Her Last Breath

by Tracy Buchanan

  Darren frowned. ‘What? When did this happen?’

  ‘Just now, darling,’ Veronica said.

  ‘Shit. I was sleeping.’

  ‘Jesus,’ Aiden said under his breath. ‘Stupid is as stupid does.’

  Darren glared at him. ‘What was that?’

  Aiden didn’t reply, just glared at him.

  Autumn handed Darren a plate of food, her brow creased. Darren bit into some bacon, the oil oozing down his chin. ‘All I know is investors won’t take too kindly to that if they find out,’ he said, grey eyes sliding over to Max.

  Estelle looked at the two cottages on the horizon, a whole thirty years of memories soon to disappear into the sea for the Tates. And yet all Max, Peter and Darren seemed to care about was what it would do to the town’s reputation … and their wallets too. How could they be so shallow?

  ‘I need some fresh air,’ she said, standing up.

  Aiden looked into her eyes. ‘I’ll join you.’ They both walked out, Darren’s eyes on their backs.

  ‘Jesus, can you believe them?’ Aiden said when they got outside.

  ‘I know. They really don’t seem to care about the people in the cottages; it’s all about the town investments.’

  ‘That’s Lillysands for you.’

  She looked at him, thinking of the way she’d kissed him the night before. ‘What I did last night …’ she said.

  ‘Forget about it. You were drunk.’

  Yes, she was drunk. But did that mean she hadn’t wanted to kiss him? ‘I know but—’

  ‘I said forget about it,’ Aiden said softly. ‘You said Alice knew about the coastal erosion issues here?’ he asked, clearly wanting to change the subject.

  Estelle nodded, recounting what Mrs Tate had told her. Then something occurred to her. She opened her overnight bag and found Alice’s box, pulling out the drawing. ‘I found this in the burrow of the oak tree, remember we used to store stuff in there? It’s Alice’s.’

  Aiden took it, anger flaring in his eyes as he stared at it.

  ‘I’d thought it was just a sketch at first, but now,’ she paused. ‘Now I think it has something to do with what’s happening here, the erosion of the cliffs.’

  Aiden nodded. ‘She figured out there was a major landslide risk on the plot where Dad and Peter’s development is,’ he said with certainty, then put his finger to a number she’d written in one corner. ‘Looks like she called local authorities too to get more information. And look,’ he added, pointing to a small bit of writing which had been scribbled out.

  Estelle peered closer and saw it said: Cover-up? People paid off by M & P?

  ‘Jesus,’ she whispered.

  Aiden’s green eyes flickered with anger as he looked over his shoulder into the house. ‘Alice thought Dad and Peter covered the landslide risk up so they could continue their development, that they even paid the authorities off!’

  ‘Mrs Tate said she confronted Max about it. Do you think your dad knew about this all along?’

  ‘I guess there’s only one way to find out.’

  He went to walk back inside but Estelle held him back. ‘Maybe it’s best not to go steaming in there.’

  ‘Why? He’s my dad. I need to know.’

  ‘Calm down a bit first. It’ll do no use storming in.’

  He smiled. ‘Have we reversed roles? I used to be the one calming you down when we were kids.’

  ‘I guess we have.’

  ‘You know how I feel then.’ He shook her hand off and marched into the kitchen.

  Estelle followed.

  ‘Can we talk, Dad?’ Aiden asked immediately, folding his arms as he stood in front of his father.

  Max looked up from his breakfast as Darren raised an eyebrow.

  ‘You sound very serious, son,’ Max said.

  ‘Did you cover up the landslide risk so you could build your development here?’ Aiden asked outright.

  Darren’s brow creased as Max’s face grew serious. ‘Where’s this coming from?’

  ‘Just answer the question, Dad,’ Aiden said warily.

  Max shot his son a quizzical look. ‘That building work took place years ago.’

  ‘Doesn’t matter when it happened. Did you and Peter cover up the landslide risk?’

  Peter looked at Aiden in shock. ‘I had no idea about the landslide risk!’

  ‘Neither did I,’ Max replied airily. As he said that, Darren regarded him with hooded eyes. Max peered at Estelle then back to Aiden again.

  ‘You’re lying,’ Aiden said. ‘I can always tell when you’re lying.’

