Until I Die Again [On The Way To Heaven] (Soul Change Novel)

by Tina Wainscott

  He pulled onto the highway, heading in the direction of home. The last threads of their light mood slipped away, but she grasped at one.

  “Let’s go to Oceanview.”

  He looked at her as if she was crazy. “Don’t tell me you have a sudden urge to visit your mother.”

  “God, no. I have another idea.” She grinned provocatively, hoping to pique his curiosity.

  “And what might that be?”

  “Come on, and you’ll find out.”

  “I don’t know if I like your surprises. Let’s just go back home.”

  She leaned toward him, needing to close the gap between them, at least physically. “Please, Jamie. I don’t want tonight to end yet.”

  Instead of winning him over with her pleading and honesty, he moved away. “Hallie, this is too weird. You’re too different. I don’t know how to act around you anymore or what to expect. We’ve gone along all this time being unhappy and making each other miserable. Then, just when I accept losing you as a wife, you nearly die. No, you do die. Then, when I’m ready to let you go completely, you come back. I was happy about that, I really was. And I figured, back to square three, where we were from before your stroke. But you can’t be predictable, no, we go to square fifty-six, wherever that is.” He dug his fingers through his hair in frustration, and all she could think about was running her own fingers through it, too.

  “Jamie, I don’t know what to tell you. I’m a different person now.”

  He glanced at her with narrowed eyes. “I’m not so sure about that either. You’re different, but I’m not sure how different and for how long.”

  She looked at him intently. “Forever.”

  His fingers tightened on the steering wheel. “I’ll be happy if we can part friends. That’s all I want from you, is peace. Maybe that’s what’s different now. Maybe we can do that.”

  She slumped in her seat, pushed into silence by the finality of his words.

  Find his heart.

  The words filtered through the closed atmosphere of the car, filtered through her very being. She crossed her arms. He doesn’t have one! But even as she thought it, she knew it wasn’t true. She glanced at him, then away. Total eclipse of the heart.

  It was too hard. Easier to just walk away like she planned. Maybe go back to Maven. But the thought of leaving Jamie left an ache in her heart. Damn, why couldn’t I have just left right away? But she already knew the answer. Jamie was the reason she was there. To find his heart, to bring him alive again.

  She leaned back, feeling tense all over. It was hard enough to win the love of a man who’d been hurt; it was impossible when that man thought you were the one who had hurt him. She, a woman who had had two relationships, both of which hadn’t gone very well, and now she had a marriage to save. How in Heaven’s name was she going to do that?

  Hallie looked up to see a sign reading TO LOS ALMEDA, ESCONDIDO. They had passed the road going east. They were going to Oceanview. She smiled. She was on a mission from God. That was all she needed to know for now.

  She wasnwasn’t going to do or say anything that would change his mind during the rest of the ride. They pulled into the town that only looked familiar from the night before.

  “Okay, where to?”

  “To a department store.”

  “A store? Are we going shopping?”

  “No. Just humor me. There, that one will do.”

  He pulled into the parking lot. She knew they looked ridiculous, Jamie in his white Tuxedo shirt and black pants, she in her blue dress. A few people actually said hello to her, but she brushed by them with a casual wave. She didn’t have time to renew “old friendships.” Well, except for one.

  “What are we buying here?” that exception asked.

  “Pillows,” she stated simply, knowing he would still be confused.

  They picked up two pillows and headed to the front register. A few minutes later, they loaded them into the trunk.

  Jamie asked again, “Okay, what are you up to? Don’t tell me you plan to make out on the beach, because I’m not—”

  She placed a finger over his lips, not wanting him to spoil the mood. “Just humor me. Please.”

  “Yeah, yeah,” he muttered and walked around to open her door.

  She directed him to the planetarium. They still had a few minutes. She tugged his arm to hurry him up, rushing him past the sign announcing the laser light show. Thankfully the show hadn’t started yet, because she wasn’t familiar with the layout of this planetarium. She knew every inch of the one near Maven.

