by Shona Husk
Giles put his drink down. ‘You and Blue is old news. And quite frankly I don’t know how it started.’
‘Hessey.’ Tasker and Rainy said at the same time.
‘Hmmm. He’s making a name for himself and not in a good way. I can’t imagine he’ll stay on the boat after he finishes his training.’ Lovell said. ‘I was on the same watch as him. I swear if we tied him behind the boat he’d still talk.’
‘Last time we sailed the COB’s wife took a lover. We’re all wondering if she’s kept him on a string and is waiting to invite him back once we sail.’ Giles took another sip. ‘He must really love her to turn a blind eye.’
He must, and he must know that the crew knew. She tried to remember the conversations he’d had with her about rumours and realised that in part he might have been referring to his own situation.
‘They have no kids. He could walk away if he wanted.’ Blue drained his drink. ‘Anyone want a refill?’
Rainy looked at hers, it was still half full. Either she got up and went home, or she stayed. It was nice to be out. She checked the time. Would he have checked in yet? Probably not. ‘Yeah. I’ll have another.’ Then she’d call Kurt.
***
After calling his aunt to say he was on his way and booking the navy-paid-for cab, Kurt turned off his phone. He’d thrown some things into a bag and was waiting in his driveway when the taxi showed up.
The driver tried a little bit of talk but Kurt shut him down with the truth.
He didn’t want to be making this trip. That he’d been put off the boat and given a week off during workups bothered him. He’d rather be at work. What was he going to do at home?
What a joke. His hand fisted as anger bubbled up. It had never been home. He’d never been welcome, just a burden. His father had made that clear. He hadn’t even cared that the woman he’d married was dead. But then, he’d driven her away a decade earlier. His mother had moved back to her hometown and found a job at the local day-care centre.
His father’s whole life had been all about himself. And he’d still been miserable.
Surely if he hated his life that much the solution was to make a change?
For a moment Kurt seriously debated catching the flight and not going to the funeral at all. What was the point? They’d never had anything to say to each other. Sydney was his home base where his next of kin was, that was all. He got two free flights a year to see his family, supposedly. In truth he’d used one to go on a 4WD holiday and another to go skiing without actually seeing his father at all.
No, if he was going to skip the funeral he’d go back to his place. Then he could call up Rainy and they could drink and fuck all weekend. That had been his plan up until this morning. Blue and the others would’ve gone out. Had she joined them? He wished he was there. Anywhere but here.
The cab stopped at the airport and he paid with the voucher. One for each trip. The navy had scrambled to make sure he was on this flight. He checked in, and the flight attendant smiled and asked if he’d like to be upgraded.
‘Of course,’ was the only answer.
In the Qantas lounge he ordered a Jacks and dry. He might not be drinking with his friends but he would drink, and he would sleep on the plane. This was the last time his father would be able to mess with his life.
Like his father, he was drinking alone to drown out the world.
No, he wasn’t drinking to get drunk. He’d come off a bad week that was only going to get worse. But he didn’t order another and despite being offered free drinks in business class after he boarded, he put in his earplugs, pulled the blanket over him and went to sleep. Being a submariner meant he’d learned to sleep through almost anything. The next thing he knew it was daylight and he was landing in Sydney on the other side of the country to where he wanted to be.
While waiting for the train, he turned on his phone to check his messages. There were two. One from Rainy and one from Blue.
He listened to Rainy’s first. There was noise in the background, but the sound of her voice was enough to make him wish he was back in the west already.
‘Hi, I hope you have a good trip. I, errr, I’m thinking of you.’ There was a small pause as if she was wondering how best to sign off. ‘I’ll see you next week.’
He needed to check what time his flight got into Perth next week. He hadn’t done that yet. Because of the time difference it was too early to call her. Plus it was Saturday morning after a week of workup; she’d probably be sleeping in.
Next he listened to Blue’s message.
