The Scars Keeper

by Scarlet Wolfe

  “That’s why I’ve been afraid to commit to college. I didn’t want to tell you I’d move with you and then have to go back on my word.”

  Taking hold of her chin, I turn her head toward me. “Baby, of course I want to be there with you. I can hardly go a damn day without seeing you. It’s kind of freakin’ the shit out of me.”

  She finally smiles and shifts to face me.

  “I’m sorry. I should’ve told you about today, but you’re always doing so much for me. I wanted to surprise you with something.”

  She’s too damn sweet and perfect for me. I’m staying in Indiana and attending this college with her.

  Slamming my lips to hers, I kiss her hard, and she opens her sweet mouth for me, allowing me to capture her tongue. Her fingers slither through my hair, and I reach over to squeeze her waist.

  The more I smell her strawberry scent and taste her blazing mouth, I can’t ease up, and she doesn’t seem to mind.

  I’m showing her I’m sorry and grateful and horny as hell. Shit, I have to stop before I do claim her in this car. Yanking free, I move away from her to find some restraint.

  “That was hot,” she whispers.

  “Get back on the road, Trouble. Let’s go check out this college we’re attending.” I smile without looking her way, and with a squeal, she leans over to kiss my cheek.

  “I actually have a cousin who attends IU,” I say. Slouching, Avery scrunches her nose.

  “OK, don’t get mad at me again, but Wayne gave me her number, so I called her and we’re having lunch with her. It was another surprise.”

  I shake my head and smile.

  “That’s OK. I want you to meet her.”

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Avery

  We’re seated at a table, waiting for Cynthia to arrive at a restaurant in Bloomington. I’m hiding it well from Hayden, but I’m still shaken up by what happened on the ride here.

  I can’t shake the feeling he’s going to disappear, but he did finally say he’s attending IU with me.

  It’s funny how I wasn’t all that upset that Blake and I wouldn’t be going to the same university, but it’s far different with Hayden.

  I already can’t picture my life without him, and I’d be devastated if he left. If he would open up to me about his past, maybe I could give him some insight or ease his mind about his decision. At the least, I’d know what I’m up against.

  I almost asked him why it’s fine for his father to make such a monumental decision for him yet not OK for my parents to do the same for me, but I worried it would lead to another argument where he says he can’t tell me something.

  I’m losing my patience with his indecisiveness and secrets, so this is it. If he changes his mind again, I have to find the strength to walk away.

  Ugh, the tightness in my chest over the thought of that is instantaneous. Lord, I pray his cousin can convince him this is the place for him to be.

  A girl enters the restaurant, and Hayden jumps from his seat to greet her at the door. He wraps her in his arms and gives her a kiss on the cheek. Her feet practically come off the ground.

  It makes me snicker because on the outside, Hayden looks like the last person who’d be open to showing this kind of affection, especially in public. He must be fond of her.

  Strolling over, they both smile at me.

  “Baby, this is Cynthia. Cynthia, my girlfriend, Avery.”

  I stand to shake her hand, but she pulls me in for a hug.

  “We already spoke on the phone, but it’s so nice to meet you in person,” she says in a chipper voice. Hayden sits back down next to me, and Cynthia sits across from him.

  Her hair is light brown, much like Jewel’s, and is shoulder length. She’s shorter than her but has the same pretty long neck. Her eyes are a unique copper color like her mom’s, too.

  She reaches over and squeezes Hayden’s hands that are resting on the table.

  “I cannot describe how excited I was when Avery told me you two were coming. I can’t wait to show you around campus and introduce you to some of my friends. It’s a great university. I think you both will love it.

  “I have to admit, I was surprised you changed your mind about attending here. I was sure you’d try to stay working for my dad.”

  “That’s what I thought, but this girl changed my mind.” He take a glimpse at me and smiles. “I guess it’d be good for me to get a degree in case Wayne does insist I take over his business someday. The manual labor I can handle, but I don’t know crap about the rest.”

  She claps her hands fast in front of her. Man, is this girl lively.

  “Oh, my last two years will be a blast with the both of you here.”

  We order lunch, and Cynthia goes on and on about IU. She’s in a sorority and insists I join it, too. I find out the two of them have grown much closer since Hayden moved here.

  She was home for a couple of months last summer and returns on holidays, too. She and Hayden don’t favor each other all that much, so it leads me to suspect he takes after his father.

  Once he pays for lunch, we leave my car at the restaurant and ride with Cynthia to various parts of the campus. As we wander around, it feels like home, and it’s probably because I’m desperate to escape my own.

  Hayden seldom lets go of my hand and even squeezes it tighter when we meet a few of Cynthia’s male friends who check me out.

  He doesn’t seem uncomfortable as his cousin speaks often about the three of us spending time together next year.

  A few times he even asks her questions and talks in future tense about us being students. I believe he really plans for us to attend here together, and it’s the biggest weight off my shoulders.

  ***

  It’s Monday, and during a study break in fifth period, I go up to my teacher’s desk. Carrying the two journals I bought yesterday, I make an excuse that I need a book from the library, so he gives me a hall pass.

