Hope (Things That Matter Book 2)

by Casey Diam

  “How are you planning to bribe her?”

  I closed the door behind us and removed my shoes at the door. “Honestly, I’m just hoping she likes my smile and takes pity on me.”

  And a ton of pity, because if she decided to help me with Connor, I would need her to help me with Brad as well. I had to know if he was really my brother. And, at this point, it would be stupid to go to the cops asking for favors without any proof of Alex Connor’s wrong doings.

  “I would wish you all the luck, but you won’t need it. That smile had me taking off my underwear in days.”

  “If I remember correctly, you weren’t the one taking them off,” I teased, my eyes meeting the blatant desire in hers, and I knew I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have reminded her about the us from before if I wasn’t planning to follow through on it, but it was as if I couldn’t fucking help it. “You should date someone.”

  What the fuck? What the fuck did I just say?

  “What?”

  “Nothing,” I said, but it was too late.

  “Um...okay.” She turned and headed to the bedroom.

  And fuck me...literally because I’m so fucking horny, and I want her. I fucking need her.

  “I didn’t mean that,” I said, following her as she walked into the small closet.

  “It’s clear you aren’t interested in me anymore. It’s fine. I’ve seen it. I’ve been seeing it for days. You don’t need to pretend or console me, Caleb. We’re adults, and I knew what I was getting myself into when I slept with you. It’s no big deal.”

  She was lying. It was a big fucking deal.

  “I just...” I started but stopped, two seconds shy of charming her because I was fucking horny and needed a release, but that was the wrong answer. This was Paige, and she was special to me. “There are things that need to be resolved, and we’ll just be a distraction to each other.” Even my reasoning sounded like the sorry excuse it was, because I was so fucking interested in her.

  “As I said, you don’t have to console me.”

  For fuck’s sake.

  Her defiance only tugged on my willpower, persuading me into the direction I didn’t want to go.

  The blood drained from my head and settled into the one closer to gravity that required less thinking. Turning around, I marched to the bathroom and flicked on the shower, needing to shock away the constricted heaviness inside my briefs before it ended up deep inside her.

  For years, sex had been my go-to. The only thing that kept me sane. It was a hobby—a fucking hobby. If Alex Connor had me do some stupid shit I didn’t want to do, if he punished me, if I had a bad day, sex was always the answer. And Paige, she didn’t know that guy. I looked in the mirror.

  And, right now, this guy.

  I peeled my shirt off and tossed it on the floor and then unbuckled my pants, throwing it and everything to the side until I was naked from head to toe.

  As I walked to the tub, I caught sight of my raging hard-on and paused. Wrapping a fist around it, I squeezed and then glanced at the closed door.

  When was the last time I even masturbated?

  I worked my palm over my cock in light strokes as I walked to the vanity, where I had a bottle of lotion. Squirting some into my hand, I switched on the shower and stepped under the spray, hoping that, one day, I could get back to a place where I could slide in and out of the girl on the other side of this door.

  A few minutes later, I lay on the couch and started to watch the old footage from the surveillance cam I’d placed in Alex Connor’s office. Not Dad. Never Dad. My boss’s office. It was going to take me some time before I could figure out which of his other men had access to the vault beneath his office. And, since I’d already removed the camera, not wanting to risk it being found, I hoped what I needed to get in there was on these feeds because it might be the answer to all my questions.

  When my eyes grew tired, I walked over and stood by the bed where Paige lay. The building lights outside the window cast a subtle beam over her. She was on her stomach, and judging from her soft, steady breaths, she was asleep.

  I kept my mind from drifting back to the previous night because I knew the chunk of stone in Brad’s chest well enough not to wonder what he would have done to Paige had he succeeded in snatching her from the streets. They’d wanted to kill her, but if he was trying to capture her, something had changed, and that just made everything so much worse. If only I could lock her inside until all this shit got resolved, but I knew what it felt like to be locked inside, to be a prisoner in one’s own house, and because of that, I could never make her feel trapped.

