Diving Into Trouble

by Shona Husk

  ‘And who’s your family?’

  Rainy shook her head. ‘Lily, it’s not polite to keep asking questions.’

  He was almost going to tell her the truth, but she was too young and he didn’t want her worrying that her mother would die. ‘My family lives over east, but we aren’t close.’

  And they were family by blood only. His aunts had been nice enough. They had invited him over for dinner, when they could’ve ignored him, and asked about his life. However, it had been that awkward stilted conversation that strangers had when they felt like they had to do the right thing. They had barely hidden their opinion that he’d abandoned his father and was therefore responsible for their brother’s early death.

  Lily looked as though she wanted to ask something else, but she glanced at her mother and went back to eating her dinner.

  This is what a family was. It was what he’d had with his mother. His throat tightened and his body went cold. It was what he’d never have again until he had a family of his own. He glanced at Rainy, but couldn’t sit there without cracking.

  ‘Excuse me.’ He left the table. He only knew where Rainy’s bathroom was, so he went there.

  Her bedroom light was on but the bathroom was dark. He leaned against the vanity and pinched the bridge of his nose. The lump in his throat made breathing hard. He couldn’t keep falling apart like this. It was done. Over, and he couldn’t change it. Yet when he thought he was okay, something would dredge up a memory and make it hurt afresh.

  How did his father’s death have the power to rake up his mother’s and make the loss seem more recent?

  ‘You okay?’

  ‘Yeah.’ He lowered his hand. ‘No. I didn’t even like my father and he sure as hell didn’t like me and yet …’ He wasn’t even sure he could explain it.

  ‘Maybe that’s why it hurts.’ She took a few steps forward and put her arms around him. A simple gesture of comfort that for a moment he just stood and absorbed. ‘You’re allowed to feel the loss.’

  ‘I don’t even know what I’ve lost.’ He leaned against her and slid his arms around her waist.

  She sighed. ‘Should you be making big life changes while you’re grieving?’

  He drew back a fraction so he could look at her. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘You made one choice and changed your mind a few days later. Perhaps you need some time to think things through.’

  Kurt shook his head. ‘I had a week to think. Getting out is the right choice. It feels right.’ He smiled but knew it was a weak attempt. ‘This feels right.’ He kissed her lips. He’d been waiting to do that for days.

  She responded, but the heat he was used to feeling wasn’t there. She drew away first, putting distance he didn’t want between them. ‘We can’t stay here.’

  Kurt released her and stepped away. ‘Of course.’ He wished he’d never said anything to her on the phone. That he’d waited until he was back. At the time it had been one thing to cross off and get off his mind. One less worry.

  How different would it have been if he’d bitten his tongue?

  He looked at her. On the phone she’d acted as though she understood. Neither of them had wanted off the boat; now he was planning on leaving, that danger was gone. They should be okay.

  But she’d made it clear that she didn’t want to leave anyone at home.

  It was also clear she still wanted him. If she said it was over, that she’d got what she needed and she never wanted to see him again, it would have been easy for him to walk away.

  Should he anyway? He could have a girlfriend who didn’t work away, who was always around. That was almost claustrophobic. The trouble was he didn’t want anyone else. He liked Rainy. The way she laughed, the way she worked and the way she’d fitted into his friends without him even drawing her in. She was perfect.

  He followed her through her room and stopped when he saw a pile of magazines on her chest of drawers. He hadn’t taken her for a glossy magazine girl. But they weren’t magazines. They were comics. Buffy the Vampire Slayer comics.

  And some of them were still in their plastic.

  ‘Saving these for deployment?’ He picked up the top one.

  ‘No … maybe one comic if I can fit it in, but they are quick reads.’ She took it off him and placed it back down. ‘I take a couple of big thick books for deployment.’

  ‘Vampire books?’ He didn’t even know what she liked to read, or what music she liked to listen to. He needed to find out.

  ‘Only if they are getting staked.’

  ‘So why Buffy?’

