Her Last Breath

by Tracy Buchanan

  ‘The view still has that effect, doesn’t it?’ Autumn said, squeezing Estelle’s hand. ‘I still have to stare at it for ten minutes each morning when I wake up, just to convince myself it’s real. We are so lucky to live in a town like this.’

  Estelle peered out towards the heart of Lillysands and hints of the white glimmer of sails from its marina. She wondered if Aiden were out there somewhere.

  Behind her, Autumn went to the fridge. ‘So, what will it be? Pancakes and maple syrup? Poached eggs and muffins? Or the full shebang, the famous Garland fry-up?’

  Estelle took in the contents of the bulging fridge freezer. Autumn was a food taster for high-street stores and always brought home boot-loads of food.

  ‘People have between two thousand and ten thousand taste buds,’ Estelle remembered Autumn telling her on her second day there. ‘I’m one of those with tens of thousands. Taste is everything, darling. Taste is the epicentre of what it means to be alive.’

  ‘I ate on the train,’ Estelle said now. ‘But thank you, I appreciate it.’

  ‘I’m hungry,’ Max said.

  Autumn rolled her eyes. ‘Aren’t you always? Tea then,’ she said to Estelle. ‘Or coffee?’

  Estelle reached into her bag, handing over some sachets of peppermint tea. ‘Tea would be good, thanks. I hope you don’t mind using these for mine?’

  Autumn and Max exchanged a look. Then Autumn took the teabag, holding it with her fingertips as though it were poison before dropping it into a mug.

  ‘Honestly, it feels like we’ve gone back eighteen years,’ Autumn said, sighing contentedly as she slapped some bacon onto a pan. ‘Doesn’t it, Max, having our Stel back in this kitchen, sitting at that stool?’

  ‘Poor girl,’ Max said, shaking his head. ‘Still makes me ill thinking of the state you were in when you got here. We’ve all had our fair share of difficult childhoods but yours was particularly difficult. We soon changed that though, didn’t we? And now look at you,’ he said, smiling that magnetic smile of his. ‘Author, vlogger, Olympic advisor. I’m so proud of you, and so proud we played a part in that.’

  ‘Yes, we really are,’ Autumn said, leaning over and squeezing Estelle’s hand. ‘It’s good to be able to tell you that to your face, darling, how very proud we are.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Estelle said, feeling her face flush.

  ‘You’ll stay tonight?’ Max said.

  ‘Of course she will!’ Autumn exclaimed. ‘Your old room is ready and waiting for you, I’ll even add some chocolate to the pillows,’ she added with a wink

  ‘Oh, you really don’t have to; I was planning to find a hotel in town.’

  The truth was, she wasn’t even sure she’d need to stay overnight. She just knew she needed to get to Aiden before the police did and try to get a sense of whether anyone else knew about Poppy here. She peered out over Lillysands. Someone out there must know something. She could feel it in her gut. But the police had no hope of squeezing any information out of the people here if they decided to ask questions. Only someone who was part of the community could – or someone who used to be part of the community, at least.

  ‘You will not stay in a hotel,’ Autumn said, pouting. ‘If you’re going to stay, I insist it’s here.’

  Estelle smiled. ‘Okay, I’ll let you know. I take it you don’t have any foster kids staying?’ Estelle asked as she sat on the stool Max pulled out for her. ‘It’s very quiet.’

  They both shook their heads sadly. ‘Just too busy now,’ Max replied.

  ‘With the property business?’ Estelle asked.

  He nodded.

  ‘I’ve even gone part-time with the food tasting to help out,’ Autumn said.

  ‘That’s good news though,’ Estelle said. ‘Means it’s expanding.’

  ‘Very good news,’ Max said in a bright voice.

  Estelle yawned.

  ‘Keeping you up, are we?’ he said with a laugh.

  ‘Sorry! I’ve just been on the go since five this morning.’

  ‘Five?’ Autumn and Max exclaimed.

  Estelle laughed. They’d never been early risers, she was surprised to see them awake and ready at this time in fact. ‘Like I said, it was an impulsive visit.’

  ‘So you just woke at five in the morning,’ Autumn said, moving the pan about as the bacon sizzled, ‘and thought “what the hell, I’ll go visit Autumn and Max”.’