  “So we’re seeing the planets tonight, eh?” Jamie said as he let her lead him into the dim room.

  “You’ll see.”

  Rows of seats curved around one side of the small room, and in front of them was a half-circle area on the floor. She threw the pillows down there and carefully, with her dress pulled up, sat on the carpet.

  He looked at her, then up at the rows of empty seats. “You’re kidding, right?”

  She shook her head, a big grin on her face. For the first time, she felt at home. Grabbing his hand, she yanked him down beside her.

  “Prop your pillow up on this little ledge like this,” she instructed. “It gives you a headrest.”

  He arranged his pillow, then stretched out on his back. As soon as he got comfortable next to her, the lights went out and a voice spoke to them on the loudspeaker.

  “Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the Oceanview Planetarium. Tonight we’re going retro, featuring the classic rock bands Journey and Boston. I see that a few of you have been here before and know that the best seats are on the floor in front. Enjoy the show!”

  Jamie turned to her and whispered, “You’ve obviously been here before.”

  “Um, yeah. When I lived here I came all the time.”

  “Don’t Stop Believin’” was the first song, and the red laser beam appeared in the darkness and spelled out JOURNEY above them. Then little squares of blue, green and red filled the “sky,” moving around in unison with the music. But nothing was more amazing than Jamie’s face as he watched in complete fascination. So enthralled was he that he didn’t notice her watching him for the entire song and into the next one.

  She leaned over and whispered, “Well? Do you like it?”

  He nodded, still watching above, and his hair tickled her nose. His cologne was a mixture of musk and masculinity. She closed her eyes and inhaled. When she opened them, she found him staring at her, the blue and green lights playing off his skin.

  She instinctively moved back. She was sure, even in the reflection of lights, that he could see the glow of her blush.

  He looked back at the laser show. “It’s like Spirograph come to life.”

  His arms were above his head, stretching the white material of his shirt tight against his muscles. She forced herself to look up, commanded herself to keep watching the show. Everything brought back warm, wonderful memories of her former life. The smell of the room, the rustle of people as they moved in their seats or slipped down to the floor to join them. But getting lost in the music had never felt like this before, not with Jamie lying beside her. It surrounded her, wrapped itself around her like a hand wrapping around hers, fingers tightening around her own…

  She jerked out of her trance and realized that it wasn’t just the music. Jamie had taken her hand into his. She didn’t dare look at him, didn’t move. All she could do was concentrate on the tingling feeling that felt like a thousand bubbles moving up her arm, straight to her stomach. She swallowed hard, trying to dispel the sudden dryness in her throat. It was a full five songs later before she realized she’d had her eyes closed.

  She had laid on the floor of a planetarium before, next to a man. And he had taken her hand and held it. But it didn’t feel like this. Jamie’s hand tensed then loosened, so subtly that if she hadn’t been concentrating, the movement would have slipped by unnoticed. The power of his touch, the significance of the gesture. And the effect of the purel
y physical aspect of it. She was lost in it all, wanting to touch him more, afraid to move for fear he might pull away.

  When the last song finished, he stood and stretched before she could see his face. Her hand still felt warm and moist, but the cold air started to chill it. Only giving her his profile, he reached down and offered his hand again, this time to help her to her feet. As soon as she got her balance, he let go and started moving toward the door.

  Three younger women looked at Jamie with appreciative glances, and speculative glances at her. They managed to situate themselves between him and Hallie, and he held the door open for them to walk through. The three smiled sweetly and thanked him, but Jamie was watching her, waiting for her to walk through the door. In those blue eyes of his, she couldn’t read a thing. Not one emotion seeped to the surface, not one clue to his thoughts and feelings.

  He was quiet on the drive back to Los Almeda, and she spent the entire trip weighing whether silence was good or bad. He could, on one hand, be thinking about their future… rethinking his feelings about her. That thought made her soar inside. But she had to take the alternative into consideration, too. Perhaps he was chastising himself for letting the music and different surroundings woo him into an unguarded mood.