‘Thanks for the key, making use of it as the taxi is cheaper to your place and I can’t face Kylie half hammered.’
Kurt had fully expected that. He’d be very surprised if Blue and Kylie lasted the next deployment. Blue had tried so hard to make it work for the last five months and Kylie threw it all back in his face. He shook his head and put his phone away as the train pulled up.
One week with family he barely knew, and when he went back he’d owe Chief Smith an answer about if he was staying in or getting out.
The people he wanted to be with were on the other side of the country. They had become his family. While staying in was the safe and easy option, it was also where he’d come to belong.
He could run for another two years before he’d be looking at promotion to PO and then he’d be shore-based, no more sea time. He wasn’t going to stay in if he wasn’t sailing. But another two years of submariner pay would be nice, and he was coming up for some shore time, which would give him time to look around for jobs and top up any training he needed.
But that left him and Rainy in a predicament. They still had to get through the deployment, and if they were discovered it would get messy fast. One of them would be sent off the boat at best.
If he stayed in, he had to let Rainy go.
If he wanted Rainy, he had to get out.
He couldn’t face getting out. Not right now. Job security and the good money he was pulling in was important. More important than what he had with Rainy?
He couldn’t answer that. They hadn’t spent enough time together really. He cared enough about her that he didn’t to want to fuck up her first trip on the boat. If they stayed together that is exactly what would happen. Someone would hear or see something. There were no secrets, or at least they weren’t secrets for long.
He leaned against the train window and closed his eyes. If he hadn’t met Rainy he wouldn’t be factoring a relationship into his decision. At what point did they call what they had a relationship anyway? When they had to hide what they were doing from their friends and co-workers it was probably a good indication that what they were doing wasn’t meant to be or meant to last.
They’d had fun. But it had to end sometime. She’d said as much.
It was only supposed to be one night, but he’d pushed for the second date. He wished he’d never gone back to the bar for the first one. Then he wouldn’t be in this mess.
He was sure his father would laugh and remind him how much of a fuck-up he was.
No more. He drew in a breath, not sure he believed that his dad was really dead. He was too mean to die.
His phone rang, and he checked the screen. Aunt Jean. He ignored it. He didn’t want to talk to any of them as he didn’t know what to say. When he got home he’d have to sort out the mess his father had left behind. Exactly what he needed on top of everything else.
It wasn’t the loss of his father that was hurting right now. It was the idea of breaking up with Rainy to save both of their careers. But he didn’t see another way out. He needed another two years before he made the jump back to civvie street.
By then he would’ve done eight in the navy, twice what he’d originally planned. His gut rolled. He hunched further down into the seat. No one sat next to him. He wouldn’t want to sit next to himself.
***
Rainy did her best not to wake up. Her phone was buzzing and the bedroom was light. The light was coming in on the wrong side an
d the bed felt odd. When she rolled over her head protested. There was a distinct probability that she’d drunk a bit too much last night.
She inhaled. The bed smelled of Kurt. His deodorant or shampoo or something. He was in Sydney, he couldn’t be here. Wherever here was. She cracked open her eyes.
She was in his bed.
Her phone went quiet.
Her head throbbed.
She had no memory of driving here.
The shower went on. Oh shit. She wasn’t alone.
She threw back the covers. She was in her underwear, and her clothes were on the floor and the bedroom door was open.
Her heart pulsed in time with her head. She needed water. The shower was still running. Kurt, or someone else? Was the guy he shared with back?
A vague memory of walking out of the bar and getting in a cab surfaced.
She pulled on her jeans; as long as she had her keys, she could walk the few kilometres back into Rockingham to get her car. At least in jeans and a shirt it wouldn’t look like she was doing the walk of shame.
Not that she’d ever really worried about things like that. No guy ever did the walk of shame. No for them it was ‘I got some last night’ … but she hadn’t got any. Of that she was very certain.
The shower stopped running as she dressed. She hesitated for a moment then called out. ‘Kurt?’
