Risking It All

by Nina Darnton

  “Jesus, Marcia. Even if you didn’t have time to cook, couldn’t you have called in an order by now? I just picked up a sandwich for lunch and I’m really hungry.”

  She walked to the drawer where they kept the menus and took a few out, handing them to him. He looked at her in surprise.

  “I’m sorry,” she said. “But it’s not like I do nothing all day. I’ve been busy. I’ve got two kids to take care of.”

  He ignored that and went in to the bedroom to change out of his suit. She looked out the window, hoping to see Danny returning. She called the doorman to see if maybe by some wild chance he’d come in and was just hanging out downstairs, afraid to come home. But he wasn’t anywhere. She knew she had to tell Jeff and they had to get help.

  She put Griffin in his crib, gave him his pacifier, sang him one verse of “Hush Little Baby,” and wound up his musical mobile. She dimmed the lights and walked out and, luckily, Griffin fell asleep quickly. Jeff had returned to the kitchen. He was on the phone and he put his hand over the mouthpiece as he called to her.

  “Do you want pizza? That would probably be the fastest.”

  “Sure,” she said. “Just plain cheese.” She waited for him to order and hang up. Then she said, “Jeff, Danny isn’t here.”

  Jeff was looking through the mail. He barely looked up. “Oh? Where is he?”

  “I don’t know. He’s gone. He wasn’t here when I got home from the park with Griff. I’m worried.”

  He had opened a letter and was glancing at it. “He’s probably at a friend’s house,” he said absentmindedly. “Did he leave a note or anything?”

  “No, Jeff. What friend’s house? He doesn’t have any friends. I think he was upset and he just left. Please put that letter down and listen to me. Danny is not here. It’s late and it’s getting dark out and I’m worried. I think we need to call the police.”

  Jeff looked up. “Shit. What now?” he said. “He probably got in trouble at school again. Maybe he got into another fight. Maybe he thought his teacher called us again and he’s afraid to come home. He’s probably wandering around working up his courage.”

  “For four hours? It’s almost seven. I’m going to call the police,” Marcia said.

  “Hold on. Maybe I should go out and look for him first. Maybe he’s hanging around nearby.”

  “You can try that but just for ten minutes. If you don’t find him, I’m going to get help.”

  “I’m going to kill that kid when I get hold of him,” Jeff said, putting on his coat.

  “Maybe if you didn’t talk like that, he wouldn’t run away,” she shouted after him. But she knew why Danny had run away. The door slammed.

  Griffin started to cry and Marcia went to him. He had lost his pacifier and she didn’t see it in the crib. Thinking he had thrown it over the edge, she glanced at the floor, then got on her hands and knees and felt under the crib, where she found it. She put it back in his mouth. He grabbed it greedily, sucking hard, and then more slowly as he settled back down. She tried to think where Danny might have gone but couldn’t come up with anywhere. There was their neighbor upstairs who was always friendly to him, she thought, but she couldn’t imagine Danny hiding out in her apartment. She considered that he might have a friend at school she didn’t know about. Maybe he lived nearby and Danny went over to his house. She hoped he had, he was such a lonely child. But she doubted it. If that had happened, wouldn’t the kid’s mother have called by now? She didn’t know how to follow up on that anyway; she wouldn’t have any idea who the kid might be or how to get in touch with him. But the police would know how to track him down, she thought. Time passed excruciatingly slowly as she waited for Jeff to return, worried, not really believing there was any chance he would find Danny.

  The phone rang and she ran to answer it, picking it up eagerly. But it wasn’t Jeff, it was the doorman, telling her the pizza was on its way upstairs. When it arrived, she dug into her bag for a tip and carried the box to the kitchen counter.