  The house loomed large and eerie in the clear night, the blue moonlight reflecting off the grey paint. By the time they had parked the car and let the garage door slide noiselessly closed, she was a bundle of tension. He walked a few inches ahead, his face hidden with the distance.

  Maybe it was the tension exploding inside her. Maybe it was the full moon. She didn’t know exactly what possessed her, but she took one of the pillows she carried and slammed it into the back of his head. The complete surprise on his face, coupled with the sight of disheveled hair sticking straight up made her start giggling helplessly. She doubled over, leaving herself defenseless when he grabbed the pillow and whipped her across the backside with it.

  She let out a scream and giggle, then rushed him with the other pillow. He put his arm up in defense, and she flung the pillow across his stomach. He narrowed his eyes and tilted his head in challenge, then started for her. Her laughter, combined with delight at having altered his mood, kept her in a fit of laughter, but she managed to dodge him.

  “You’re just a little wench tonight, aren’t you?” he said after missing her.

  “No, I’m just trying to have fun!” she yelled from a safe distance. “Don’t you ever have fun, Jamie DiBarto?”

  He crossed his arms. “Not with you.”

  She bit her lip, laughter dying in her throat. How right he was. She tucked her pillow under her arm and headed toward the front doors—and was caught completely off guard when the pillow came crashing against the back of her head. Before she had a chance to retaliate, or even turn around, he had slipped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her against his hard body.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispered beside her ear. His breath felt soft and warm against her neck, but still she shivered. “I didn’t mean that. We did have fun once.”

  She turned around in his embrace, and he moved backward. “We could have fun again, Jamie.”

  He laughed softly, running his finger down her jawjaw line and tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “I bet we could. But I don’t want that anymore.”

  “You think I’m talking about sex, don’t you? A romp in the hay. A sweaty, heavy breathing session in bed, a dance between the sheets.” She shook her head. She wasn’t talking about that, was she? No, no. “Fun, like we had tonight. Yes, even the opera part. Walks on the beach, skiing, shuffleboard, anything.”

  “Only if you wear that dress.”

  “Only if you wear that tuxedo.”

  They stood in silence for a moment, a comforting aura settling around them. An orchestra of crickets started a stirring harmony nearby. He reached out and took her chin in his fingers.

  “Shuffleboard? I’d like to see you play shuffleboard.”

  “Name the time and the place, honey, and I’ll be there.”

  “In that dress?”

  “Or out of it. Uh, I mean, in something different.”

  This time he stepped closer, and she had the urge to step back. My, but her Freudian slips were going to get her into trouble yet. Jamie’s fingers trailed down her throat and chest over the shiny fabric.

  “Now that’s an interesting picture, you playing shuffleboard in the nude. I’ll bet even you haven’t done that.”

  She tilted her face up to his, feeling a strange tightness swirling in her middle. “You’d win that bet. Of course, you’d have to play in the buff, too.”

  He clucked his tongue. “Too bad we don’t have a shuffleboard court on the grounds. I’d take you up on that offer.”

  “I made some other offers, too.”

  He looked up thoughtfully, scratching his chin. “Oh, yes, a romp in the hay, or a sweaty, heavy breathing session in bed.”

  “No, I believe those were walks on the beach and skiing. That other stuff comes later.” But that wasn’t what her body was saying, darn it.

  With a swoop, his fingers twirled her hair up and held it pinned on top of her head. Her heart started beating faster, wondering if he would dare kiss her, hoping he would.

  “I’m almost tempted to take you up on at least two of those offers, but I would hate myself in the morning, and I’d probably hate you, too.” He kissed her lightly on the nose. “Let’s just leave it as it is.”