  As Alex Connor’s very own trained predator, I lay next to her without so much as a dip in the bed, and then I persisted to reason what I couldn’t before.

  “We’re both damaged, and for that reason, we can’t fix each other. Right now, I can only try to help you get better and hope what I do from here on out will be the right thing. You were right before, by the way, when you said I was scared, but you don’t know half the shit I’ve done, half the shit I’ve been through, that Connor and his men have put me through, and if you did, I’d bet you wouldn’t be able to stand the sight of me. I can barely stand the sight of myself sometimes, and I see the way you look at me now.” I bit my lip, picturing her round blue eyes glinting with disappointment the night she’d watched me almost pull the trigger on Tom.

  “The way you look at me has already changed because you’re starting to see the other side of me. I’m sorry I called you out for talking to Miller when I’m so much worse. I might not be a cheater, but still, I’m worse, and that is why I have to fight everything in me that’s pushing me toward you. You deserve much more than Alex Connor’s son. You deserve everything, Paige, and I can’t give you that.”

  I wish I could.

  I shifted slowly and leaned forward to press a soft kiss on her cheek that wouldn’t wake her, and how contradicting because all I wanted was for her to feel every fucking part of me.

  Chapter Five

  Paige

  “How are you today?” the psychiatrist asked, her British accent more prominent than it had seemed when I had scheduled my appointment over the phone.

  She looked about forty-something, and her chestnut hair was scooped into a clip at the back of her head. Her face held a touch of makeup, but there was a natural glow about her.

  Caleb had recommended her to me, and I’d decided it would be simpler than trying to find one for myself. It was even better since she could fit me in on such short notice.

  She leaned back in a chair to my right, and her positioning threw me off. My previous therapist always sat behind a desk.

  So, even several feet away from me, and it felt like she was in my personal space. “I’m fine,” I managed, still shifting and fidgeting.

  “Would you prefer I sat behind the desk? I don’t want this to be so formal that I sit and write down unnecessary information every few seconds. There isn’t a right or wrong way for me to help you, but I do want you to be as comfortable as possible. If anything is bothersome, please tell me. I’m here for you, so if I’m staring at you too long, please say, ‘Marian, look away. I can’t. I just need a break.’ Whatever you need.”

  “Thank you.” I had been planning to force myself to do this because I knew I needed to, but I already liked Marian. “Where you’re sitting is fine,” I answered. “And I guess I’m feeling okay.”

  “What do you do for a living?”

  It was a nice, non-threatening question. I had expected that, and it put me at ease a little.

  “I work in a bar some nights as a barback, and I also work at a gym.”

  “And you’re in college?”

  “Yes.”

  “What are you studying?”

  “I’ve just finished my second year, so I’ve only been taking the general education requirements. I have no idea what I want to major in.”

  “On a scale of one to ten with one being the least, how satisfied are you wit
h the way you live your life right now?”

  Wow, that’s a jump.

  I paused, thinking her question over. “If you’d asked me that question about a month ago, I would have said three. Now, I think it’s a six.”

  “And what’s changed that for you?”

  I threaded my fingers together. “A guy. Sad but true.”

  “What is his name?” Marian asked, crossing her legs and adjusting the way her forearms rested on the armrest.

  “Caleb.”

  “And you’ve known him for a month?”

  “Yes,” I confirmed. “But it’s different with us. With him.”

  “How so?”

  “He knows things about me. Things that people who’ve known me for years still don’t know. I have basic work connections, but it never goes beyond that. I always feel the need to hide”—the demons inside, a voice whispered in my head—“the effects of what happened five years ago. I guess, in a way, I feel like I’m protecting them.”

  “Protecting them from what?”

  “From everything that incapacitates me. From a problem that isn’t theirs to bear.”

  “But it’s different with Caleb?”

