by Bijou Hunter
“I like your braids,” Bonn says, lightly tugging at my hair.
“The laundry is almost done.”
“You want to stay for dinner?”
“No.”
“Please, Mom,” Elle whines, killing my resolve with her desperation.
“Fine, but I need to talk to your dad alone for a minute.”
Elle dances around, excited about staying for dinner and her future cat. I hear her dialing my phone to call Harmony.
“I want to name him Pepper,” Elle tells my sister.
Bonn and I walk into the laundry room where the dryer quietly rumbles.
“What’s up?” he asks full of innocence.
“Did you say I could use your laundry, so I’d feel bad that I can’t give Elle all this?” I ask, waving my hand angrily and fighting the urge to slap his perfect face. “Did you want to rub things in, and let me know how well you’re doing with your stripper cash?”
“Whoa, hold up. I know you’re nursing a sizable grudge against me, but you can’t possibly be angry enough to seriously ask me that.”
“Don’t turn this around on me.”
Bonn’s a big guy, and the laundry room doesn’t give him much room. I swear he’s nearly on top of me, and I can’t breathe with him so close.
“You know I want another chance for us to work, so why would I do something to make you feel like shit?” he asks, playing with my braid again.
“I don’t know why you do anything.”
“Then let me take you out to dinner so we can get reacquainted. That way, you’ll know me better.”
“No.”
“Why?”
“I don’t want to spend time with you,” I say, sounding like a bratty kid.
“I don’t believe that’s true. Besides, we need to become at least friendly for Chevelle’s sake.”
“Friendly, huh?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t know if I can ever look at you without seeing Kim.”
Bonn flinches ever so slightly at the mention of the bitch’s name, but he rebounds quickly and shrugs.
“Then see Kim, but we need to be able to sit down and have a civil conversation.”
Crossing my arms, I wish I could look him in the eye without wanting him to touch me. “We’re having a civil conversation right now, and I don’t want to see Kim.”
“You see her around town anyway.”
“Yeah, and she’s fat and has horrible acne. Oh, and I hear her husband smacks her around. Hating the actual Kim isn’t fun. Hating the Kim I see when I look at you is fun, and I don’t think I want to give up that feeling.”
“Well, if you like hating the Kim you see when you look at me, then you should want to have dinner. It’ll give you a chance to see that bitch Kim more.”
“Crap. I walked into that one.”
“Is that a yes for dinner?”
Rolling my eyes, I cross my arms tighter. “Do I have to be civil to you?”
“You don’t have to do anything besides sit across from me and eat.”
“You’ll make me talk.”
“No one is making you do anything.”
“If it were only that simple.”
“Nothing worth having is simple.”
“A dinner between parents, not whatever we were.”
“You know what we were, and I won’t pretend I don’t want you.”
“Fine, I’ll go to dinner, but I can’t promise I won’t be rude the entire time. You bring out the worst in me.”
Bonn’s smile irritates me even more. I want him to fear my temper, not find it sexy. The man refuses to be distracted from his current goal. I plan to wait him out, though.
Or maybe, just maybe I might possibly find a way to improbably push past my anger long enough to perhaps return to his arms.
Eleven - Bonn
My mother claims she was born under a bad sign. Her parents were drunks who left her alone a lot. She had a learning disability that kept her from keeping up in class. Dropping out of high school left her with few work opportunities. All she had were her good looks, and she lost them after Howler Hallstead knocked her up.
Mom’s been on disability for as long as I can remember. A coughing fit left her so lightheaded one day that she took a tumble down a flight of stairs and tore up her back and right leg. I was fourteen when she got hurt. While she was in the hospital, I ended up staying with Charlie Nestor and her husband, Billy, at the Lush Gardens Trailer Park.
At my lowest, I met the girl meant to change my life. I felt so comfortable at the trailer park that I hadn’t wanted to move back with my mom. But she had no one else and needed me.
Alone now, Mom only leaves the apartment for doctor’s appointments and required evaluations by the Social Security Administration. I visit her a few times a week with groceries, and she watched Chevelle while I stripped. Otherwise, she’s content with her TV.
I love my mom dearly but walking into her apartment is like entering purgatory. Nothing about her or the place feels warm. She stares at her TV and plays her online games, but she takes no joy in anything. The only time she smiles is for Chevelle. She’ll fake happiness for her granddaughter. Otherwise, she’s waiting for death to take her.
“You seem chipper,” Mom says, lighting a cigarette while I put away groceries in her tiny kitchen.
“Ruby and I are going out to dinner tomorrow.”
“On a date?”
“Yes. I’ve made it my mission to win her back.”
“Why now?”
“I’m sick of missing her.”
“She’ll never forgive you, so why waste time with someone who’ll never give you what you want?”
“I love Ruby.”
“You’ve barely spoken to her in years. If you didn’t have Chevelle, you’d have forgotten about Ruby by now.”
“That’s your opinion.”
Mom exhales hard, filling the air with smoke. “You’ve always been soft inside. When you were a little boy, I enjoyed your tenderness. Now, though, you’re too old to have fairytales in your head. You need to get serious about finding a woman who ain’t holding a grudge.”
