So I Have Thought of You

by Penelope Fitzgerald

  I myself can’t organise the (proverbial) whelk-stall and you know I would never try to give advice, but sympathy I do give. You worked so hard and I don’t think they could have got it all started at all without you. I wonder if they mentioned that at their committee meeting.

  love to you and Penny – Mops

  P.S. Our urban fox has gone lame and lies pathetically on the compost box – I don’t like to disturb it to put any more leaves in – It also seems to have lost part of its brush.

  27a Bishop’s Road, N6

  26 June [late 1990s]

  Dear Penny and Ham,

  Thankyou so very much for inviting me yesterday and the royal treatment you gave me, a lift back across 3 counties. It was such a nice lunch, and although I must restrain myself from talking about the quails, I did want to tell you that they are very special as far as I am concerned because my mother, who’d always been used to plain living and hard thinking and a large vicarage family, and was presented at court, as people used to be then, after she was married, had her one and only chance of trying quail that day at the palace and missed it, because the tray was taken away while her back was turned.

  I do so hope everything goes well on Friday. I was just looking through the old Charleston mags yesterday evening and I still think they were better. There was an enterprising friendly feeling about them, but I suppose that belonged to the earlier stages. And I did like your colour pix, Ham –

  many thanks and love to all of you –

  Mops

  Tina Fitzgerald*

  Flat 5144 Earls Court Rd.

  London, sw5

  Thursday [Easter, 1964]

  Dearest Tina,

  I do hope the crossing was all right, as we had a very stiff breeze in the Earls Court Rd. s.w.5. But Daddy tells me that Mrs Taylor had brought half a bottle of brandy and a tea-spoon to quell any cases of sickness – I don’t know if she had to resort to this.

  Of course you are very much missed especially by Maria who finds me boring in the extreme, but I’m not quite so tired today and will try to amuse her a bit better. We’ve got her a slip with lace, which seems to be a status symbol at the school. Meanwhile she went to confession all by herself which was quite an effort.

  It’s a lovely day here but cold. I see it’s raining in Barcelona but I think this is a good thing as it will surely clear up and be really sunny when you arrive.

  Do remember to wash your stockings or socks every night and please if you can get some Spanish playing cards, the ordinary cheap kind, you will, won’t you? Señor Ramos can easily get a pack from a bar or a fonda, but perhaps he is not very approachable.

  Mrs Morris’s baby does not seem to have arrived yet, and there is a terrible smell of cooking from Mr Morris’s kitchen. Some new people are moving in downstairs. Mrs Ladas says that a large family with fierce Alsatian and 3 ponies have moved into the Wright’s house and she feels that between them and the Pages she would have no peace at all. The Alsatian is always on the lawn.

  I am off now to the Post Office to send the eggs to Wangford – choc. drops for Ralph and I knitted a pair of bootees for Martha.* Ria has gone to play two-balls with Jane.

  Hasta la vista y diviértete bien

  much love mum

  Flat 5144 Earls Court Road

  London, sw5

  Easter Saturday [1964]

  Dearest Tina,

  I do hope you will get this letter in time before you leave on the long trek home. The Express says it is sunny in Barcelona, so I hope you’re in for a good Easter.

  Great distress as Maria has just eaten all the pips of her orange, so none can be planted.

  We went down to see the Boat Race at Hammersmith Bridge but arrived too late – which didn’t matter because Cambridge was winning easily it turned out. We took the opportunity to look at Godolphin school again and it certainly didn’t look too bad. We also visited the Doll Museum – were taken round by the excessively kinky proprietor with a flickering oil lamp. He showed all the dolls sitting round like corpses ‘having a fish tea’ as he said with a queer laugh – Maria misses you very much, and is very obstreperous. Valpy back on Tuesday.

  I have been asked to coach a Buddhist girl, but she wants to come here, so I can’t do it; such a pity as it would have been money for nothing.

  Longing to see you and hear about your trip. Hope you are keeping Miss Taylor in order.

  love from Mum

  X

  Squalid Council Estate

  [7 April 1965]

  Dearest Tina,

  I wasn’t able to say the many things I intended in the Lighthills’ hall – just as well I expect – but I must say now that I miss you very much – as we all do – and what to do without you I cannot think, but I do hope you may get some amusement of it at least. I thought you looked exceedingly nice when you went off in the white stockings. I’m afraid I’m not at all successful, as a mother, in not getting on your nerves: but I do love you very much. It’s so queer with no voice coming from your room.

