Silk

by Heidi McLaughlin

  I stood up straight and held my breath. I was going to start out easy—no use pushing myself. I bent over and my leg lifted in the air and my arms out. I struggled to hold my balance as the darkness around me threw me off. I wobbled until I was standing on both feet again.

  I decided to try a spin and lifted onto my toes, holding out my arms. I began spinning, but it didn’t last very long before I fought to keep my balance again.

  Ten minutes later, I was about to give up when I finally made a clear spin. I did it again and again until I was feeling exhausted and breathless. Dancing was hard work, but it had always come so easy to me that it never felt like work at all. That was different now.

  I felt light on my feet, ecstatic! It was a simple move, but it was a move I thought impossible after losing my vision. I never would have tried it if it hadn’t been for Ryland pushing me. He was right. I’d given up on the person I was going to be before the accident. Maybe I couldn’t ever be that girl again, but I didn’t have to completely give up dancing.

  I would do it because it’s what I loved to do… even way before I got accepted into Julliard. I would find that passion again. I smiled to myself and thought about my mom.

  “Dance because it makes you happy and when it doesn’t, stop,” she said as we sat there waiting to open my letter from Julliard. “I’m so proud of how far you’ve come, baby girl. No matter what this letter says, you will always be number one in my book.”

  I smiled at her. “That’s because I’m the only one in your book, Mom.”

  “Don’t argue with me, child!” she scolded playfully. “You’re too smart for your own good, my ray of light.”

  She pulled me into her arms then, plopping her chin on my shoulder.

  “You know we don’t have to open it. You don’t have to go to Julliard.”

  “Nobody says no to Julliard, Mom.”

  “You could be the first. You have a choice. Everyone always has a choice.”

  “We don’t even know if I have the option to turn them down.”

  “Let’s open it and find out, then.”

  “Together?”

  “Count us down, babe.”

  I had the option. I didn’t turn them down.

  It had been so long since I thought about her. It hurt too much after the accident; I mentally couldn’t do it. Slowly I started to forget things about her. My memories were starting to fade and that was like losing her all over again. I couldn’t live through that twice, so I locked away everything.

  Although the pain of realizing she was actually gone was like a punch in the stomach every time, thinking of her now was like going home again. It was a reminder that I was still alive and she would be disappointed that I’d been living like I died in that car accident with her.

  My mom was an extraordinary person, in life and now in death.

  I heard Nina’s keys in the door and I dropped to my feet and stood there.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Nothing,” I said quickly and moved around the table. “Are you ready?”

  ***

  I sat under the tree, anxiously waiting for Careless so I could tell her I was going to the dinner party tonight.

  During my stolen time with Ryland, I was excited to show him what I could do.

  “You look like you have a secret,” Ryland said, coming down the path.

  I was surprised to hear his voice and embarrassed that I was happy I didn’t have to wait to see him.

  “You’re here early.”

  He sat down in front of me and his knees touched my legs. He leaned over, bracing his arms on the ground.

  “I convinced Careless to let you spend the day with me. I have to run some errands and I wanted to see if you wanted to come with me.”

  “Yes, I’d love to go,” I said excitedly.

  “Good. I didn’t want to have to kidnap you.”

  He kissed me quickly on the lips. I didn’t even have time to react before he was pulling away. I frowned, feeling sad that it didn’t last longer. He must have sensed it because he lifted my chin.

  “Don’t pout, Hummingbird. If I kissed you the way I want to right now, if I let myself get lost in you, we won’t be going anywhere today.”

  My heart skipped and I felt like there was a hurricane inside my body.

  “So what are we doing today?”

  “My brother’s out of commission and he needs me to get him some food for his new apartment.”

  “He’s hurt?”

  “It’s a long story. I’ll explain on the way.”

  “Are you also going to explain why he has his own apartment now?”

  He laughed. “Yes. It all ties in. You ready?”

  I nodded and held my hands up for him to pull me to my feet. He took my hands and wrapped them around his neck before trailing down my arms and resting his hands on my hips. He pulled me to him and squeezed.

  “Your lips haunted my dreams last night. I had a hell of a time getting to sleep.”

  He brushed his lips across mine but didn’t try to make it more. I needed a distraction and I remembered what I was going to show him.

  “I have something to show you,” I whispered.

  He groaned. “Okay, but if we end up in a compromising position, you have only yourself to blame.”

  “Only myself?” I teased.

  “Okay maybe not only yourself.”

  I smiled. “It’s not anything like that, anyway. Just watch.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  I stepped around him and took two steps back. Taking a deep breath, I started to dance, repeating the moves I’d been able to do yesterday. I was a little clumsier on the rocky ground, but I was still able to perform the moves.

  When I finished, I stood on both feet and took a little bow.

  “Tada!”

  He slapped his hands together and let out a holler of excitement. He lifted me into his arms and spun me around with him.

  “I knew you could do it! I told you! That was amazing.”

  He grabbed my face and finally kissed me, lingering longer this time, but not nearly long enough.

  “It’s just a start. I’m not as good as I once was and it’s a little harder without my ballet shoes, but it’s something.”

