Becoming Us

by Allie Everhart

  “Give me the other ones. I’m trying them all.”

  He hands me the other two boxes, then goes and waits in the bedroom.

  I take the tests and get the same result. Negative.

  “I’m so relieved.” I collapse on the bed next to Garret.

  “You should still go to the doctor.”

  “I will. I want a blood test to be absolutely sure.”

  “Not just that. I want you to find out why you’re so late. Make sure there’s nothing wrong.”

  “I’m sure there’s not. My body probably just got off cycle when I didn’t take that pill.”

  “I want you to go first thing Monday morning. I’ll go with you.”

  I agree to it, and a few minutes later I fall asleep. I don’t wake up until one in the afternoon.

  Garret isn’t in bed. I hear the TV on in the living room. The volume is really low, but it sounds like he’s watching a football game.

  I go in the bathroom and close the door. The test sticks are still there, lined up on the counter. I throw them all in the trash. Then I take a long hot shower and get dressed.

  I feel better now that I’ve had some sleep and it’s light out. For some reason, everything seems worse in the middle of the night when it’s quiet and dark. Now it’s bright and sunny and Garret opened the bedroom windows and a cool, fresh breeze is blowing in. I close my eyes and take some deep breaths.

  “You want something to eat?”

  I open my eyes and see Garret standing at the bedroom door.

  “I’ll just have cereal.” I give him a quick hug on my way to the kitchen. “How long have you been up?”

  “Since nine. I had homework for accounting. It’s due tomorrow.”

  “Did you get it done?” I grab a bowl and fill it with cereal.

  Garret gets the milk from the fridge. “Yeah, I finished it.”

  He walks back to the couch and sits in front of the TV. He’s acting strange. Kind of cold and distant.

  I take my bowl of cereal to the couch. “Who’s playing?”

  “The Cowboys and the Chiefs.”

  “You don’t like those teams, do you?”

  He shrugs. “Doesn’t matter. It’s still football.”

  I eat my cereal and he watches the game like I’m not even there. When I’m done eating, I take my bowl to the sink, then come back and sit next to him.

  “You want to do something today?”

  “Not really.” He doesn’t look at me. He just stares at the TV.

  “Why not?”

  “I just don’t.” He turns the volume up on the TV. The announcer says something as the crowd makes booing sounds. “That was a bad call. That guy was totally out of bounds.”

  “Do you want me to leave? You seem really into this game.”

  “Do whatever you want.”

  He’s totally blowing me off and I don’t know why.

  “What’s wrong? Are you mad at me?”

  “I’m just trying to watch the game.”

  I snatch the remote from him and turn the TV off. “Why are you mad at me?”

  “Give me the remote back.” He holds his hand out.

  “No. We’re talking about this. Tell me what’s wrong with you.”

  “Why? Are you saying you don’t like it when I act like this and you don’t understand why? When I don’t tell you what’s going on and you’re left trying to guess?”

  He’s trying to prove some kind of point but I’m not getting it. I’m too out of it from last night.

  “Just say it, Garret. Tell me what’s wrong.”

  “It’s frustrating, isn’t it? When I leave you in the dark, wondering what I’m thinking?”

  “Yeah, it is. So stop this and just tell me.”

  He moves back on the couch and turns to face me. “You’re done hiding shit from me, Jade.”

  “I’m not hiding anything from you.”

  “Oh, really? Because last night you told me you had all these issues you’re dealing with that you haven’t told me about. Me. Your husband. Your best friend. The person you’re supposed to tell everything to.”

  “That’s because I—”

  “And if that’s not bad enough, last night you thought you were pregnant and you went and hid in the bathroom. You didn’t even wake me up to tell me. I had to go in there and find you crying on the floor. And instead of telling me what was wrong, you told me to leave. And when I wouldn’t leave, you made me guess what was wrong. You still wouldn’t tell me. What the fuck does that say about us, Jade?”

  “It doesn’t say anything. I was just scared. I was afraid to tell you.”

  “Why? Why would you be afraid to tell me?”

  I look down at the couch. “Because I thought you’d get mad at me. I was supposed to prevent that from happening and I screwed up.”

  “Why the hell would I get mad about that? Accidents happen. The pill’s not a hundred percent. We have sex all the freaking time. Pregnancy is always a possibility and if it happens, it happens. This may not have been the best time to have a baby but we would’ve made it work.” He puts his hand under my chin and lifts my face up to his. “Listen to me. I would never get mad at you for getting pregnant. And I would never blame you for it. So don’t ever use that as an excuse not to tell me.”

  “It’s not just that.”

  His hand drops from my face and he sits back and waits for me to continue.

  “I couldn’t tell you because I wasn’t ready to. I needed time to think. I was a mess last night. I was scared and panicked and—”

  “Which is why you should’ve told me, Jade. And why you should’ve woke me up as soon as you thought you might be pregnant. You shouldn’t be sitting alone on the bathroom floor crying in the middle of the night when I was right there, just a few feet away.”

  It’s true, and I don’t know why I didn’t go get him. I think it’s more out of habit than anything else. I’m so used to not having anyone that when something like this happens, I shut down and turn into the old Jade. The one who did everything alone. The one who couldn’t count on anyone. I’ve only had one year with the new Jade and 19 years with the old, so sometimes I find myself acting like her again.