  She felt a little queasy and wondered if she might be hungry, so she opened the box and took out a piece of pizza. She took a bite. It made her feel worse, so she abandoned it. She sat at the kitchen table, then rose and walked around the apartment nervously. Where was Jeff? It was already way more than the ten minutes she had allotted to his search. She decided she wouldn’t wait for him anymore and was just about to pick up the phone to call the police when it rang sharply, startling her. It was the doorman, telling her that Danny and a policeman were on their way up.

  A policeman! She didn’t know whether to be relieved or alarmed. She managed to feel both, though the relief edged in first. He was okay, no one had hurt him, no one had kidnapped him. But the alarm followed soon after. Why a policeman? What had he done? And then the relief again—at least Jeff was still gone.

  The bell rang and, full of dread, she opened the door. Danny stood there, his head down, his eyes scrutinizing the floor as if something incredibly interesting was on it, refusing to look at her. Her heart turned over at the sight of him and she reached for him and tried to pull him close, to reassure him, but he wiggled away from her, his body tense. “It’s okay, Danny,” she said. “Whatever it was, it’s okay.”

  She invited the police officer in and asked him what had happened.

  “Nothing, ma’am. I just noticed this kid wandering around on Broadway around five o’clock and when I came back at seven he was still there. It was getting dark and I wondered if he was lost. I tried to ask him, but he ran away when I approached. So I just watched him for a while. He went into the Stop and Shop on Ninety-second Street and stayed a long time, so I went in after him.”

  Her dread increased. “Oh, I’m sorry. If he took something, please, let me pay for it, let me talk to him. He’s had a really rough time lately.”

  The policeman laughed. “No, ma’am. He didn’t take anything. That’s what I thought he might do, but he didn’t. He walked up and down the aisles like he was deciding what to get. Finally he bought himself a Snickers bar.”

  She looked confused. “Then I don’t understand. Why are you here?”

  “I realized he wasn’t going home and thought something might be wrong. He’s kind of young, but we get a lot of runaways so I asked him where he lived.”

  Marcia looked at Danny, who still hadn’t raised his eyes. “Danny, were you running away?” she asked softly.

  He didn’t answer.

  “Thank you for bringing him home, Officer,” Marcia said. “I’ll talk to him.” She turned to Danny. “Are you hungry? We have pizza.” He just shook his head. He stood around awkwardly, not seeming to know what was expected of him. Marcia said another thank-you to the policeman, who left, saying he was glad he could help. After closing the door, she turned to Danny again. “Listen, Danny, I think I know why you stayed away, but I didn’t tell Jeff about the kitchen. And it’s okay. I cleaned it up. Don’t mention it when you see him. I’ll tell him something to make it okay that you came home so late. Don’t worry about it.”

  He nodded without lifting his eyes from the floor. “Can I go to my room now?”

  “Sure. But are you sure you don’t want a piece of pizza?”

  “Yeah.” He walked to his room and closed the door.

  Marcia called Jeff’s cell phone. He picked it up on the second ring. “No luck,” he said.

  “He’s home. It was nothing. I forgot he told me he was doing homework with some kids in his class. Everything’s fine. I’m sorry,” she said.

  “Jesus, Marcia.” He hung up. An hour passed before he came home.

  She knew he was mad and assumed he was either walking it off or had stopped to get himself a better dinner. She walked to Danny’s room and paused outside his door, trying to think of the best approach. She knocked. He didn’t answer, so she opened the door a crack and asked if she could come in. He was sitting on his bed. He still didn’t answer but she pushed the door open and walked in. His eyes were red and he looked like he’d been crying
, but he got up when she entered and moved to his desk. She sat on his bed.

  “Danny, you’re not in trouble. I know how bad you feel. You must have been really angry to do what you did in the kitchen and it might help if we could talk about it.”

  He looked down and sniffled. He wiped his nose with his hand.

  “Do you want to tell me what happened?”

  “Nothing happened. I need to do my homework.”

  “Danny, something happened. Do you want to tell me why you did that to the kitchen?”