  “It’s everything, and you will be. You’ll be better. The point is you’re dancing and you’re not wearing your sunglasses.” He kissed my nose. “You’re full of surprises today.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Don’t thank me. You did this all on your own.”

  “But because of you.”

  Ryland was changing my life and he didn’t even realize it.

  Ryland

  Fifteen

  “My car is just over here,” I told her as she walked next to me.

  If I hadn’t looked over at her when I said that, I would’ve missed the way her color faded and her face became a mask of fear. She stopped, actually more like skidded to a stop, before we could reach my car.

  “What’s wrong?”

  My first instinct was to protect her from whatever caused her to completely shut down. Her breathing became choppy and her eyes were wild.

  “Araya?” I caught her arms and pulled her to face me. Tucking my finger under her chin, I forced her to look at me. “Are you okay?”

  “Maybe I should just stay here… I don’t want to upset Careless.” Her words were choppy as she tried to pull away from me and I frowned because none of the color had returned to her face.

  “I told you Careless is fine with it. Tell me what’s really wrong.”

  She seemed to snap out of whatever it was and she blinked, finally focusing on my voice.

  “I haven’t been in a car since the accident.” She did a sideways glance in the direction of my car like it was death. I guess to her, it sort of was. “I’m not ready to…”

  I pulled her into my arms, holding her tight. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”

  She shook her head against my chest. “Y
ou didn’t know. You go and I’ll stay here. I’m sure Careless won’t mind changing plans.”

  “No, but I would.” I pulled back and cupped her cheeks. “How do you and Nina usually get here?”

  “We… we take the bus, but you can’t—”

  “Who says I can’t? I want you to come with me. Besides, I haven’t been on a bus in forever. It’ll be fun.” She seemed hesitant still, so I kissed her forehead and told her, “If riding the bus is the way I get to spend the afternoon with you, then that’s what I’m going to do. Now let’s go!”

  She smiled and nodded. “Okay.”

  I slipped my hand into hers and we walked toward the stop.

  I hadn’t been lying when I said it had been a long time since I was on a bus, but I knew where the nearest stop was.

  “Are you sure Careless didn’t mind? She’s super protective over you.”

  “It isn’t me she’s being protective over, Hummingbird. She’s trying to protect you from me.”

  “Oh.”

  “Don’t worry. She was fine with it.”

  “What does Careless look like?”

  “She has pale-blond hair, not the fake kind either. She gets that from our mother. Her eyes are a smoky blue. Light skin, short. My friends say she’s a knockout, but she’s my baby sister and it’s hard to see her that way, but she is beautiful. I’d have to beat the guys away with a baseball bat if Careless didn’t already do that on her own.”

  She laughed. “I think it’s sweet how you look out for her too.”

  “I try to.” I looked up, squinting against the glare of the sun.

  “From what?”

  “Our parents.”

  “I’ve heard them fighting before. It doesn’t seem to bother Careless.”

  “We’ve all gotten used to the fighting, the mental abuse, the drinking. Careless was never given a chance to have a normal childhood. I’ve tried to protect her as much as I can, but it still doesn’t feel like enough. I can’t wait until she graduates and I can take her away from this.”

  “Is that why you and Sebastian stay?”

  “Yes. I can’t leave her alone. She could take care of herself, but at what cost is what I’m afraid of.”

  “All you can do is try, Ryland, and you are.”

  I could see her looking over at me from the corner of my eye.

  “Do you know what I feel most guilty about?” She didn’t respond, just listened while I confessed. “I feel guilty because I’m angry with Sebastian for being free of that house and our parents. It kills me because I know why I’m staying and I’m still angry that he doesn’t have to. Some brother I am, huh?”

  “Careless would never be angry with you for feeling like that.”

  “Maybe not, but she would feel guilty.”

  “You choose to stay with her, not because you have to.”

  “Honestly, Araya, I’m not really sure there’s a difference between the two. I love my sister to death. I’d do anything for her.”

  “And you are. That’s all that matters. Everything else is unavoidable.”

  I looked down at her fiery red hair. “Thank you,” I said, squeezing her hand.

  “For what?”

  “Reminding me that I’m not a complete jackass.”

  “You’re welcome. Now tell me what happened with Sebastian.”

  I explained to her everything about the night before.

  “You were arrested?” She gasped, horrified.

  I laughed. “Yep. First time too. Can you believe it?”

  “Yes. You don’t seem like a trouble maker.”

  “I guess it all depends on a person’s definition of trouble maker.”

  We laughed together.

  “So Sebastian is a boxer?”

  “Kind of. None of it is legit. They fight dirty and hard. No rules but one: first to be knocked out loses.”

  “Have you ever fought before?”

  “Once. When I was seventeen. I thought it was the coolest thing in the world, and I looked up to Sebastian. One night, I snuck in after Sebastian’s fight. I lasted fifteen minutes in the cage before I was knocked on my ass.” I chuckled at the memory.

  “Were you badly hurt?” she said with a slight grimace.

  “My face was pretty messed up. That’s where I got this scar.” I went to show her and then it hit me. “Fudge! I’m sorry, Araya.”

