The New York City Bartender's Joke Book

by Jimmy Pritchard

  The drunk coughs, sputters, spits out some water, and says, “No! Are you sure this is where he went under?”

  Yeshiva University’s rowing team cannot, no matter how hard they try, win. In a word, they suck. So the university sends the captain of the team to Harvard to scout their rowing team to learn and see what they are doing wrong. After three weeks, he comes back and says to the coach, “I figured out what we were doing wrong!”

  “Great!” says the coach. “What did you find out?”

  “There are eight men rowing and only one man yelling!” says the captain.

  Why does the Easter Bunny give away

  Easter eggs?

  He doesn’t want anyone to know he’s

  fucking chickens.

  A woman walks into a bank, goes up to the teller, and says, “I want to open a fucking savings account!”

  The teller blinks and says, “Excuse me?”

  “I said,” the woman says, “I want to open a fucking savings account!”

  “You are very rude,” says the teller. “There is no need to use that kind of language.” With that, she goes and gets the bank manager.

  The bank manager comes back with the teller and asks the woman, “What seems to be the problem?”

  “Look,” the woman says, “I just hit the lottery for ten million dollars and I just want to open up a fucking savings account!”

  The manager looks at the teller and then at the woman and says, “And this bitch is giving you a hard time?”

  What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?

  Sexual harassment.

  What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?

  $3.99 a minute.

  Did you hear about the Alabama quarter? It’s two nickels and a dime, glued together.

  Kentucky changed its state motto to…

  Welcome to Kentucky: fifteen million people, ten

  last names!

  Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?

  Because everybody who can run, jump,

  and swim is already in the U.S.

  How can you tell when a Mexican woman

  has been sucking cock?

  She spits out feathers.

  Hear about the Polish gang member who got in a rumble? He pulled out his razor, but couldn’t find anywhere to plug it in.

  Why did God give women one more brain cell

  than horses?

  So they won’t shit during parades.

  Why did God give men one more brain cell

  than dogs?

  So they won’t hump women’s legs

  at cocktail parties.

  A 2002 white stretch limousine pulls up to a stoplight right next to a 1955 Oldsmobile 98 Starfire, mint condition. The man in the back of the limousine pushes a button and his window rolls down.

  He says to the Oldsmobile driver, “Hey, nice car.”

  The guy in the Olds says, “Thanks. I have a TV in here, cable ready.”

  Not to be outdone, the man in the limo says, “I have a TV, a VCR, and a satellite dish.”

  “I have a microwave oven,” says the guy in the Olds.

  “I have a convection oven with a full-time chef,” says the man in the limo.

  “I have a four-poster brass bed!” the guy in the Olds says as the light changes and he takes off.

  Furious, the man in the limo picks up the phone and calls his driver. “James, I want you to take this limousine to the customizing shop and have them install a four-poster brass bed with a canopy, a bearskin rug, and a fireplace. I don’t care what it costs and I want it tomorrow!”

  The next day, with the limousine the way he wants it, the man goes out to look for the Oldsmobile. After four hours of searching, he finally finds the Olds parked on the side of the road with all its windows fogged up. He gets out of the limo and knocks on the window of the Olds. No answer.

  He knocks again. Still no answer.

  He knocks on the window a third time, longer and harder. Finally, the window rolls down and the guy in the Olds shouts, “What the hell do you want?”

  The man from the limousine says proudly, “I just put in a four-poster brass bed with a canopy, a bearskin rug, and a fireplace!”

  The guy in the Oldsmobile looks at the man angrily and says, “You got me out of the Jacuzzi to tell me that?”

  Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4, 000 stereo in it!

  A blonde wanted to change her image, so she decided to buy a new car that would set her apart from all other blondes. At the car dealer, she was about to give up when she spotted a beautifully restored Jaguar XK-140 convertible. She bought it on the spot.

  She drove it off the lot and headed for the country, her long blonde hair flowing in the wind, and music blaring from the radio. It was a gorgeous day.

  Then, all of a sudden, the engine conked out and the Jaguar slowly coasted to a stop. She turned the key, but the car wouldn’t start. Knowing her limitations, she called Triple A auto club and waited for the tow truck. After ten minutes the truck arrived and the mechanic asked, “What seems to be the problem?”

  “Well,” said the blonde, “It just sputtered and stopped.

  “Let me take a look,” said the mechanic, and after fifteen minutes the engine was purring like a cat again.

  “Thank goodness,” said the blonde. “What was the matter?”

  “Simple, really,” said the mechanic. “Just crap in the carburetor.”

  Looking shocked, the blonde asked, “Oh. How many times a week do I have to do that?”

  And speaking of blondes…

  Why do blondes like BMWs?

  Because they can’t spell “Chevrolet.”

  What’s a brunette’s mating call?

  “Has that blonde gone yet?”

  What’s the mating call of a redhead?

  “Next!”

  Do not tell this joke at the dinner table!

