With Apologies to Joe

by Gavin Smith

  “Fuck!” Buck screamed as the bike disappeared into the smoke and fire. Gibby drove the Mercury into the firestorm after him.

  * * *

  The countermeasures were spent but Joe was pretty sure that they didn’t have any more missiles. Some of the Laa-Laas had made it through, battering the car. Further damaging the armour. The shockwave lifting the heavy armoured vehicle off the road but he had ridden it out. He felt calm, calmer than he had felt since…

  * * *

  Joe emerged first followed by Nokker, then Jack, a terrified and slightly cooked Buck and then the Mercury appeared out of the smoke.

  “Gibby?” Buck said over the comms link.

  “Yes Buck,” Gibby answered through gritted teeth as he fed more alcohol to the engine, the Mercury increasing its speed, the independent suspension and smart tyres working with the road sensors to do what they could to smooth out the ride over rough road.

  “I wish I’d put my pants on,” Buck admitted.

  “Something on fire down there?” Gibby asked but instead of waiting for a reply, “You move out of the way and I’ve got a clean line of fire.”

  “I’m going to get in front of him,” Buck said. Why? Gibby wondered but Buck made his move. He accelerated past Jack and Nokker, as the railgun was switching between targets Buck swerved and tried to get round Joe’s car. Joe blocked him, Buck tried to get around the other way but Joe blocked him again. The next time Buck tried to get round, Jack made his move.

  Whilst Joe was blocking out Buck’s bike and trading shots with Squealer’s hovercraft, Jack edged out behind Nokker’s pickup, switched down gears and hit the gas and the Nitrous, which is another gas. Jack’s slick, light muscle car shot past Joe’s heavier car. Too late Joe saw what was happened and swerved to intercept. He just clipped the back of Jack’s car. The car slewed sideways and jumped but Gibby had to give Jack his credit, he held the car on the road. Buck used the distraction to shoot past Joe on the other side.

  Now the Commancheros had a car and a bike in front of Joe, maybe things would start going their way, Gibby thought. He had a clean line of fire. The twin autocannon mount on the Mercury slid out and Gibby instantly felt the drag as he opened fire and in return felt railgun rounds begin to tear into his car’s armour.

  * * *

  Joe thought the biker in front of him had balls. Stupid but had balls. In fact he was pretty sure he could see them through the bikers flapping duster. The Biker would take but a moment to destroy, his more imminent problems were the vehicles with the heavier ordinance.

  The car that had passed him, the slick black number with the tinted windows, had a rapid firing heavy laser. Joe could hear the repeated bangs of superheated air particles exploding as the laser drew a red line to his car’s armour, cutting and burning through it.

  The pickup was still a problem as repeated chain gun rounds slowly battered away the armour on the rear of the car. The hovercraft was his biggest problem. The armour on the left hand side of the car was riddled, its integrity severely damaged. He also had another car behind him that was targeting him with twin cannons.

  Joe had the railgun switching between the Hovercraft, the pickup, the car in front and the car behind.

  * * *

  “Gibby!” Gentle Suzy shouted over the comms link.

  “What can I do for you Suzy?”

  “I’m not fast enough! I can’t get up there!” It might work Gibby thought. He hit the breaks. Black Zart’s passion wagon went shooting past as Gibby dropped back to Gentle Suzy’s trike. Further behind he could see Bearded Momma struggling to keep up in her truck.

  Suzy went past him and Gibby dropped in behind her and started adding speed. Very gently he touched the bumper of the Mercury against the back of her trike.

  “You’ve got me sugar,” the little Twist confirmed.

  “Hold on darling,” Gibby said and he hit the alcohol. The Mercury surged forward, the front wheel of the trike rose up and Gentle Suzy yelled in excitement over the comms link.

  The Mercury pushed the trike at speed closer and closer. Gentle Suzy managed to get the front wheel down. Nokker and Black Zart seeing what was about to happen made sure that she had a clear line of fire.

  Gentle Suzy fired the plasma gun.

  Joe didn’t even feel the impact. Suddenly red warning icons from the cars diagnostic sensors appeared all over his IVD as the rear part of his cars armour was eaten away by plasma in a superheated state.