  Max’s face hardened.

  ‘That’s quite an accusation, Aiden,’ Peter said.

  ‘An unfounded accusation,’ Darren added.

  Aiden pointed at him. ‘This has nothing to do with you.’ He turned back to his father. ‘So? Why don’t you tell the truth for once?’

  Darren narrowed his eyes at him.

  Max stood up so he was nearly nose-to-nose with his son. ‘Don’t you talk to me like that,’ he hissed.

  Estelle felt her heartbeat accelerate.

  ‘Stop it, you two!’ Autumn, who had been uncharacte‌ristically silent up to now, said, trying to pull at Max’s arm.

  But he swept her away. ‘Our son is making groundless accusations. I have a right to be angry.’

  Estelle walked up to him with Alice’s sketch. ‘Groundless? Really? Alice knew, didn’t she?’

  Max looked at the sketch then at Estelle, his eyes glistening with anger. ‘Where’d you get that?’

  ‘It doesn’t matter,’ Estelle said.

  ‘This has nothing to do with you either,’ he spat, looking Estelle up and down. ‘You come marching back into our lives, not a word from you in years. Think you can be a Garland again – that you ever were? Think again. Just because you’re a stuck-up bitch now doesn’t mean people forget the scum you came from.’

  Estelle stepped back, shocked. She stared into her foster father’s furious eyes, saw the spittle on his chin, the way his fists were curled. It reminded her of her birth father and made her feel sick.

  ‘Leave her alone,’ Aiden said in a low warning voice.

  Max laughed bitterly. ‘Well, you would stick up for your little girlfriend, wouldn’t you?’

  Estelle went very still as Aiden blinked.

  ‘What?’ Darren said.

  ‘You think we didn’t know about you two?’ Max hissed, looking between Estelle and Aiden. ‘Why do you think we convinced you to get rid of the kid, Stel?’

  Autumn marched over to Max, slapping her husband around the face. ‘How dare you?’ she screamed at him. ‘How fucking dare you?’

  Peter stood up. ‘Okay, I think this is our cue to leave,’ he said, and Veronica, who had sat back and watched the scene unfold, stood with him.

  But Darren remained seated, looking between Estelle and Aiden. ‘You were fucking?’ he said.

  ‘Come on!’ Peter said, grabbing his son’s arm and pulling him towards the hallway.

  ‘I’m not dressed!’ Estelle heard Darren exclaim.

  ‘You can change in the car,’ Peter retorted.

  After the door slammed, Estelle turned to Autumn. ‘You knew?’

  ‘Of course we knew, darling,’ she said quietly.

  ‘Why didn’t you say anything?’

  ‘I wanted to, so desperately.’ Her face darkened as she looked at her husband. ‘But Max insisted.’

  ‘Fucking disgusting,’ Max said. ‘Not like you’ve stopped either, I saw you in the sea last night.’

  Estelle felt her face flush.

  ‘We’re disgusting?’ Aiden said in a trembling voice. ‘You’re the ones who were happy to get rid of your own granddaughter, for fuck’s sake.’

  Max’s face exploded with anger and he shoved Aiden up against the wall. Estelle and Autumn darted towards them, grabbing at Max’s arms. But Max caught Autumn’s cheek with his hand. She stumbled back and Estelle helped her upright, shocked.

 
‘Don’t you fucking talk to me like that,’ Max hissed into Aiden’s face.

  Autumn got up, redness blossoming on her cheek. ‘Leave him alone, Max,’ she said in a calm voice. ‘Leave my son alone right now then get the hell out.’

  Max looked at his wife. Autumn was tiny but she seemed to dwarf his large form as she stood before him. His eyes dropped to her bruise and all the anger seemed to drain out of him.

  ‘You heard what Mum said,’ Aiden said calmly. ‘Get out.’

  Max turned to Estelle. ‘I hope you’re happy pulling this family apart again,’ he said before sweeping out of the house.

  Estelle sat on the window seat of her old room, looking out at the stormy sea as Max’s words ran through her mind. She’d thought Max was a good man, he’d saved her when she was a teenager. But had that all been a sham? Had he always thought she was ‘scum’? Even when he’d held her after she’d fallen off her bike and broken her wrist? Or when he’d wiped the tears from her eyes when yet another birthday went by with no card from her own father?

