“You want me to go with you?”
“Yes.” His goofy grin returned. “I’m apparently botching it, but I’m trying to ask you out on a date.”
“Then I’ll go.” The response was automatic. But even as she said the words, worry found a foothold in her mind. What if she had to face those people? What if Toby’s presence didn’t make a difference?
“You will?” He sounded so hopeful.
There was no way she could take it back now. “If you want me to.”
“I really do.” He reached for his pop, and she caught a good look at his hands.
“You have blisters.”
“I’m not used to wielding a hammer for that many days straight. Also, I have to come clean and tell you that I didn’t do this alone. Evan helped a lot.” He looked down at his hands and shrugged. “They’ll heal.”
Emotion balled in her throat. Toby had spent countless hours building her a tree house to remind her of their childhood together, of all they’d shared and been through. He worked tirelessly for Dad at the orchard and still found energy to give Kasey piggyback rides, help her tackle homework or play a board game with her. Jenna would never—could never—love another man besides this one, and right now, under the glow of candlelight, she had to find out what it felt like to kiss him.
Just once.
Hesitation making her movements slow, she brought her fingertips to trace the stubble along his jawline.
Toby drew in a sharp breath. “Jenna.”
“Kiss me.” It was less than a whisper.
“Do you mean it?” He sounded hoarse. His eyes searched hers.
“Kiss me, Toby.”
He held her gaze as he leaned in, his lips brushing hers. His touch was gentle, but it was everything. Toby started to break away, but Jenna didn’t want the moment to end. She looped her arms up around his neck and pulled him toward her again. The feel of sandpaper from stubble lining his jaw lightly scuffed her chin as he tilted his head and kissed her back, stronger and firmer this time. It was warm and sure and right, and everything Jenna had always hoped a kiss with him would be.
When they finally parted, Toby was breathing as hard as Jenna’s heart was racing.
His eyes raked over her face, memorizing her, and the muscle on his jaw ticked.
Not sure what to say, Jenna scooted back on her stool. She would cherish this kiss with Toby as the single best moment of her life. A dream come true, if only for a minute.
However, she wasn’t delusional enough to believe Toby loved her. He’d been overly kind ever since finding out about Ross. He seemed bent on doing penance for his behavior in high school. They were friends again—true and real friends—and he might have asked her to go with him to their homecoming reunion, but again, she knew how Toby worked. He was righting a wrong. He’d keep her at his side all night as he mingled with the people who had made her life miserable, letting them know they were buddies and always had been. That was all.
He’d kissed her because she’d asked. Turning her down in that moment would have fed the awkwardness in their relationship that they’d been working hard to overcome.
Toby was a nice guy who happened to be an excellent kisser. And he was her friend. End of story.
He leaned closer, regaining the space she’d created, and scooped up her hand. “Jenna, I wasn’t planning on saying all this tonight, but I feel like I should now.”
Tears gathered in her eyes. He was about to give her the “I really like you as a friend, and that was a mistake” talk. Wasn’t he? He’d want to discuss how to reestablish the lines in their friendship, and she didn’t want to go through that. Not now, while she was still turning over the memory of their kiss like a precious ruby.
“My time here at the orchard has been the best of my life,” Toby said. “Back when I was a kid and also here, now, with Kasey and you. You need to know. Jenna, I—”
She pressed her free hand over his mouth.
Jenna, I want to be your friend. Nothing more.
Jenna, I care about you, but not like that.
Jenna, I can’t ever do that again. Understood?
“Please. Please don’t say it.” Her voice shook. “Don’t put us through a long-drawn-out talk. Can’t we just leave tonight as a nice little moment without ruining it?”
His brow bunched. “You don’t even know what I’m going to say.”
“I do, and I don’t want to go down that road right now.”
He withdrew his hand from hers. “If that’s how you feel.”
“It is. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked you to kiss me. I wasn’t thinking. I don’t want to hurt our friendship.”
He slid away from her and started repacking the basket. Dishes clanked together, and the glass jars pinged as he dropped them in none too carefully.
She stood there watching him, wanting to say something but knowing it wasn’t possible when she felt like she was being ripped in two. Why, God? Why bring him back if it’s going to be like this?
She would surrender her love for Toby to God. Surrender it every day for the rest of her life, because it wasn’t going away anytime soon.
Once the basket was packed and ready, he turned to her and added softly, “I’ll always be your friend, Jenna. No matter what.” He brushed past her and headed down the stairs.
Jenna followed behind him. “I’ll always be your friend, too.”
And she meant it. No matter how bad it hurt.
Chapter Twelve
The marching band blared the school’s favorite fight song, muffling the sound of the announcer counting down the minutes until the break was over. Stadium lights shone over the cheerleaders dancing on the track in front of the crowd. People milled on the bleachers. Some followed along with the cheer squad, imitating the Gator mascot’s signature chomp, chomp, chomp motion with their arms.