  His eyes filled with tears. “I don’t know,” he mumbled. He looked at her and lowered his voice even more, almost to a whisper. “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I don’t know what happened. Maybe there’s something wrong with me.”

  “I don’t think there’s anything serious wrong with you. But I do think you’re very unhappy. Sometimes people just flip and do something they wouldn’t ordinarily do. Sometimes, life is just too hard and they let go.”

  “Yeah,” he said. “Crazy people.”

  “You’re not crazy, Danny. Just very sad and very angry and we know why and we know you have a right to be. We’re going to find a way to help you, I promise. Do you talk about your feelings with your therapist?”

  He just shrugged.

  “Okay. That’s between you and him. But you know, we care about you, we’re responsible for you, and when you don’t come home and it’s getting late and dark, we worry about you. You have to think about us too. You need to come home where it’s safe.”

  “I didn’t think it would be safe,” he murmured, looking at the floor.

  “What?”

  “Nothing.”

  “It can be dangerous in New York City. Can you tell me where you were all day? What did you do?”

  “I didn’t do nothing,” he said. “I went to the park. Then I was looking for the market.”

  “What market?”

  “Like at home. The mercado. You saw it. I used to go there after school sometimes when Ma was late from work. She said it was okay. But I couldn’t find one. Not even a bodega. Everything’s different here.”

  Marcia knew exactly what he was referring to. She remembered how Danny used to go to the market to buy himself an empanada or a treat with his allowance, how he’d meet friends sometimes, or neighbors, and how he knew everyone. That’s all he was doing. Looking for something comforting and familiar. She understood how lonely he felt and her heart hurt for him. She reprimanded herself for not having thought to get some of the food he used to eat at home. “Please, Danny, come on out and get something to eat. A chocolate bar isn’t enough.”

  “I’m not hungry.”

  “I know. But eat something anyway. Please.”

  He took a deep breath and walked into the kitchen. Jeff had come in and was making himself a cup of tea. He nodded at Danny. “I was out looking for you,” he said.

  “I told him you were doing your homework with some kids in your class, but I had forgotten,” Marcia said, laughing. “There was nothing to be worried about after all.”

  “How did you get home from school?” Jeff asked.

  “On the bus,” Marcia said quickly. “He went to a kid’s apartment a few blocks away and then just walked home after.”

  “Well, did you get it all done?” Jeff asked Danny.

  Danny looked at Marcia.

  “I asked you a question,” Jeff said. “It’s polite to answer.”

  “Yeah,” Danny muttered.

  “He got it all done, Jeff. Now he’s going to eat something. Can I get something for you?”

  “No,” Jeff answered. “I grabbed a bite at the corner.”

  Danny finished his pizza and brought the plate to the sink. He looked at Marcia again.

  “Thanks, Danny,” she said. “You can go back to your room now if you want to.”

  He left and she turned to Jeff. “It’s so tense between you two. Can’t you try, Jeff?” The teakettle whistled and Jeff quickly picked it up and poured the boiling water into his cup.

  “I asked him if he finished his homework. You saw, he didn’t answer. What am I supposed to do?”

  “You’re supposed to act like you like him. What would you do if Griffin was that age and you came home from work? What would you say to him? What do you think your tone would sound like?”

  Jeff added honey to his tea and stirred it. “I’ll never be able to talk to him like I’ll talk to Griff,” he said. “That’s asking too much. He’s a sullen kid and he doesn’t appreciate anything we do for him. I’m trying to do the right thing here, Marcia, but you’re asking too much.”

  Marcia nodded. She followed him into the living room and sat next to him on the couch. She put her arms around him and murmured into his ear, “I know you’re trying. I guess I just want you to try a little harder.”

  He smiled. She thought it was a twisted sort of smile, a smile that said he had had enough of these conversations. He disentangled himself from her arms and got up to turn on the TV. She sank bank into the cushions. They both heard a sharp cry from Griffin’s room and shared a look. “I’ll go,” she said. Griffin had lost his pacifier again so she found it, put it back in his mouth and tiptoed out as he fell back asleep. She was tired, so she went to their bedroom and got ready for bed.

