Sips & Strokes: Love wasn't part of the deal

by Sarah Skye

  A brief silence, and then, “Oh. Okay. Thanks for the warning.”

  “I’ll get there fast as I can,” I vow.

  “Okay.”

  When I run into the classroom, I’m only 20 minutes late. The students are all working on a still life of an apple which is sat on the dais. They all cheer when I appear, but Lily doesn’t smile.

  “Sorry, guys, I’m the worst.”

  They blow that off, but Lily says, “We’re already working on this, so if you’re busy today—”

  “Nonsense. Thrilled to add to the task. But let’s improvise, shall we?”

  I unbutton my shirt and hand it to her. Her cheeks flush when she recognizes the plaid, but she turns quickly and sets it on her desk while I go to the pedestal, kneel, and sink my teeth into the apple.

  Just as quickly, I yank the thing out of my mouth and laugh. “Hell, this is going to be a challenge. I promise to be as still as I can, just be sure to catch any drool that runs down my chin, right?”

  The class laughs before going quiet again. Papers rip and flutter to the floor as they begin their new images.

  Thank god this is only 20 minutes. By the end of it, my knees ache, drool and apple juice drizzle down my neck, and I’m considering it more than fair penance paid for running late. The students applaud and thank me even more energetically today while I grab a paper towel and clean up.

  Lily hasn’t said much, but the longer the quiet held the more I felt good about that. We do need to be professional here. This place has rules, and if I’m following hers about how we’re meant to ‘keep going’ as we like, then we should follow these, too.

  I hustle to fetch my shirt with long strides so I can beat her to the desk. She startles as I begin to button up, so I flash a casual smile. “So sorry again. Got caught up this morning, you know how it goes.”

  A shadow crosses her face, but she blinks rapidly and shrugs. Her attention goes to her backpack. A second later, she proffers my belt and says, “I don’t, but whatever. If you’re going to struggle to finish the term—”

  “Not at all.” My tone softens but is completely firm. I take the belt. “I love doing this and I swear it’s a priority. This morning was a fluke is all. Didn’t expect to be so tied up.”

  “Ropes or leather cuffs?” Her brow quirks sarcastically, but her voice doesn’t sell the joke.

  I laugh and shake my head. “Nope, plaid and tweeds, actually. Oak and Thistle are hiring me as a fashion model.”

  The light I’m used to seeing in her eyes flickers. Her lips curve slightly. “That’s great, Calder. Why didn’t you just tell me?”

  “Why would I?”

  Shit.

  Everything about her sort of… deflates. Her expression shutters even though she is clearly trying to hide it. “I-I don’t know, just… you said you were running late, but—I just meant…”

  “No, sorry, that came out shit. I only meant I didn’t know I got the job till this morning and it didn’t really matter, now did it? I was late. Excuses don’t change it, so I didn’t see a need to bother.”

  She bites her lip and nods. “I see your point.”

  She doesn’t, because there is no way in hell I’m telling her flat out that if we’re a fake relationship I’ve got to fight the impulse to share things with her. There’s no way it sounds rational or cool or breezy to tell her how bloody excited I am about this opportunity, how well it could pair with Sonce even if it is a small gig to start. My jobs, my life, are not necessary to share with her or anyone, really.

  And that. Fucking. Sucks.

  Sometimes.

  I flash another easy smile. “Quite right. Well, I best be off. Whisky next weekend, no events this coming one though, right?” Nod. “Expect you’ll be glad for a bit of time to catch up with yourself. Unless you wanted me to come over?”

  It sounds cheap, but hey. A bit of fun is never a bad idea, right?

  “No, thank you. I’ll see you next Thursday, I guess.”

  I swallow hard to keep the grin going. “Enjoy yourself, love. See you soon.”

  With every step out the door, I want to turn around and jog back to that desk, sit on it, and pull her between my legs to kiss her until all the chatter in my head shut the fuck up, just like it did in her bed last weekend.

  But I don’t. I go with it, just like I said I fucking would.