High school smells—roasted hot dogs, popcorn and sweaty football players—should have made Toby feel at home. Still...the adrenaline at a game didn’t even come close to how much he enjoyed ending the evening on the back porch swing at Crest Orchard.
Football was an important thread in the fabric of his life story, and he’d always love it. However, it would never define him again. The realization was overdue—long overdue—yet it managed to take him by surprise.
Who was Toby Holcomb?
For much of his existence, that answer had been a revolving door. Football, the boy who lost his brother, popular-crowd ringleader, guy who could get the girl, scholarship winner, business-degree holder, injured, unwanted, failure, drunk, loser.
With all that stripped away...what defined him now?
Pseudo dad to Kasey. Orchard laborer. Man who loved Jenna Crest.
He tightened his grip on the clipboard in his hands, letting the edges bite into his skin.
Once. Just once, he wished a label would stick. Husband and dad both sounded great these days. Still, those titles depended on other people. His identity needed to be rooted in something that couldn’t fall from his hands like football, or deceive him like his old friends, or torment him like the depression, or choose to not be with him, like Jenna.
Saved by God.
Could it really be that easy?
He’d been muddling through his entire life, pretending to be whoever people wanted him to be, when he could have simply been Toby, child of God. That was enough. That was everything. It was a definition that no one could ever take from him, and one that wasn’t dependent on him succeeding to maintain it. He could fail and mess up and collapse time and again, and God would still claim Toby as His own.
Toby sighed, feeling as if a weight the size of a high school quarterback had been lifted from his shoulders. Then again, being saved by God also meant that Toby wanted to obey God, which would mean continuing d
own a path and making choices that honored Him. God was the one who got to shape Toby now, not the opinions of other people.
Final notes from the marching band signaled that the game was about to resume. The Goose Harbor Gators were down by fifteen and had little chance of coming back for a win this late in the game. Still, part of his job was to inspire them.
Toby squeezed the shoulder of one of his players. “Ease up, all right? Don’t worry about the score. I was always worried about the score, and look where it got me.”
Rob already looked defeated. He pounded back a swig of his electric-blue sports drink and then wiped the dribble off his chin with the back of his hand. “Being like you is hardly a bad thing. It got you almost to the NFL.”
“Almost doesn’t cut it, I’m afraid.” A couple other players leaned closer to get in on the conversation. “Besides, my life is better now than it ever could have been if I had achieved my goal and gone pro. Getting injured? That was probably the biggest blessing in my life. Took me a long time to come to that conclusion, but it’s true.”
“Don’t know, Coach. You should probably go see the team trainer and have him take your temperature. You might be getting sick.”
Toby cradled his clipboard, confused but used to the constant change of subject when he talked with the high school athletes. “I feel fine.”
“But you’re talking all cray-zee.” Rob made the universal crazy symbol, driving home his point. “Picking apples and lecturing our lazy hides is not better than going pro. No way. I don’t believe you for one second.”
Caleb Beck, who’d taken over as head coach for the season, glanced over at them but must have heard their conversation and decided they could continue, because he didn’t call them over to his huddle. The teenagers Toby spoke with were players who made up the last string of the team. Most of them had seen little game time so far. Caleb’s main concern would be those heading onto the field.
“I’m serious.” Toby got into a crouch so some of the other players could gather around him. A twinge of discomfort lanced through his knee—he’d ice it later. “Listen, wanting to play sports is a good thing, but keep the option open for other things, too. Life often doesn’t go according to plan. Be ready for that. A closed door ended up being the best thing that ever happened to me.”
He glanced over the boys’ heads to where Jenna sat in the stands with some of her friends. She was radiant tonight, under the lights, wearing her cowboy boots, a dark top, a dangling pair of earrings and her hair swept up in some clip thing. It was a good thing he had to turn his back on the crowd in order to coach because he’d never have been able to focus with her in view. As it was, Toby wanted to call her over to the fence and steal a kiss in front of everyone—wanted to show that she was with him and he was proud of her.
Not gonna happen.
Jenna said their kiss was a mistake. She wished it never occurred. It would have hurt less for her to kick him in his bum knee.
The only mistake on Toby’s end was when they’d stopped kissing.
Rob jutted his thumb to indicate where Toby was looking. “You’re just saying all this stuff because you’ve got a hot girlfriend.”
Toby let out an exasperated laugh. “I’m saying it because I get to have such enlightening conversations with brutes like you.” He tapped Rob’s knee with his clipboard. “And show a little respect, all right? Don’t talk about women like that.”
“What? Jenna’s hot. We all think so.” He looked around for teammate support and got a bunch of nods and grunts in response. “Why is that wrong to say?”
Toby caught Jenna’s eye and smiled at her, even though doing so felt akin to dropping his heart into a blender. She didn’t want him. Not like he wanted her.
Focus on the players.
“There’s a lot more to her—to all women—than their looks. The sooner you learn that, the happier a man you’re going to be.” Knowing that years ago would have changed his entire course in high school. He would have been with Jenna, and he wouldn’t have been stupid enough to ever let her go. His mistakes in college and after, as well as the terrible nightmare she’d lived through her sophomore year, could have been prevented if he’d been man enough to own up to his feelings about her all those years ago.