“I am not soft. In fact, the easier thing would be walking away. Instead, I’m willing to suffer to reclaim Ruby. You don’t have to agree with my thinking, but you could at least pretend to be supportive.”
“Don’t get your back up,” Mom says, frowning at me in the dark room. “I’m trying to help. If you don’t want help, well, then okay. I’ll just say good luck and leave it at that.”
“Thank you.”
“Just promise me if you give this a real shot and it doesn’t work out, that you’ll finally walk away and find someone else.”
“No,” I say, knowing no other woman can compare to Ruby.
“You don’t want to end up alone like me.”
“You made a choice, and I am too. That’s all we can do in life.”
Mom gives me a harsh frown, revealing a rough, wrinkled face marred by years of suffering, illness, and negativity.
“I did the best I could.”
“I know. Now I’m doing my best.”
Settling into her chair, Mom nods. “Just don’t get stuck like I did after your father abandoned me. Don’t focus on what you lost rather than searching for something new to hold onto. Can you do that, Bonn?”
“Yeah, Mom,” I whisper, kissing the top of her head.
What I don’t tell my mother is how Howler never gave two shits about her while Ruby and I were once deeply in love. Comparing our situations makes no fucking sense, but I still pretend for her benefit. I can’t stop being soft with Mom, but I’m done being a passive jerk when it comes to the rest of my life.
Twelve - Ruby
Feeling a nervous wreck while preparing for my dinner with Bonn, I pray to the acne gods to keep my face blemish free. Hair-wise, I’m relatively happy, but I can’t deal with how fat my ass looks in these leggings.
“I need to change again,” I tell my
sisters who sit on my bed.
“No!” they cry in unison.
Daisy stands up and looks in my closet. “You’ve changed three times, and each time you look essentially the same.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means you only have two looks. Leggings with a long shirt. Or jeans and a long T-shirt.”
“Why do you hide your butt?” Harmony asks, poking my rear with her bare toes.
Ignoring Harmony’s questions, I ask Daisy, “What else am I going to wear?”
“Why not show off your legs with a dress?” Daisy suggests.
“I haven’t shaved this week.”
“But you knew you were going on a date,” Harmony says, stretching out on my bed. “Didn’t you worry about getting naked with hairy legs?”
“I knew having hairy legs would keep me from doing anything stupid.”
“With Bonn, you never know what could happen.”
Daisy digs around in my closet before sighing dramatically. “You’ve gone a long time without sex. You might not make it to the restaurant before you use his leg as a stripper pole.”
“Had to mention the stripper crap, didn’t you?” I growl, thankful Elle is spending the evening at Sally’s place.
“The man has a bod sexy enough for stripping. Yeah, I’m going to mention that when you claim you shouldn’t hump him.”
“I’m not a dog.”
“Neither is he.”
“Ugh, just help me pick something. Should I wear jeans?”
“No, you don’t own a single pair that doesn’t look beat to hell, and none of the holes are in the right places.”
“Wear the dark green tunic,” Harmony says, pointing at the closet. “It looks a little fancy, and the color makes your olive skin shine like the sun.”
“Are you high?” Daisy asks Harmony.
“Just on life, sis.”
“I forget how weird you are now that I’ve moved away.”
“You live ten minutes from here,” I point out.
“Feels like I’m in another state sometimes.”
Before we get nostalgic, I find my two green tunics
“Which one?” I ask Harmony while holding up the shirts I bought at Goodwill.
“The one on the left is lower cut. You’ll show a little skin and make him want to see more.”
“I don’t want to seduce Bonn, so I’ll wear the other one.”
Harmony loses her smile but doesn’t complain. Daisy is too busy searching my closet for something better. I slide on the new shirt and check the long mirror on the back of my bedroom door.
“I look ready for a job interview.”
“Nothing sexier,” Daisy teases. “Doesn’t matter what you wear. Bonn always looks at you like a starving man.”
“He’s an assface.”
“Yes, but he’s an assface who looks at you like a starving man.”
“I can’t forgive him, so this friendship thing is stupid,” I mutter, crossing my arms.
Daisy wraps her arms around me and stares at our reflections in the mirror.
“You’ve never asked him why he did what he did.”
“Who cares why he did it?”
“You do. I do. Harmony would if she wasn’t dozing on your bed.”
We glance at our sister and find her half asleep.
Smiling, I whisper, “She picked up some extra shifts to save up for Keanu’s birthday.”
“Well, then we’ll be quiet,” Daisy says, taking my hand and tugging me from the bedroom. “I have been thinking about you and Bonn lately.”
“Why is that?”
“My lunch period falls at a weird time, so I eat alone every day. That leaves me with a lot of time to daydream.”
After wrapping my hair into a loose ponytail, I check my appearance in the bathroom mirror.
“Want to hear about my idea?” Daisy asks while standing too close behind me.
“I guess.”
“You should ask him for the details about that night with Kim. Force him to own up to what he did. If you still want to punch his face, then nothing he does will ever change things.”