‘I make sure you get home safely and you don’t even remember me.’
‘Blue.’ She let out a sigh of pure relief. ‘Wait, what are you doing here?’
She finished buttoning up her shirt and went into the hallway. Tasker was there in a towel. She immediately looked away.
‘I didn’t want to go home and deal with Kylie. Plus, you know, I couldn’t have ridden anyway. You were going to catch a cab back to Freo until I waved Kurt’s key at you.’
‘Right.’ Vague memories were coming back. There might have been some shots involved. They were always bad news.
‘You either need to drink less or practise more if you can’t remember that.’
‘You slept in the other room, right?’
He laughed and walked away. Closing the door to the other bedroom on his way.
Rainy hoped that was a yes. ‘What about the gossip?’
‘What about it?’ he called through the door.
‘You’re enjoying this.’
‘Yes I am.’ The cracked open, he had jeans on and nothing else. ‘I’d kind of forgotten what fun was. So yeah, I am.’
‘And when Kylie hears?’ There was no way she wanted to be the other woman, even if she wasn’t really the other woman.
His smile faded. ‘She makes a point of not going to any navy functions, formal or otherwise. It doesn’t matter what I do, I’m not enough. Don’t worry about her, if she did hear anything she’d add it to the list of things she thinks I’ve done but I haven’t.’ He lifted his gaze and looked at her. ‘Remember while you’re supposedly with me, no one is looking at you and Kurt. You aren’t half as subtle as you think you are.’
‘You know what you’re looking for.’ There was no way anyone else could know. She and Kurt barely spoke a dozen sentences to each other on the boat.
He shrugged. ‘Want to share a cab back to the bar?’
‘I think I’m going to walk.’
‘Don’t make me walk with you.’
‘You don’t have to.’ She was perfectly able to walk on her own. Her phone started ringing again. She pulled it out of her pocket. Sunny. ‘I have to get this.’
‘Sweetlips.’ He made kissy lips at her.
She flipped him the bird as she turned and went back into Kurt’s bedroom. ‘Hey, Sunny.’
‘I need to know, can you babysit tonight?’ Lily called out that she wasn’t a baby in the background.
‘Yes. I’ll be home in a couple of hours.’
‘No rush … but I have a date at seven.’
‘A date?’
‘I accepted an invitation from one of the guys on the dating site.’
Rainy blinked, absolutely stunned. ‘Wow.’
‘I know. Seeing you having so much fun with your cook I thought maybe I should at least try. I thought I’d squeeze in a couple of dates before you sail, to see what it’s like to date again. It’s been ten years. I’m probably so rusty.’ Sunny was rushing, her words tumbling out too fast.
‘I’ll be home to babysit.’
‘Thank you. How was your night?’
‘I’m experiencing the aftereffects.’ She really needed that water … and some food. But there would be no cooked breakfast this morning.
‘Oh. Okay then. I’ll see you when you get here.’ Sunny hung up.
When Rainy looked at her missed calls, she saw Kurt had been trying to ring and it was eleven in the morning. Slightly later than she’d thought, by about three hours.
She closed her eyes for a moment, bracing herself to face Blue again. Then she opened them and walked out of the bedroom. ‘Let me have a coffee and we can share the cab.’
‘I’ve got the machine going.’ He called from the kitchen.
Awesome. This morning she really appreciated that Kurt had a proper coffee machine instead of percolator or instant.
Along with the coffee, which may have had an extra half-teaspoon of sugar in, she drank a couple of big glasses of water. By the time they got a cab she was feeling much, much better. She was even happier to see her car still in the car park. Blue turned back into his usual self and said he’d see her Monday. She wished him good luck with Kylie.
She didn’t understand why he didn’t walk away and be done with it. Plenty of guys never saw their kids. He didn’t need to hang himself to do the right thing.
With her phone in the hands-free cradle, she rang Kurt back. He hadn’t left any messages and after three attempts he seemed to have given up.
