by Bijou Hunter
“Somehow, your story doesn’t make me want to be friends with you.”
“You asked.”
“I thought the truth would be a good thing.”
“In this case, the truth ain’t pretty.”
“So you didn’t like fucking Kim?”
“No. She had bony hips and a weird rhythm. I couldn’t figure out what she wanted me to do.”
“Did you have a thing for her before that night?”
“No, I told you. She was just available.”
“Did you go to the party to fuck someone else?” I ask, fighting nausea rising in me. “Was that your plan?”
“No. I just wanted to let off some steam and let loose.”
“What does that even mean?”
“It means I was tense and thought booze would distract me from that tension.”
“Tense about what? About us having a baby or me being fat? What exactly was so bad that you needed to let loose?” I ask between clenched teeth.
“You don’t really think it had anything to do with you gaining weight, do you?”
Nearly coming out of the seat, I lose my temper. “How would I know what goes through your fat head?”
“I was freaking out about being a dad,” Bonn says in a hard voice. “You already felt like a mom because you could feel her inside you. You talked about Chevelle like she was real, but for me, she was still an idea until we had that last ultrasound. Then I started freaking about how I was going to be a dad.”
Adjusting in the chair, Bonn looks ready to bolt. We’re both ready to end this dinner and go our separate ways. Fleeing would be easier, but we keep our asses planted where they are.
“I didn’t know how to be a father. I never had one. Neither did you. None of my friends had fathers around. I’d grown up without seeing how men were supposed to be with their kids. Even the twins didn’t have a healthy relationship with their dad. How was I going to do a good job? No, not even good. How would I keep from doing a shitty job with our kid when I didn’t know what a good job looked like?”
Bonn sits up and again looks ready to leave.
“I didn’t know what to do. Chevelle was coming any day, and I felt trapped and scared, and I was fucking losing it. The one person I normally talked to about stuff was the one person I couldn’t tell how scared I was.”
“I’d have listened.”
“You were about to give birth, and you were scared, and I knew you’d think I was a fucking baby for whining.”
“I wouldn’t have thought that.”
“I couldn’t think straight. I needed space and to clear my head. I heard about that party, and I went and thought about how much I’d missed out on. I never partied. I never drank or dated anyone except you. I had stupid ideas in my head that made no sense the next day.”
Bonn leans back in his chair and shakes his head. “Like I couldn’t see how I never partied because I didn’t like partying. And I never drank because I’d seen how booze fucked with people. Or how I never dated anyone else because I’d never wanted anyone else. That night, I couldn’t think straight. I could only think about how my dad didn’t give a shit about his kids. How his dad hadn’t given a shit about his kids. How I came from a long line of bad fathers and what if that crap was genetic and no matter what I did I’d end up a bad father? I knew you’d stop loving me if I did wrong by Chevelle. I’d end up losing everything. So, I went to that party, looking for a distraction from my fear and ended up losing everything anyway.”
“Not everything,” I mutter, hating to feel anything besides resentment toward him.
“Sure felt like it.”
“Don’t be so dramatic.”
“You were my best friend.”
“We barely spoke,” I lie.
Bonn gives me a tiny smile. “You were also my lover, and my hand never picked up your skills.”
“Well, I don’t know what to say. Your hands were never lazy with me. Possibly, they were mad at you too,” I say, not wanting to find humor in the situation but enjoying the idea of Bonn suffering without me.
“No doubt. I lost their access to your body.”
Sighing, I cross my arms. “We should stop kidding around before we pretend to be happier than we are.”
“I’m not even a little happy.”
“Me either. I’ve never felt more miserable.”
Bonn studies my face. “I didn’t think it was possible, but you grew up to be more beautiful than I could have dreamed.”
“I was grown up back then.”
“Not really.”
“Just because you felt like a kid, doesn’t mean I did too.”
“Don’t tell me you weren’t scared out of your mind when you had Chevelle. That you didn’t need your mom at your side to make you feel safe.”
“I’m sure a lot of women feel like that with their first kid,” I grumble, not giving an inch.
“Wouldn’t know about that.”
“So, after freaking out about being a dad, you figured it out fine anyway.”
Bonn runs a hand through his dark hair, momentarily distracting me from my irritation. For a second, I recall how much I loved playing with his hair in bed. Refusing those thoughts, I wait for Bonn to say something. He watches me for nearly a minute as if knowing where my mind went.
“I thought fatherhood was hard, and some people weren’t suited for it. But it’s not. Being a father, a good one, I mean, is about making a choice. Do I choose to focus on the baby or the football game? Do I spend my extra cash on my kid or myself?”
“And you figured that out when?”
“When I first held Chevelle,” he says, smiling easily at the memory. “She was bigger than I imagined. Like the entire time you were pregnant, I imagined like a tiny kitten-sized baby. I didn’t know how I would hold something so small. I saw myself dropping her when she squirmed. Then I saw her, and she wasn’t that tiny. She didn’t squirm the first few times I held her either. She mainly slept, so that made her seem harmless.”
I can’t help smiling behind my hand at the thought of him fearing a defenseless baby.