  ‘Because she takes on vamps and monsters and wins. Sunny got me into the TV show and then I was in a comic book store with a few guys while I was living over east and I saw a couple so I bought them. It made me feel less homesick.’

  ‘Fair enough.’ He glanced around her room. It was different this time. Not as tidy. There was clothing draped over the furniture.

  ‘Come on, dinner will be getting cold.’

  ‘I don’t mind.’ And he didn’t feel much like eating either. He wanted to spend more time with Rainy, getting to know her better and convincing her that he was worth taking a risk on.

  ‘I do.’

  He felt the prickles begin to form as she tried to push him away without actually telling him to go. If the last week had taught him anything it was that he needed to fight for what he wanted. That didn’t only apply to the job he wanted or the kind of life he wanted, but to the woman he wanted to share it with. While the long-distance thing still bothered him, he was willing to take that chance for Rainy. And what if he couldn’t convince her to do the same? He wasn’t ready to entertain that thought. Not yet.

  ***

  Rainy didn’t know what to do with Kurt. She wanted to grab him close and never let go with one hand and push him away with the other. The idea of leaving a lover at home while she sailed scared her. She wasn’t ready to leave her heart vulnerable again.

  When she wasn’t around he’d move on.

  He was moving on anyway. She should be happy that he was getting out—and not only because he was going to pursue his dream of being a chef—but because it took some of the complication out of the relationship.

  The relationship that they weren’t having.

  She spent the rest of dinner trying not to think about Kurt, which was really hard given that he was sitting opposite her. Conversation became strained with neither of them knowing what to say. Lily cleared away the dishes and Sunny brought out her tarot cards.

  Rainy hung her head; well, he wouldn’t be interested after this.

  Sunny took the cards out of their velvet bag and gave them a quick shuffle. ‘Have you ever had your cards read, Kurt?’

  ‘Err, no.’

  ‘Excellent.’ Sunny handed him the cards. ‘Shuffle and then cut it with your left hand and put it back together and we’ll see what’s in store for you.’

  Kurt glanced at Rainy, one eyebrow raised.

  Rainy sighed. ‘Just think about the changes you’re thinking about making.’ But she was curious about what the cards would say.

  Sunny’s reading for her had said that everything would be okay as long as she didn’t give into fear. By pushing Kurt away was she giving in? No, that spread had been about the boat, not her love life. She’d survived the gossip and hadn’t given in. And everything had been fine. Sunny was usually accurate, even if Rainy hated admitting that. But then she also thought that hindsight granted her the advantage of applying anything she wanted to the cards meaning. It wasn’t like they were super specific.

  Ooh it’s going to be tough and you will be scared but it will be fine. That could be about anything. And if she’d said that out loud to her mother, she’d have been given a very disappointed look. So she bit her tongue and watched as Kurt shuffled the oversized cards. His fingers keeping them all nice and neat. Maybe the cards were made for men’s larger hands.

  He had nice fingers. There were a few small scars, which she assumed we
re cuts from knives. She knew what his fingers felt like on her body, moving softly over her skin. She glanced away and he handed the cards back to Sunny.

  Sunny placed the top three cards down.

  Ace of Wands. The Hanged Man. Ten of Cups.

  ‘Now is the time for making changes.’

  Gee, like getting out of the navy. Something Sunny already knew. But Kurt wasn’t leaning back, arms crossed in disbelief. He was looking at the cards and listening. Either he was interested in what Sunny was saying or he was trying to look as though he was interested to save her from embarrassment. Either way, she liked that he wasn’t being dismissive of her sister.

  ‘Interesting.’ Sunny nodded to herself. ‘There’s plenty of energy around you. There will be a period of learning and sacrifices though.’

  Kurt nodded. ‘That’s to be expected.’

  ‘You get your reward at the end.’ Sunny pointed to the card that showed a happy family under a rainbow.

  Kurt stared at the card. ‘What does it mean?’