  I hurry there and stroll down the aisles of books, looking for the perfect spot to plant the journals I purchased for students to write their secrets in.

  It’s my social experiment for sociology; the project that makes up one-third of my grade. I got the idea after we read our poems in class. My goal is to show how we’re more alike than we think and how we shouldn’t stereotype.

  Although our secrets are different, each one unique, we all still have them. We’re dealing with the pressures to fit in and to make good grades.

  I imagine we all have some sort of trouble away from school, too. We have relationship problems and insecurities, but we also have some good things going for us.

  So, I bought these journals, and today I’m handing out papers to random students that read “what are your secrets? Do you wish to know your peers’ secrets, too?

  “Find one of the two red journals in the autobiography and poetry sections of the library, and anonymously confess whatever it is you wish others knew about you.

  “Write about the REAL you! Then, feel free to read the other admissions. See how different yet the same we truly are. Out of respect for privacy, PLEASE do not name others in your confessions.

  “Also, be considerate and return the journals to their spot as soon as you’re finished so others have a chance to write in them before the end of the school year. Thank you!”

  I slide the red journals into their spots and sigh. I’m going to confess about my cutting but not until there are some other confessions. Since I’m handing out the instructions, it’d be too easy for someone to guess the first one is mine.

  I’m nervous, hoping everyone follows the rules and no one steals them. This could be epic or a total fail. Time will tell.

  Chapter Thirty

  Three Weeks Later

  Avery

  “Guess what!” I say excitedly to Hayden at his locker.

  He laughs. “What?”

  “Madison finally got her hands on one of the journals. She said it’s almost full. She’s taking it home to read the confess
ions and write her own. Then, she’s going to give it to me tomorrow since I can never time it right to grab one.”

  “That’s great, baby. I’m glad no one stole them. It’s cool you did this.”

  “I only thought of it because you were sweet and gave me a journal. Having Dad back on my case again, and losing my last tennis match, I needed this kind of news today. I need to feel like I’m good at something.”

  Hayden frowns. “You’re perfect. I’ve told you to stop sayin’ stuff like that.”

  As a thank you, I give him a kiss on the cheek.

  “I don’t know why, but I got a message in last period that Mrs. Farmer wants to see me after school. I have a lot of studying tonight that my dad will demand proof of, so if it’s OK with you, I’ll text you before bed.”

  “Since the weather’s nice, I’m working with Wayne this evening, anyway.” He kisses my lips softly. “But we’ll be together Saturday for prom, which I still can’t believe I agreed to, and then Sunday you’re all mine, right?”

  “Of course, and I’ll repay you then for being my sexy prom date. I’ve already been thinking of things to fix for our picnic.”

  Ducking his head, he drags my earlobe between his teeth and I shiver.

  “I think Appendix B said something about third base activities. I think it’s time,” he whispers afterward.

  I suck in a breath as he pulls back.

  “I agree. I’m eager to get through the handbook.” Tilting my eyes up at him, I give a seductive look, and he groans.

  “Sunday can’t come fast enough.” Another soft kiss is planted on my lips before he walks away. I take a deep breath and try to relax the muscles clenching between my thighs before I head to the office to talk to the guidance counselor.

  Once the secretary checks with Mrs. Farmer, she sends me down the hallway to the left.

  I peek my head in her office, and say, “Hi.”

  “Avery, please come in.”

  Taking a seat, I cross my legs.

  “Is something wrong?” I ask.

  Once she removes her reading glasses that are tucked under her blond hair, she takes a sip of something from a mug on her desk and leans back in her chair.

  “It’s about your suspension. I didn’t want to say anything a few weeks ago, since it was obvious that you were having some problems, but I can’t wait any longer.

  “Your three day suspension is going in your permanent file, which means when we send your final transcripts to Indiana University, I have to disclose it.”

  “Does this mean I could lose my scholarship?”

  “The small academic ones you were awarded, I believe you’ll still be eligible for, but the full athletic scholarship to IU could be another story.

  “I’m going to make a call to someone who will have a better idea. I felt I should inform you now so you won’t be blindsided if you have to pay for some of your college tuition.”

  “OK. If there is anything I can do at all to help, please let me know. I can write a letter or an essay. I’ll do another interview with them. I’ll do anything to keep my scholarship.”

  The tears roll over my irises.

  “Avery, if you’re still having problems of some kind, I’m here for you to talk to.” She smirks. “I do have ‘counselor’ in my title, so you can confide in me.”

  “Thank you, Mrs. Farmer. I should get back to class.”

  The humming in my ears is heavy and loud, so I cover them as I walk down the hallway to class. My vision is blurry, head dizzy, and I can’t stop my tears.

  If I don’t get the athletic scholarship to IU, I might have to attend UofL so my parents will pay for my tuition.

  This means I have to stay under their roof, too, and then what would happen between Hayden and me? Would he go to IU without me?

  Feeling ill, I turn and go back to the office to sign out for the day. I can’t see Hayden again or my friends. I need to be alone to release this pain and anxiety.

  ***

  Lying on my bed in my robe, I weep. I did it. I cut again in the shower. One short cut and my blood spilling triggered the familiar all-consuming exhale of relief.