“I was still scared about when she cried. I remember the first time I had her alone with me for a few hours and I knew she was going to cry. I kept waiting for her to wake up and wail and I didn’t know what the hell I would do.”
“What did you do?”
“I went through the checklist your mom gave us when you were pregnant. I changed Chevelle’s diaper. I fed her next. I burped her. When she was still upset, I carried her around like a football so she’d have pressure on her stomach. That was the magic move right there.”
“Yeah, Elle had horrible reflux.”
“After I survived her crying and puking and a cataclysmic diarrhea run, I figured the rest would be easy. Of course, they change their tricks as they get older, but I wasn’t scared anymore.”
“Just imagine how much easier it would have been if we did it together,” I say, hiding none of my resentment.
“I imagine that daily.”
Studying him, I don’t know what I feel anymore. “It was a mistake to start this conversation.”
“It was going to happen eventually, so why not tonight?”
“Where can the conversation go after it’s been focused on Kim’s bony hips and Elle’s dirty diapers?”
“We talk about normal things. Or we can return to discussing my one night with Kim. As long as you’re sitting across from me, I’m happy.”
“You have small dreams.”
“Not really, but that’s for another day.”
“No, tell me now.”
Bonn is saved by the waitress bringing our overcooked food. She doesn’t ask if we need anything before hurrying away to ignore her two other customers.
“This place sucks,” I mutter, feeling hollowed out.
“Want to go somewhere else?”
Shaking my head, I sigh. “At least, it’s quiet here.”
After struggling to cut my chicken,
I stick my fork in it and eat it like a Shish Kabob.
“I’ve had worse,” I say, gnawing at the meat.
Giving me one of his brilliant smiles, Bonn does the same with his steak. Sensing our waitress isn’t coming back, we steal a ketchup bottle from another table. When we need refills, Bonn walks to the kitchen and requests the chef stop burning food long enough to fill our glasses. The entire dinner is a train wreck. Between talking about Kim and the shitty food, I should hate every minute. Instead, my face soon hurts from smiling so much.
Fifteen - Bonn
As we return to Lush Gardens, Ruby fights to wear a frown like when I picked her up. Since her face won’t cooperate, she covers her mouth the entire ride. Whether it was hashing out ugly shit or making the best out of a crap meal, Ruby’s entire demeanor is lighter now.
Well, just until we stand outside her trailer and my fingers dance across her cheek. Ruby’s gaze hardens first, followed almost immediately by the irritation spreading over her entire face.
“I’m gonna kiss you,” I say.
“No, you’re not.”
“It’s gonna happen.”
“No,” she growls, yet makes no move to flee into her trailer.
“I’ve wanted to kiss you for so long,” I say, cupping her soft cheeks. “Now you’re standing here looking like the most kissable thing to ever exist. How do I say no to such temptation?”
“You try really, really, really hard.”
“I remember when I first kissed you. I was such a frigging loser,” I murmur as my thumb caresses her pouting lower lip. “I couldn’t stop worrying about our teeth mashing together and knew you’d dump me if I knocked out your front tooth.”
“You were such a loser,” Ruby whispers, staring at me as if hypnotized. “I have every right to not forgive you.”
“Forgiveness is for suckers and fools, and you’re neither.”
Despite my words and her nod, Ruby wants to forgive me. She dreams of something more. That’s why she lets me kiss her.
I shouldn’t dare to ask for more than a taste. I ought to control myself, but her flavor stirs up a million memories.
Long ago, I kissed this woman until we were out of breath yet hungry for more. How can I stop when faced with someone so addictive?
Ruby’s hands get tangled in my shirt, forcing me closer. My fingers grip her cheeks, fighting the urge to explore her soft, dark hair.
My tongue meets hers, and she tastes too addictive. Wrapping her against me, I deepen the kiss. I need more. I hunger for everything that is Ruby.
“Knock it off,” Ruby demands and shoves me away.
Despite her words and frown, I know she wants more too. Her eyes devour me, remembering what happens when our bodies come together.
“Sorry, but you look great in green.”
Ruby angrily wipes her mouth. “We had dinner and made peace. Now we can co-parent. Nothing more than that.”
“I’m going to win you back,” I say, stating a fact.
“No, you aren’t.”
“I’ll sweep you off your feet, and you’ll forgive me because I’m so damn charming.”
“How do you plan on doing that?” she asks, fumbling with her keys.
“It’s a secret.”
A trembling Ruby struggles to hide her smile. “You’re making a mess of what should be a simple co-parenting plan.”
“I already co-parent with you,” I murmur, reaching out to touch her throat. “Now I want to share a bed with you. I miss watching you sleep. And listening to you sing when you take a shower. I want to see you fight the urge to eat an entire pint of Häagen-Dazs. I want to watch bad TV with you and complain about how no one makes good music anymore.”
Ruby stops trying to find her keys and stares at her door for a moment.
“You hate me right now,” I say, softening my voice to almost a whisper. “But I want everything with you, and I won’t give up until I have it.”
Ruby turns her gaze toward me, and I can’t tell what she’s thinking. Are my words romantic or ridiculous?