  ‘Family, success, happiness.’ Sunny tapped the card. ‘Sometimes weddings and babies.’ She glanced at her sister and grinned, then back at him. ‘I think you are making the right choice.’

  Kurt lifted his gaze and looked at Rainy. The corner of his lips curved, and his eyes lit up. Had he really thought about his career change, or had he asked about his future with her?

  Chapter 18

  Going back to work after a week off was no different to lacing up his well-worn boots. If he was staying in he’d get a new pair after this trip—he never sailed in new boots. It was midmorning before the COB came to see him. Smithy asked to see him in the senior sailors mess and Kurt followed.

  Maybe he should’ve been the one to initiate this meeting but he was still not sure what to say. All he could think was that these were his last few weeks, or days on the boat. The excitement and nerves that caused fizzed in his blood. He hadn’t felt that since … probably since his first deployment. He was sure that trip had involved more stress than excitement though.

  They sat on the blue sofa. The Chief took off his glasses and rested them on the table. ‘Was it good to go back home?’

  Kurt took a breath, not sure quite what to say. ‘Just because my relatives live there doesn’t make it home. I like Perth.’

  Smithy smiled. ‘That’s fortunate for a submariner, isn’t it?’

  It was now or never, he had to say it. ‘I’m not re-signing.’

  The weight that had followed him lifted. It was like the sun had broken through the clouds and even though it was still raining and he wasn’t out of it yet, there was an end coming. It felt good. Better than good. He wanted to tell everyone so he could celebrate, but he kept it all on the inside. There’d be time to celebrate later. First he’d have to say his goodbyes and that wasn’t going to be easy. The crew of Ellis had been his family for the last four years. Of course, there were some people he’d miss more than others.

  His words made the COB sit back. His eyebrows shot up and for a moment he didn’t speak. ‘Are you sure?’

  Kurt nodded. ‘Yes. Going home made some things clear. If I hadn’t, I probably would’ve stayed on.’ His father’s death had saved him from making the same mistakes. He was sure that would piss his father off no end.

  ‘We were all hoping you’d stay on. Will you do the trip?’

  He closed his eyes. He didn’t want to, and yet part of him wanted one last trip. He looked at the COB. ‘Only if you really need me. I need the time alongside to start the transition.’

  ‘Collins is in maintenance, we can get their cook. I hear he’s looking for some sea time.’

  Meaning they’d already started looking to see who was available should he choose to get out. A small cog in a big machine, he was replaceable. But the old bitterness wasn’t there like it had been before. That was true for any job, but as long as he enjoyed what he did it didn’t matter. And as long as he could build a life for himself outside of his job he didn’t care.

  ‘I guess I’ll be posting off this week then?’

  ‘I’ll start the paperwork, let the Captain know. We’ll miss you.’

  ‘I’m sure the Collins cook will be just as good.’

  ‘No, we boasted we had the best cook, now we can’t say that.’

  Kurt smiled. ‘Thank you, Chief.’

  ‘You can go, Chef.’ Smithy dismissed him using his proper title. It didn’t happen very often. And he’d never felt like a chef on the boat. He may never be a real chef, but at least he was going to give it a shot, apply to some of the good restaurants around town and failing that, the mines—which would be a lot like being in the navy only with a better rotation.

  Kurt climbed back down the ladder to the junior sailors mess. Blue was waiting, coffee in one hand and biscuit in the other. Something was up. Had Rainy said something?

  ‘A birdy told me you might be getting landed, permanently.’ Blue tapped Kurt’s dolphin patch with one finger. ‘You lucky fuck.’

  ‘It’s true, I’ve got six months to run. Told the COB. I would’ve told you first, but …’ Why had Rainy said anything?

  ‘I get it. Fuck, now what am I supposed to do? Who’s going to pretend not to notice when I steal the last Tim Tam?’

  ‘That was you? I thought it was one of the girls.’ And once they were at sea and they were all gone, that was it. There were no replacements unless someone’s family sent them. Lollies were always appreciated in the mail.

  Blue laughed. ‘Er, no, of course it wasn’t me. Do I look like I live on coffee and Tim Tams?’