  I nodded. “He saw right through me from the start. Before him, I hadn’t felt comfortable enough to have the kind of friendship I have with him with anyone else. He makes me feel like I’m not alone. Recently, he’s been introducing me to his friends, and it’s strange, but I feel comfortable with them. I still don’t understand why.”

  “When we keep people out for a while, it makes it harder to let anyone in, but once we let someone in and see they can be trusted, it becomes that much easier to let someone else in, especially if it’s someone your friend also deems to be trustworthy.”

  That made sense. Caleb trusted those guys to look out for me when he couldn’t. There was no way I would feel comfortable around them otherwise.

  “Five years ago, you were diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety disorder, and you received treatment for three years but stopped when you turned eighteen. Do you believe those treatments helped you?”

  I shook my head. “I was still in denial.”

  “That’s understandable. Is that the reason you discontinued treatment?”

  “My treatments were being paid for by the parents of the people who’d allegedly kidnapped me. I thought the treatments were the reason they’d removed me from the ward and placed me in a community home, so I went along with it until I was eighteen. After that, I was kind of okay for a while because I’d stopped thinking about the past, and by the time I realized how much worse I was getting, I didn’t have the money to get help. I self-treated by staying away from the things that triggered it. Alcohol. Caffeine. My memories. Only everything changed this last month, and I can’t control it like I used to.”

  “This past month? The same time you met Caleb?”

  “Yes.” I nodded. “Even though we didn’t know it at the time, it appears that our lives have been tangled in ways we are still trying to figure out, and this means I’ve had to think a lot more about the past. I even went back to the mansion, and as brief as it was, I couldn’t handle it.”

  I didn’t want to discuss my most recent days; it was complicated and unresolved, but it was all Marian had me talk about in my first session. She also made some other suggestions on how I could naturally improve my psychological state, which I was all for. I hated pharmaceuticals, but when she wrote me a few prescriptions, I slipped them into my jeans pocket just in case I needed them.

  “How was that?” Calvin asked as I got into his cigarette smoke–infused car.

  “Not too bad, I guess. I just feel raw and disgusted.”

  “Yeah? Don’t like spilling your guts?” he taunted.

  Leaning my head on the headrest, I sighed. “Nope.”

  “How about hanging with new friends and furniture shopping for the new pad?”

  “Aren’t we moving the stuff from the other apartment there?”

  It was move-in day at the new condo, which meant lots of furniture assembly and moving around. It was perfect. I didn’t want to think about anything at all.

  “Nah. Caleb wants that place to stay like that.”

  There was no point in wondering why when it came to Caleb, so I conserved the energy.

  “By friends, I’m assuming Lisa, Amber, and the guys?”

  “Yep, we can grab your stuff from the apartment first and then meet everyone else at the furniture store. Rob’s getting a moving truck, so it should be easy-peasy. We’ll be done in no time.”

  Out of curiosity and since I was about to become a constant in these girls’ lives, I asked, “How long have you known Lisa?”

  “About ten years. Pretty much since the first day she moved here from Costa Rica with her folks.”

  “Have you guys ever dated?”

  “No. Gross.” His head turned, and he saw my frown. “It isn’t that I don’t find her attractive, she’s gorgeous, but she’s more like a sister to me.”

  “But Amber isn’t?”

  “No.” He rolled his shoulder and leaned his head in a stretch from one side to the next.

  “So, you and Amber have dated?”

  He let out a breath, his discomfort with the topic apparent. “No.”

  “Do you trust her?”

  “No. But I’m guessing you’re asking because you’re looking for a replacement for your shitty bartending pal. If you are, Lisa’s your girl.”

  My thoughts drifted to Caleb because, though I no longer held his interest, he still had mine. Looking through the window as we approached the neighborhood for the last time, I asked, “Has Caleb ever dated Amber or Lisa?”

  Calvin quieted for a moment. “He’s my best friend, Paige.”

  “I know. I was just curious, but your lack of an answer answered my question.”