  Growing up, I was terrified of making my mom mad and I think I sometimes project that onto Garret. Like he’s going to react like my mom did, and scream at me if I do something wrong. I know he won’t, and yet part of me really did worry he’d get mad at me if I was pregnant.

  “Jade.” He waits until our eyes meet. “I don’t know what else I can do to make you open up to me. I tell you all the time how much I love you and how I’ll always support you and help you in any way I can. But it’s like you refuse to believe me.”

  “That’s not true. There’s just some things you can’t help me with.”

  “Like what?”

  “I don’t know. Just stuff I need to work out in my head.”

  “And you think this stuff doesn’t affect me? You think it has nothing to do with me? You seriously think that?”

  He sounds angry and frustrated. I can tell this has been bothering him for a while, but he hasn’t said anything about it until now. He was probably afraid to because he knows I won’t react well if he brings it up.

  “Jade, ever since we got married, I’ve wanted to talk to you about us having kids. Just talk. That’s it. But I can’t, because I know you won’t talk about it with me. You’ll say you’re not ready to, or that you have to deal with it on your own, or that it has nothing to do with me. But it does have to do with me. I’m part of this decision, Jade, and yet you act like I’m not.”

  “I told you when we were dating that I didn’t want kids. This isn’t a surprise to you. And now I’m starting to change my mind, but I’m not ready to make a decision. I don’t know why you’re rushing me to when neither one of us is ready to have a baby.”

  “I’m not rushing you. I just want you to talk about it. I want us to talk about it together, because this isn’t only about you.
”

  “I know it’s not, but we both have to want kids. I can’t make a decision based only on what you want.”

  “Yes. I know that. And if I knew you really didn’t want kids, I would be okay with that. I could accept that. But I know it’s not true. I know you’re just telling yourself you don’t want them because you’re afraid to have them. And I’m not going to let your fears be the reason why we don’t have a family someday. You can get over your fears.”

  “I’m not sure if I can.”

  “I know you can. I’ve watched you do it. When I first met you, you tried to act like you were so strong. Like you didn’t need anyone. But once I got to know you, I could see you were just acting that way to cover up how scared you were to get close to people. I didn’t understand everything going on with you back then, but when you finally stopped hiding behind your fears and let people in, you were so much happier. And now look at you. Your entire life has changed.”

  I nod, but don’t say anything so he continues.

  “And with the whole med school thing, you were so afraid to let people down. But once you got past that fear and dropped those classes and stopped pursuing something you didn’t even want to do, didn’t you feel better? Weren’t you happier?”

  “Yes. A lot happier.”

  “And don’t you want that happiness to continue? Because it will, Jade. If you stop being afraid and if you deal with whatever’s causing you to have those fears, you’ll be even happier than you are right now.” He moves closer to me on the couch and holds my hand. “If you had no fears about being a mom, does the idea of us having kids make you happy?”

  I take a moment to think about it, but I don’t need to. I know how I feel.

  “Yes.” I look at him. “I love you, and you’re the best husband ever, and I know you’d be the greatest dad ever.”

  “But what about you, Jade? If you set your fears aside and you imagine yourself with kids, how do you feel?”

  I close my eyes and picture it. I’ve done this before but my fears are always clouding the picture. If I let those fears go, it looks different. It feels different.

  “I feel happy.” I open my eyes. “Even last night, when I was thinking about having a baby, part of me was happy about it. Part of me wanted it.” I look away, then back at Garret. “It’s not like I don’t think about this. I do. I think about it a lot. And in my head, I see us all together. You and me and our kids, and it feels right. It makes me happy. But then I see myself actually being a mom and I can’t do it. I panic just thinking about it. And I don’t talk to you about it because you can’t help. And I don’t just mean with the kid thing. I mean with all of it.”

  “How do you know that when you won’t even give me a chance?”

  “It’s not that I—” I stop, not wanting to say it.

  “Jade.” He rubs my hand with his thumb. “Tell me.”

  “The truth is…I don’t want you knowing. I don’t want you knowing what goes on in my head. I don’t want you knowing how hard I have to work to keep the voices from coming back. How hard I have to work to keep the memories from replaying in my mind.”

  “I want to know that stuff, Jade. I’m your husband. I need to know.”

  “I don’t want you to. I don’t want you thinking I’m that same broken girl from last year. Because I’m not. And I’m trying really hard to get past this. I don’t want my mom to affect me anymore. I don’t want her to have that kind of power over me. But then sometimes I feel like she still does and I can’t make it stop.”

  “Jade, you should’ve told me you were going through all this. I want to be here for you but I can’t when you shut me out. I know you say you don’t want help, but dealing with that stuff on your own doesn’t make you stronger. It makes you weaker because you just go in circles and never get past it.”

  I nod and slump down in his arms.

  He wraps them around me and kisses the side of my head. “I love you. And I will do whatever I can to help you get through this. I don’t care if it takes 20 years. Or more than that. I’m not going anywhere. Ever. So don’t ever be afraid to tell me these things, okay?”