  16

  Lily

  I release my foot from the pedal of the potter’s wheel in my garage and focus on the clay pot I’m shaping. That’s as good as it’s gonna get.

  I sigh, then grab a wire and press gently on the pedal once more so that the wet clay spins slowly. Holding the wire taut, I drag it smoothly through the base of the pot, separating it from the wheel. Then I set it aside so it can dry.

  I hop up from my stool and wash up in the garage sink, my brain still a distracted mess. There’s no use in trying to pretend anymore. I’ve done that for the past few days. I need to at least acknowledge the reason for my state of mind: Calder.

  Once I’m mostly clean, I walk back into the house and into the kitchen and pour myself a glass of wine.

  All this week, ever since Calder ran screaming from my apartment the morning after we fooled around, he’s all I’ve been able to think about. The sad part is that I’m clearly not on his mind. That was more than obvious given the way that he barely looked at me after last week’s class.

  I guzzle the wine, my cheeks heating with embarrassment as I recall how hopeful I was when I saw him that day in class. I figured after I spent the last handful of days giving him space and not texting him, we’d at least go back to our fun and casual norm in the classroom. But that didn’t happen.

  I blink and recall how he waltzed in late and his entirely too casual attitude.

  I let out a breath, wishing that pain at the center of my chest would dissipate. I have no right to feel this hurt. Calder and I aren’t anything to each other. In fact, we’re less than nothing. Our setup is totally fake, and I shouldn’t be this upset by something that wasn’t even real.

  Those orgasms he gave you sure as hell felt real.

  I roll my eyes at my internal commentary as I pour myself another glass. My phone buzzes on the counter. It’s Morgan.

  I smile when I hear her let out a relieved sigh on the other end of the line after she says hello.

  “God, I miss you,” she says.

  “I miss you too. How are you holding up?”

  “Good overall. It’s tough being a caregiver, but I wouldn’t want anyone else taking care of my grandma, you know?”

  “Of course. Is she handling physical therapy okay?”

  “So far so good, thankfully. A hip and knee replacement are hell to recover from at her age, but she’s giving it all she’s got. I want to have her energy and stamina when I’m eighty-two years old.”

  I chuckle. “God, it feels good to laugh.”

  “What’s up? Everything okay?”

  “Not really.” I hesitate before saying more. Morgan knows nothing of what I’ve been up to with Calder. She’s been so busy with caring for her grandma that I didn’t want to bog her down with my petty problems.

  “Lily, what’s wrong?”

  “It’s so ridiculous.”

  “You always say that whenever something is bothering you, and it never is,” she says. “Besides, I’m your friend. You’re supposed to whine to me about whatever’s happening in your life, big and small.”

  I take a breath. “Okay. So you know Calder?”

  “Yeah…”

  “We’ve sort of had a thing going.”

  She gasps and squeals. I shush her, then give her a rundown of everything that’s happened so far, from our agreement to fake date for the wedding and his work events to what happened at apple picking to ending up in bed together—and to the cold shoulder he’s been giving me since then.

  “Damn. What a jerk.”

  “He honestly didn’t seem like the type,” I say, annoyed at how hurt I soun
d.

  “They never do,” Morgan says dismissively. “I mean, I only know him casually through work. It’s not like we’re even friends. But he always seemed like a genuine guy. God, I can’t believe he would use you like that.”

  “We were using each other, Morgan.”

  “Yeah, but you weren’t a dick to him. You communicated with him and you didn’t ice him out, like what he did to you. What a coward.”

  I sigh and rub my forehead. “I just...this was probably one of the least intelligent things I’ve ever done, getting involved with someone I work with. Now I’m going to have to see him during class and all the work and wedding events we have lined up.”

  “Lily, come on. Don’t tell me you’re going to go through all that and not even confront him about how he’s acting.”

  I bite my tongue to keep from admitting that yes, that’s exactly what I was planning to do.