  “No, it didn’t. If it’s something you want to know, you should ask Caleb.”

  “I would,” I confessed, “but things are different between us now.”

  ❧

  For some reason, I’d thought the condo was a three-bedroom place, but it had four bedrooms with three and a half baths. My room and Caleb’s each had a private bathroom, but Calvin’s room on the other side of the unit shared a bathroom with the other room, which I assumed would become a guest room.

  It took us three and a half hours and four stores to pick out furniture, and getting it from the truck to the thirteen-floor condo was as fast as Calvin had predicted. Then again, there were five strong dudes carrying as much as Amber, Lisa, and I could carry, combined.

  The last things to be carried into the apartment were six large pizza boxes and two liters of soda, courtesy of Ryan, who was insanely hot just like the rest of Caleb’s friends. So, while the boys were lifting the heavy furniture, Amber and Lisa weren’t the only ones drooling at all the muscles flexing around us. I wasn’t even boy crazy, but damn, if this was the life I had to look forward to, then I had nothing to complain about. Though, the most important thing of all was that I felt safe with them around.

  The guys opened the four new balcony chairs inside and offered them to us while they occupied a space on the floor with the pizza boxes centered in the middle of the circle we’d formed. None of us spoke, only hummed in delight as we stuffed our faces with the first couple of slices of greasy goodness.

  “Oh my God, this is so fucking good,” Ryan marveled. “Forget that need I was talking about, Amber. I think it’s been fulfilled.”

  “You two at it again?” Calvin asked without looking up.

  Ryan jerked his head. “Oh yeah, she can’t get enough of my—”

  “Got it.” Calvin cut him off.

  Amber remained quiet, and I stared at her for a moment. It was hard to get a gist of the type of person she was. Lisa was bubbly and friendly, both drunk and sober. Amber, on the other hand, was more reserved when she was sober but loud when she was drunk. I wondered back to Lisa telling me about Amber’s crush on Caleb and not only
that, but things were always awkward between Amber and Calvin too, like they also had a history beyond friendship. And then with Ryan...Was she only sleeping with other guys until she could get Caleb, or was she doing it to try to make him jealous? Did she like him that much? Did Caleb like her like that?

  Amber was also blonde. Maybe he liked blondes. He used to like me.

  At times I felt so welcomed in their group, but I was the outsider. There were secrets among them I wasn’t privy to, making me wonder if I could actually trust them.

  What if they were only putting up with me because of Caleb? I mean, half of them were being paid to be around me.

  Lisa got up from the chair with a slice of pizza in one hand and walked to the breakfast bar. She pulled a long, tightly rolled brown blunt from her bag and waved it as she walked back to us. “Are you sure about that, Ryan? How satisfied are you right now?”

  “Ah, damn it.” Ryan looked at Caleb, and I turned to him in time to see him shrug.

  For hours, I’d avoided looking at him, but with my eyes on him now, I found I couldn’t look away. His biceps were bulging from all the lifting today, and a few veins visibly trailed down his arm to his wrist. My eyes drew upward, over what I knew firsthand was a sculpted torso to the tip of his tongue gliding over his lips. Need stirred in the lower part of my abdomen, and as if sensing my want, Caleb’s head turned and his eyes locked with mine before they swept over me. It was simple yet so compelling that my muscles tensed, and I found myself leaning back into the lounge chair and squeezing my thighs together.

  I wouldn’t give in to what my body wanted, not anymore. Especially after he’d pretty much told me to find someone else. Almost his exact words.

  Chapter Six

  Caleb

  The furniture assembly was going to take much longer than I’d anticipated, but I should have known. When everyone got together, things hardly ever went as planned. Turning to the large quartzite breakfast counter separating the living room from the kitchen, I started to remove the most important device from its box—the coffeemaker.

  “I’ll get my portable speaker,” Calvin said, heading to his room. “There’s also beer in the fridge—”