  I nod again and wipe my eyes.

  “But, Jade.” He waits until I look at him. “I was serious about what I said last night. I want you to talk to someone. You’ve already tried doing this on your own. Now you need to try letting someone help you with this. Not just me, but someone else. A counselor.”

  “I’ll think about it, but I’m not—”

  “Jade, stop. I know you, and I know you could come up with a thousand excuses for why you shouldn’t go, but I’m asking you to just try it.”

  I sigh. “Fine. I’ll try it.” I sit back and give him my annoyed smile. “You’re just full of advice today, aren’t you?”

  He smiles back. “I can keep it going. We’ve got all day.”

  “No, I need a break. You’re starting to make my head hurt.”

  “You want to go get something to eat? I’m sure that cereal didn’t do much for you.”

  “I could eat something.” I thread my hand with his. “Are you still mad at me?”

  “No, but I will be if you keep shutting me out. We’re going to keep talking about this stuff, Jade. This isn’t a one-time thing.”

  “I know.” I look down at our hands, then back at him. “Can I ask you something?”

  “Go ahead.”

  “When you thought I might be pregnant, were you at all happy? Or were you just freaking out?”

  “At first I was freaking out, but once I got past the initial shock and let it sink in that it could be a possibility, then yes, I was happy. The timing would’ve totally sucked but I knew we could handle it.” He smiles. “And the idea of holding a tiny version of you in my arms made me very happy. Just think how cute she’d be.”

  “What if it was a tiny Garret?”

  “I’d still be happy, but a tiny version of me wouldn’t be nearly as cute.”

  “I disagree. I think a baby Garret would be very cute.”

  He hugs me into his side and kisses my head. “Maybe someday we’ll find out.”

  “Yeah. Maybe.”

  10

  GARRET

  Finally. Jade and I finally had a real conversation about kids. And about all the other stuff she’d been hiding from me.

  I feel like we made real progress today. And it all started with Jade thinking she’s pregnant. I still can’t believe that happened. We were having such a great weekend and then all of a sudden, it switched course, heading down a completely different track.

  But it ended up being good. We need to work on this stuff now and not wait. I feel like this was a huge step in moving our relationship forward. If Jade can finally deal with all the shit that holds her back, that holds us both back¸ we’ll be even happier than we are now.

  I always told myself I wouldn’t push Jade to deal with stuff, but last night I’d had enough. When she hid in the bathroom and wouldn’t tell me what was going on, I was pissed. I didn’t think I was at the time. I was too focused on trying to figure out what was wrong with her. But later, when I thought about it, I was so angry at her. She thinks she’s pregnant and she doesn’t tell me? Her husband? What the hell?

  And then when she acted like she wanted to get rid of it, I almost lost it. I seriously almost blew up at her. Luckily that’s not what she meant, but then, when she told me she was going to leave the baby with me and disappear, I almost lost it again. It took everything in me not to scream at her and ask her what the fuck is wrong with her. You don’t just up and leave because you’re scared to be a mom.

  After she said that, I knew I couldn’t sit on the sidelines anymore. I couldn’t wait for her to come to her own conclusion that she needed help. Professional help. If I continued to do nothing, I’d be spending the next few years watching Jade self-destruct. And I won’t do that. She may hate me for making her see a counselor but I don’t care. She’s doing it. She’s going to battle these demons from he
r past once and for all. I know that won’t happen overnight. It’s a process and it may take years, but like I told her, I’ll never give up on her. I love her and I want her to have a full and happy life, but she’ll never have that unless she deals with all the stuff from her past.

  After our talk, Jade and I go out for a late lunch. When we get back, we take a walk on the beach. We go for about a mile, then turn around. As we’re walking back, we see our neighbors, the ones who live in the house that was robbed. They look like they’re in their fifties. Jade and I have never met them before. I’ve never even seen them before today.

  “Hey.” I wave at the guy. His wife didn’t see us. When I waved she was already going inside the house.

  The guy waves back at us.

  “Let’s go talk to him,” I say to Jade.

  We walk over there and the man comes up to me. “Are you one of my neighbors?”

  “Yeah, we live in that one down there.” I point to our house.

  “I’ve seen you a few times on the beach. I wasn’t sure if you lived here or were just visiting someone. I’m David.” He shakes my hand.

  “I’m Garret. And this is Jade.”

  He notices how young we are and gives us this look like he’s trying to figure out our story.

  I help him out a little. “We got married in July. We both go to Camsburg.”

  He smiles at both of us. “It’s a good school.”

  “Yeah, it is. So do you live here year-round?”

  “No, we just come here in the summer and a few weekends during the year. This is our vacation home. We like the area. It’s quiet. Safe.”

  “Yeah, we thought so, too, until the robbery. But we’re hoping it was just an isolated incident.”

  “There was a robbery?” He tenses up. “When did it happen?”

  I’m confused. He doesn’t know his house was robbed?

  “Labor Day weekend,” I tell him.

  “Who was robbed?”

  I look at Jade, then back at the guy. “Did you just buy this place?”

  “No, I’ve owned it for 20 years.”

  “And you weren’t robbed over Labor Day weekend?”