  Maria was asleep when I got back, worn out with the excitement of your departure. I ought to go to see Mme. Aubrey in hospital tomorrow, but it seems hard on her to drag her all that way. I’m not quite sure what to do. One of my ivy plants looks as though it’s dying: I must sneak out by night and see if I can get some more earth from the Agnes Riley gardens.

  Please don’t be depressed by the thought of our flat &c, I know it isn’t grand, but I am sure we’ll be able to manage so she* doesn’t notice too much. The Lighthills’ carpet doesn’t meet properly in the hall anyway. But I did rather fall for the Professor, he’s just like a professor in a comic. Anyway it was very kind of them and better by far than struggling up from s.w.4.

  I am dying to know what life is like in Avenue du Cèdre (only one cedar presumably) and look forward very much to a letter; I’ve nothing to say in this one as you see, but wanted to tell you how much I was thinking of you. I feel so low, but this won’t do, and is not the right attitude of mind. I really want you to have a rest, and a good time if at all possible, as you’ve been so very tired lately. – We’ll send on the Musical Express as I see it’s all a great crisis as to whether Cliff is top or not. I’m surprised he’s celebrating with champagne – I thought he was a non-drinker and non-smoker?

  Poor Daddy aghast at the budget.

  much love from us all Mum XXX

  185 Poynders Gardens, sw4

  [10 April 1965]

  Dearest Tina,

  So glad to get your letter even though it was rather a sad one and while I think of it the Lighthills were very pleased that you had written to thank them, it was a good idea.

  I think you are facing up very bravely to the horrors of staying in a large French family – so much more efficiently than I did for instance – I was always in tears and then I got hungry in the middle of the night and went and got some cold potatoes out of the kitchen and the Italian cook was accused of stealing them. José sounds nice, though.

  I do hope all will be well at the skiing, perhaps the brother will be nice, though I don’t feel inclined to bet on this. I think it rather odd of Madame to be away when you came – a relief in a way though, I suppose. You seem to be managing well with the French language though.

  You say it’s not like what you thought, but it does sound rather like a French family, all the same. I agree it’s a pity they live in quite such style, but you’ll do quite different things with her – sightseeing and packed lunches – and I’ll try and cook something really nice in the evening and it’ll be something quite different for her – also we’ll give her something to do all the time, even if it’s only getting birdseed from Woolies.

  I do rather envy you going up into the mountains, I always feel so well there, and am longing to hear about the skiing – I’m amazed that Madame is skiing too, no dull domestic duties.

  Maria and Daddy and I miss you very much. Maria recalls with nostalgia the time when I was away (so much preferable) and you
cooked such nice things and had Cornflakes every day. She’s bought a cuckoo clock with her gift voucher, which hiccups at the quarters as poor Daddy dropped it while trying to put it up, and there were many tears, but now all is well and she’s gone to Titia’s party in her new dress. What does Milène wear by the way?

  We went to see Mme. Aubrey in hospital – grim ward with dying patients grasping for fumigation bottles – but Ria rather liked it.

  much love

  Mum

  X

  185 Poynders Gardens, sw4

  15 April [1965]

  Dearest Tina,

  Thankyou so much for your lovely letters and the p.c.* I could hardly believe there’d be another breakdown in your trip, but you’re getting an old hand now, and seem to deal with everything wonderfully well. I can’t make out quite where you were for the skiing though – do they have a chalet of their own or what? Anyway if they’re as rich as all this we couldn’t compete anyway. And I think it would have been worse to stay with people who didn’t do anything at all, perhaps. I’m glad there really is a cèdre in the avenue – can’t say the same for Cedars Road, S.W.4.

