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27 Our longing for more arises from what is infinite within us Kierkegaard called this “infinite passion,” or “passion for the infinite.”
28 The Indian teacher Sri Poonja David Godman, ed., Papaji (Boulder, Colo.: Avadhuta Foundation, 1993, p. 72).
29 Rumi calls this the “secret cup” From Rumi’s poem “Love Dogs,” translated by Coleman Barks.
Chapter 6: The Love That Sets You Free
30 This whole question of needing other people is a confusing and tricky one Some spiritual teachers say that emotional needs are an illusion—because everything we truly need for well-being and balance is contained within us, in our deepest essence. Most psychotherapists, on the other hand, would say that we can’t help needing people, and that trying to transcend need is a form of denial or repression that diminishes our vitality and humanness.
Both of these views contain a kernel of truth. Each of us is more or less dependent on others, according to our degree of maturity and inner development. At one end of the developmental continuum, the infant is dependent on others for everything. At the other end of the continuum are enlightened sages, who have become totally free of emotional dependency on others because they have discovered how to live at one with the source of all. Between these two ends of the developmental spectrum, most of us continue to have some emotional dependency and need for human warmth and connectedness, although the extent of this can evolve over the course of a lifetime. Thus the operative principle seems to be: “You need people until you don’t.”
31 Just because we are fashioned out of absolute love, this does not mean that we can embody it Humanity discovered the reality of enlightenment and spiritual awakening thousands of years ago. This was an amazing discovery. Nonetheless, all the great attainments in the area of spiritual realization, wonderful as they are, have hardly begun to transform the overall quality of human relationships on this planet, which are still driven by the darkest motivations and emotions.
The hard truth is that spiritual awakenings often do not heal our deep wounding in the area of love, or translate readily into skillful communication or interpersonal attunement. Thus many spiritual adepts—teachers and students alike—either leave intimate relationships behind altogether or wind up having the same relational difficulties and problems that everyone else has.
Swami Prajnanpad recognized the discrepancy between people’s spiritual practice and their ability to embody it in their relationships, often telling students who wanted to study with him to “bring a certificate from your wife.” He saw marriage as a particularly powerful litmus test of one’s development, because in it one is “fully exposed. . . . All one’s peculiarities, all of one’s so-called weaknesses are there in their naked form. This is why it is the testing ground.” In solitary spiritual practice, the spiritual aspirant “may accomplish perfection and feel: ‘Oh! I am at ease, oh, I can feel oneness.’” But in marriage, “everything gets confounded.” Yogis discover that their so-called realization “was only on the superficial level. It had not percolated deep within. It simply appeared to have gone deep. Unless you are tested on the ground where you are fully exposed, all those outward achievements are false.”
Thus it seems that complete human development entails two main kinds of ripening: awakening, which involves discovering and realizing one’s true, absolute, essential nature, and individuation, which involves becoming a true person, someone who is capable of genuine contact, personal transparency, and intimacy with others. Since opening to absolute love allows us to recognize our essential nature as love, it is part of the path of awakening. Working on developing conscious relationships belongs to the path of individuation, for it is the means for evolving into a true person—someone who can embody love in an intimate, personal way.
32 For as the Indian teacher Sri Poonja points out H. W. L. Poonja, The Truth Is (San Anselmo, Calif.: VidyaSagar Publications, 1995, p. 287).
33 “You must fall in love with the one inside your heart” Ibid., p. 293.
About the Author
JOHN WELWOOD, PH.D., is a clinical psychologist, psychotherapist, teacher, and author. His innovative work integrates Eastern contemplative teachings with Western therapeutic understanding and practice. He leads popular workshops on conscious relationship and psychospiritual work throughout the world.
For more information, please visit his website at www.johnwelwood.com. If you would like to be on his mailing list, please send your e-mail and postal address to:
John Welwood
P.O. Box 2173
Mill Valley, CA 94942
(415) 381-6077
Also by John Welwood
Journey of the Heart: The Path of Conscious Love
Love and Awakening: Discovering the Sacred Path of Intimate Relationship
Toward a Psychology of Awakening: Buddhism, Psychotherapy, and the Path of Personal and Spiritual Transformation
Ordinary Magic: Everyday Life as Spiritual Path
Challenge of the Heart: Love, Sex, and Intimacy in Changing Times
Awakening the Heart: East/West Approaches to Psychotherapy and the Healing Relationship
Meeting of the Ways: Explorations in East/West Psychology
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