  A couple get married and head off to the lake to stay in the honeymoon cabin. The next morning the caretaker of the cabins notices the man fishing from the honeymoon cabin’s dock. Curious, he walks up to him and says, “How’s the fishing?”

  “Great,” says the man, pointing to a bucket with three fish in it.

  “You’re in the honeymoon cabin, aren’t you?” asks the caretaker.

  “Yep,” says the man.

  “Well,” says the caretaker, “it’s none of my business, but shouldn’t you be in there with your bride consummating the marriage?”

  “She has gonorrhea,” says the man.

  “Well,” says the caretaker, “it’s none of my business, but there is always oral sex.”

  “Nope, she has pyorrhea,” says the man.

  “Well, it’s none of my business, but what about anal sex?” asks the caretaker.

  “Nope, she has diarrhea,” says the man.

  “Now wait a minute,” says the caretaker. “It’s none of my business, but if she had gonorrhea, pyorrhea, and diarrhea, why on earth did you marry her?”

  “She has worms, too,” says the man.

  What did the blonde say to the physicist?

  “I love nuclear fission. What do you

  use for bait?”

  What’s the difference between a man

  and a catfish?

  One is a bottom-feeding scumsucker,

  and the other is a fish.

  Why are women like a map of the world?

  Before 16, they are like Africa, unexplored; 16 to 25, like North America, plenty of natural resources with room for western expansion; 25 to 40, like South America, hot and exotic; 40 to 55, like Europe, battle-scarred and worn, but still points of interest; 55 and on, like Antarctica—everyone knows it’s there, but who gives a shit!

  An old man goes to his doctor. “Doc, you have to help me!” he yells.

  “What seems to be the problem?” asks the doctor.

  “Doc,” the old man shouts, “I accidentally pushed my hearing aid in too far. It hurts and I can’t hear a thing.
You gotta get it out!”

  The doctor reaches in his ear with the forceps and pulls out the object. “This isn’t your hearing aid, it’s a suppository,” he says in disbelief.

  “Oh,” says the old man as he turns around and drops his pants. “Could you see if my hearing aid is in here?”

  My college philosophy professor once asked, “If an old man farts and his hearing aid is up his ass, does he hear it?”

  Why are men like laxatives?

  They both irritate the shit out of you.

  What’s the difference between purple and pink?

  The grip.

  Two guys, Chuck and Bob, go duck hunting. Chuck brings his new retriever and can’t wait to show Bob how unique the dog is at retrieving ducks.

  A duck flies over, Bob shoots it, and the duck falls in the water. Chuck sends his dog to retrieve it. The dog walks on top of the water, gets the duck, and walks on top of the water back to the duck blind, dropping the duck at Bob’s feet. Bob doesn’t say a word.

  Another duck flies by and Chuck shoots it. The dog walks on top of the water, gets the duck, and walks on top of the water back to the duck blind, dropping the duck at Chuck’s feet. Again, Bob says nothing.

  This goes on all morning—the dog walks on top of the water, gets the duck, and walks on top of the water back to the duck blind, dropping the duck at the feet of whoever shot it. Finally, Chuck can’t take it anymore and asks Bob, “Do you notice anything unusual about my dog?”

  Bob looks at Chuck and says, “Yeah, your dog can’t swim.”

  What’s the difference between a Northern zoo

  and a Southern zoo?

  The Northern zoo has the name of the animal

  and the species in Latin. The Southern zoo has

  the name of the animal and the recipe.

  What’s the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale?

  A Northern fairy tale begins with, “Once upon

  a time…” A Southern fairy tale begins with,

  “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit…”

  A lion is up on a hill screwing the hell out of a zebra. All of a sudden, the lion sees Mrs. Lion coming up the hill. He says to the zebra, “Quick, act like I’m killing you!”

  Two cows are talking. One cow says to the other cow, “Hey, what do you know about this ‘mad cow disease’ they are having over in England? How do you think it will affect us?”

  The other cow says, “I don’t know what you are talking about. I’m a duck!”

  After a few too many, a guy leaves the local pub, sneaks into his house, tiptoes up the stairs into the bedroom, slips under the covers of his marital bed, and starts going down.

  After a while of doing this, all of the beer gets to him and he has to take a piss. He quietly goes to the bathroom and sees his wife sitting on the bowl. Confused, the guy says, “What are you doing here?”

  “Shhh,” the wife says. “You’ll wake up my mother!”

  Two Irishmen walk out of a bar…

  Hey, it could happen!

  Three blondes walk into a bar…

  You’d think one of them might have seen it!

  Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?

  It took her a month to realize she could

  play it at night.

  How are men and parking spots alike?

  The good ones are always taken and

  the ones that are left are all handicapped.

  A midget with a harelip wants to buy a horse. He goes to the nearest horse farm and looks around. The farmer comes over and asks, “Can I help you?”

  “Yeth,” says the midget, pointing to a horse. “I want to thee that horth.” The farmer walks with the midget to the horse.

  “I want to thee it’th mane,” says the midget.

  The farmer picks him up so he can touch the horse’s mane, puts him back down and says, “Anything else?”