  “You owe it to yourself to tell him exactly how you feel—how he made you feel. Honestly, I wouldn’t even want to go to whatever work crap he has lined up when he’s acted like you don’t even exist.”

  “I can’t just leave him hanging, Morgan. I promised him I would go.”

  “And he promised to be a decent human being to you, but he didn’t hold up his end of the bargain, did he?”

  I let out a weak laugh. “He never promised that.”

  “He didn’t need to. Being a quality person is an unspoken expectation.”

  There’s a quiet moment before Morgan starts up again.

  “Promise me that you will stand up for yourself, Lily. Promise me that you’ll tell him off for being a jerk to you.”

  Confrontation is my least favorite thing in the world. It’s why I’ve almost always gone along with what my parents expected of me my whole life. But even a pushover like me has limits. That’s why I dropped out of law school. That’s why I broke up with Marco. And that’s why I’m definitely confronting Calder the next time I see him.

  “I promise,” I say, the conviction clear in my voice.

  “That’s my girl,” Morgan says, the smile in her voice just as evident.

  When we hang up, I down the rest of my wine, and then take a hot shower. When I check my phone before bed, my eyes go wide. A text from Calder.

  Calder: Hey. Just a reminder that the Sonce people invited us to that whisky tasting this weekend. Pick you up at six?

  I clench my jaw at how casual his tone is. Like he’s completely forgotten that he’s barely spoken to me ever since sharing my bed.

  But I made a promise to him. I’ll attend the whisky tasting. But not before I set him straight. I quickly text my reply.

  Me: I’ll be ready.

  “You look really pretty,” Calder says from the driver’s seat of his car while staring straight ahead at the road.

  “Thanks.” I tug at the hem of the little black dress I opted to wear tonight, then readjust the belt of my trench coat. “You look nice too.”

  Nice is an understatement. In that light blue dress shirt unbuttoned at the top, sans tie, and that charcoal gray suit, Calder looks downright delicious. But that’s not the point. I mimic his stance of staring straight ahead at the road and take a slow, silent breath. No sense putting it off.

  I twist my head to him. “We should talk about—”

  My phone ringing cuts me off. When I see it’s Auntie Mayla calling, I answer it.

  “Hi, Auntie Mayla. How are you?”

  “Good, nakkong. How are you?”

  “Fine, just headed to dinner.”

  “Oh, sorry to interrupt.”

  “I always have time for you,” I say with a smile.

  “I just wanted to apologize for leaving the orchard without saying good-bye to you. Your mom and I got into a bit of a tiff, and I had to get out of there before I said anything I’d regret.”

  I let out a chuckle. “It’s really fine. Mom was being ridiculous with all her passive-aggressive comments to you.”

  She lets out a boom of a laugh. “I swear, Lily, you and I are soul mates. How did you ever come from your mom?”

  Still smiling, I shake my head, but then she quickly scolds herself. “I shouldn’t say that. Ading Marilyn and I may be as different as night and day, but we’re still sisters. And she’s still your mom. I’m sorry.”

  I soften at the regret in her tone. “It’s okay, Auntie. You two are sisters, and that’s a complicated bond.”

  “You’re telling me.”

  “But I know you love her. And just because you’re related to someone doesn’t mean that you’re going to automatically get along. But you always make things right with each other when you fight. That’s what matters.”

  “You’re so wise.” She clears her throat. “Now that that’s settled, tell me: how are things going with that very handsome boy of yours? I’m cursing myself for rushing off before I could meet him properly.”

  “Oh um…” I glance off to my side and observe Calder as he concentrates on the road. There’s a far-off look in his eyes, like his brain is somewhere else other than this car. I wonder if he even realizes I’m on the phone.

  “They’re uh…”

  “I see,” she says in her trademark knowing tone. “Well, I’m no relationship expert. My two divorces show that pretty clearly.”

  I let out a sympathetic laugh.

  “But whatever is going on between you two, I hope you work it out. From what I could see, you seemed to be pretty smitten with each other.”

  “We were. At least I was.”