  ‘Something like that. I wanted to talk to Aiden too.’

  ‘About your next book?’ Autumn asked, pausing to look her in the eye. Estelle nodded, trying to avoid her gaze. ‘He should be around later,’ Autumn said, turning back to the hob. ‘I’ll give him a call, let him know you’re here. You really do look exhausted, Stel. Why don’t you go upstairs for a nap? You can’t have got much sleep.’

  ‘No, it’s fine, really,’ Estelle said, rubbing her eyes. But Autumn was right. She’d been up late with the dinner party too, so the combination of two nights with disrupted sleep was taking its toll.

  ‘Come on,’ Max said. ‘A couple of hours’ kip in your old room and you’ll be as right as rain. You can barely function, girl!’

  Estelle found herself nodding. Autumn switched the hob off. ‘I’ll get you settled in.’

  They walked out of the kitchen and upstairs, Estelle pausing as they passed the room Alice had once occupied. It looked completely different, the once sky blue walls that Alice had chosen had been wallpapered over with shiny grey. She imagined Alice as she used to see her, lying stomach down in the middle of her bed as she flicked through a schoolbook. She was always reading something or another, her curiosity about the world seemingly endless. Her red hair would usually be pinned up, face fresh. ‘Shall we watch a film, get some popcorn?’ she used to say to Estelle when she caught her watching her. Estelle loved that, lying on Alice’s bed and watching films into the night with her. ‘We’re like sisters, aren’t we?’ Alice used to say as she peered up at her.

  ‘Darling?’ Autumn said, pulling the door shut hard. ‘Come see your room, we’ve kept it just the same.’

  Autumn was right, Estelle’s room was exactly as it had once looked, down to the same four-poster bed and red and white quilt. The quilt wasn’t the original but it was the same pattern. One window stretched across the entire wall looking out over the sea, a window seat in front of it plump with red and white cushions. The room had wowed Estelle the first night she arrived, so large and pristine compared to what she was used to. She used to leave the curtains wide open when she slept there, staring out at the distant waves and pinching herself at how lucky she was.

  Estelle caught sight of a small unmanned boat bobbing up and down in the middle of the sea. She felt like that now, afloat, not anchored to anyone or anything. She thought briefly of Seb. She peered at her phone. Still no call or text from him. He’d be fuming, her just walking out on him like that.

  ‘Just have a lie-down, darling,’ Autumn said. ‘I’ll get some lunch ready for when you wake up.’ She looked into Estelle’s eyes, her own watering. Then she pulled Estelle into a hug. ‘It’s so good to have you back.’ Suddenly, it was like Estelle was anchored again, still and safe in Autumn’s arms.

  When Autumn left the room, Estelle swept her hands over the bed. A memory flashed to her then, pain ripping through her body, the sound of her own guttural screams crowding her ears. And then the cry of a baby, delivered on that very bed. At least Poppy hadn’t been born in a refuse site, like Estelle had been. Her mother had gone there with a friend to find a cot after hearing one had been dumped there. As Estelle’s mother had argued with a burly man over the cot, she went into labour: Estelle’s grand entrance into the world surrounded by rubbish and shocked faces peering into a clapped-up old car owned by one of the refuse workers.

  Estelle sighed and went to the window seat, curling up on it like she used to, peering out at the views from the vast window. She loved the beginnings of summer in Lillysands. It gave it a different quality, the way the setting sun would
turn the sea gold; the rising sun offering a smattering of pink, red and yellow. In fact, it almost looked like there were leaves floating in the water sometimes.

  As Estelle looked outside, she caught sight of the wooden decking. The Garlands liked to eat outside as much as possible, even in winter, with the patio heaters they dotted around the decking providing plenty of heat. Estelle thought of her first ever dinner there. She’d walked out onto the freezing decking, Autumn’s fur coat around her shoulders, the fire pit crackling nearby. She’d expected it to be just her, Autumn and Max. But there was a boy and girl at the table too: the girl a little younger than Estelle and, she’d realised with shock, the boy she’d seen at the cave a few hours before.

  Nobody had told her there’d be other children.

  ‘This is our son, Aiden,’ Autumn had said, gesturing to him. He’d shot her a lazy smile and put his hand up in greeting, acting as though she hadn’t seen him crying. ‘And this is Alice,’ Autumn had continued. ‘She was our first special girl – came here a year ago and made us realise how much we could help children.’