  Ria has gone off to spend the afternoon with Sylvia and is going again tomorrow, I’m glad really as it’s less dull for her though I can’t really approve of Sylvia and Mrs Donan, naturally enough, doesn’t approve of me – so Daddy has to fetch her, from the back door of Lord Chelsea’s house. Ria continues to fill notebooks with drawings of ‘ladies’ in topless dresses who, she says, are ‘out to catch the boys’, so I feel I must get her a Nice Book from the library as you advised, but I haven’t the nerve to ask the one-man army at the Clapham Branch Library.

  We went skating again and a kindly stranger (’let me introduce myself: I’m Dr Green’) helped Maria – who of course took an objection to him – asked her to do the preliminary Foxtrot with him, so at last she’s done one properly.

  I’ve ordered some skimpy lino remnants for the loo and kitchen so that will be another small step forwards, and I’m collecting plants for the balcony. I’ve also been working very late each night on this (probably useless) Spanish grammar.

  Tina, if you’re getting me a present I would like one of these bowls and chopper like this [drawings] for chopping parsley and herbs and things – Josie will know what it is – it’s to hâcher things in – but maybe they’re very expensive

  Much love and best Easter wishes Mum

  Poynders Jardin

  [185 Poynders Gardens, sw4]

  Good Friday [9 April 1966]

  Dearest Tina,

  Thankyou so much for your lovely letter, we thought it was marvellous of you to write at once without even having a snooze. Your journey out sounds exhausting in the extreme, and I would never have wanted you to go out if I’d known what it was going to be like, but I can only hope you’re recovered and that the quiet room will drive away the hated miggy. – it sounds lovely. And I think you’d feel it was worth it if you saw Clapham S.W.4 at the moment – grey, rain falling, all of us exhausted in the middle of the spring clean – Maria washing the dolls clothes, to be put away finally, she says, me having everything out and poor Daddy left with taking the gas stove to bits and cleaning it – impossible to put it back – not like romantic processions, jasmine, oranges and paseos. I’m terribly sorry too that the Academia* was shut but I thought that Valpy’s duties would include doing something about meeting the young ladies and they were due on that early train, weren’t they, it was the same one that he came on?

  Very exhausted as received mysterious letter from Randolph Vigne (at Stillic Press) who you may remember (or Not) was a freedom fighter in S. Africa and just escaped being hung and therefore does everything in a queer, urgent manner – saying I must take the famous ms. down to Holborn College, in Red Lion Square, at once. – but when I got there it was all shut and locked, with notes in milk bottle saying ‘college on Easter vacation’ – so I came back tired, wet and dispirited. However Rachel (name of old friend) writes enthusiastically, saying she’s so glad I’m going to drive over to Exeter with her (I’d written to say that I didn’t want to do this) and, strangely, to ask if Maria could bring a good dress, as she may have to go to a wine and cheese party!

  We’re looking forward keenly to hearing about Easter ceremonies &c and what you think of eulogio. Do you think José will turn up again from the Sierra de Córdoba? It was an excellent move to get someone to carry your luggage, even if he occasionally drinks out of a bottle, much love and Happy Easter Mum x

  185 Poynders Gardens, sw4

  9 April [1966]

  Dearest Tina,

  Thankyou so much for gorgeous technicolour p.c.s all of which we’ll keep por supuesto – I also read Daddy’s letter, all keenly interesting – I didn’t know Valpy wore a green hood,* somehow I’d imagined him all in black, with a skull and crossbones. I felt tremendous relief when you told me that Angelines was very sweet and that you feel sure they’ll be happy – because it was clear that when Valpy went back in the spring that the engagement must go on, it couldn’t go back, and (as Miss Gray would say) I trust your judgement absolutely – as there can’t be many people who notice things more acutely – and after all she’ll be your sister-in-law long after I’m dead and buried – so it was worth your going out to Cordoba simply to find out how nice she really was, apart from the holiday (not rest, you never seem to get that) which I hope is doing something for your shattered health.

  Maria says it is high time you came back to keep Daddy in order, as he’s getting too independent, and actually is asking how to turn on the television. Meanwhile, wistfully thinking of the smell of orange-blossom, I’m packing the grip to depart to Cornwall – Ria insists on taking a large assortment of clothes, although I think only trousers are necessary. It was pouring with rain in the market in Balham High Rd. today – the water streaming down through their poor stalls and fit-ups, pools of water among the lettuces and apples and all the cheap dresses sodden and streaky and the stallholders covered with sacks and newspapers shouting out ‘It’s a wash-out, dearie – eat your radishes indoors! &c.’ Needless to say the Battersea Easter Parade is going on whatever the weather – but we shan’t have to go to it this year.