  He turned and dug in his pocket for the keys. She stood behind him and resisted the urge to run her fingers through that soft-looking hair, pull him back and tell him he was wrong. And ask him exactly which offers he was tempted to take her up on.

  He opened the door and let her walk in first. It was past midnight, but she still wasn’t ready for the night to end. She had built a few steps over that great big chasm between them and was aching to close more of the distance.

  “Good night, Hallie,” his soft voice called through the dark hallway. He took the stairs two at a time until he reached the top, closing the door firmly behind him.

  “Good night,” she called to the emptiness. Then she slowly walked up the stairs and into the room she inhabited. The bags of clothes she had bought that afternoon were stacked against the wall by the dresser.

  She stood in front of the bathroom mirror, brushing her long hair, thinking. A stranger looked back at her, a beautiful stranger who moved as she did. When she closed her eyes, she still saw the girl with unruly curly-Q hair, brown eyes, and a figure no man would drool over. Especially not a man like Jamie. But she would never have hurt him like his wife did.

  The sound of soft footsteps brought her attention to the hallway. It looked quiet. Jamie’s door was still closed. She couldn’t explain it, but his room felt empty. Curious, she stepped into the hallway and slipped down the stairs. There wasn’t a sound anywhere in the house, save for a faint ticking of a clock.

  She crept through the family room to the French doors that lined the terrace. The door was unlocked, and she opened it and slipped through to the terrace that overlooked the pool. There she found him, swimming through the shimmering blue water. Jamie, fighting his demons in churning water. She hoped they would win and overpower that stone wall he had erected around his heart.

  She had been wrong that day he had run up to this very terrace to see if she was all right. Wrong when she had yelled that he didn’t have a heart. He did, and she had felt it that night in the dark, surrounded by laser beams and love songs. Oh, how she wanted to tell him the truth, that she wasn’t Hallie at all, or anything like her. He would never believe her, of course. He would send her to the Sharp Rehabilitation Center where they would electrocute Chris from her soul. Would Jamie tell the orderlies to keep Mick away again?

  She shivered at the thought of the man who scared her so much. Never before had she seen such intensity in a man’s eyes. Except maybe in Jamie’s, but that was a different kind of intensity. His was a determination to keep hims
elf clear and far from her. Mick’s was a fierce desire to hold her close and crush her. His threat also floated back to her in the cool breeze. Remember what I did to that other guy who thought he could steal you away!

  She imagined Mick appearing out of the shadows and dropping some electrical appliance into the pool. Or maybe jumping in, taking Jamie by surprise and drowning him. This time the shiver that shook her was violent.

  She watched the shadows, now seeing them move and shift like a man’s shadow would. Fearing for Jamie’s safety, she remained watching over him. Not until he lifted himself, exhausted, from the pool did she back up toward the doors and slip inside. Then she waited in her room until she heard him walk up the stairs, his breathing heavy. Only then did she fall back on her pillow and close her eyes, willing sleep to take her away.

  Jamie took a hot shower, then sat down in the upstairs living room, knowing sleep was miles away. He turned on the television, but his thoughts were far from the images on the screen. Two things bothered him about that evening. Actually three, and the last one bothered him immensely.

  First, Hallie had said that she’d gone to the planetarium when she lived in Oceanview. On the way out he’d noticed a brass dedication plaque citing a date of two years earlier. One year past the time she had lived there. He saw no reason for her to lie about it. His frown deepened. Unless she had gone there with Mick, or whoever else caught her fancy. But why did she take him there? And why did she remember that place when she’d forgotten most everything else about her past?

  The second thing that bothered him was the distinct feeling that he was being watched while he was in the pool. His state of mind had been far from normal, but the feeling of another presence was strong. Even with the full moon, there were enough trees and shrubs for someone to hide behind. The word paranoia came to mind.

  The third thing, the one that bothered him most, was that he’d actually had a good time. Dinner was strange, what with her choosing things she never liked before. The opera was, well, better than he thought it would be. But the laser show, that was something special.