  It turned out Alice was a local girl, but her father was violent, her mother long dead. Autumn and Max had offered to take her in. She was a tiny girl of about eleven, a year younger than Estelle, with a smattering of freckles on her pale skin and long red hair. She was enveloped in one of Autumn’s fur coats too, a black one that made her red hair look even more vivid. She’d smiled shyly as Estelle had mumbled a hi, sitting in the seat Autumn pulled out for her. Across from Estelle was a huge pot of thick creamy stew, a pile of bread next to it, the first home cooked meal she’d had in days. As Estelle ate and the family chattered away, she felt like she was in an alternate reality and that, any moment, she’d be pulled away from it. She kept quiet, staring out at the dark sea, counting the stars reflected in its surface as she ate the delicious fat-laden stew.

  Every now and again, Aiden watched her with unblinking eyes, throwing her his crooked smile whenever she caught his gaze.

  Estelle sighed at the memory, and leaned her head back, catching sight of the trendy abstract art piece on the wall. She remembered seeing that the first time she stepped into the room and thinking, Dad would nick that. He’d nick everything in this house. Autumn had seemed to sense what Estelle was thinking that day, looking at her sadly.

  At least Poppy hadn’t had to endure a father like that. The TV presenter looked like a nice man. The articles she’d read suggested he was kind and well-regarded. She thought of the pain Poppy’s parents must be feeling at being estranged from her. It was bad enough for Estelle, but she didn’t know her daughter, didn’t have a personality to grasp onto, memories, smiles and tears.

  ‘Where are you Poppy?’ she whispered, looking out to sea.

  Her eyes started drooping. Just a few minutes’ sleep, that’s all she needed …

  Chapter Eight

  I can see you up there, forehead pressed against the window.

  You look so innocent, gazing out to the sea, just like you used to when I first met you.

  But that was before I heard what you did.

  Even after you’d been handed everything on a plate! Sure, you had a difficult childhood. But so did I.

  I didn’t try to bite the hand that feeds me, did I?

  Watching you, I can’t help but imagine the window opening, you falling through it.

  I see you spiralling towards the ground, imagine the impact.

  How would I feel? I used to care for you, so very much.

  The old me, the one who didn’t know you for what you truly are, would mourn your loss.

  But now?

  I’m not so sure.

  Chapter Nine

  Estelle woke to the sound of laughter downstairs and the front door being opened. She pulled herself up, raking her fingers through her hair as she fought the fog in her mind. She peered at her watch. Past twelve. She’d been sleeping for nearly three hours! She quickly picked her phone up, noticing she had an email from her publicist checking in after her disastrous interview with the newspaper journalist. Estelle ignored it, instead scrolling to the news to check for any updates on Poppy.

  But there was nothing.

  She looked around her at the familiar room, so similar it was like stepping back in time, back to where it had all been so right and then gone so wrong. Suddenly, it seemed terribly rushed and irrational to have come back. But she was here now, wasn’t she?

  She got up and walked out into the landing, peering down. Voices were coming from the dining room.

  Was Aiden in there? She swallowed, feeling nervous. She’d need to somehow get him away from his parents to tell him everything. She quickly checked her hair in the mirror then padded downstairs.

  ‘Surprise,’ a chorus of voices rang out as she opened the door.

  Estelle reeled back, shocked to see twenty or so faces smiling at her from the large dining room table, which was piled high with food: goat’s cheese and vegetable tarts; cold spicy wedges with a plethora of tepid-looking dips still in their plastic containers; shop-bought sandwiches and a slab of honey-glazed gammon. Everything Estelle used to love … and everything she now avoided.

  ‘I thought I’d have a few people over,’ Autumn said, putting her arm around Estelle’s shoulders. ‘A little impromptu welcome back lunch.’

  ‘You invited half of Lillysands,’ Estelle exclaimed as Max laughed. She noticed Mr Tate among them, looking embarrassed. He smiled at her, raising an eyebrow slightly, and she smiled back.

  ‘Of course!’ Autumn said. ‘We’ve missed our girl, I wanted a proper homecoming.’

  Estelle looked at them all, not sure what to think.