“I don’t want to know the details.”
“Sure, you do. I know I would. Like did he always want Kim? Was it a coincidence they hooked up that night or was it something he had in mind for a while? That would tell you a lot more about Bonn than just knowing he cheated.”
I think about her questions and how awful I feel hearing them. I don’t know if I’m up to sitting across from Bonn while he says the answers.
“He wants us to be friends. Well, I think he wants more, but he claims we should be friends. What if asking the questions makes it impossible for me to be his friend? Isn’t that bad for Elle?”
“You’ve been angry for so long,” Daisy says in her tender way. “Now you have a chance to let the pain go. I don’t doubt it’ll hurt more when you hear the words, but hearing them could help you heal. After all this time, don’t you deserve a chance to move past what he did?”
“I never want to forgive him,” I admit, seeing my frowning face in the mirror.
“Why?”
“Without my anger, I don’t know who I am anymore. Especially when it comes to Bonn. My anger has defined our relationship for so long. Now he wants to make things different, but I’m not ready to change.”
“You’ve always been so strong, Ruby,” Daisy says, hugging me from behind. “You can handle the truth. I’m not sure Bonn is strong enough to tell you the truth. He’s played the sad, nice guy crap for so long that I don’t think he even understands why you hate him so much. Maybe it’s time for him to face the truth.”
I stand in my bathroom, feeling lost in a place I know with my eyes closed. Bonn stole many things – trust, security, wide-eyed hope – from me years ago. No matter what I want to happen tonight, I don’t know if I can ever reclaim what I lost.
Thirteen – Bonn
The first time I saw Ruby, I was a goner. My teenage hormones went into overdrive, and I couldn’t spit out a single sentence to her. Ruby figured I was a rude asshole because I crazy-stared long after any normal person would have looked away. No matter her frowning face, I thought she was too beautiful to be real.
We became friends, but I had the worst crush on her. Whenever we shared a room, I felt like a damn pervert for hiding an erection. Ruby pretended to be indifferent to the opposite sex, and I almost believed her lies. That is until the day I got up the urge to kiss her.
My amateur attempt should have repelled Ruby. Instead, she pulled me closer and deepened the kiss. Turned out, Ruby had a raging crush on me too.
Those days are long past, and Ruby’s loving feeling isn’t something I can conceivably get back. Logically, I know I’ve lost her for good.
I just don’t care.
Ruby is everything I want, and I’d be a fool if I didn’t win her back.
Answering the door, Ruby stares at me with dark, irritated eyes. I don’t take her frowns personally. Anger makes sense to her for now. I need to earn my way back into her heart and bed.
“You look beautiful,” I say once we’re standing next to my SUV. “Green is a great color on you.”
“I know.”
Ruby’s tone zaps away my confidence, but I regain it as soon as I’m sitting in the driver’s seat. Her scent warms my SUV, reminding me of my end game.
“You’re passing up a chance to mention how I clean up well. You know, and give me a dig about my stripping job.”
Ruby glances at me before returning her anxious gaze to the front window.
“I’m not giving you a compliment,” she mutters. “Even a backhanded one.”
“I understand. I’ve wronged you and compliments are for good boys.”
Ruby shoots me a pissed look, but I’m already laughing. She watches me chuckle and then slowly returns to her angry pose. I know she wants to smile. Ruby’s always had a weakness for laughter. When others get started, she needs to join in.
Fourteen - Ruby
The restaurant reeks of burned onions. When my stomach responds by growling wildly, Bonn glances up from his menu and smiles at me. He looks so painfully perfect that I want to slap him. Just beat the crap out of him until he looks like the rest of us lowly humans.
“Did you buy that blazer with your stripper cash?” I ask, deciding to take his earlier suggestion.
“No, my mom bought it for me for my last birthday.”
Bonn’s answer flows easily as if he expects my rude question. His confidence sends me into a rage, and I doubt I could hate him more right now. Well, I could find out he fucked Kim ten minutes before showing up at my place.
“Was Kim a good lay?” I ask as soon as the waitress leaves us alone in the nearly empty restaurant.
“Do you really want to know?” he asks, losing his casual smile.
“Let’s rip open this wound and dig around in there.”
Bonn leans back in his chair. “No, she wasn’t. I wasn’t any good either. I was drunk and kept burping. I had nasty indigestion too and vomited in my mouth some. Do you want to hear more?”
“Sure, this is great shit.”
Bonn plays with the fork for a second and then focuses on me. “Kim was wearing strong body lotion, and I licked it off her neck and started dry heaving. After that, I just laid there and let her do everything.”
“Why her? Did you fantasize about her?”
“The only reason it was with Kim was because she was one of two girls flirting with me that night. The other was Sam Kendrick’s ex-girlfriend. They broke up, and he told everyone their sex secrets. After that, every time I looked at Sera I imagined Sam fisting her. With my stomach already upset, that image was too much. Kim was the only other option, and she made me think everything could be easy. I didn’t have to worry about the future or responsibilities. I could be a poon chasing eighteen-year-old without a care in the fucking world.”