Nervous and scared and slightly excited. It’s been three days, since Andy had seen Zeus and I hug in the hallway. It’s also been three days since I last saw him. Three days I couldn’t get him out of my mind. Three days of driving myself insane. That’s why I was here. In the late afternoon on his doorsteps, twiddling my thumb out of nervousness. I had to talk to him…I had to say something or I was going to go insane. I didn’t want to go crazy, but it looked like Andy would make me do so. I know I should have called or texted him, but that just seemed so impersonal.
I sighed as I paced in front of his door, trying to find the courage to ring the doorbell.
“Uuugghhh.” I moaned in frustration. My hand trembled as I quickly rang the doorbell before I changed my mind. I contemplated going away but I rang the doorbell again and took a deep breath. I exhaled slowly as I thought about what I would say. What do I say? Was I even in a position to say anything? I panicked again. What the hell was I doing here? I tried to calm my nerves when I realized that I was still at the front door. I turned around, sure enough his car was in the driveway. He wouldn’t go anywhere without his car. Maybe he went somewhere with Susan? I took a step back but then rang the doorbell again for good measure. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.
Slightly disappointed I turned around and walked off his porch. I tried right?
“Ornelia?” A familiar voice said breathlessly in shock.
I turned around my eyes landing on the intense blue eyes that kept me awake at night. “Andy.” I said turning smiling, turning around and walking back up his stairs. “Hey.” I said slightly shy. Andy’s hair was ruffled and his shirt and jeans seemed to have been put on a hurry. Maybe I’d woken him up from a nap. It was rare that the band gave him days to just relax.
“What are doing here?” He asked confused. His eyes roaming mine. He stood by the door slightly ajar.
I shrugged. “I wanted to say hi.” I said giving a small smile. I looked down at the ground. My voice was shaky, I was so nervous. “And apologize…profusely.” I said shaking my head. I took a deep breath. “Uhm….there’s no reason for you to forgive me, or anything…but I hope you will…one day.” I said looking up at him.
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