  The midget says, “I want to thee it’th eyeth.”

  The farmer picks him up again, shows him the horse’s eyes, and puts him down. “Anything else?” he asks.

  “Yeth,” says the midget, “I want to thee it’th earth.”

  The farmer picks up the midget, shows him the horse’s ears, and puts him back down. “Anything else?” he asks.

  “Yeth,” says the midget, “I want to thee it’th back.”

  At this point, the farmer is getting pissed. He quickly picks up the midget, shows him the horse’s back, and quickly puts him back down. “Anything else?” asks the agitated farmer.

  “Yeth,” says the midget, “I want to thee it twat.”

  Now the farmer is really pissed off. He picks up the midget, lifts the horse’s tail, and shoves his face in the horse’s ass. After a minute, he puts the midget on the ground and says angrily, “How was that!”

  The harelipped midget sputters and spits and says, “Well, that wath fine, but I really want to thee it run and gallop!”

  A midget walks up to a tall blonde in a bar and says. “Hey, what do you say to a little fuck?”

  She looks at him and says, “Hello, you little fuck!”

  What do you get when you cross a pygmy with a whore?

  You get a little fucker this big!

  (use your fingers)

  Why do cavemen pull their women around

  by the hair?

  Because if they pulled them around by their

  feet, they’d fill up with mud.

  How do you change a woman’s mind?

  Buy her another drink.

  What’s a man’s idea of foreplay?

  A half hour of begging.

  A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and notices a horse behind the bar. The horse trots over and says, “What can I get you?”

  The guy asks for a beer. The horse gets the beer, opens it, and brings it to the guy, then trots to the other end of the bar to another customer.

  The guy sips his beer, but can’t take his eyes off the horse. Every time the horse looks at the guy, the guy is looking at the horse.

  This is bugging the horse, so he trots over to the guy and says, “What’s the matter, never seen a horse behind a bar before?”

  “No,” says the guy, “I can’t say that I have.”

  “Well,” says the horse, “Not only am I the bartender, but I’m the owner of this bar as well. I bought it last week. You got a problem with that?”

  “No, no, not at all,” says the guy, “I’m surprised the parrot sold it.”

  Do you know why the big bad wolf

  got arrested?

  One of the pigs squealed.

  What does a snail say while riding on top

  of a turtle?

  “Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

  A snail gets mugged by two turtles. The cops show up and asks him what happened. The snail says, “I don’t know, it happened so fast!”

  A pregnant wife and her husband are in bed. She is reading, he is asleep. The wife wakes up her husband and says, “I want some escargots.”

  The husband says, “What?”

  “Escargots!” she says. “You know, snails! I want some snails!”

  The husband looks at her and pleads, “Ah, come on, honey, the refrigerator is full of food in case you get cravings—pickles, ice cream, sweets, everything you like is in the kitchen. What’s up with the snails?”

  “I want snails!” she screams. “Now!”

  “All right, all right,” the husband says. “But where am I going to get snails this time of night?”

  “There is a gourmet deli,” she says. “Six blocks from here, open all night.”

  The husband gets out of bed, gets dressed, and goes to the deli. He buys a bag full of fresh snails and starts to walk back, but on the way he passes the local pub and sees his buddies in the window, waving for him to come in. He goes in and says he can only stay for one drink.

  Well, you know guys, one drink leads to another, and the next thing you know it is 4 A.M. The guy grabs the bag of snai
ls and runs home.

  At the top of the stairs to the apartment, he drops the bag and all the snails fall out and some roll down the stairs. At that moment, the door opens and the wife yells, “Where the hell have you been?”

  The guy looks at the snails in the hall and down the stairs, then looks at his wife, and with a gesture of his arm he says, “Come on, let’s go, we’re almost there!”

  An old woman is lonely and decides to buy a parrot. She goes down to the only pet store in town and as she walks in the door, a parrot, in its cage near the entrance, says, “Hello.” She thinks that’s wonderful and buys the parrot.

  That night, as she is getting undressed, the parrot says, “Nice legs!” She stops, turns, and looks at the parrot.

  The parrot says, “Nice ass, too!”

  The old woman walks up to the cage and says sternly, “What did you say?”

  The parrot says, “Wanna fuck?”

  The old woman is so incensed that she grabs the parrot by the throat, brings him into the kitchen, opens the freezer door, throws him in the freezer, and closes the door. After twenty minutes, she opens the freezer door and pulls the parrot out and says, “Have you learned your lesson?”

  The parrot, with its whole body shivering and its beak full of frost, says, “Oh, yes, ma’am, I’ve learned my lesson very well and I must apologize that I have offended you with my language and I ask for your forgiveness, but may I ask a question of you?”

  “Yes, you may,” says the old woman, softening a bit. “What is your question?”

  “May I ask,” says the parrot, “what the turkey said to you?”

  A man is flying first class from New York to Los Angeles and is lucky enough to be seated next to a beautiful woman. After takeoff, the woman opens a book that catches the man’s eye. It is a manual about sexual statistics.