  “Don’t let him take you for granted, anak. I don’t care how handsome or charming he is. You’re a catch. He’d be lucky to call you his.”

  With that, she says good-bye and we hang up. Calder pulls into the driveway of yet another opulent home.

  “How’s your aunt?” he asks.

  I turn to him, but he’s still gazing straight ahead, even though we’re parked now. “Fine.”

  When he climbs out of the car and walks over to my door and opens it, I’m crestfallen. I guess there’s no time for us to talk, which means we’re due for a very uncomfortable evening of pretending.

  He offers me his arm and leads me to the front door. But then something inside of me takes hold. I stop walking and tug him to a halt.

  He turns to me, frowning. “Everything alright?”

  “Nope.”

  Then I tug him by the arm to the far side of the building where hopefully no one can see us or hear us. With my hand on his chest, I push him up against the wall.

  Judging by the lift of his brow, he’s shocked at what I’ve done. But I don’t care.

  “What the hell has been up with you?” I ask.

  “Lily, what are you—”

  “Don’t pretend like you don’t know.”

  I step forward, eliminating the space between us, and huff out a breath. The crisp fall air turns it to mist, which fades into the air.

  “I told you what I wanted, Calder. That night after the hayride, I did exactly what you’ve been asking me to do this whole time we’ve known each other. And this is how you treat me?”

  I shake my head and glance away for a second, trying to keep my composure. My heart is beating so fast at the frustration and anger that’s been building up within me for the past two weeks.

  “Look, I didn’t expect you to go all lovey-dovey on me, but the way that you left the morning after we were together stung,” I say. “It was like you couldn’t get out of there fast enough. And then you ignored me. You don’t even call or text. And then we had the most awkward conversation we’ve ever had after class last Thursday.”

  He starts to speak, but I reach up and cover his mouth with my hand. Instantly I’m jolted back to the moment during the hayride when Calder had me on my back, his hand between my legs playing me like guitar, his other hand pressed over my mouth, muffling my sounds of pleasure.

  Tingles shoot across my body at just the memory. I swallow and drop my hand back to my side.

  �
�I’m not a fucking doormat, Calder. You don’t get to just ignore me and then use me whenever it’s convenient for you. I deserve to be treated better than that.”

  Despite the low tone of my voice to keep anyone from overhearing us, there’s no denying my conviction. I stare at him, refusing to blink. “And if that’s all that you’re willing to give me, then I sure as hell deserve better than you.”

  17

  Calder

  My eyes are about to fall out. My jaw is clenched against a flood of angry replies. But my heart is pounding because holy fuck is pissed-off Lily hot.

  Fury flashes in her dark eyes. That pursed-lip look that usually means she’s trying not to laugh is sour now, and the baser parts of me want to kiss her mouth until it’s soft and yielding to mine.

  But I’m a bit more evolved than all that.

  I narrow my eyes and cross my arms, careful to unclench my jaw just enough. Leaning down so we’re nearly nose-to-nose, I grit out, “You deserve to have exactly what you want, Professor, and if you’ve gone ahead and decided you’re too good for someone like me, well. You won’t be the first one to think so, nor the last I’d bet. But let’s get clear about one thing: I wasn’t the one doing the using.”

  An angry growl gurgles in her throat. “You asshole, are you seriously trying to shame me for doing exactly what you told me to? Do you think I’m in the habit of dragging guys back to my place and telling them to go down on me?”

  Her cheeks flush deeper, maybe with rage, but I’m very sure that hearing that mini recap of our night is the thing that’s got heat creeping up my neck. Still, I hold my ground.

  “Watch the name-calling, love. It’s a slippery slope into saying things you regret. And, not in the least. It was one of the hottest fucking things I’ve ever seen, the way you said exactly what you wanted all bloody night.” My voice gets raspier with every word. Just the memory of bold Lily telling me what to do to her...

  I clear my throat and continue. “But you set the rules to keep this a good time as long as it pleases us, and so I honored that just as I did every other one of your wishes. And now you’re calling me an asshole.”