  Very many Easter wishes &c. &c.

  I’m putting the mystic envelope you left with me on Maria’s plate tomorrow. It seems Father Sullivan sat grimly in his confessional but no-one came while there was a long queue right round the church for kindly Father Whatsit, the Dutch one – much love Mum X

  Playa Andalucía

  Puerto de Santa María

  Provincia de Cádiz

  España

  23 August [c.1966]

  Dearest Tina,

  We arrived safely to discover that you didn’t need vaccination certificates at all – they’d just been declared unnecessary! I got very upset before we went away and said I wouldn’t go at all, I felt I was really going to have a nervous breakdown, like other peoples’ friends do, and Daddy and Maria were very fed up naturally, but there had been such a lot to do, then we had a nice flight to Gibraltar and the rock was lit up so we had a good view of it and not too much delay at the customs. The camp (called a Residential Club) is much more comfortable than we expected as we have a dwarf bath, with real hot water, and pine trees which keep the flies away, and green grass and flowers – there was a large bunch of luridly coloured flowers when we arrived with well come written on them. Everything is made of pinewood, with a built-in cupboard, but quite comfortable and the fashion in beachwear seems to be kibbutz hats so Maria’s is just the thing. Daddy is sunburnt already but luckily I’d brought lots of stuff, Maria however seems to favour burying him in sand up to the neck. As usual, he’s regarded as a high-grade executive by the manager who plies us with revolting Spanish champagne and when I admired the water jug he presented it to me (quaint Andalusian hospitality). Puerto de Santa María is rather nice, we walked in yesterday and went to one of those dark places with barrels to have some wine – we go
t a lift back fortunately. En España son muchos burros – Maria approves of these though a bit insular about absence of Golden Shred &c. She is being very patient about fusty old parents but I think it would be worse to try and find nice friends among the very mixed inhabitants and it is a lovely beach – waves, as it’s the Atlantic, but so far the Woolies lilo rides triumphantly over them with its vulgar red stripes. Hope for bullfight (’murder on Sunday p.m.’) in Puerto on Sunday.

  We’re longing for a letter from you although I suppose it’s too early to hope for one yet. Have left some supplies in frig: by the way.

  Much much love from all

  Mum.

  Love to Linda. How is Mrs Dent?

  Playa Andalucia

  Puerto Sta. Maria

  29 August [1966]

  Dearest Tina,

  Thankyou so much for your letter, we did enjoy reading it. I see that Mrs Dent appears to have lost all control but I don’t care at all if it gives you a better holiday, only I hope Mrs Dunant never gets to hear about all the spumante. It sounds lovely and it’s a bit of luck that, after all, they were all nice. We’re longing to see you, postcards, souvenirs, sun-tan &c. I hope you won’t be completely tired of telling about it by Monday night. Amazed to hear about the sword dance.

  We have got very fond of our little house among the pines, I do like the sound of the sea at night as you know and find it very easy to sleep here. Last night the proprietor (who’s from Cordoba and wears a succession of silk suits, it’s impossible to get Daddy sufficiently tidy to live up to him) and his wife, who is very nice but speaks only Spanish; he took her to England however while he was learning the business and she spoke rapturously of the C & A. She still has some things from there. She’s from Seville, and says that all Columbus’ crew were Sevillans, though from the prisons. Maria was threatened with a huge lobster but managed to get her something else. She has been very long-suffering having to be with us and always seems to enjoy everything – the bullfight went very well as everything happened – a bull jumped out of the ring, one was objected to and had to be lured out of the ring by some enormous brown and white oxen with huge bells, and then we had one very good fight where the man knelt down &c. It was a very magnificent occasion and the mayor arrived in a carriage & horses but unfortunately Maria thinks she didn’t ‘wind on’ the film so I don’t know if any record will remain. We are hoping you will show us Holiday Snaps of Tom, Rob, &c. &c. as well as much culture. I wonder if Rosalyn is the one with the large marble-like features?