  She wrapped her arms around herself. All her memories of the time she’d spent here felt fake now.

  Her phone buzzed. She quickly glanced at it. Just an email from a friend. She was hoping there might be an update on Poppy from DC Jones. She quickly checked the news but there was nothing about her at all. They’d already forgotten.

  She was just a runaway girl and the novelty had worn off.

  But she was still missing.

  ‘Mind if I come in?’ She looked up to see Aiden at the door.

  ‘Sure.’ She rubbed her eyes and sat up as he took the chair across from her.

  ‘Mum’s pretty upset downstairs,’ he said. ‘She’s worried you took Dad’s words to heart.’

  ‘I’m worried about her! He hit her, Aiden.’

  ‘To be fair, I think that was an accident.’

  ‘But he didn’t blink an eye about it.’

  ‘Mum and Dad are always arguing, don’t you remember? She gives as good as she gets. It’s the drink, Stel, you know what they’re like.’

  Estelle thought back to when she lived there. Aiden was right. There had been arguments, shattering the silence at night. One particularly bad one had Estelle and Alice running onto the landing, eyes wide with fear as they heard Autumn and Max screaming at each other accompanied by the sound of shattering glass.

  ‘What are you fucking looking at?’ Max had shouted up at Estelle and Alice when he’d seen them watching. So they’d both scurried into Estelle’s room, covers up to their chins as they endured the rest of the screaming match.

  Funny how her memory could be so selective about her time in Lillysands.

  ‘Look,’ Aiden said with a sigh. ‘You know my dad didn’t mean all that, he’s clearly still feeling the effects of the alcohol from last night and he says stupid things when he’s drunk. Plus you know what he’s like about Peter and the Lillysands set, desperate to impress, desperate to do Peter’s bidding.’

  ‘Seemed to me like he meant it.’

  Aiden looked pained. ‘He loves you, Estelle; like a daughter.’

  ‘I don’t know. I’m starting to doubt a lot of things lately.’ She shook her head as she recalled the argument from an hour ago. ‘Like how could they have kept the fact they knew about us a secret for so long?’

  ‘This is Lillysands, Stel. Lies and secrets.’

  ‘I don’t remember it being this bad.’

  He raised an eyebrow. ‘You’ve clearly been away too long.’

  Estelle turned to look out of the window again. Police were at the front of the cottages, men in rain jackets too, cameras out as they investigated the back of the houses.

  Estelle looked up at Aiden. ‘Do you think your dad covered up the landslide risk?’

  ‘I hope not. But nothing surprises me anymore.’

  Estelle thought back to the way Max had shoved Aiden against the wall. ‘If Alice confronted him, he would have been angry with her,’ she said. She’d been thinking this ever since she’d seen Max explode with temper earlier. She’d seen what that temper had done to Autumn, she could only imagine what it could have done to Alice.

  Aiden frowned. ‘What are you saying?’

  She held his gaze then shook her head. ‘Nothing.’ How could she say to Aiden, Hey, I think your dad might have hurt Alice? She stood up, grabbing her bag. ‘I think it’s time I got out of this place. The main reason I came in the first place was to tell you about Poppy.’

  ‘And to try to figure out who’d sent the photo of Poppy,’ Aiden said.

  Estelle went still as she thought of the last photo she’d got. She didn’t want to tell Aiden about it. He’d only ask to see it. She was too embarrassed.

  ‘I’m not a detective,’ she said. ‘I’ve tried but I just can’t penetrate Lillysands. It’s like a bloody clam. I know it’s all connected somehow, and I have a feeling Alice is all part of it but—’ She let out an exasperated breath. ‘No, it’s time to go.’

  ‘Train?’

  ‘Yep. The journey will give me time to think.’

  ‘About what?’

  ‘Me.’ She thought of what Mr Tate had said to her the evening before. He was right. She thought she was handling things, had believed it for years. But any hint of stress and she was back to her old ways again, binging, getting sick, pretending everything was okay. She needed to clean herself up and she clearly couldn’t do that in Lillysands. It had all started here after all. The first summer when the sun came out, the girls at school all obsessed with being skinny even at just twelve. One girl – another rich kid like Darren – had whispered to Estelle in class that she’d seen her mother get sick after a big meal.