  * * *

  Gentle Suzy and her trike disappeared in a ball of plasma fire. Everything Gibby saw around him was fire as he drove into the fireball. Warning icons appeared on his IVD as fire hot enough to burn in space partially melted and fused his armour. Gibby could feel the heat. He emerged from the fireball, the Mercury looked like a candle someone had taken a blowtorch to. There were still small pools of plasma fire on the armour.

  Gibby thanked whichever gods looked after munitions that the autocannon rounds hadn’t cooked off. But only one gun was working and the servo had melted so he could only fire straight ahead. Which he did, a lot, until Black Zart swerved into his line of fire.

  * * *

  Buck was not quite sure what he was doing but he was in front and nobody had shot at him yet. Which was all good. Less good was the chafing the wind was giving his testicles as he rode at speed. However, this was better than hot shrapnel and was the main reason he had overtaken Joe.

  His IVD was linked to the rear camera on the chopper. A small window in his IVD showed what was going on behind him. Black Zart had overtaken Nokker and was trying to get alongside Joe’s car. Joe was blocking him at every turn.

  Buck reached down and unclipped the semiautomatic shotgun and swung around, aiming the weapon one handed. Another window opened in his IVD to show him what was happening ahead, as the crosshair from the smartlink settled on the muscle car’s windscreen. He just had to distract the driver for a moment.

  * * *

  The .50 calibre saboted round hit the armoured glass on an angle to hit Joe in the head. It did not penetrate the armour but it got his attention for the second it needed. Black Zart’s van pulled up level with him.

  Joe decided that he was going to deal with the Biker sooner rather than later.

  * * *

  Buck continued firing at Joe’s windscreen until the shotgun ran dry. He turned back and clicked the shotgun back into its clips. Through the window in his IVD that showed the bike’s rear view he watched as Joe tried to bring the Retributor to bear on the van but could not quite get the angle. Next Joe tried to nudge the van into the Glades but the van was much heavier and would not budge.

  The door to the van slid back and the electromagnetic claw grabbed for and found purchase on Joe’s car, connecting the two vehicles. Buzzy was first out, the speed and crystal freak threw himself onto the roof of Joe’s car and started attacking the railgun with a hatchet. Crazy motherfucker, Buck thought.

  Naz appeared with a plasma torch and started cutting through the armour on the passenger door to Joe’s car. Then Buck saw what he would come to describe as the “god-damnedest” thing he had ever seen in his life.

  Buck watched as the Native American driver of the pursuit car dropped open the passenger window of his car and leant over, the wires connecting his plugs to the jack point in the car reeled out as he continued to drive the car via the link.

  The driver had a cut down semiautomatic shotgun with a pistol grip. He practically touched Naz’s face with it as he fired twice. Naz’s face ceased to exist in a cloud of blood, brain and hardened plastic.

  Moving with remarkable speed the driver then climbed out of his car, his wires now stretched to the point where the plugs must surely be close to being ripped out. The driver shot Black Zart in the back of his head as the van driver was reaching for his revolver.

  Buzzy swung at the wires connecting the driver to his car but before he hit the driver swung round and fired into Buzzy’s centre mass. The explosive solid shot caught
Buzzy in the chest. It did not kill him but it did knock him off the top of the car and onto the hood. Buzzy tried to hold on for dear life but slid under the wheels of the pursuit car. The weight of the armoured vehicle crushed him. Then Nokker ran him over. Then Gibby ran him over. Gibby at least felt bad about it.

  With Black Zart dead the van was out of control and the wheels turned towards the pursuit car. The driver steadied the vehicle though his link, fighting the van as it tried to push both speeding vehicles into the Glades.

  Joe flicked the off switch on the electromagnetic claw, the van started to slew even more. Joe dived through the window back into his car and triggered the breaks through his link. Zart’s van seemed to shoot forward and then turned over.

  Nokker went into the back of Joe’s car. The impact threw the prostrate Joe into his own windscreen. Fortunately Joe had had enough presence of mind to swerve his vehicle to avoid the still sliding van. Nokker however, ploughed straight into the van with enough force to crumple the front of his truck but he managed to keep it on the road.