Because truth was, he’d always been in love with Jenna Crest. He’d just been too scared to allow himself to acknowledge it.
“So you don’t think she’s hot?” another player chimed in. “You’re blind, man.”
Toby pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. Give me words. Give me patience. “She’s the most attractive woman I’ve ever met, but that has far more to do with who she is and the man she makes me want to be than an image in the mirror.”
“Sure, but it doesn’t hurt that she’s easy on the eyes.” Rob wiggled his eyebrows.
“Fine. I give.” Toby tossed out his hands. “I’m still a man. She’s gorgeous.”
“So you two are dating? Because Caleb says you ain’t.” That tidbit came from Jeffrey, a youth with big dreams, fire-red hair and no body weight.
The buzzer sounded, but Rob and the others still looked at him expectantly. Toby didn’t owe the seventeen-year-olds an answer. And he couldn’t give the answer he wanted to. He’d love to claim Jenna as his girlfriend. Especially after their kiss...
He shook his head, trying to banish the feel of her lips on his, her sweet lavender smell and the pressure of her arms tugging him closer. Impossible. It was all seared into him.
However, she’d shushed him right when he was about to tell her he loved her. She might as well have shoved him off the top of the tree house and then kicked him a couple times once she climbed down. And lit the clubhouse on fire while she was at it.
Jenna didn’t love him. Didn’t even want to hear that he loved her.
Was she still skeptical of all males? It would be understandable after what she’d endured with Ross. Even thinking of the man caused Toby’s fist to bunch. He’d asked Jenna if she’d ever reported Ross’s crimes to the police, and it turned out that she hadn’t. At first, she’d been too scared and more concerned with fleeing the situation. She hadn’t wanted to face him if that meant going to court to testify. A few years into her healing, she’d considered making a delayed report, but discovering he was married with young twin boys made Jenna abort that plan. She hadn’t wanted to destroy his wife’s life or take a father away from his children.
Toby didn’t know how he felt about the fact that she had never sought justice through the law. Then again, he’d been the one to tell her that ultimately, justice came from God. If Jenna’s choice was to never report what happened, Toby would honor that without bugging her. More than anything, Jenna needed that from men—respect. So he’d respect her choice to not file a report, along with respecting her decision to not pursue anything romantic with him. Even though every cell in his body was clamoring for him to fight for her.
Fight and win her.
* * *
Jenna helped gather her friend Paige’s bags as Paige sent a text message to her sister-in-law, Shelby, who was watching Noah.
The Gators had lost, which wasn’t a shocker. The high school team had been nothing to write home about for years.
“I’m sorry.” Paige tucked her phone away. “I’ve morphed into the zany mama people write snarky blog posts about, haven’t I? Poor Shelby is probably busier answering me than taking care of my sweet baby.”
Jenna batted her hand. “Joel’s there, too. He can cover rocking duty while Shelby answers you.”
“That’s hilarious!” She chuckled. “I’m sure it’s exactly what’s happening. He really is great with kids. I sure hope he proposes to Shelby one of these days.” Paige looped a giant canvas bag over her shoulder. “I think I’ll head down and wait outside the locker room. Want to join me?”
“I’m supposed to go to the ten-year reunion shindig with Toby.” Jenna peeked over her shoulder, studying the path that trailed around the building to where the party was being held.
“He’s probably over there already. Caleb planned to keep the postgame talk quick—he promised me he would so we could get back home before all the teens go out onto the road.” Unfortunately, homecoming and other high school celebrations often meant students drinking and making poor choices. The Goose Harbor police officers were already milling the crowd. “I know for a fact that he planned to let his assistant coaches out right away.”
Jenna checked her phone to see if Toby had sent her any texts. Nothing. “I should probably head over there.”
Paige gave her a quick hug. “Have fun!” she called as she headed toward the gym.
Jenna wrapped her arms around her middle and picked her way out of the bleachers. Large arrows pointed the way across the grass to a gigantic event tent on the other side of the school, away from the hubbub of the football game. Inside, a crooning band played, and tables covered with crisp white linens lined a wide dance floor. Candles highlighted the framed signs resting at the center of each table denoting the reunion numbers. Five years. Ten years. Fifteen. Twenty. Twenty-five.
She spotted Toby right away. He had his back to her, but she recognized the firm line of his shoulders and the strong way he held himself despite the fact that she knew his knee still bothered him every day. She would know him anywhere. In any crowd. She had him memorized.
Unfortunately, she also knew the people he was talking to. Chad, Nick, Jeremy, Megan and Ashley—his old crew. The people who had tormented her the most. Chad used to walk behind Jenna in the hallways mooing. She still didn’t know why. Megan was the one who’d purchased white Amish caps in bulk online and handed them out to all the other girls to wear on the same day to make fun of her.
There was no way she could face them.
Strength is a choice.
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