  ‘That’s why she’s so skinny,’ the girl had explained. ‘So I started doing it. Honestly, it’s the best. You feel all empty and clean after.’

  So each lunchtime in the school bathrooms she’d flushed away all the filth. She’d stopped for a while with Mr Tate’s help after he twigged what she was up to. She’d even seen the school counsellor. But then, thanks to Autumn and Max’s business dinner parties, she felt more pressure to fit in, to be clean.

  When she was placed with her next long-term foster parents, Carol and Justin, things abated for a while. They were the calmest years of her life, a complete contrast to the Garlands: quiet, studious, affection not shown through hugs and kisses but smiles and awkward taps of encouragement on the back. Estelle welcomed it. She needed a cave to hide in and that small house in Ealing with its piles of books and musical instruments was just what she needed. Just the three of them, living together, eating together, quiet, peace.

  Each day was carefully planned by the couple, breakfast at the same time, lunch and dinner too. Fish on a Monday, a lean roast dinner on Sundays. Justin had come from a family rife with obesity and heart attacks. Estelle remembered being shocked when she’d met his brother, a man so big he could hardly fit through the door. So all the food in their house was low fat, no sugars, a restriction on carbs, a complete contrast to the Garlands.

  Things got so good, Estelle even felt she could work at the patisserie next door in the evenings and at weekends. It was a chance to test her discipline, a test she passed most of the time. But sometimes she would slip into her old ways. There was one time when particularly bad snowfall meant a surplus of leftover cake. She’d had a bad day, some other schoolkids coming into the shop and taking the mick out of her. As she sat there, waiting to close up, the shiny chocolate wafers and succulent cream calling to her, she suddenly rushed at it, gorging herself. The guilt that came after, the nausea and the filth all over her hands and face, was overwhelming. So she’d run to the toilet to throw it all up. But the guilt that followed that was worse. So she forced the desire to binge away.

  Of course, it wasn’t as easy as that. When she failed to get clients as a nutritionist after leaving university, the setback made her struggle at home too, ignoring her carefully planned meal schedule and binging on food before throwing it
up. And ever since, it would crop up now and again, the ‘friend’ she could turn to when things got tough.

  But she was getting somewhere with her life now. She was determined to put an end to it once and for all. And being in Lillysands wasn’t going to help with that.

  She explored Aiden’s face, so familiar to her despite the years that had passed. ‘It’s been good seeing you, Aiden. We’ll keep in touch; we have each other’s numbers. We’ll keep an eye on the news about Poppy too, and if I get to the bottom of the Polaroid photos, I’ll call you.’

  ‘And vice versa.’

  She tried to explore his face to see if he was disappointed. But he gave nothing away.

  ‘I hope the rock climbing stuff works out for you,’ she said.

  ‘And the nutrition stuff for you.’

  She raised an eyebrow. ‘I’m not so sure after last night,’ she said.

  ‘That was just a lapse – you’re human. It’ll make you more determined.’

  ‘Maybe.’

  They stood looking at each other for a few moments. Part of Estelle wanted to hug him but she was worried it would ignite something inside her again and she already knew Aiden no longer felt the same. So she headed for the door, Aiden following. She felt him close behind her as they walked down the stairs, his breath on her neck. She couldn’t help her thoughts straying to the night before, the feel of her lips on his …

  They walked through to the kitchen to find Autumn on a stool, head in her hands, a smouldering cigarette on the side.

  Estelle walked over to her, putting her hand on her back as Aiden watched from the doorway. ‘Autumn?’

  Autumn peered up. Her eyelashes were wet, her cheeks mascara-streaked. It made Estelle think of other times she’d seen Autumn like this after a fight with Max all those years ago.

  ‘You okay?’ Estelle asked, taking the stool next to her. She could smell brandy, Autumn’s choice of booze, coming off her. She looked at the glass by her side, half-drunk already.

  ‘Oh, just my husband being a complete arsehole, that’s all,’ Autumn said, taking a drag of her cigarette and blowing it out of the side of her mouth, the smoke swirling around Estelle’s head. Autumn looked into Estelle’s eyes, her own looking pained. ‘He shouldn’t have talked to you like that.’