  Gibby just managed to swerve past the Black Zart’s van, the rear of the partially melted Mercury clipping it and sending it spinning again. Some time later Bearded Momma just hit the van knocking it aside.

  “Fuck this!” Bearded Mamma spat. “Squealer ram him.”

  “Uh okay Mamma,” Squealer answered sounding slightly reluctant, but his quad cannon was almost out of ammo and that would leave him with little to do but watch.

  * * *

  Joe scrambled to get back into the bucket seat and buckle himself in. He managed it but by the time he had finished the hovercraft that had been flanking him in the glades was heading straight at him, its quad cannons further chewing at his armour, his audio dampeners just about reducing the sound down to a deafening, constant, thunderous roar.

  Joe targeted the hovercraft with the railgun and poured the fire on.

  * * *

  Squealer’s hovercraft had probably taken more hits than all the other vehicles put together. The railgun rounds finally penetrated the armour and cut Squealer in two. Squealer slumped forwards.

  * * *

  The hovercraft suddenly changed course. It mounted the sharp bank that lead to Route 27 and broad sided Nokker’s pickup. Gibby watched in horror as hovercraft and pickup went airborne in a collision of twisted, screaming metal. He braked slowing the car just enough so he did not hit the two vehicles as they tumbled into the glades. Then Gibby accelerated again.

  * * *

  Now to get that fucking biker, Joe thought.

  * * *

  Buck saw the railgun turn around to aim at his bike. He knew what was coming.

  * * *

  Joe fired the railgun. It fired a short burst and ran dry. He had been ignoring the warning icons on the ammo counter on his IVD.

  * * *

  Buck grabbed the Kalashnikov gauss carbine from its clip and threw himself backwards off the chopper as his pride and joy disintegrated in a hail of railgun fire beneath him.

  * * *

  Joe would have been surprised had he been capable of feeling anything other than rage when a cyberbilly landed on the hood of his car and bounced until his naked genitalia was pressed against the windscreen.

  * * *

  Buck was not sure how he managed to keep hold of the Kalashnikov but he had. Now he had to stay on the car. He pulled a boarding magnet from his gun belt and managed to activate it just before he slid off. Laser fire was hitting the muscle car all around him. Much of the car’s hood was burnt and pockmarked.

  “God damn it Jack! Don’t fucking fire the laser when I’m the hood ornament!” Buck screamed over the comms link.

  “Fuck you, you faggot,” Snake answered. As Buck rolled across the hood of Joe’s car he still had the presence of mind to decide that he and Rattlesnake Jack were going to be having a very serious talk in the highly unlikely event that he lived through the next few minutes.

  “Hold on Buck I’m coming!” Gibby shouted over the comms link.

  * * *

  Gibby downshifted, accelerated for all his worth as he added nitrous into the system. The Mercury surged forwards but Joe slewed the pursuit car in Gibby’s way blocking him out.

  * * *

  On the hood of Joe’s car Buck managed to pull himself into a kneeling position. Fuck it, it had worked once he thought. He aimed the Kalashnikov at Joe through the windscreen and pulled the trigger.

  * * *

  The sparks from constant ricochets obscured Joe’s forward view as the flashing lunatic on his bonnet fired into the windscreen at point blank range.

  * * *

  Buck prayed that the sparks would not set fire to his pubic hair.

  * * *

  Gibby saw his chance and pulled up alongside the muscle car. Buck switched off the boarding magnet and jumped.

  * * *

  Gibby watched Buck sail over his windscreen.

  * * *

  Buck hit the top of the Mercury and almost bounced off but he lashed out and triggered the magnet. It caught and Buck then found himself flailing about on the roof of the Mercury. Gibby opened the passenger door for Buck. Buck grabbed the doorframe, switched off the magnet and slid across the roof. He swung down until he was standing in the doorway, holding onto the speeding cars door for support with one hand.

  Gibby sideswiped the pursuit car. The much heavier Mercury knocked the lighter car towards the glades. Gibby sideswiped the pursuit car again, this time bouncing the lighter car into the glades. Gibby smiled, with not a little bit of satisfaction, as the pursuit car slid into the Glades in a shower of water. Gibby’s smile turned to a look of shock as Joe held the car, his tires somehow finding grip beneath the water. The pursuit car surged up the bank and back onto Route 27 behind the Mercury.