  She smiled and turned toward me. “What did you say?”

  “What? Oh…” I said when I realized what had caught her attention.

  “You said fudge.”

  I chuckled. “Yeah, I did.”

  “So what happened?” she said, smiling.

  “Sebastian found out and freaked. The guy who kicked my ass was Craze. He’s not very fond of my brother and he took it out on me. Sebastian wouldn’t let me go back and neither would J.D. He exploded when he found out, and a few days later, Craze was in jail for possession.”

  “Coincidence?” she asked.

  “Maybe if J.D. hadn’t gotten involved, but since he was, no, it wasn’t.”

  “What happened to Craze?”

  “He spent six months in jail for being a repeat offender and while he was in, he got roughed up pretty bad. He was put in the hospital for a week and had to be switched to another jail.”

  “So the other night was like payback?”

  “I wouldn’t doubt it. He swore we set him up, and I kind of think Sebastian felt the same way. He doesn’t like playing dirty like J.D. does and even though he hates Craze, he felt like he had. I think in a way he let Craze beat the crap out of him the other night. Sort of like he was making up for what J.D. did.”

  “Will that be enough for Craze?”

  “Nope. It only fueled his fire thinking he’s better than my brother.”

  “Well, I—”

  Araya’s words were cut off as she tripped, sending her into the guy who’d been walking opposite us.

  “Watch it!”

  He growled into Araya’s face, pushing her away from him. I moved fast to catch her before she fell flat on her butt. She made a small sound of fear and relief when she felt my arms go around her.

  I looked up at the guy, glaring, and I could feel my face filling with rage as he glowered at both of us. He adjusted his shoulders.

  “Keep your girlfriend on a damn leash if she can’t control herself,” he spat.

  I turned Araya toward me, my eyes still on the asshole, and told her to stay there. She grabbed my arm. Panic was etched into the dainty details of her face as she pleaded with me.

  “Ryland, please don’t. Just let it go. Please.”

  “It’ll be okay.” I assured her and then moved her behind me.

  “Do what she says, man. Let it go.”

  “Apologize to her,” I growled.

  His face pinched. “I ain’t apologizing to no one!”

  “And I’m not asking. Apologize to her.”

  “Ryland, just let it go,” Araya said, pulling at my arm.

  “What the hell is wrong with your chick’s eyes?” the guy said in disgust.

  Araya sucked in a sharp breath and turned her face away. I turned toward her, counted to three, and turned around, connecting my fist with his nose. He flew back, landing on his ass and holding his nose, groaning.

  I grabbed Araya’s hand, pulling her with me, and stood over the guy.

  “Should have apologized when I gave you the chance,” I spat.

  We reached the bus stop in silence and Araya sat down, staring toward the sidewalk. I ran my hand through my hair and paced in front of her.

  “I’m sorry, but—”

  “You can’t go around punching people in the face because they spout off, Ryland.”

  “He shouldn’t have said what he said,” I told her defensively.

  “No, but you shouldn’t have hit him either. We should have just walked away.”

  “And let him think he can get away with it? No.”

  “You can’t fight them all.
There’s always going to be people like that guy. Believe me, I’ve met a lot of them. I’m used to people treating me like that. I’ve learned to ignore it.”

  “You shouldn’t have to be used to it, Araya. You shouldn’t be treated like that and it doesn’t make it okay that you are.”

  “I didn’t say it did, but I’m not going to have their blood on my hands because you get angry at some random jerkoff.”

  I knelt down in front of her, pushing her hair behind her ear and following the curve of her cheek with my finger.

  “I couldn’t see straight I was so angry.”

  “Thank you,” she said softly, “but I’m not saying that because I agree with what you did.”

  I smiled. “Too late. You’re an enabler.”

  I wanted to kiss her again. I didn’t want to stop kissing her, but there was this nagging feeling and Careless’s words taunting me and I couldn’t.

  “The bus should be here any minute,” I told her.

  “Lucky us.”

  When we reached Sebastian’s apartment, we seemed to have moved past the incident, or at least we weren’t going to let it ruin the rest of our afternoon.

  I knocked on the door once and then twice when there was still no answer.

  “What the hell?” I growled and pounded on the door harder.

  “Maybe he’s not here.”

  “I’m going to kick his ass if he isn’t.”

  I moved to hit the door again when my phone went off. I read the text that lit my screen.

  “You lazy ASS, Sebastian!” I yelled through the door and bent over to lift the mat under my feet.

  I found the key and unlocked the door, letting in Araya first. She stood just inside the darkened room.

  It smelled like fresh paint and that weird smell that was in every new apartment. For him being here only two days, it had more furniture than I expected. There was a grey couch against one wall, a coffee table, and a chair sitting opposite.

  “There’s a couch to your left. Have a seat and I’ll be right back.”

  She said okay and I disappeared into the hallway in search of his room. I tried the first room on my left and found him lying in a huge king-sized bed, one arm draped over his face. The sheets were twisted around the lower half of his body.

  “You alive?” I asked, looking around the room.

  There were piles of clothes everywhere and the windows were blocked out with dark shades.