  After changing into her nightgown and brushing her teeth, she stopped in front of Danny’s room and knocked. He didn’t answer, so she spoke through the closed door. “I just wanted to say good night, Danny.”

  “Good night,” he answered. She hesitated, wondering whether she should try again to talk to him, but decided against it. She returned to her bedroom and slipped into bed but her mind was whirling and she couldn’t sleep. Finally, she got up and walked back to the living room, where Jeff was still watching television.

  “Jeff, we’ve talked about family therapy,” she said. “Every time I mention it, you say sure but not now. But it’s time to do it. His individual therapy isn’t enough. And I think we’d all benefit from it.”

  He didn’t answer, which she took as agreement. She resolved to set up an appointment as soon as possible.

  14

  Marcia’s six-month maternity leave was coming to an end. It had seemed like a long time at the beginning, when lack of sleep and constant demands blurred day and night and often left her in a daze. But now that it was over, it seemed too soon and arrangements had to be made. Luckily, Colleen, a colleague at work, no longer needed her full-time nanny and she gave a glowing recommendation for a Guatemalan woman named Berta Hernandez. Marcia interviewed and quickly hired her. That circumstance relieved a huge pressure because she didn’t need to go through the task of checking references, and no matter how good they were, worrying about what went on when she wasn’t there. Colleen vouched for this woman who had been with her for fifteen years, and Marcia liked and trusted Coleen. She also felt calmed because Danny was in the house. Jeff found this surprising, since Danny’s presence never seemed a positive addition to him, but Marcia tried to explain that Danny would see how Berta was with Griffin and report back. She was also hopeful that a Spanish-speaking housekeeper would make Danny feel more comfortable when he missed his old neighborhood, and less isolated.

  Marcia was torn about going back to work. She was bound so closely to Griffin, to his cycle of eating and sleeping, which lately was more and more interspersed with periods of alertness and play, that she found it hard to imagine leaving him for so many hours each day. As a senior editor she had been able to arrange her schedule so that she could work at home two days a week at the beginning, and that helped her make the transition. But it was also true that part of her yearned to be back at her desk in her quiet, organized office, reading and editing manuscripts, going to meetings and lunching with clients and associates. Just thinking about it made her smile. Work problems that before seemed troublesome now seemed relatively minor. And she was convinced that Griffin would be fine with Berta. She had asked the woman to come in for a few days while she wa
s still at home so she could teach her Griffin’s schedule and observe her interactions with him. Berta had arrived with a baby book about farm animals and the sounds they each make. She said a pleasant hello and then went straight to Griffin, talking to him and holding out her arms for him. He flashed a big smile and leaned toward her. Marcia was delighted to see how competently she took over.

  The only problem was Danny. She explained to Berta that she would be responsible for him too, that he needed to be home after school and do his homework, and Berta would be expected to monitor his behavior. Danny didn’t seem to take to her, however. He resented her telling him what to do, seeming to think he was too old for a babysitter, and refused to answer her in Spanish when she used it to address him. Worse, Berta showered affection on Griffin while speaking abruptly and dismissively to Danny. Danny responded in kind, and Marcia worried that his intransigence and downright rudeness to Berta would make her quit. She tried to think of ways to minimize the time Danny was with her. Danny’s therapist thought Danny resented Berta simply because she was another person telling him what to do and that the relationship might get better with time. He suggested encouraging Danny to join group activities at school as a way to make some friends. So, for his own good, as well as the household’s, Marcia encouraged him to come up with an after-school activity that he would like, but so far, he’d turned down every suggestion. Did he want to do sports? Maybe baseball, Marcia suggested—she knew he loved it in L.A. and was good at it. Jeff loved baseball too; he was a devoted Yankees fan. Maybe they would share that passion, she thought hopefully.