  Buck switched the selector on the Kalashnikov to the underslung grenade launcher through the weapon’s smartlink. He pulled the trigger four times rapidly firing the 30mm grenades into the pursuit car. Explosions played across the pitted and charred armour but it kept coming. Buck slid into the passenger seat next to Gibby, closing the door behind him.

  “Motherfucker drives like a Chimera,” he said as he began strapping himself in. The Chimera were disabled vehicle operators who were so hardwired into their vehicles that they lived in them.

  * * *

  In the pursuit car Joe was reloading his cut down shotgun.

  * * *

  Bearded Momma turned on the taps of her entire nitrous supply. The truck surged forwards so much that the front wheels came off the cracked asphalt surface of the road.

  “Box him in boys. Momma’s going to cop a feel,” she said over the comms link.

  * * *

  Gibby pulled the Mercury up next to Rattlesnake Jack’s car and glanced over at the Special Forces vet. Jack glanced back and nodded. Side by side, taking up the width of the blacktop both cars braked hard.

  * * *

  To Joe’s wired perspective it looked like the Mercury and the slick muscle car were suddenly coming straight at him. The pursuit car collided with the rear of Jack and Gibby’s vehicles. Both of the Commancheros continued breaking slowing the pursuit car down.

  * * *

  The pursuit car was losing more and more speed. Bearded Momma caught up. From either side of her truck the thick arms of the electromagnetic clamp swung out and gripped the pursuit car. Momma activated the magnet and then hit the brakes.

  * * *

  Joe watched through the rear view on his IVD as the front of the truck that gripped him seemed to split and an enormous circular saw rose up out of it and extended forwards. He heard and felt the saw as it began to cut through the armour. He knew it was over. He didn’t know if it was enough.

  * * *

  The four vehicles were still slowing down as smoke poured from the brakes of three of them. Joe opened his door and climbed out of his car. Sparks flew from the circular saw as it cut through his roof. Joe climbed onto the roof next to
the saw and ran from his car and onto Momma’s truck. As he did, he drew his shotgun. Only his boosted reflexes allowed him to make it.

  * * *

  “Momma he’s trying for the truck!” Gibby warned over the comms.

  “I’ve got him,” Jack replied. Jack jigged his car left and braked coming level with Momma’s truck, his smart linked laser searching for a target.

  * * *

  Joe ran up Momma’s truck, climbing towards her firing the shotgun repeatedly hitting her again and again. The explosive rounds eventually penetrating her armoured duster and her dermal armour. Joe reached Big Momma, grabbing for her as Jack fired a burst from the heavy laser, hitting both Joe and Momma.

  Momma died. Her last act was to break hard. Joe was flung forward towards the huge circular saw. You know the rest.

  * * *

  Momma’s truck, the pursuit car still attached, slewed left and hit Jack’s car. All three vehicles went into the glades and rolled, turning into a tumbling amalgamation of all three vehicles.

  Gibby skidded to a halt and watched in horror at the collision. After a while, when the cars had stopped tumbling, Gibby and Buck climbed out of the car and walked back down Route 27. They found the two separate halves of Joe.

  “Good driver,” Buck said. Gibby nodded.

  “Good car as well,” Gibby added. Buck nodded.

  “What do you think got him so riled?” Buck asked. Gibby turned and looked out to the wreckage in the Glades.

  * * *

  Buck and Gibby waded into the swamp. Buck had reclaimed his hat but his pants were still back at the roadhouse.

  “Careful an alligator don’t bite your pecker off,” Gibby warned.

  “It’d need a big ole’ mouth for that. It’s water moccasins I’m worried about.”

  “Yeah you wouldn’t want to get bit in your John Thomas.”

  “No more likely they’d mistake it for one of their own and want to have freaky snake sex with it.”

  Gibby was wondering what it was like on planet Buck when they got to the wreckage.

  Momma was still sat up on her throne. Her body was badly mangled but the truck had righted itself when it had come to rest. Gibby reached into his duster and pulled out a hip flask.