It rang, and for a moment she thought it was going to ring out. Then he picked up. ‘Hi, it’s Rainy.’
‘I know, you came up.’ He sounded half asleep. It was only early afternoon in Sydney.
‘Did I wake you?’
‘Yes. I was catching up. I have dinner with my aunts tonight. Did I wake you?’
‘Er, no.’ How did she explain that she’d spent the night at his place? ‘I slept through as it was a late one.’
‘Wish I’d been there.’
‘So do I... um …’ she needed to say it. ‘I caught a cab to your place instead of driving home. I hope you aren’t pissed.’
She could almost hear him processing that information. ‘Blue let you in.’
‘Yeah.’ She didn’t really want to go into the details.
‘The downside of living in Rockingham is it becomes a crash pad.’ He laughed and she knew it was okay.
‘And how is Sydney?’
‘Okay. I guess.’ The reservation was back in his voice and it was followed by a long pause. ‘I’m going to do another two years.’
She bit her lip. Her eyes firmly on the road. She’d been expecting him to get out. But she couldn’t say that. It wasn’t her decision to make and she couldn’t expect to be part of his decision-making process.
‘I’m glad going home helped you decide that.’ Could she keep seeing him if he was still on the boat, still navy? She didn’t want to be leaving someone at home and she wasn’t sure she wanted to be the one at home either.
‘I don’t know if it’s a decision or a default position. But I was tired of thinking about it. I figured if it’s that hard then maybe there is no choice to be made.’ He was quiet for a moment. ‘Maybe we should talk when I get back. It’s …’
‘Getting complicated?’ she filled in. She had an awful feeling about where this was going. Tasker’s warning about she and Kurt being obvious echoed in her head. What if they were and she wasn’t seeing because she didn’t want to?
‘I was going to go with dangerous. We could both get kicked off, it won’t look good on our records and you need to get your dolphins.’ It sounded a lot like he was break
ing up with her on the phone. From the other side of the country, after only one day apart. This was exactly why she didn’t do long-distance relationships anymore. She kept getting her fingers burned.
‘Yeah I do.’ It’s what she wanted. What she’d spent the last six months training for. But that didn’t stop her from wanting Kurt too.
‘Rainy … I don’t want to fuck things up for both of us.’ He sounded tired and miserable, which was only to be expected given that he’d gone home for a funeral.
‘I get it.’ She didn’t want to but she did. The idea that someone would find out about them and she’d be off the boat—because let’s face it, she was a trainee and wasn’t required—was mortifying. News would get around all the boats and then guys would hit on her even though they didn’t want to work with her. The wives would view her with suspicion. She saw everything that she’d worked for start to unravel. ‘We shouldn’t have continued once we knew.’
‘It was good though.’
‘Yeah.’ It had been good. Maybe too good since she’d been willing to risk her career. And for her that’s what it was. He’d get out one day and move on. She wanted to stay in and work her way up. She’d known from the start that what they had, had an expiry date, but that didn’t stop the sting of the break-up from hurting. She swallowed hard.
‘Are you okay?’ How dare he sound concerned.
She drew in a breath. ‘Don’t worry about me.’ She’d be fine. She always was. ‘You have enough to deal with. How are you?’
‘Fine I guess. I wish I was there.’
Me too. But she didn’t say it. ‘I’m almost home. I’ll see you when you get back?’
‘Sounds good … it’s not like we can avoid each other. Still friends?’
That was true. And it wasn’t like she could flick a switch and stop caring. ‘Yeah.’ It was unfortunate that she was friends with his friends, even though it was usual for the young and single to gravitate together.
‘Maybe this will give us the time to get to know each other better.’
She laughed. ‘So it’s not a break-up, just a slow-down?’
‘I don’t know what we had or what to call it, only that we can’t keep doing what we were while we’re on the same boat. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop thinking about you.’