  I was desperate for it since every moment I’m swallowed up by anxiety and panic, I’m holding my breath.

  Now, I feel shame and guilt. It’s been a long time since I’ve done it, and I’m not sure what came over me. I guess it was from the fear of changing my future plans for college and the way Dad’s been talking down to me again.

  Loneliness, too.

  Being with Hayden has been wonderful for my mood, and has given me hope, but my anxiety still overwhelms me, and he doesn’t comprehend the seriousness of it.

  Whereas, the blade feels like an understanding friend. It’s my safety net, my fallback and my release. It gets how crippling the panic and worry is for me.

  However, afterward it feels like shame swats my hand with a ruler to drop the blade. It tells me how disappointed it is in me and that I should feel guilty and remorseful, which I do each and every time.

  God, I have to tell Hayden, especially since he’s seeing intimate parts of my body now, but he’ll be disappointed in me, too.

  I can’t bear the thought of that, so my tears flow and flow down my cheeks to the comforter, and in this big empty house, I feel alone once again.

  Hayden

  After scarfing down dinner and showering, I head to my room. Avery texted me at school and said she was sick and going home, so I’m eager to hear from her to know she’s doing OK.

  Stretching out on my bed with my textbooks and notebooks, I do my easy homework. I get bored with school. It isn’t challenging enough for me.

  In Arizona, I would conceal how smart I was by not speaking up in class and by hiding my grades when papers were handed back by the teachers.

  My cousin Ricky, and most of my friends there, didn’t do all that good in school, so to fit in, I’d try to seem the same.

  In hindsight, that was stupid. I’m older and more mature now, and I don’t care if anyone figures out I have a brain.

  My phone buzzes next to me from a text message.

  Avery: I’m sorry.

  Me: For what?

  Avery: For doing something stupid.

  Me: Baby, what did you do??

  Avery: I cut.

  I don’t reply. Instead, I sit up at the side of the bed and swallow, feeling my heart rate soar. Why did she suddenly do this?

  This can’t have anything to do with me. Everything seems perfect between us, but it’s like I’ve been punched in the gut. It somehow feels like I’m not enough.

  My phone buzzes again, so I reach behind me and pick it up.

  Avery: Please … say something. I feel terrible.

  Me: I don’t want you to feel terrible, but I don’t know what else to say. This stings. Am I not making you happy?

  Avery: Of course you make me happy. It’s not about us. It’s about my anxiety and how I feel like I’m failing.

  Mrs. Farmer claims I might lose my scholarship to IU because of my fight. I don’t know what that means, but it could be bad.

  I can’t pay for my tuition, so if my parents have to pay, they’ll force me to go to UofL. I couldn’t take that. Again, I’m sorry. I did it before thinking it through.

  Me: I need to crash. I’m tired from working.

  Avery: Please don’t be mad at me.

  Me: I’m not mad. Somehow I’m … hurt.

  Avery

  I’m standing at my locker when someone grabs my arm and turns me, bringing me to their chest. As soon as I smell the outdoorsy, citrusy scent, I know it’s Hayden.

  Hugging me snugly, he presses faint kisses to the top of my head. He doesn’t let me go, and it’s as if we’re the only ones in the hallway at school.

  While I’m trying to fathom how he can be this amazing, I squeeze him tighter to show my appreciation. Reluctantly, I pull back and gaze up at him.

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper.

  “No, I am.
I did more research last night, and I know this has nothing to do with how you feel about me. We’re going to beat this … together.”

  “Beat what together?” Madison asks as she strolls up.

  “Uh, physics,” I reply as more of a question.

  She tilts her head to the side.

  “Yeah, right, but you don’t have to tell me. You two can have your little secrets. Keegan and I have our own, if you know what I mean.” Wiggling her eyebrows, she grins and looks to Hayden next. “We should all hang out after prom Saturday night.”

  I shake my head. “I don’t think Keegan would do that because of Blake.”

  “About Blake … Carrie wanted me to tell you they’re going to prom together. Actually, I think there’s more to it than that, and she’s just afraid to tell you.”

  “Wow, really? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I’ve caught them flirting before, and well, we all know another reason he’d be impressed by her resume. She has loads of experience with a few particular skills,” I mumble.

  Madison swats my arm.

  “You’re bad, girl. I guess she’s going to UofL, so they’re giving it a try.”

  “You can tell her I’m not mad.”

  “Cool. So, are the four of us going out Saturday or what?”

  I glance up at Hayden. “What do you think?”

  “If Keegan doesn’t mind, I’m down.”

  “Cool beans.” She holds up the confession journal she had taken home. “Oh, here. I came to give you this. There is some juicy stuff in here, and I wish I knew who wrote each one.”

  I take it from her. “I’ll catch you two later,” the bubbly girl adds before smacking a kiss to my cheek and darting off.

  “Thank you for that,” I say to Hayden.

  “Hey, you spent time with Joey; it’s only fair I do the same with your friends. Maybe I’ll be surprised, and we’ll have something in common.”

  “Maybe you will.” I flip the pages of the journal. “I can’t wait to dig into this and see if anyone else’s secrets are like mine, but I guess for now I have to go look at stupid Mr. Bradford.”