  Kurt looked at the half-empty coffee cup and the biscuit … a half-eaten Tim Tam.

  ‘Don’t tell the next cook.’

  ‘I won’t. You want to go out tonight?’

  Blue sipped his coffee, considering. ‘Can’t, got to change out the HP air valve before we sail. Means you got no date tonight either. Guess that fell in to your lap nicely.’

  ‘That’s not why I’m getting out. I’ll tell you over lunch.’ Other people were wandering into the mess, and even though he was getting out that didn’t make his relationship—or lack of relationship—any more right. No, he had to be well off the boat before anyone found out about that.

  ***

  Rainy tossed her bag into her car. By Tuesday morning it was all over the boat that Kurt was leaving. Part of her was glad that he was getting off as it meant she wouldn’t have to watch everything she did in case she revealed there was more going on than first appeared. Tasker had said nothing to her about it, but she wondered what Kurt had said to him.

  Kurt had barely spoken to her, but then that was probably for the best. She was going to miss seeing him every day at work and she honestly had no idea what they were doing. Perhaps nothing. Perhaps she’d pushed back too hard. Or perhaps Sunny had scared him off by predicting marriage and babies. If he couldn’t handle Sunny, there was no way he’d be able to deal with her parents without wondering if she was adopted or if she was hiding her kookiness very, very well.

  She’d spent years hoping she’d been switched at birth and her nice, normal family was going to come and find her. Now she knew how lucky she was to have family who would support her no matter what she did. Even if they thought she was the strange one. She bit back the grin.

  ‘Milly.’ Emily leaned against the car. ‘You look pretty happy.’

  Rainy shook her head. ‘Just thinking.’

  Emily’s eyes narrowed. ‘About Garland?’

  ‘What?’ Immediately the hair on the back of her neck pricked followed by the hair on her forearms. The smile fell off her face.

  ‘I know you two hooked up in Fremantle.’

  Cold hit her gut and spread through her body. She couldn’t speak. Emily, while friends with Kurt, was also one the biggest gossips on the boat. The ground she was standing on began to crumble beneath her feet. While Hessey had being trying to make trouble and people had seen that, coming from Emily it would be an entirely d
ifferent matter.

  ‘And now you’ve somehow convinced him to leave.’ Emily shook her head. ‘You’re destroying his career.’

  That brought Rainy back to reality. Emily didn’t know Kurt very well if she thought the navy was his career. She laughed. ‘Yeah, we hooked up once. But I didn’t know he was navy, and I didn’t tell him either. I don’t usually share personal information with one-nighters.’ She was cheapening what they had, but there was no other way to play it. ‘Since I started on the boat nothing has been going on. He promised to say nothing and I agreed to do the same. It was a mistake. That’s all there is to it.’

  Yet the more she denied it, the more she wanted it to be something more. She wanted to be able to say they were together. With him she wasn’t thinking about what was safe and sensible. He made her take risks she wouldn’t have ever dreamed of doing.

  Emily frowned as if not believing her. ‘Then why is he leaving right before we sail?’

  ‘I heard he had six months to run and he decided he wanted to spend them ashore. He was never going to be a lifer.’ Rainy watched the other woman carefully. ‘Ask Garland yourself. He’ll tell you the same thing.’

  ‘I don’t know what it’s like as a skimmer, but we don’t sleep with the crew. You’ve already been tagged as trouble because of that rumour with Tasker. If people were to find out about Garland and you, there might be more gossip.’

  Rainy crossed her arms and met Emily’s stare. ‘Is that a threat?’

  ‘It’s a warning. We don’t like people coming in and breaking up the crew.’

  ‘I didn’t do anything.’

  Emily shrugged. ‘That’s not what people will think.’

  ‘I’ll know where the story came from if it spreads. I don’t think Tasker would appreciate you making my life hard.’

  ‘Perhaps Hessey wasn’t all bullshit.’ Emily pushed off the car and walked away.