  Max gave Estelle a gentle nudge and she walked in. The faces were all so familiar, it was disorientating. She searched each of them to see if Aiden was amongst them. But she couldn’t see him.

  ‘Is Aiden here?’ she asked Max.

  ‘Not yet.’ Estelle felt a strange mixture of relief and disappointment: relief she wouldn’t need to tell him the unbearable truth, but disappointment not to be able to see him right now. ‘Left a message for him though,’ Max added.

  ‘Stel!’ a pretty woman with a brown bob exclaimed as she hugged her.

  ‘Hi Veronica.’ Veronica Kemp was Autumn’s vivacious best friend, a regular feature at the Garlands’ house when Estelle had lived there. She was the only woman who didn’t seem to fade in Autumn’s presence. They both gave as good as it got, with their glossy hair and made-up faces. Veronica was a particular tour de force in the Lillysands community, organising events, pushing the town’s reputation, a confidante to many.

  Veronica held Estelle at arm’s length and appraised her. ‘I prefer the dark hair,’ she said as Autumn nodded. ‘But still beautiful. Isn’t she beautiful, Peter?’

  Veronica’s husband, Peter, a tall man with greying dark hair and penetrating grey eyes, nodded as he looked Estelle up and down in approval. He was the richest man in Lillysands, owning half the property there. He’d been the one to invest money in the properties Max had had built on the cliff top and they remained in business on various ventures around Lillysands according to what Estelle had seen on Max’s website. Estelle always thought Max aspired to be like Peter, but never quite matched his income levels. They had an interesting camaraderie, the two men, competitive but friendly. Estelle wondered if Peter had benefited even more from Max’s growing business ventures than Max himself.

  ‘Very beautiful,’ Peter said, giving Estelle a kiss on both cheeks. ‘How are you, Stel? Your book’s launching soon, isn’t it? It’s all Autumn’s been able to talk about for months, ever since she saw that article in The Times. She still has it hanging in her office.’

  Estelle looked over at Autumn who was fussing over the food. It made her heart clench to think Autumn had kept track of her all this time.

  ‘Estelle, you look fantastic,’ a deep voice said. It was Veronica and Peter’s son, Darren, tall and dark with grey eyes like his father. A mem
ory came to her of them tangled together in the sand, his hand on her thigh.

  She buried it away and tried to smile.

  ‘Darren, how are you?’ she asked.

  He smiled. ‘Great now you’re here.’ He pulled a face. ‘I never got a reply to my email, young lady.’

  Estelle smiled awkwardly. She’d received a few emails from him when her name started appearing in the papers, congratulating her on her success and suggesting they meet up for a drink when he was in London. She’d ignored the first one, remembering what a jerk he was. Then he’d sent her chaser emails, so she’d moved them to her junk folder.

  ‘Oh gosh, yes,’ she said. ‘So sorry. I meant to reply but things got crazy.’

  He shrugged. ‘I get it.’ But his eyes betrayed how disappointed he was.

  ‘Darren is a proper property mogul now,’ Veronica said proudly.

  ‘Following in my father’s footsteps,’ Darren said, patting Peter on the back. ‘Looks like you and I have both made successes of ourselves, Estelle.’

  ‘Well, I don’t own a property at all yet, so I’m not so sure,’ Estelle said.

  Darren pulled a business card out and handed it to her. ‘If you have plans to buy, just call. In fact, I’m holding an event tomorrow morning for potential investors. Would be great to see you there. I can show you off, local success story and all that.’

  ‘Great idea,’ Peter said, smiling at Estelle. ‘There’ll be lots of champagne!’

  ‘Or organic wine,’ Darren said, winking at her. ‘I’ve done my research.’

  Estelle tried to smile back. ‘I’m not sure how long I’m staying.’

  ‘If you change your mind, call me,’ Darren said. ‘I can assure you, you’ll have a good time. I put on the best events in the county.’

  ‘I will,’ she said, slipping his business card into her pocket and trying not to roll her eyes. Darren had always been a show-off at school, popular and a hit with the girls, but predictably shallow too. Aiden had hated him, said he was the stupidest kid he knew. Estelle wondered what Aiden thought of him now, a leading businessman in the community, and Aiden a rock climber. It was all supposed to be so different.