“I have laundry to do,” she finally says. “If I see you tomorrow at your place, so be it.”
Locating her keys, Ruby can’t take her eyes off me. I hold her gaze while she fumbles her way into the trailer. She shuts her door on me without saying another word.
I stand outside, waiting for her to peek out the curtains. First, she must argue with herself about not looking. Smiling at the thought of the internal conversation she must be having, I wait and then wait a little bit longer.
Finally, Ruby appears at the curtains, realizes I’m still standing there, and frowns, flustered at my presence. I give her a little wave before walking away. Ruby can’t help watching me go and wonder what could have been. Especially not when she still tastes me on her lips.
Sixteen - Ruby
I can hear Sally, Betty, and Charlie partying on the other side of the pond. They’re enjoying mojitos and blackjack while I swing on the park’s playset with Daisy and Harmony.
Elle and a local girl play dolls nearby. Not far away, Keanu jumps around, trying to catch bubbles that Charlie’s husband, Billy, blows for the boy.
I hear my mom burst into laughter in the courtyard. Soon, Betty and Charlie hoot and holler. I don’t know who won the poker game, but they’re having a blast. With enough mojitos, those women will turn any occasion into a party.
“Bonn has it in his head for us to get back together,” I say, rather than announcing I can barely sit after masturbating like a rabid sex-fiend all night to get over a single super-hot kiss.
“No duh,” Daisy says from the swing to my right. “He’s been pulling the love-struck act for a long time. About time he made an actual move.”
“I don’t know how I feel.”
“You still care about him,” Harmony says, digging her bare toes into the soft dirt under the swings. “A part of you has waited for him to man up and reclaim you.”
“I don’t know if I want to be reclaimed.”
“You’re angry at him, but you still want him,” Harmony says, pointing out the obvious. “You should do a pro and con list to see if he’s worth giving another chance.”
“Okay, who wants to keep track of the pros?” I ask while they pull out their phones.
“I’ll do pros,” Daisy says. “I’m all about love and commitment and bowing to the will of a man’s needs.”
“Yes, we’ve noticed that.”
Daisy bats her eyes. “I lost my self-control, and now I need everyone else to be doomed to love like me.”
“You’re a virus desperate to infect,” Harmony whispers. “Stay away from me.”
“You love love.”
“I do, but I don’t want to be stupid in love. I’d like to be moderate intelligence in love.”
“Lame. Okay, so, let’s start with the pros,” Daisy says.
“He’s Elle’s dad.”
“He was your first love,” Harmony adds.
Daisy nods. “He is really hot.”
“He has good hygiene and keeps his place clean,” I add, thinking about his pristine condo.
“If he’s anal about that,” Harmony says, “you might want to put it down as a con.”
“He’s normal about it. I guess, but I don’t know. I mean, I don’t know him anymore. He’s a stranger. Maybe this was a bad idea.”
“Moving on,” Daisy says. “He is a good father and works hard to make Elle happy. I’d assume he’d do the same for you.”
Harmony smiles. “He used to be romantic too.”
“Until he fucked someone else,” I remind them.
“Yes, fucking someone else should definitely be on the con list.”
“But he only fucked someone else once.”
“Or so he claims,” I mutter.
“Why lie all these years?”
“To make himself look good and make me look like the bitter bitch who hated him for one mistake.”
“But Camden claims Bonn neve
r screwed anyone else. Why would Bonn lie to Camden? You know men think so long without sex means his dick is defective.”
“Maybe Camden lied to you to protect Bonn.”
“Camden never lies to me,” Daisy cries, horrified by the very thought.
We stare at her until she shrugs. “He doesn’t share club business, which is fair. I don’t tell him personal things about the students I work with. We keep our work lives separate like so many other couples. We’re so very normal that way.”
I glance at Harmony who rolls her eyes.
“Moving on,” I sigh. “Okay, let’s say he only cheated once.”
“A lot of women would have forgiven him for one major screw-up,” Harmony says. “Plenty of girls stay with cheaters.”
“I refuse to swap fluids with other women. He’s either mine or screw him to hell.”
Harmony pats my knee. “And he knows that now.”
“But what happens if we get back together and I gain weight again? You know how I chow down on Häagen-Dazs in the winter and pack on extra pounds on my hips. Will the sight of me chunkier lead his dick to another girl?”
“Well, you said his freak out was because he was scared of being a dad, not because you were wonderfully round,” Harmony says, and I smile at her wording. “Bonn knows how to be a dad now. He wouldn’t freak out about another kid. Of course, maybe he lied about why he cheated.”
“Maybe.”
“Or,” Daisy says, loudly interrupting, “maybe he finally got honest because you pushed for the truth. When he cheated, you shut down and kicked him to the curb. He never had to answer the questions before. I believe we should give Bonn the benefit of the doubt.”
“You just want to double date,” Harmony points out.
“Yes, but you just want her to stay so you’ll have an alone buddy.”
“I would never want Ruby to suffer just to make my life better.”
“You’re so full of it.”
“So are you, but I was nice enough not to point fingers.”
My sisters stand up and eye one another.
“Shut up, hippy,” Daisy growls.